groom, and bow to the bride-maids, when you know them. The mother of
the bride should then be sought. Here, again refinement dictates the
avoidance of too eager congratulations. While expressing a cordial hope
that the parents have added to their prospects of future pleasure in
receiving a new member into their family, do not insinuate, by your
manner, the conviction that they have no natural regret at resigning
their daughter
"To another path and guide,
To a bosom yet untried."
It is not usual to sit down on such occasions; and it is as obviously
unsuitable to remain long, as it is to engage the attention of those
whom others may be waiting to approach, beyond the utterance of a few
brief, well-chosen sentences.
When you require an introduction to the bride, but are acquainted with
her husband, you may speak first to him, and so secure a presentation.
Usually a groomsman, or some other gentleman, is in readiness to present
unknown visitors. In that case, should he, too, be a stranger to you,
mention your name to him, and any little circumstance by which he may
afford a passing theme or explanation, when he introduces you--as, that
you are a friend of her father--promised your particular friend, her
sister, to pay your respects, etc.
On this, as in the instance of all similar occasions, tact and
good-taste must suggest the variations of manner required by the greater
or less degree of ceremony prevailing, and your individual relations to
those you visit.
In this connection I will add that a card may sometimes be properly made
a substitute for paying one's respects in person--with a pencilled
phrase of politeness, or accompanied by a note. In either case, an
envelope of the most unexceptionable kind should be used, and a note
written with equal attention to ceremony.
A _Visit of Condolence_ is often most tastefully made by going in person
to the residence of your friend, and leaving a courteous message, and
your card, with a servant. Much politeness is sometimes expressed by the
earliest possible call upon friends just arrived from a journey, etc.,
or by leaving or sending a card, with a pencilled expression of
pleasure, and of the intention of availing yourself of the first
suitable moment for paying your compliments in person.
Visits upon New-Year's Day should be short, as a rule, for the reasons
before suggested, and it is not usual to sit down, except when old
friends urge it, or when the presence of an elderly person, or an
invalid, demands the appearance of peculiar consideration.
On all occasions of ceremonious intercourse with superiors in age and
station, one or both, manner should be regulated, as respects
familiarity, or even cordiality, _by them_. "He approached me with
_familiarity_, I repulsed him with _ceremony_," said a man of rank,
alluding to an impertinence of this kind. Never be the first, under such
circumstances, to violate the strict rules of convention. Their
observance is often the safeguard of sensibility, as well as of
self-respect.
Simple good-taste will dictate the most quiet, unnoticeable bearing at
_Church_. The saying of the celebrated Mrs. Chapone, that "it was part
of her religion not to disturb the religion of others," is all
inclusive. To enter early enough to be fully established in one's seat
before the service commences, to attend politely, but very
unostentatiously, to the little courtesies that may render others
comfortable, to avoid all rude staring, and all appearance of
inattention to the proper occupations of the occasion, as well as every
semblance of irreverence, will occur to all well-bred persons as
obviously required by decorum. When necessitated to go late to church,
one should, as on all similar occasions, endeavor to disturb others as
little as possible; but with equal studiousness avoid the vulgar
exhibition of discomposure, of over-diffidence, or of any consciousness,
indeed, of being observed, which so unmistakably savors of low-breeding.
I cannot too frequently remind you that _self-possession_ is one of the
grand distinctive attributes of a gentleman, and that it is often best
illustrated by a simple, quiet, successful manner of meeting the
exigencies and peculiarities of circumstances.
Never wear your hat into church. Remove it in the vestibule, and on no
account resume it until you return thither, unless health imperatively
demands your doing so just before reaching the door opening into it.
All nodding, whispering, and exchanging of glances in church, is in bad
taste. Even the latter should not be indulged in, unless a very charming
woman is the provoking cause of the peccadillo, and then very stealthily
and circumspectly!
Salutations, even with intimate friends, should always be very quietly
exchanged, while one is still within the body of the sacred edifice, and
the "outer court" of the house of God were better not the scene of
boisterous mirth, or rude jostling. Let me add, here, that it is always
proper, when compelled to hurry past those of right before you, at
church, or elsewhere in a crowd, to apologize, briefly, but politely,
for discommoding any one.
Whenever you are in attendance upon ladies, as at the opera, concerts,
lectures, etc., there is entire propriety in remaining with them in the
seat you have paid for, or secured by early attendance. No gentleman
should be expected to separate himself from a party to give his place to
a lady under such circumstances, and in no country but ours would such a
request or intimation be made. But while it is quite justifiable to
retain the seat taken upon entering such a public place, nothing is more
wholly inadmissible than crowding in and out of your place repeatedly,
talking and laughing aloud, mistimed applauding, and the like. If you
are not present for the simple purpose of witnessing the performance,
whatever it may be, there are, doubtless, those who are; and it is not
only exceedingly vulgar, but _immoral_, to invade their rights in this
regard. Be careful, therefore, to secure your _libretto_, concert-bill,
or programme, as the case may be, before assuming your seat; and when
you have ladies with you, or are one of a party, especially, as then you
cannot so readily accept the penalty of carelessness, by not returning
to your first seat. Should any unforeseen necessity compel you to crowd
past others, and afterwards resume your seat, presume as little as
possible upon their polite forbearance, by great care of dresses, toes,
etc., and each time politely apologize for the inconvenience you
occasion. Let me repeat that no excuse exists for the too-frequent
rudeness of disturbing others by fidgeting, whispering, laughing, or
applauding out of time. And even when standing or moving about between
the exercises, on any public occasion, or the acts at a play-house, or
opera, well-bred people are never disregardful of the rights and comfort
of others.
In a picture-gallery, at an exhibition of marbles, etc., nothing can be
more indicative of a want of refinement sufficient to appreciate true
art, than the impertinence exhibited in audible comments upon the
subjects before you, and in interfering with the enjoyment of others by
passing before them, moving seats noisily, talking and laughing aloud,
etc. With persons of taste and refinement, there is an almost religious
sacredness in the presence of the creations of genius, to desecrate
which, is as vulgar as it is irreverential of the beautiful and the
good. Always then, carry out the most scrupulous regard of the rights
and feelings of others, when yourself a devotee at the shrine of
AEsthetics, by attention to the minutest forms of courtesy. This will
dictate leaving your place the moment you rise, carrying everything with
you belonging to you, and never stopping to shawl ladies, don an
overcoat, or dispose of an opera-glass, until you can do so without
interrupting the comfort of those you leave behind you.
When you wish to take refreshments, or to offer them to ladies, at
public entertainments, it is better to repair to the place where they
are served, as a rule, unless it be in the instance of a single glass of
water, or the like; except when a party occupy an opera-box, etc.,
exclusively.
Be careful never to attach yourself to a party of which you were not
originally one, at any time, or place, unless fully assured of its being
agreeable to the gentlemen previously associated with ladies; or if a
gentleman's party only, attracts you, make yourself quite sure that no
peccadillo be involved in your joining it, and in either case, let your
manner indicate your remembrance of the circumstance of your properly
standing in the relation of a _recipient_ of the civilities due to the
occasion.
Some men practically adopt the opinion that the courteous observances of
social and domestic life are wholly inapplicable to _business
intercourse_. A little consideration will prove this a solecism. Good
breeding is not a thing to be put off and on with varying outward
circumstance. If genuine, inherent, it will always exhibit itself as
certainly as integrity, or any other unalienable quality of an
individual. The manifestations of this characteristic by _manner_, will,
of course, vary with occasion, but it will, nevertheless, be apparent at
all times, and to all observers, when its legitimate influence is
rightly understood and admitted.
Hence, then, though the observance of elaborate ceremony in the more
practical associations of busy outer life would be absurdly
inappropriate, that careful respect for the rights and feelings of
others, which is the basis of all true politeness, should not, under
these circumstances, be disregarded.
The secret of the superior popularity of some business men with their
compeers and _employes_, lies often, rather in _manner_ than in any
other characteristic. You may observe, in one instance, a universal
favorite, to whom all his associates extend a welcoming hand, as though
there were magic in the ready smile and genial manner, and who is served
by his inferiors in station with cheerfulness and alacrity, indicating
that a little more than a mere business bond draws them to him; and
again, an upright, but externally-repulsive man, though always
commanding respect from his compeers, holds them aloof by his frigidity,
and receives the service of fear rather than of love from those to whom
he may be always just, and even humane, if never sympathizing and
unbending.
As I have before remarked, there is no occasion where we are associated
with others, that does not demand the exhibition of a polite manner.
Thus at a _public table_, no man should allow himself to feed like a
mere animal, wholly disregardful of those about him, and, as too
frequently happens, forgetful of the proprieties that are observed when
eating in private. Only at the best conducted hotels are all things so
well and liberally appointed as to render those who meet at public
tables wholly independent of each in little matters of comfort and
convenience, and a well-bred man may be recognized there, as everywhere
else, by his manner to those who may chance to be near him. He will
neither call loudly to a servant, nor monopolize the services that
should be divided with others. His quick eye will discern a lady alone,
or an invalid, and his ready courtesy supply a want, or proffer a
civility, and he will not grudge a little self-denial, or a few minutes'
time, in exchange for the consciousness of being true to himself, even
in trifles. Nor will he _ever_ eat as though running a race of life and
death with Time! Health and decency will alike prompt him to abstain
wholly from attempting to take a meal, rather than assimilate himself to
a ravenous brute, to gratify his appetite. Let no plea of want of time
ever induce you, I entreat, to acquire the American habit of thus eating
in public. Even in the compulsatory haste of travelling, there is no
valid excuse for this unhealthy and disgusting practice. And, with
regard to daily life at one's hotel, or the like, the man who is
habitually regardful of the value and right use of time, may well and
wisely permit himself the simple indulgence and relaxation of _eating
like a gentleman_!
While on this subject, permit me to remind you of the impropriety of
staring at strangers, listening to conversation in which you have no
part, commenting audibly upon others, laughing and talking boisterously,
etc., etc. Let not even admiration tempt you to put a modest woman out
of countenance, by a too fixed regard, nor let her even suspect that a
nod, a shrug, a significant whisper or glance had her for their object.
Good-breeding requires one to hear as little as possible of the
conversation of strangers, near whom he may chance to be seated. We
quietly ignore their presence (as they should ours), unless some
exigency demands a courtesy; but we do not disturb our neighbors by
vociferousness, even in the height of merriment, however harmless in
itself.
Should a lady, even though an entire stranger, be entering an
eating-hall alone, or attended by another gentleman, at the same moment
with yourself, give precedence to her, with a slight bow; and so, when
quitting the room, as well as to your acknowledged superiors in age or
position generally, and carefully avoid such self-engrossment as shall
engender inattention to their observances. So, too, when meeting a lady
on a public stairs, or in a passage-way, give place sufficiently to
allow her to pass readily, touching your hat at the same moment. In the
same manner remove a chair, or other obstacle that obstructs the way of
a lady in a hotel parlor, or on a piazza; avoid placing a seat so as to
crowd a lady, encroach upon a party, or compel you to sit before others.
I admit that these are the _minutiae_ of manners, my dear fellows; but
attention to them will increase your self-respect, and give elevation to
your general character, just in proportion as _self_ is subdued, and the
baser propensities of our nature kept habitually in subserviency to the
nobler qualities illustrated by habitual good-breeding.
But to return. Though the circumstances must be peculiar that sanction
your addressing a lady with whom you are unacquainted, in a public
parlor, or the like, you are not required by convention to appear so
wholly unconscious of her presence as to retain your seat just in front
of the only fire in the room on a cold day, in the only comfortable
chair, or a place so near the only airy window on a hot one, as to
preclude her approach to it. Nor are you bound to sit in one seat and
keep your legs across another, on the deck of a steamer, in a railroad
car, in a tavern, at a public exhibition, while women _stand_ near you,
compelled by your _not knowing_ them! Let me hope, too, that no kinsman
of mine will ever feel an inclination, when appealed to for information
in some practical emergency, by one of the dependent sex, to repulse her
with laconic coldness, though the appeal should chance when he is
hurrying along the public highway of life, or through the most secluded
of its by-paths.
Few young men, I must believe, ever remember when in a large hotel, at
night, with their companions, that--opening into the corridors through
which they tramp like a body of mounted cavalry upon a foray, with
appropriate musical accompaniments--may be the apartments of the weary
and the sick; or, that, separated from the room in which they prolong
their nocturnal revels, by only the thinnest of partitions, lies a timid
and lonely woman, shrinking and trembling more and more nervously at
each successive burst of mirth and song, or worse, that effectually robs
her of repose. Yet Sir Walter Raleigh, or Sir Philip Sidney, might,
perchance, have thought even such a trifling peccadillo not
un-note-worthy.
The same general rules that are applicable to manner in public places,
at hotels, etc., are almost equally so in _travelling_, modified only by
circumstances and good sense.
A due consideration for the rights and feelings of others, will be a
better guide to true politeness than a whole battery of
conventionalisms. Courtesy to ladies, to age, to the suffering, will
here, as ever, mark the true gentleman, as well as that habitual
refinement which interdicts the offensive use of tobacco, where women
sit or stand, or any other slovenliness or indecorum.
Under such circumstances, as many others in real life, never let cold
ceremony deter you from rendering a real service to a fellow-being,
though you readily avail yourself of its barriers to repel impertinence
or vulgarity. It is authentically recorded of one of the loyal subjects
of the little crowned lady over the ocean, that, as soon as he was
restored to the privileges of civilization, after having been cast away
upon a desert island with only one other person, he at once challenged
his companion in misfortune for having spoken to him, during their
mutual exile, without an introduction!
Should you indulge in any skepticism respecting the literal truthfulness
of this historical record, I can personally vouch for the following: Our
eccentric and unhappy countryman, the gifted poet, P----, was once,
while travelling, roused from a moody and absorbing reverie, by the
address of a stranger, who said: "Sir, I am Mr. W----, the author--you
have no doubt heard of me." The dreamy eye of the contemplative
solitaire lighted with a sudden fire, as he deliberately scrutinized the
intruder, then quickly contracting each feature so that his physiognomy
changed at once to a very respectable imitation of a spy-glass, he
coolly inquired: "_Who the devil did you say you are?_"
Practice and tact combined, can alone give a man ease and grace of
manner amid the varying demands of social life, but systematic attention
to details will soon simplify whatever may seem formidable in regard to
it. No one but a fool or a monomaniac goes on stumbling through his
allotted portion of existence, when he may easily learn to go without
stumbling at all, or only occasionally.
Thus, after experiencing the embarrassment of keeping ladies, with whom
you have been driving in a hired carriage, standing in the rain, or sun,
or in a jostling crowd, while you are waiting for change to pay your
coach, or submitting to extortion, or searching for your purse, you
will, perhaps, resolve, when you are next so circumstanced, to ascertain
before-hand, if possible, exactly what you should lawfully pay, to have
your money ready before reaching your final destination, and to leave
the ladies seated in quiet while you alight, pay your fare and then
secure shawls, etc., and make every other arrangement and inquiry that
will facilitate their speedy and comfortable transit from the carriage.
Thus much for _manner in public_.
Now then, a few words relative to the bearing proper in social
intercourse, and I will release you.
In the character of _Host_, much is requisite that would be unsuitable
elsewhere, since the youngest and most modest man must, of necessity,
then take the lead. Thus, when you have guests at dinner, some care and
tact are required in the simple matter, even, of disposing of your
visitors with due regard to proper precedents. Of course, when there are
only men present, you desire him whom you wish to distinguish, to
conduct the mistress of the mansion to the table, and are, yourself, the
last to enter the dining-room. When there are ladies, the place of honor
accorded to age, rank, or by some temporary relative circumstance, is
designated as being at your right hand, and you precede your other
guests, in attendance upon such a lady. A stranger lady, for whom an
entertainment is given, should be met by her host before she enters the
drawing-room, and conducted to the hostess. A gentleman, under similar
circumstances, must be received at the door of the reception-room. In
both instances, introductions should at once be given to those who are
_invited to meet such guests_.
Persons living in large cities may, if they possess requisite pecuniary
means, always procure servants so fully acquainted with the duties
properly belonging to them as to relieve themselves, when they have
visitors, from all attention to the details of the table. But it is only
in the best appointed establishments that hospitality does not enjoin
some regard to these matters. It may be unfashionable to keep an eye to
the comfort of one's friends, when we are favored with their company, to
consult their tastes, to humor their peculiarities, to convince them,
by a thousand nameless acts of consideration and deference, that we have
pleasure in rendering them honor due;--this may not be in strict
accordance with the cold ceremony of modern fashion, but it, nevertheless,
illustrates one of the most beautiful of characteristics--one ranked
by the ancients as a _virtue_--Hospitality!
Permit me, also, to remind you that sometimes the most worthy people are
not high-bred--not familiar with conventional proprieties; that they
even have a dread of them, on account of this ignorance; and that they
are, therefore, not fit subjects towards whom to display strict
ceremony, or from whom to expect it. But always remember, that, though
they may not understand conventionalisms, they will fully appreciate
genuine _kindness_, the talismanic charm that will always place the
humblest and most self distrustful guest at ease. And never let a
vulgar, degrading fear of compromising your claims to gentility, tempt
you to the inhumanity of wounding the feelings of the humblest of your
humble friends!
If you have a large rout at your house, it will, necessarily, be
impossible for you to render special attention to each guest; but you
should, notwithstanding, quietly endeavor to promote the enjoyment of
the company, by bringing such persons together as are best suited to the
appreciation of each other's society, by drawing out the diffident,
tendering some civility to an elderly, or particularly unassuming
visitor, and, in short, by a manner that, without in any degree savoring
of over-solicitude, or bustling self-importance, shall save you from a
fate similar to that of a gentleman of whom I lately read the following
anecdote:
A stranger at a large party, observing a gentleman leaning upon the
corner of a mantel-piece, with a peculiarly melancholy expression of
countenance, accosted him thus:--"Sir, as we both seem to be entire
strangers to all here, suppose we both return home?" He addressed his
_host_!
In general society, do not let your pleasure in the conversation of one
person whom you may chance to meet, or your being attached to a pleasant
party, tempt you to forget the respect due to other friends, who may be
present. Married ladies, whose hospitalities you have shared, strangers
who possess a claim upon you, through your relations with mutual
friends, gentlemen whose politeness has been socially extended to you,
should never be rudely overlooked, or discourteously neglected. Such a
manner would indicate rather a vulgar eagerness for selfish enjoyment
than the collected self-possession, the well-sustained good-breeding, of
a _man of the world_. Do not let a sudden attack of the modesty suitable
to youth and insignificance, induce you to regard those proprieties as
of no importance in your particular case--exclaiming, "What's Hecuba to
me, or I to Hecuba?" Believe me, no one is so unimportant as to be
unable to give pleasure by politeness; and no one having a place in
society, has a right to self-abnegation in this respect.
* * * * *
"Husband, do you know a young Mr. V----, in society here--a lawyer, I
think?" inquired a lady-friend of mine, of a distinguished member of the
Legislature of our State, with whom I was dining, at his hotel.
"V----? That I do! and a right clever fellow he is:--why, my dear?"