It may not be generally known that, on very still nights, in the small
hours, when there are no taxis rushing past and no late revellers
returning home, it is possible, by leaning against a pillar-box and
placing one's ear close to the opening, to hear the letters converse.
Provided, of course, that one has a pure soul, as I have. Otherwise
there is no sound.
Chancing to be out late the other night in a very quiet neighbourhood, I
suddenly noticed a pillar-box and was reminded that I had a letter to
post. I dropped it in and held my breath as I listened.
"Here's another!" said a voice. "Who are you, pray?"
"I'm an acceptance with thanks," said my letter.
"What do you accept?" another voice asked.
"An invitation to dinner," said my letter, with a touch of swank.
"Pooh!" said the other. "Only that."
"It's at a house in Kensington," said my letter rather haughtily.
"Well, _I'm_ an acceptance of an invitation to a dance at a duchess's,"
was the reply, and my poor letter said no more.
Then all the others began to chatter,
"I contain news of a death," said one.
"I bring news of a legacy," said another.
"I demand the payment of a debt," said a sharp metallic voice.
"I decline an offer of marriage," said a fourth, rather wistfully.
"I've got a cheque inside," said a fifth with a swagger.
"I convey the sack," said a sixth in triumph.
"What do you think I am?" another inquired. "You shall have six
guesses."
"Give us a clue," said a voice.
"Very well. I'm a foolscap envelope."
Then the guessing began.
One said a writ.
Another said an income-tax demand.
But no one could guess it.
"I'm a poem for a paper," said the foolscap letter at last.
"Are you good?" asked a voice.
"Not good enough, I'm afraid," said the poem. "In fact I've been out and
back again seven times already."
"Guess what I am," said a sentimental murmur.
"Any one could guess that," was the gruff reply. "You're a love-letter."
"Quite right," said the sentimental murmur. "But how clever of you!"
"Well," said another, "you're not the only love-letter here. I'm a
love-letter too."
"How do you begin?" asked the first.
"I begin, 'My Darling,'" said the second love-letter.
"That's nothing," said the first; "I begin, 'My Ownest Own.'"
"I don't think much of either of those beginnings," said a new voice. "I
begin, 'Most Beautiful.'"
"You're from a man, I suppose?" said the second love-letter.
"Yes, I am," said the new one. "Aren't you?"
"No, I'm from a woman," said the second. "I'll admit your beginning's
rather good. But how do you end?"
"I end with 'A million kisses,'" said the new one.
"Ah, I've got you there!" said the second. "I end with 'For ever and
ever yours.'"
"That's not bad," said the second, "but my ending is pretty good in its
way. I end like this, 'To-morrow will be Heaven once more, for then we
meet again.'"
"Oh, do stop all this love talk!" said the gruff letter, when I was
conscious of a hand on my arm and a lantern in my face.
"Here," said the authoritative tones of the law, "I think you've been
leaning against this pillar-box long enough. If you can't walk I'll help
you home."
Thus does metallic prose invade the delicate realms of supernature.
* * * * *
"Captain Amilcar Magalhaes, chief of the Brazilian Mission,
accompanying Mr. Roosevelt, says the ex-President has discovered
a tribe of savages named Panhates. The total bag collected on
the expedition amounts to about 2,000 specimens.--Reuter."
_Sussex Daily News._
The flower of the tribe, no doubt.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Promising Member of Junior Form (having been given a
lesson on Samson and told to write an account of him)_, "I forgot that
man's name you was telling us about, so I called him 'Archie.'"]
* * * * *