hours must have long expired, I would yet remind myself that I was in
a condition to exaggerate the lapse of time; and then, to give myself
every assurance of fidelity to my purpose, I would start off on a new
term of endurance. I seemed to myself to have borne the penance for
hours, to have made myself a shining example of what a resolute will
can do under circumstances the most inauspicious. At length, when
certain that the time must have much more than expired, and with no
little elation over the happy result of the experiment, I looked up to
the clock and found it to be just three minutes past one! Little as
the mind had really accomplished, the sense of its activity in these
few minutes had been tremendous. Measuring time by the conscious
succession of ideas may, if I may say it parenthetically, be no more
than the same infirmity of our limited human faculties which just now
is leading so many men of science, consciously or unconsciously, to
recognize in Nature co-ordinate gods, self-subsisting and independent
of the ever-living and all-present God.
During the five days in which I was descending from the use of six
grains of opium to two, the indications of the changes going on in the
system were these: The gnawing sensation in the stomach continued and
increased; the plethoric feeling was unabated, the pulse slow and
heavy, usually beating about forty-seven or forty-eight pulsations to
the minute; the blood of the whole system seemed to be driven to the
extremities of the body; my face had become greatly flushed; the
fingers were grown to the size of thumbs, while they, together with
the palms of the hands and the breast, parted with their cuticle in
long strips. The lower extremities had become hard, as through the
agency of some compressed fluid. A prickling sensation over the body,
as if surcharged with electricity, and accompanied with an apparent
flow of some hot liquid down the muscles of the arms and legs,
exhibited itself at this time. A constant perspiration of icy coldness
along the spine had also become a conspicuous element in this strange
aggregation of suffering. The nails of the fingers were yellow and
dead-looking, like those of a corpse; a kind of glistening leprous
scales formed over the hands; a constant tremulousncss pervaded the
whole system, while separate small vibrations of the fibres on the
back of the hand were plainly visible to the eye. To these symptoms
should be added a dimness of sight often so considerable as to prevent
the recognition of objects even at a short distance.
With an experience of which this is only a brief outline, Christmas
Day found me using but two grains of opium. Seven days still remained
to me before I was to be brought by my pledge to myself to the last
use of the drug. For several days previous to this I had abandoned my
bed, through apprehension of falling whenever partial sleep left the
tumbling and tossing body exempt from the control of the will, and had
betaken myself to a low couch made up before the fire, with a second
bed on the floor by its side. The necessity for such precaution was
repeatedly indicated, but through the kindest care of those whose
solicitude never ceased, and who added inexpressibly to this kindness
by controlling as far as possible every appearance of solicitude, no
injury resulted.
Under the accumulated agony of this part of the trial I began to fear
that my mind might give way. I was conscious of occasional fury of
temper under very slight provocation. An expressman had charged me
what was really an extortionate sum for bringing out a carriage from
the city. I can laugh now over the absurd way in which I attacked
him, not so much I am sure to save the overcharge as to get rid on so
legitimate an object of my accumulated irritability. After nearly an
hour's angry dispute, in which I watched successfully and with a
malicious ingenuity for any opening through which I could enrage him,
and for doing which I am certain he would forgive me if he had known
how much I was suffering, he at last gave up the contest by
exclaiming, "For heaven's sake give me any thing you please--only let
me go!" I had not only saved my money, but felt myself greatly
refreshed at finding there was so much life left in me.
It should have been stated before, that when the daily allowance had
been reduced to six grains that quantity was divided into twelve
pills, and that as this was diminished the size of the pills became
gradually smaller till each of them only represented an eighth of a
grain. As the daily amount of opium became smaller, although its
general effect on the system was necessarily diminished, the conscious
relief obtained from each of its fractional parts was for a few
minutes more apparent than when these sub-divisions were first made.
In this way it was possible so to time the effect as to throw their
brief anodyne relief upon the dinner-hour or any other time when it
might be convenient to have the agony of the struggle a little
alleviated.
While I am not desirous of going into needless detail respecting all
the particular phenomena of the process through which I was now
passing, it may yet give the reader a more definite idea of the
extremely nervous state to which I was reduced, if I mention that so
nearly incapable had my hand become of holding a pen, that whenever it
was absolutely necessary for me to write a few lines I could only
manage it by taking the pen in one quivering hand, then grasp it with
the other to give it a little steadiness, watching for an interval in
the nervous twitching of the arm and hand, and then, making an
uncertain dash at the paper, scrawl a word or two at long
intervals. In this way I continued for several weeks to prepare the
few brief notes I was obliged to write. My signature at this period I
regard with some curiosity and more pride. It is certainly better than
that of Guido Faux, affixed to his examination after torture, though
it is hardly equal to the signature of Stephen Hopkins to the
Declaration of Independence.
Christmas Day found me in a deplorable condition. No symptom of
dissolving nature seemed alleviated; indeed the aggravation of the
previous ones, especially of the already unendurable irritation of the
stomach, was very obvious. In addition to this, the protracted
wakefulness at night began to tell upon the brain, and I resolved to
make my case known to a physician. I should have done this long
before, but I had been deterred by two things--a long-settled
conviction that all recovery from such habits must be essentially the
patient's own resolute act, and my misfortune in never having found
among my medical friends any one who had made the opium disease a
special study, or who knew very much about it. The weather was
excessively disagreeable, the heavens, about forty feet off,
distilling the finest and most penetrating kind of moisture, while the
limestone soil under the influence of the long rain had made walking
almost impossible. With frantic impatience I waited until an omnibus
made its appearance long after it was due, but crowded outside and
in. The only unoccupied spot was the step of the carriage. How in my
enfeebled condition I could hold on to this jolting standing-place for
half an hour was a mystery I could not divine. With many misgivings I
mounted the step, and by rousing all my energies contrived for a few
minutes to retain my foot-hold. My knees seemed repeatedly ready to
give way beneath me, my sight became dim, and my brain was in a whirl;
but I still held on. I would gladly have left the omnibus, but I was
certain that I should fall if I removed my hands from the frame-work
of the door by which I was holding on. At length, a middle-aged Irish
woman who had been observing me said, "You look very pale, Sir; I am
afraid you are sick. You must take my seat." I thanked her, but told
her I feared I had not strength enough to step inside. Two men helped
me in, and a few minutes afterward an humble woman was kneeling in her
wet clothing in the Church of St. ----, not the less penetrated, I
trust, with the divine spirit of that commemorative day by her
self-denying kindness to a stranger in his extremity. When the paved
sidewalk was at last reached I started, after a few minutes' rest, in
search of a physician. Purposely selecting the least-frequented
streets, in dread of falling if obliged to turn from a direct course,
as might be necessary in a crowded thoroughfare, I walked down to the
office of the medical man whom I wished to consult; but when I arrived
it seemed to me that my case was beyond human aid, and I walked on. I
can, perhaps, find no better place than this in which to call the
distinct attention of opium-eaters who may be induced to start out on
their own reformation, to the all-important fact that no part of the
body will be found so little affected by the rapid disuse of opium as
the muscles used in walking. I am no physiologist, and do not pretend
to explain it, but it is a most fortunate circumstance that in the
general chaos and disorder of the rest of the system, the ability to
walk, on which so much of the possibility of recovery rests, is by far
the least affected of all the physical powers.
During the morning, however, my wretchedness drove me again to the
office of the same physician. He listened courteously to my statement;
said it was a very serious case, but outside of any reliable
observation of his own, and recommended me to consult a physician of
eminence residing in quite a different part of the city. He also
expressed the hope, though I thought in no very confident tone, that I
might be successful, and pretending to shut the door, watched my
receding footsteps till I turned a distant corner. I now pass the
house of the other physician to whom I was recommended to apply,
several times every week, and I often moralize over the apprehension
and anxieties with which I then viewed the two or three steps which
led to his dwelling. When I arrived opposite his house I stopped and
calculated the chances of mounting these steps without falling. I
first rested my hand upon the wall and then endeavored to lift my feet
upon the second step, but I had not the strength for such an
exertion. I thought of crawling to the door, but this was hardly a
decorous exhibition for the most fashionable street of the city,
filled just then with gayly-dressed ladies. Why I did not ask some
gentleman to aid me I can not now recall. I only recollect waiting for
several minutes in blank dismay over the seeming impossibility of ever
entering the door before me. Finally I went to the curbstone and
walked as rapidly and steadily as possible to the lower step, and
summoning all my energies made a plunge upward and fortunately caught
the door-knob. The physician was at dinner, which gave me some time to
recover myself from the agitation into which I had been thrown. After
I had narrated my case with special reference to the suspicion of
internal inflammation and its possible effect upon the brain, he
assured me that no danger of the kind needs to be anticipated. He
hoped I might succeed in my purpose, but thought it doubtful. An uncle
of his own, a clergyman of some reputation, had died in making the
effort. However, if I would take care of my own resolution, he would
answer for my continued sanity. He prescribed some preparation of
valerian and red pepper, I think, which I used for a week with little
appreciable benefit. Finding no great relief from this prescription,
or from those of other medical men whom for a few days about this time
I consulted, and feeling a constant craving for something bitter, I at
last prescribed for myself. Passing a store where liquor was sold, my
eye accidentally rested upon a placard in the window which read
"Stoughton's Bitters." This preparation gave me momentary relief, and
the only appreciable relief I found in medicine during the experiment.
The nights now began to bring new apprehensions. A constant dread
haunted my mind, in spite of the physician's assurances, that my brain
might give way from the excitement under which I labored. I was
especially afraid of some sudden paroxysm of mania, under the
influence of which I might do myself unpremeditated injury. I never
feared any settled purpose of self-injury, but I had become nervously
apprehensive of possible wayward and maniacal impulses which might
result in acts of violence.
My previous business had frequently detained me in the city till a
late hour, sometimes as late as midnight. A part of the road that led
to my house was quite solitary, with here and there a dwelling or
store of the lowest kind. A railroad in process of construction had
drawn to particular points on the road small collections of hovels,
many of which were whisky-shops, and past these noisy drinking-places
it was considered hazardous to walk alone at a late hour. In
consequence of the bad reputation of this neighborhood I had purchased
a large pistol which I kept ready for an emergency. Now, however, this
pistol began to rest heavily upon my mind. The situation of my house
was peculiarly favorable for the designs of any marauder. Directly
back of it a solitary ravine extended for half a mile or more until it
opened upon a populous suburb of the city. This suburb was largely
occupied by persons engaged in navigation, or connected with
boat-building, or by day-laborers, representing among them many
nationalities. The winter of which I am writing was one of unusual
stagnation in business and a hard one for the poor to get over. In the
nervously susceptible state of my mind at this time, this ravine
became a serious discomfort. When the stillness of night settled
within and around the house, the rustling of leaves and the distant
foot-falls in the ravine became distinctly audible. By some fancy of
Judge ----, who built it, the house had no less than seven outside
entrances. At intervals I would hear burglars at one of the doors,
then at another, nearer or more remote: the prying of levers, the
sound of boring, the stealthy footsteps, the carefully-raised window,
the heavy breathing of an intruder. Then came the appalling sense of
some strange presence, where no outward indication of such presence
could be perceived, followed by gliding shaddos revealed by the
occasional flicker of the waning fire.
Illusions of this nature served to keep the blood at feverheat during
the hours of darkness. Night after night the pistol was placed beneath
the pillow in readiness for these ghostly intruders. A few days,
however, brought other apprehensions worse than those of thieves and
burglars. The uncontrollable exasperation of the temper obliged me at
length to draw the charge from the pistol, through fear of yielding to
some sudden impulse of despair. I had also put out of reach my razors,
a hammer, and whatever else might serve as an impromptu means of
violence. I remember the grim satisfaction with which I looked upon
the brass ornaments of the bedroom fire-place, and reflected that, if
worse came to worst, I was not wholly without a resource with which to
end my sufferings. For nearly a fortnight previously I had refrained
from shaving, dreading I scarce knew what.
The day succeeding Christmas I rode to the city and walked the length
of innumerable by-streets as my weakness would allow. When too
exhausted to walk further, and looking for some place of rest, I
observed a barber's sign suspended over a basement room. Fortunately
the barber stood in the door-way and helped me to descend the
half-dozen stone steps which led to his shop. I told the man to cut my
hair, shave me, and shampoo my head. As he began his manipulations it
seemed as though every separate hair was endowed with an intense
vitality. It was impossible to refrain from mingled screams and groans
as I repeatedly caught his arm and obliged him to desist. Luckily the
barher was a man of sense, and by his extreme gentleness contrived in
the course of an hour to calm down my excitement.
When he had finished his work the sense of relief and refreshment was
astonishing. In this barber-shop I learned for the first time in what
the perfection of earthly happiness consists. The sudden cessation of
protracted and severe pain brings with it so exquisite a sense of
enjoyment that I do not believe that successful ambition, or requited
love, or the gratification of the wildest wishes for wealth, has a
happiness to bestow at all comparable to the calm, contented,
all-satisfying happiness that comes from a remission of intolerable
pain. For the first time in a month I felt an emotion that could be
called positively pleasant. As I left the shop I needed no assistance
in reaching the sidewalk, and waiked the streets for an hour or two
with something of an assured step.
Among other indications of the change taking place at this time in the
system was the increased freezing perspiration perpetually going on,
especially down the spine. This sense of dampness and icy coldness has
now continued for many months, and for nearly a year was accompanied
with a heavy cold. During the opium-eating years I do not remember to
have been affected at all in this latter way; but a severe cold at
this time settled upon the lungs, one indication of which was frequent
sternutation, consequent apparently upon the inflammation of the
mucous membrane.
In the entire week from Christmas to New Year's the progress in
abandonment of opium was but a single grain. I am sure there was no
want of resolution at this trying time. Day by day I exhausted all my
resources in the vain endeavor to get on with half, three-quarters,
even seven-eighths of a grain; but moans and groans, and biting the
tongue till the blood came, as it repeatedly did, would not carry me
over the twenty-four hours without the full grain. It seemed as if
tortured nature would collapse under any further effort to bring the
matter to a final issue.
Brandy and bitters after a few day's use had been abandoned, under the
apprehension that they were connected with the tendency to internal
inflammation which I have noticed as possibly affecting the brain. For
a day or two I resorted to ale, but a disagreeable sweetness about it
induced the substitution of Schenck beer, a weak kind of
_lager_. This I found satisfied the craving for a bitter liquid,
and it became for two or three weeks my chief drink. I should have
mentioned that the day subsequent to the disuse of tobacco I had also
given up tea and coffee, partly from a disposition to test the
strength of my resolution, and partly from the belief that they might
have some connection with a constant sensation in the mouth as if
salivated with mercury. I soon learned that the real difficulty lay in
the liver, and that this organ is powerfully affected in persons
abandoning the long-continued use of opium. Had I known this fact at
an earlier day it would have been of service in teaching me to control
the diseased longing for rich and highly-seasoned food which had now
become a passion. Eat as much as I would, however, the sense of hunger
never left me; and this diseased craving, in ignorance of its
injurious effects, was gratified in a way that might have taxed
unimpaired powers of digestion.
At length the long-anticipated New Year's Day, on which I was to be
emancipated forever from the tyranny of opium, arrived. For five weeks
of such steady suffering as the wealth of all the world would not
induce me to encounter a second time, I had kept my eye steadily fixed
upon this day as the beginning of a new life. This was also the day on
which I was to dine with my friend. As the dinner-hour approached it
became evident that no opium meant no dinner, and a little later, that
dinner or no dinner the opium was still a necessity. A half grain I
thought might carry me through the day, but in this I was mistaken. As
I lay upon my friend's sofa, suffering from a strange medley of
hunger, pain, and weakness, it seemed that years must elapse before
the system could regain its tone or the bodily sensations become at
all endurable. Soon after dinner I felt obliged to take another
half-grain. My humiliation in failing to triumph when and how I had
resolved to do, was excessive. In spite of the strongest resolutions,
I was still an opium-eater. I somehow felt that after all I had gone
through I ought, to have succeeded. I was in no mood to speculate
about the causes of the failure; it was enough to know that I had
failed, and what was worse, that apparently nothing whatever had been
gained in the last four days. While I certainly felt no temptation to
give in, I thought it possible that some of the functions of the body,
from the long use of opium, might have completely lost their powers of
normal action, and that I should be obliged to continue a very
moderate use of the drug during the remainder of my life. I saw, in
dismal perspective, that small fractional part of the opium of years
which was now represented by a single grain, looming up in endless
distance, not unlike that puzzling metaphysical necessity in the
perpetual subdivision of a unit, which, carried as far as it may be,
always leaves a final half undisposed of. But in this I did myself
injustice. I had really gained much in these few days, and the proof
of it lay in the use of but half a grain on the day which succeeded
New Year's. The third day of January, greatly to my surprise, a
quarter-grain I found carried me through the twenty-four hours with
apparently some slight remission of suffering.
As I now look back upon it, the worst of the experiment lay in the
three weeks intervening between the 10th and the 31st of December. So
far as mere pain of body was concerned, there was little to choose
between the agony of one day and another; but the apprehension that
insanity might set in, certainly aggravated the distress of the later
stages of the trial. When a man knows that he is practicing
self-control to the very utmost, and holding himself up steadily to
his work in spite of the gravest discouragements, the consciousness
that a large vacuum is being gradually formed in his brain is not
exhilarating.
The next day--to me a very memorable one--the fourth of January, I sat
for most of the day rocking backward and forward on a sofa or a chair,
speaking occasionally a few words in a low sepulchral voice, but with
the one bitter feeling, penetrating my whole nature, that come what
would, on that day _I would not_.
When the clock struck twelve at midnight, and I knew that for the
first time in many years I had lived for an entire day without opium,
it excited no surprise or exultation. The capacity for an emotion of
any kind was exhausted. I seemed as little capable of a sentiment as a
man well could be, this side of his winding-sheet. I knew, of course,
that in these forty days save one, I had worked out the problem, How
to leave off opium, and that I had apparently attained a final
deliverance: but it was several weeks before I appreciated with any
confidence the completion of the task I had undertaken.