be too highly estimated as an assistant in the acquisition of the
attributes of which we propose to speak. A taste for such companionship
may be so strengthened by habit as to form a strong barrier to the
desired indulgence of grosser inclinations. "Show me your friends, and
I'll tell you what you are," is a pithy Spanish proverb. Choose yours, I
earnestly entreat, in early life, with a view to self-improvement and
self-respect. And, while on this point, permit me to warn you against
mistaking pretension, wealth, or position, for intrinsic merit; or the
advantages of equality in elevated social rank, for an equivalent to
mental cultivation, or moral dignity.
One of the collateral benefits resulting from proper social
associations, will be an escape from _eccentricities_ of manner, dress,
language, etc.; erroneous habits in relation to which, when once
established, often cling to a man through all the changes of time and
circumstance.
But, as observation proves that this, though a safeguard, is by no means
always a sufficient defense, it is well to resort to various
precautions, additionally--as a prudent general not only carefully
inspects the ramparts that guard his fortress, but stations sentinels,
who shall be on the look-out for approaching foes.
So then, my dear boys, do not regard me as descending to puerilities
unworthy of myself and you, when I call your attention to such matters
as your attitude in standing and sitting, or any other little
individualizing peculiarities.
Some men fall into a habit of walking and standing with their heads run
out before them, as if doubtful of their right to keep themselves on a
line with their fellow-creatures. Others, again, either elevate the
shoulders unnaturally, or draw them forward so as to impede the full,
healthful play of the lungs. This last is too much the peculiar habit of
_students_, and contracted by stooping over their books, undoubtedly.
Then again, you see persons swinging their arms, and see-sawing their
bodies from side to side, so as to monopolize a good deal more than
their rightful share of a crowded thoroughfare, steamer cabin, or
drawing-room floor. Nothing is more uncomfortable than walking arm in
arm with such a man. He pokes his elbows into your ribs, pushes you
against passers-by, shakes you like a reed in the wind, and, perhaps,
knocks your hat into the gutter with his umbrella--and all with the most
good-humored unconsciousness of his annoying peculiarity. If you are so
unfortunate as to be shut up in a carriage with him, his restless
propensity relieves itself to the great disturbance of the reserved
rights of ladies, and the frequent impalement upon his protruding elbows
of fragments of fringe, lace, and small children! At table, if it be
possible, his neighbors gently and gradually withdraw from his immediate
vicinity, leaving a _clearing_ to his undisputed possession. He usually
may be observed to stoop forward, while eating, with his plate a good
foot from the customary locality of that convenience, pushed before him
towards the middle of the table, and his arms so adjusted that his
elbows play out and in, like the sweep of a pair of oars.
A little seasonable attention to these things will effectually prevent a
man of sense from falling into such peculiarities. Early acquire the
habit of standing and walking with your chest thrown out--your head
erect--your abdomen receding rather than protruding--not leaning back
any more than forward--with your arms _scientifically_ adjusted--your
hat on the _top_ (not on the back, or on one side) of your head--with a
self-poised and firm, but elastic tread; not a tramp, like a war-horse;
not a stride, like a fugitive bandit; not a mincing step, like a
conjurer treading on eggs; but, with a compact, manly, homogeneous sort
of bearing and movement.
Where there has been any discipline at least, if not always, inklings of
character may be drawn from these tokens in the outer man. For
instance--the light, quick, cat-like step of Aaron Burr, was as much a
part of the man as the Pandemonium gleam that lurked in the depths of
his dark, shadowed eyes. I remember the one characteristic as distinctly
as the other, when I recall his small person and peculiar face. So with
the free, firm pace by which the noble port of De Witt Clinton was
accompanied--one recognized, at a glance, the high intellect, the lofty
manhood, embodied there.
Crossing the legs, elevating the feet, lounging on one side, lolling
back, etc., though quite excusable in the _abandon_ of bachelor
seclusion, should never be indulged in where ceremony is properly
required. In the company of ladies, particularly, too much care cannot
be exhibited in one's attitudes. It is then suitable to sit upright,
with the feet on the floor, and the hands quietly adjusted before one,
either holding the hat and stick (as when paying a morning visit), or
the dress-hat carried in the evening, or, to give ease, on occasion, a
book, roll of paper, or the like. Habits of refinement once established,
a man feels at ease--he can trust himself, without watching, to be
_natural_--and nothing conduces more to grace and elegance than this
quiet consciousness. Let me add, that true comfort, real enjoyment are
no better secured under any circumstances, by indulging in anything
that is _intrinsically unrefined_, and that a certain _habitual
self-restraint_ is the best guarantee of ease, propriety and elegance,
when a man would fain do entire justice to himself.
Habits connected with matters of the table, as indeed with all sensuous
enjoyments, should always be such as not to suggest to others ideas of
merely selfish animal gratification. Among minor characteristics, few
are so indicative of genuine good-breeding as a man's mode of _eating_.
Upon Poor Richard's principle, that "nothing is worth doing at all that
is not worth doing well," one may very properly attach some consequence
to the formation of correct habits in relation to occasions of such very
frequent recurrence. It is well, therefore, to learn to sit uprightly at
table, to keep one's individual "aids and appliances" compactly
arranged; to avoid all noise and hurry in the use of these conveniences;
neither to mince, nor fuss with one's food; nor yet to swallow it as a
boa-constrictor does his,--rolled over in the mouth and bolted _whole_;
or worse still, to open the mouth, to such an extent as to remind
observers that alligators are _half mouth_. Eating with a knife, or with
the fingers; soiling the lips; using the fork or the fingers as a
tooth-pick; making _audible_ the process of mastication, or of drinking;
taking soup from the _point_ of a spoon; lolling forward upon the table,
or with the elbows upon the table; soiling the cloth with what should be
kept upon the plate; putting one's private utensils into dishes of
which others partake; in short, everything that is odd, or coarse,
should nowhere be indulged in.
Cut your meat, or whatever requires the use of the knife, and, leaving
that dangerous instrument conveniently on one side of your plate, eat
with your fork, using a bit of bread to aid, when necessary, in taking
up your food neatly.
When partaking of anything too nearly approaching a liquid to be eaten
with a fork, as stewed tomato, or cranberry, _sop_ it with small pieces
of bread;--a _spoon_ is not used while eating meats and their
accompaniments. Never take up large bones in the fingers, nor bite
Indian corn from a mammoth ear. (In the latter case, a long _cob_
running out of a man's mouth on either side, is suggestive of the mode
in which the snouts of dressed swine are adorned for market!) If you
prefer not to cut the grain from the ear, break it into small pieces and
cut the rows lengthwise, before commencing to eat this vegetable.
When you wish to send your plate for anything, retain your knife and
fork, and either keep them together in your hand, or rest them upon your
bread, so as not to soil the cloth.
Should you have occasion for a tooth-pick, hold your napkin, or your
hand, before your mouth while applying it, and on no account resort to
the _perceptible_ assistance of the tongue in freeing the mouth or teeth
from food.
Have sufficient self-control, when so unfortunate as to be disgusted
with anything in your food, to refrain from every outward manifestation
of annoyance, and if possible, to conceal from others all participation
in your discovery.
Accustom yourself to addressing servants while at table, in a low, but
intelligible tone, and to a good-natured endurance of their blunders.
Avoid the appearance of self-engrossment, or of abstraction while
eating, and, for the sake of health of mind and body, acquire the
practice of a cheerful interchange of both civilities and ideas with
those who may be, even temporarily, your associates.
It is now becoming usual among fashionable people in this country to
adopt the French mode of conducting ceremonious dinners, that of placing
such portions of the dessert as will admit of it, upon the table,
together with plateaux of flowers, and other ornaments, and having the
previous courses served and carved upon side-tables, and offered to each
guest by the attendants. But it will be long before this custom obtains
generally, as a daily usage, even among the wealthier classes. It will,
so far continue rather an exception than a rule, that the _art of
carving_ should be regarded as well worth acquiring, both as a matter of
personal convenience, and as affording the means of obliging others.
Like every other habit connected with matters of the table, exquisite
_neatness_ and discrimination should characterize the display of this
gentlemanly accomplishment. Aim at dexterous and rapid manipulation, and
shun the semblance of hurry, labor, or fatigue. Familiarity with the
_anatomy_ of poultry and game, will greatly facilitate ease and grace in
carving.
Always help ladies with a remembrance of the moderation and
fastidiousness of their appetites. If possible, give them the choice of
selection in the cuts of meats, especially of birds and poultry.
Never pour gravy upon a plate, without permission. A little of the
filling of fowls may be put with portions of them, because that is
easily laid aside, without spoiling the meat, as gravy does, for many
persons.
All meats served in mass, should be carved in _thin slices_, and each
laid upon one side of the plate, carefully avoiding soiling the edge, or
offending the delicacy of ladies, in particular, by too-ensanguined
juices.
Different kinds of food should never be mixed on the plate. Keep each
portion of the accompaniments of your meats neatly separated, and, where
you _pay for decency and comfort_, take it as a matter of course that
your plate, knife, and fork are to be changed as often as you partake of
a different dish of meat.
_Fish_ is eaten with bread and condiments only; and the various kinds of
meat with vegetables appropriate to each. _Game_, when properly cooked
and served, requires only a bit of bread with it.
By those who best understand the art of eating, _butter_ is never taken
with meats or vegetables. The latter, in their simple state, as
potatoes, should be eaten with salt; most of them need no condiment, in
addition to those with which they are dressed before coming to table.
Salads, of course, are prepared according to individual taste; but the
well-instructed take butter at dinner only after, or as a substitute
for, the course of pastry, etc. with bread, if at all. The English make
a regular course of bread, cheese, and butter, preceding the dessert
proper--nuts, fruit, etc.; but they never eat both butter and cheese at
the same time.
Skins of baked potatoes, rinds of fruit, etc., etc., should never be put
upon the cloth; but _bread_, both at dinner and breakfast, is placed on
the table, at the left side of the plate, except it be the small bit
used to facilitate the use of the fork.
Never drum upon the table between the courses, fidget in your chair, or
with your dress, or in any manner indicate impatience of due order and
deliberation, or indifference to the conversation of those about you. A
_gentleman_ will take time to dine decorously and comfortably. Those
whose subserviency to _anything, or any one_, prevents this, are not
_freemen_!
Holding, as I do, that
"_To enjoy is to obey,_"
let me call your attention, in this connection, to the truth that the
pleasures of the table consist not so much in the _quantity_ eaten as in
the _mode of eating_. A moderate amount of simple food, thoroughly and
deliberately masticated, and partaken of with the agreeable accessories
of quiet, neatness and social communion, will not only be more
beneficial to the physical man, but afford more positive enjoyment, than
a larger number of dishes, when hurriedly eaten in greater quantities.
I have frequently remarked among our young countrymen a peculiarity
which a moment's reflection will convince you is exceedingly injurious
to health--that of swallowing an enormous amount of fluid at every meal.
Reflect that the human stomach is scarcely so large as one of the
goblets which is repeatedly emptied at dinner, by most men, and that all
liquids taken into that much-abused organ, must be absorbed before the
assimilation of solid food commences, and you will see, at once, what a
violation of the natural laws this practice involves. Here, again, is
one of the evil effects of the fast-eating of fast Americans. Hurrying
almost to feverishness, at table, and only half masticating their food,
the assistance of _ice-water_ is invoked to facilitate the process of
swallowing, and to allay the more distressing symptoms produced by haste
and fatigue!
Before we leave these little matters, let us return for an instant, to
that of the _position_ assumed while _sitting_. The "_Yankee_"
peculiarity, so often ridiculed by foreigners, of tipping the chair back
upon the two hind feet, is not yet obsolete, even in our "best society."
Occasionally some uninstructed rustic finds his way into a fashionable
drawing-room, where "modern antique furniture," as the manufacturers
call it in their advertisements, elicits all the proverbial ingenuity
of his native land, to enable him to indulge in his favorite attitude.
"I thought I saw the ghost of my chair!" said a fair friend to me, as
soon as a visitor had left us together, one morning, not long since. "I
was really distressed by his efforts to tilt it back--these fashionable
chairs are so frail, and he would have been intensely mortified had he
broken it! Have you seen the last 'Harper,' Colonel?"
Do not permit yourself, through an indifference to trifles, to fall into
any unrefined habits in the use of the handkerchief, etc., etc. Boring
the ears with the fingers, chafing the limbs, sneezing with unnecessary
sonorousness, and even a too fond and ceaseless caressing of the
moustache, are in bad taste. Everything connected with _personal_
discomfort, with the mere physique, should be as unobtrusively attended
to as possible.
When associated with women of cultivation and refinement--and you should
addict yourself to no other female society--you cannot attend too
carefully to the niceties of personal habit. Sensitive, fastidious, and
very observant of _minutiae_--indeed often judging of character by
_details_--you will inevitably lose ground with these discriminating
observers, if neglectful of the trifles that go far towards constituting
the _amenities of social life_. An elegant modern writer is authority
for the fact that the Gauls attributed to woman, "an additional
sense--the _divine sense_." Perhaps the Creator may have bestowed this
gift upon the defenseless sex, as a counterpoise to the superior
strength and power of man, even as he has given to the more helpless of
the lower creatures swiftness of motion, instead of capacity for
resistance. But be that as it may, no man should permit himself any
habit that will not bear the scrutiny of this _divine sense_--much less,
one that will outrage all its fine perceptions.
Apropos of _details_--I will take leave to warn you against the
_swaggering manner_ that some young men, whose bearing is otherwise
unexceptionable, fall into among strangers, apparently with the mistaken
idea that they will thus best sustain their claims to an unequivocal
position in society. So in the sitting-rooms at hotels, in the
pump-rooms at watering-places, on the decks of steamers, etc., persons
whose juvenility entitles them to be classed with those who have nursery
authority for being "seen and not heard," are frequently the most
conspicuous and noisy. Shallow, indeed, must be the discernment of
observers who conceive a favorable impression of a young man from such
an exhibition!
In company, do not stand, or walk about while others sit, nor sit while
others stand--especially ladies. Acquire a light step, particularly for
in-door use, and a _quiet_ mode of conducting yourself, generally.
Ladies and invalids will not then dread your presence as dangerous--like
that of a rampant war-horse, ill-taught to
"Caper nimbly in a lady's chamber!"
If you are fond of playing at chess and other games, it will be worth
your while to observe yourself until you have fixed habits of entire
politeness, under such circumstances. All unnecessary movements, every
manifestation of impatience or petulance, and all exultation when
successful, should be repressed. Thus, while seeking amusement, you may
acquire self-control.
Begin early to remember that health and good spirits are easily
impaired, and that _habit_ will materially assist us in the patient
endurance of suffering we should manifest for the sake of those about
us--attendants, friends, "the bosom-friend dearer than all," whom no
philosophy can teach insensibility to the semblance of unkindness from
one enthroned in her affections.
Don't fall into the habit, because you are a branch of the _Lunettes_
family, of using glasses prematurely. _Students_ are much in error here.
Every young divinity-student, especially, seems emulous of this
troublesome appendage. Depend on it, this is all wrong, either absurd
affectation, or ignorance equally unfortunate.
Ladies, it is said, are the _readers_ of America, but who ever sees the
dear creatures donning spectacles in youth? Enter a female college and
look for the glasses that, were the youthful devotees of learning there
assembled of the other sex, would deform half the faces you observe.
Much better were it to inform yourselves of the laws of optics, and use
the organs now so generally abused by the young, judiciously, resting
them, when giving indications of being overtaxed, rather than
endeavoring to supply artificial aid to their natural strength.
Students, especially, should always read and write with the _back to the
light_, so seated that the light falls not upon the eyes, but upon the
book or paper before them. That reminds me, too, how important it is
that one should not _stoop forward_ more constantly than is necessary,
while engaged in sedentary pursuits, but lean back rather than forward,
as much as possible, throwing out the chest at the same time. Many books
admit of being raised in the hand, in aid of this practice, and the
habit of rising occasionally, and expanding the chest, and straightening
the limbs will be found to relieve the weariness of the sedentary.
But nothing so effectually prevents injury to health, from studious
habits, as _early rising_. This gives time for the out-door exercise
that is so requisite as well as for the use of the eyes by _daylight_.
There is a great deal of nonsense mixed up with our literature, which
seizes the fancy of the young, because embodied in poetry, or clothed
with the charm of fiction. Of this nature is what we read about,
"trimming the midnight lamp," to search for the Pierean spring. Obey the
"Breezy call of incense-breathing morn,"
and she will environ you with a joyous band of blooming Hours, and guide
you gaily and lightly towards sparkling waters, whose properties are
Knowledge and Health!
But if you would habitually rise early, you must not permit every
trivial temptation to prevent your also _retiring early_. The laws of
fashionable life are sorely at variance with those of Health, on this
point, as well as upon many others; but, happily, they are not
_absolute_, and those who have useful purposes to accomplish each day,
must withstand the tyranny of this arbitrary despot. Time for the
toilet, for exercise, for intellectual culture and mental relaxation, is
thus best secured. By using the earlier hours of each day for our most
imperative occupations, we are far less at the mercy of contingent
circumstances than we can become by any other system of life.
"Solitude," says Gibbon, "is the school of Genius," and the advantages
of this tuition are most certainly secured before the idlers of
existence are abroad!
Avoid the habit of regarding yourself as an invalid, and of taking
nostrums. A knowledge and observance of the rules of _Dietetics_ are
often better than the concentered wisdom of a Dispensary, abstinence
more effective than medical applications, and the recuperative power of
Nature, when left to work out her own restoration, frequently superior
to the most skillful aid of learned research. But when compelled to
avail yourself of medical assistance, seek that which _science_ and
_integrity_ render safest. No sensible man, one would think, will
intrust the best boon of earth to the merciless experiments of
unprincipled and ignorant charlatans, or credulously swallow quack
medicines recommended by old women: and yet, while people employ the
most accomplished hatter, tailor, and boot-maker, whose services they
can secure, they will give up the _inner_ man to the influence of such
impositions upon the credulity of humanity!
Assuming, as an accepted truth, that it is your purpose, through life,
to admit the rights of our fair tyrants
"In court or cottage, wheresoe'er their home,"
I will commend to you the early acquisition of habits appropriate to our
relations to women as their _protectors_. In dancing, riding, driving,
walking, boating, travelling, etc., etc.,--wherever the sexes are
brought together in this regard (and where are they not, indeed, when
commingled at all?)--observe the gentle courtesies, exhibit the watchful
care, that go far towards constituting the settled charms of such
intercourse. It is not to be forgotten, as I think I have before
remarked, that women judge of character, often, from trifling details;
thus, any well-bred woman will be able to tell you which of her
acquaintances habitually removes his hat, or throws aside his cigar,
when addressing her, and who, of all others, is most watchful for her
comfort, when she is abroad under his escort. Be sure, too, that this
same fair one could confess, if she would make a revelation on the
subject, exactly what men she shuns because they break her fans,
disarrange her bouquets, tear her flounces, touch her paintings and
prints with moist fingers (instead of merely _pointing_ to some part)
handle delicate _bijouterie_ with dark gloves, dance with uncovered
hands, etc., etc. But even if you are her _confidant_, she will not tell
you how often her quick sensibility is wounded by fancying herself the
subject of the _smirks_, _whispers_, and _knowing glances_ in which some
men indulge when grouped with their kindred bipeds, in society!
At the risk of subjecting myself to the charge of repetition, I will
endeavor, before concluding this letter, to enumerate such Habits as, in
addition to those of which I have already spoken, I deem most entitled
to the attention of those who are establishing a system of life.