gentleman whose polished manners and irreproachable character
embolden me to request for him the honor of an acquaintance with
even so fastidious and accomplished an arbiter of fashion as
yourself.
Mr. Stuart will be able to give you all the information you may
desire respecting our mutual friends and acquaintances in society
here.
Do me the honor to make my very respectful compliments to the
Misses Modish, and to believe me, dear madam,
Most respectfully,
Your friend and servant,
ROBERT B. HAWKS.
MRS. MODISH.
[9] It is etiquette to address communications to a lady according to
the style she adopts for _her card_. Thus, the elder of two married
ladies, bearing the same name and of the same family, may properly
designate herself simply as Mrs. ----, without any Christian name
(her position in society and the addition upon her card, of her
_locale_ being supposed sufficient to identify her). The wives of her
youngest brother, or those of her sons, are then "Mrs. N. C. ----,"
"Mrs. Charles ----," and so on. The eldest of a family of sisters is,
"Miss ----," the younger are "Miss Nellie ----," "Miss Julia ----,"
etc. In writing to, or conversing with them, you thus individualize
them. But when you are upon ceremonious terms with them, _in the
absence of the elder,_ you address one of the younger sisters, with
whom you are conversing, as "Miss ----," only, omitting the
individualizing Christian name. Of course, when writing under such
circumstances, a note of ceremony designed for the young ladies of a
family, collectively, should be addressed to "_The Misses_ ----;" and
if for one of them, alone, to "Miss ----," or, "Miss Mary G. ----,"
as the case may be.
Letters presenting _foreigners_, should designate the country and
particular locality to which they belong, as well as the purpose of
their tour, as--"The Chevalier Bonne, of Berne, Switzerland whose object
in visiting our young Republic is not only the wish to compare our
social and political institutions with those of his own country, but the
collection of _specimens_ and _information_ respecting the _Natural
History_ of the United States. Such assistance as you may be able to
render my learned friend, in facilitating his particular researches,
will confer a favor upon me, my dear sir, which I shall ever gratefully
remember," etc., etc.
The subject of letters of introduction naturally suggests that of
_personal introductions_, in relation to which the grossest mistakes and
the greatest carelessness are prevalent, even among well-bred people.
In making persons acquainted with each other, the form of words may vary
almost with every different occasion, but there are certain rules that
should never be overlooked, since they refer to considerations of
abstract propriety.
Younger persons and inferiors in social rank, should, almost invariably,
be _presented to_ their seniors and superiors. Thus, one should not
say--"Mr. Smith, let me introduce Mr. Washington Irving to you," but
"Mr. Irving, will you allow me to introduce Mr. John Smith to you?" Or,
"Permit me to present Mr. Smith to you, sir," presupposing that Mr.
Smith does not need to be informed to whom he is about to be introduced.
It is difficult to express upon paper the difference of signification
conveyed by the mode of _intonating_ a sentence. "General Scott, Mr.
Jones," may be so pronounced as to present the latter gentlemen to our
distinguished countryman, in a simple, but admissible manner, or it may
illustrate the impropriety of naming a man of mark to a person who makes
no pretensions to social equality with him.
Usually, men should be introduced to women, upon the principle that
precedence is always yielded to the latter; but, even in this case, an
exception may properly be made in the instance of an introduction
between a _very young_, or, otherwise, wholly unindividualized woman,
and a man of high position, or of venerable age. A half-playful
variation from the ordinary phraseology of this ceremony, may sometimes
be adopted, under such circumstances, with good taste, as--"This young
lady desires the pleasure of knowing you, sir--Miss Williams," or, "Mr.
Prescott, this is my niece, Miss Ada Byron Robinson."
When there is a "distinction without a difference" between two persons,
or when hospitality interdicts your assuming to decide a nice point in
this regard, it may be waived by merely _naming_ the parties in such a
way as to give precedence to neither--thus: "Gentlemen, allow me--Mr.
W----, Mr. V----," or, "Gentlemen, allow me the pleasure of making you
known to each other," and then simply pronounce the names of the two
persons.
By the way, let me call your attention to the importance of an _audible_
and _distinct_ enunciation of _names_, when assuming to make an
introduction. A _quiet, self-possessed manner_, and _intelligibility_
should be regarded as essential at such times.
When introducing persons who are necessarily wholly unacquainted with
each other's antecedents of station or circumstance, it is eminently
proper to add a brief explanation, as--"Mr. Preudhomne, let me introduce
my brother-in-law, General Peters,--Mr. Preudhomne, of Paris," or; "Mrs.
Blandon, with your permission, I will present to you Senor Abenno, a
Spanish gentleman. Senor A. speaks French perfectly, but is unacquainted
with our language;" or, "Mr. Smithson, this is my friend Mr. Brown, of
Philadelphia--like ourselves, _a merchant_;" or, "My dear, this is
Captain Blevin, of the good ship Neversink,--Mrs. Nephews, sir."
Never say "My wife," or "My daughter," or "My sister," "My
father-in-law," or the like, without giving each their proper
ceremonious title. How should a stranger know whether your "daughter"
is--
"Sole daughter of your house and heart,"
or Miss "Lucy," or "Belinda," the third or fourth in the order of time,
and, consequently, of precedence, or what may chance to be the name of
your father-in-law, or half-sister, etc., etc.
Well-bred people address each other by name, when conversing, and hence
the awkwardness occasioned by this vulgar habit, which is only equalled
by that of speaking of your wife as "My wife,"[10] or worse still, "_my
lady!_" Is it not enough, when your friends know that you are married,
and are perfectly familiar with your own name, to speak of "Mrs. ----,"
and to introduce them to the mistress of your house by that designation?
It is a solecism in good manners to suppose it unsuitable to designate
the members of your own family by their proper titles under all
circumstances that would render it suitable and convenient to do so in
the instance of other persons. Never fall into the _American_
peculiarity on this point, I entreat you. Say--"My father, Dr. V----,"
or "My sister, Miss V----," "Mrs. Col. V----, my sister-in-law," or, "My
sister, Mrs. John Jenkins," with as scrupulous a regard for rank and
precedence, as though dealing with strangers. Indeed, you virtually
_ignore all personal considerations_, while acting in a social relation
merely.
[10] This reminds me of another habit that is becoming prevalent in
this _new_ land of ours--that of men's entering themselves upon the
Registers of Hotels, Ocean Steamers, etc., as "M. A. Timeson and
_lady_!" or, "Mr. G. Simpson and _wife_." What can possibly be the
objection to the good old established form of "Mr. and Mrs. M. A.
Timeson," or "George and Mrs. Simpson," or "Mr. G. Simpson. Mrs. and
the Misses Simpson?"
The rules of etiquette very properly interdict _indiscriminate
introductions_ in general society. No one has a right to thrust the
acquaintance of persons upon each other without their permission, or, at
least, without some assurance that it will be agreeable to them to know
each other. Strangers meeting at the house of a mutual friend, in a
morning visit, or the like, converse with each other, or join in the
general conversation without an introduction, which it is not usual
among fashionable people to give under such circumstances. If you wish
to present a gentleman of your acquaintance to a lady, you first ask her
permission, either in person or by note, to take him to her house, if
she be married, or to do so at a party, etc., where you may chance to
meet her. In the instance of a very young lady, propriety demands your
obtaining the consent of one of her parents before adding to her list of
male acquaintances, unless you are upon such terms of intimacy with her
family and herself, as to render this superfluous; and so with all your
friends. It is better, however, even where unceremoniousness is
admissible, to err upon the safer side.
Among men, greater license may be taken; but, _as a rule_, I repeat,
persons are _not_ introduced in the street, in pump-rooms, in the public
parlors of hotels, or watering-places, meeting incidentally at
receptions or at morning visits, etc.; and not even when they are your
guests at large dinners, or soirees, without their previous assent or
request.
Of course, such rules, like all the laws of convention, are established
and followed for convenience, and should not be regarded, like those of
the Medes and Persians, as unchangeable. Good sense and good feeling
will vary them with the changes of circumstance. No amiable person, for
instance, will hesitate to set them aside for the observance of the more
imperative law of kindness, when associated with those who are ignorant
of their existence (as many really excellent persons are), and would be
pained by their strict observance. Neither should the most punctilious
sticklers for form think it necessary to make a parade of the mere
letter of such rules, at any time. It is the spirit we want, for the
promotion of social convenience and propriety.
Perhaps it may be as well in this connection as in any other, to say a
word about the matter of _visiting cards_.
Fashion sanctions a variety of forms for this necessary appendage. In
Europe, it is very common to affix the professional or political title
to the name, as "---- ----, Professor in the University of Heidelburg,"
or, "---- ----, Conseiller d'Etat,"; and an Englishman in public life
often has on his card the cabalistic characters--"In H.M.S."--(in Her
Majesty's Service). Among the best-bred Americans, I think the prevalent
usage is to adopt the _simple signature_, as "Henry Wise," or to prefix
the title of Mr., as "Mr. Seward." Sometimes,--particularly for cards to
be used away from home--the place of residence is also engraved in one
corner below the name.[11]
[11] Persons belonging to the Army and Navy use their full titles, with
the addition of "U.S.A.," or "U.S.N."
Europeans occasionally adopt the practice of having the corners of the
reverse side of their cards engraven across with such convenient words
as "_Pour dire Adieu_" (to say good bye). "_Congratulation_" (to offer
congratulations). "_Pour affaire_" (on an errand, or on business).
"_Arrive_" (tantamount to "_in town_"). The appropriate corner is turned
over, as occasion requires, and the sentence is thus brought into notice
on the _same side with the name_.
_Business cards_ should never be used in social life, nor should
flourishes, ornamental devices, or generally unintelligible characters
be employed. A smooth, _white_ card, of moderate size, with a plain,
legible inscription of the name, is in unexceptionable taste and _ton_,
suitable for all occasions, and sufficient for all purposes, with the
addition, when circumstances require it, of a pencilled word or
sentence. But to return to our main subject.
_Letters of Recommendation_ partake of the general character of those of
introduction. It is sufficient to add, in regard to them, that they
should be _conscientiously_ expressed. All that can be truthfully said
for the advantage of the bearer, should be included; but, as I have
before remarked, no one is obliged to compromise his own integrity to
advance the interests of others in this manner, more than in any other.
_Letters of Condolence_ require great care and delicacy of composition.
They should relate chiefly, as a rule, to the subject by which they are
elicited, and express _sympathy_ rather than aim at _administering
consolation_. No general directions can be made to embrace the
peculiarities of circumstance in this regard. Suffice it to say that the
inspiration of genuine feeling will dictate rather expressions of kindly
interest for the sufferer you address, of respect and regard for a
departed friend, or an appreciation of the magnitude of the misfortune
you deplore, rather than coldly polished sentences and prolonged
reference to one's self.
_Letters of Congratulation_ should embody cheerfulness and cordiality of
sentiment, and be at an equal remove from an exaggeration of style,
suggesting the idea of insincerity or of covert ridicule, and from
chilling politeness, or indications of indifference. To "rejoice with
those who rejoice" is indeed a pleasing and easy task for those who are
blessed with a genial nature, and enrich themselves by partaking in the
good fortune of others. Letters expressing this pleasure admit of a
little more egotism than is sanctioned by decorum in some other cases.
One may be allowed to allude to one's own feelings when so pleasurably
associated with those of one's correspondent.
_Brevity_ is quite admissible in letters both of condolence and
felicitation--referring, as they properly do, chiefly to _one topic_; it
is in better taste not to introduce extraneous matter into them,
especially when they are of a merely ceremonious nature.
_Letters to Superiors in Station or Age_ demand a respectful and laconic
style. No familiarity of address, no colloquialisms, pleasantries, or
digressions, are admissible in them. They should be commenced with a
ceremoniously-respectful address carefully and concisely expressed, and
concluded with an elaborate formula, of established phraseology. The
name of the person to whom they are written should be placed near the
lower, left hand edge of the sheet, together with his ceremonious title,
etc. No abbreviations of words--and none of titles, unsanctioned by
established usage, should be introduced into such letters, and they
should bear at the commencement, below the date, and on the left hand
side of the paper, the name of the person addressed, thus:
WASHINGTON CITY, _Feb. 2d, 1863_.
HONORABLE EDWARD EVERETT:--
SIR,
* * * * *
* * * * *
I am, sir,
Very respectfully,
Your humble servant,
J. F. CARPENTER.
HON. EDWARD EVERETT,
Secretary of State, for the U. S.
Be careful to remember that it is unsuitable to commence a communication
to an _entire stranger_ an official letter, or one of ceremony, in reply
to a gentleman acting in the name of a committee, etc., etc., with "Dear
Sir." This familiarity is wholly out of place under such circumstances,
and it is matter of surprise that our public men so frequently fall into
it, even in addressing public functionaries representing foreign
countries here, etc. In this respect, as in many others, their
"quality," as that most discerning satirist, _Punch_, has recently said
of the style of one of our men in high office--is not "_strained_!" The
veterans of Diplomatic or of Congressional life should let us see that
practice has refined their style of speaking and writing, rather than
remind us that they have come to the _lees_ of intellect!
I have, for several years past, remarked the published letters of one of
the distinguished men of the Empire State, as models of graceful
rhetoric and good taste. I refer now, not to the political opinions they
may have expressed, but to their _literary execution_. They indicate the
pen of genius--no matter what the occasion--whether declining to break
ground for a canal, to lay the corner-stone of a university,
acknowledging a public serenade, or expounding a political dogma, a
certain indescribable something always redeems them alike from
common-place ideas, and from inelegance of language. See if your
newspaper profundity will enable you to "guess" the name of the
individual to whom I refer.
_Diplomatic Letters_ require a style peculiar to themselves, in relation
to which it would be the height of temerity in me to adventure even a
hint. The Public Documents of our own country and of England, afford
models for those of you who shall have occasion for them, as members of
the "Corps Diplomatique."
_Letters of Friendship and Affection_ must, of course, vary in style
with the occasions and the correspondents that elicit them. A light,
easy, playful style is most appropriate. And one should aim rather at
correctness of diction than at anything like an elaborate parade of
language.
_Grammatical inaccuracies_ and _vulgarisms_ are _never_ allowable among
educated people, whether in speaking or writing; nor is _defective
spelling_ excusable.
_Punctuation_ and attention to the general rules of composition should
not be overlooked, as thus only can unmistakable intelligibleness be
secured.
Avoid all ambitious pen-flourishes, and attempts at ornamental
caligraphy, and aim at the acquisition of a legible, neat,
gentleman-like hand, and a pure, manly, expressive style, in this most
essential of all forms of composition.
The possession of excellence in this accomplishment will enable you to
disseminate high social and domestic pleasure. Nothing affords so
gratifying a solace to friends, when separated, as the reception of
those tokens of remembrance and regard. They only who have wandered far,
far away from the ties of country, friends, and home, can fully
appreciate the delight afforded by the reception of letters of a
satisfactory character. And the welcome assurances of the safety,
health, and happiness of the absent and loved, is the best consolation
of home-friends.
_Practice_, _patience_, and _tact_, are equally essential to the
acquisition of ease and grace in this desirable art. _Wit_, _humor_, and
_playfulness_ are its proper embellishments, and _variety_ should
characterize its themes. A certain _egotism_, too, is not only
pardonable, but absolutely requisite, and may even become delicately
complimentary to the recipient of one's confidence.
Let me remind you, too, that--though "offence of _spoken_ words" may be
excused by the excitement of passing feeling--the deliberate commission
of unkind, or, worse still, of unjust, untruthful, injurious language,
to paper, argues an obliquity of moral vision little likely to secure
the writer either
"What nothing earthly gives, or can destroy,
The _soul's calm sunshine_,"
or the respect and regard of others.
Facility in writing familiar letters may be increased by the habit of
_mentally_ recording, before inditing them, as opportunity affords
material, such incidents of travel, items of personal interest, or
gossiping intelligence, etc., as may be thought best suited to the
tastes of your correspondents. And it is well, before closing such
communications, not only to glance over them to satisfy yourself of
their freedom from mistakes, but by that means to recall any omission
occasioned by forgetfulness.
Notes of _Invitation_, of _Acceptance_, and _Regret_, require, of
course, brevity and simplicity of expression. The _prevailing mode_ of
the society you are connected with, is usually the proper guide in
relation to these matters of form, for the time being. Thus the mere
formula of social life at Washington, Boston, Charleston, Paris, or St.
Petersburg, may be somewhat varied, as _usage_ alone frequently
determines these niceties, and all eccentricities and peculiarities in
this respect, as in most others, are in bad taste. Cards, or Notes, of
Invitation to Dinners and Soirees, are frequently printed, and merely
names and dates supplied in writing. The example of the _best society_
(in the most elevated sense of that much-abused phrase) everywhere,
sanctions only the most unpretending mode of expression and general
style, for such occasions. The utmost beauty and exquisiteness of finish
in the mere _material_, but the absence of all pretentious ornament, is
thought most unexceptionable.
_Invitations to Dinner_ should be acknowledged at your earliest
convenience, and--whether accepted or declined--in courteously
ceremonious phraseology. In the instance of invitations[12] to Balls and
Evening-Parties, Weddings, etc., haste is not so essential; but a
seasonable reply to such civilities should by no means be neglected.
[12] I was somewhat surprised lately, in perusing an agreeable novel,
written by one of our countrywomen, to observe her use of the word
"_ticket_" as synonymous with _invitation_, or _card of invitation_. A
"_ticket_" admits one to a concert, the opera, or theatre but one
receives an "_invitation_," or "_card of invitation_" to a dinner,
ball, or evening-party, at a friend's house. All misnomers of this kind
savor of under-breeding--they are _vulgarisms_, in short, unsanctioned
either by taste or fashion.
When you wish to take a friend--who is a stranger to the hostess--with
you to an evening entertainment, and are upon sufficiently established
terms with her to make it quite proper to do so, acknowledge your
invitation at once, and request permission to take your friend--thus
affording an opportunity, if it is requisite, for the return of an
invitation enclosed to you for your proposed companion. Some form like
the following will answer the purpose:
Mr. Thomas Brown has the honor to accept Mrs. Mason's very polite
invitation for next Thursday evening.
With Mrs. Mason's permission, Mr. Brown will be accompanied by his
friend, Mr. Crawford, of Cincinnati, who is at present temporarily
in New York.
CARLTON HOUSE,
_Monday morning, December 28th_.
Among intimate friends, it is sometimes most courteous, when _declining
an invitation_, in place of a mere formal "regret" to indite a less
ceremonious note, briefly explanatory, or apologetic. _Essential
good-breeding_ is the best guide in these occasional deviations from
ceremonious rules.
Formal notes of invitation, and the like, should not be addressed to
several persons inclusively. Of course, a gentleman and his wife are
invited in this inclusive way, as are the unmarried sisters of a family,
when residing in the same house; but visitors to one's friends, a
married lady and her daughters, as well as the younger gentlemen of a
family, should, severally, have separate notes, directed to them
individually, where ceremony is requisite, though all may, for
convenience, be enclosed in the same envelope, with a general direction
to the elder lady of the house.
Letters, or notes, commenced in the _third person_, should be continued
throughout in the same form. It is obviously incorrect (though of
frequent occurrence), to adopt such phraseology as--"Mr. Small presents
his compliments to Miss Jones," etc., and to conclude with "Yours
respectfully, G. Small." This mode of expression (the third person), is
only adapted to brief communications of a formal nature. No _address and
signature_ are required when the names of the recipient and of the
writer are introduced into the body of the note, as they necessarily
are. The place of residence (if written), and the date, are placed at
the left hand side of the paper, _below_ the principal contents.
Letters designed to be mailed--such as are written to persons living at
a distance from your own place of residence--should have your proper
_mail address_ legibly written on the right hand side of your sheet,
_above_ the rest of the communication, together with the date.
Notes addressed to persons residing in the same place with yourself,
require only the name of the street you reside in, and your number, with
the _day of the week_--as "Clinton Place, Thursday P. M.," or, "No. 6
Great Jones St., Monday morning"--which is usually placed below the
other portions of the missive. It is usual to write _short notes of
ceremony_ so as to have the few lines composing them in _the middle_ of
the small sheet used.