He had just won the game. "Yes," says I.
"All right," says he; "go now, and see about my carriage." He himself
walked up and down the room.
Without thinking any thing, I went down to the door. I didn't see any
carriage at all. I started to go up again.
Just as I am going up, I hear what sounds like the thud of a billiard-cue.
I go into the billiard-room. I notice a peculiar smell.
I look around; and there he is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, with
a pistol beside him. I was so scared that I could not speak a word.
He keeps twitching, twitching his leg; and stretched himself a little. Then
he sort of snored, and stretched out his full length in such a strange way.
And God knows why such a sin came about,--how it was that it occurred to
him to ruin his own soul,--but as to what he left written on this paper, I
don't understand it at all. Truly, you can never account for what is going
on in the world.
* * * * *
"God gave me all that a man can desire,--wealth, name, intellect, noble
aspirations. I wanted to enjoy myself, and I trod in the mire all that was
best in me. I have done nothing dishonorable, I am not unfortunate, I have
not committed any crime; but I have done worse: I have destroyed my
feelings, my intellect, my youth. I became entangled in a filthy net, from
which I could not escape, and to which I could not accustom myself. I feel
that I am falling lower and lower every moment, and I cannot stop my fall.
"And what ruined me? Was there in me some strange passion which I might
plead as an excuse? No!
"My recollections are pleasant. One fearful moment of forgetfulness, which
can never be erased from my mind, led me to come to my senses. I shuddered
when I saw what a measureless abyss separated me from what I desired to be,
and might have been. In my imagination arose the hopes, the dreams, and the
thoughts of my youth.
"Where are those lofty thoughts of life, of eternity, of God, which at
times filled my soul with light and strength? Where that aimless power of
love which kindled my heart with its comforting warmth?...
"But how good and happy I might have been, had I trodden that path which,
at the very entrance of life, was pointed out to me by my fresh mind and
true feelings! More than once did I try to go from the ruts in which my
life ran, into that sacred path.
"I said to myself, Now I will use my whole strength of will; and yet I
could not do it. When I happened to be alone, I felt awkward and timid.
When I was with others, I no longer heard the inward voice; and I fell all
the time lower and lower.
"At last I came to a terrible conviction that it was impossible for me to
lift myself from this low plane. I ceased to think about it, and I wished
to forget all; but hopeless repentance worried me still more and more.
Then, for the first time, the thought of suicide occurred to me....
"I once thought that the nearness of death would rouse my soul. I was
mistaken. In a quarter of an hour I shall be no more, yet my view has not
in the least changed. I see with the same eyes, I hear with the same ears,
I think the same thoughts; there is the same strange incoherence,
unsteadiness, and lightness in my thoughts."....