ON THE CREEK-BANK
THERE is only a partial account of that evening in Mary's Good Times
book. She recorded the fact that the General himself came and talked to
her a few minutes, and laughed several times at her replies till people
turned to see who it was that he found so amusing. The handsome officer
of the day in sword and spurs was brought up to be introduced, and there
was a most gratifying list of names on her well-filled program.
Lieutenant Boglin had dutifully seen to that.
Had it not been for one circumstance the evening would have been a
succession of thrills, and she could have filled several pages with
enthusiastic recollections of it. That one little happening, however,
marred the whole occasion. She made no record of it in her Good Times
book, and she made up her mind never to speak of it, but to seal it up
in its particular memory cell as the bees do any intruding object which
threatens to poison their honey.
There was so much else to tell about her visit, that for several days
after her return she kept the family amused by her lively descriptions.
She and Gay had had a whole string of adventures the morning after the
hop, when they went down town together to finish her shopping. There had
been some interesting guests from New Zealand at luncheon, who had vied
with each other in telling marvelous yarns, and Mary had stored them all
away to repeat at home.
With so much else to talk about she might have succeeded in keeping her
resolution, had not she and Jack gone off to the creek one afternoon,
instead of taking their usual excursion towards the village. The spot
where they paused was a place which seemed to invite confidences. She
wheeled his chair along the bank, close to the water's edge, until they
came to a secluded circle of shade under an ancient cypress tree. There
she sat down opposite him on a big boulder.
They were some distance from the main road. Except when a wagon rattled
down the hill and across the ford it was so very still that the rush of
water over the pebbles sounded almost brawling. The constant gurgle and
swish seemed to have a sort of hypnotic effect on them both, for neither
of them spoke for a long time. Then Jack broke the silence.
"This monotony is getting on my nerves," he said in a low tense voice.
"You're a wonder to me, Mary. I don't see how you can come back to such
a deadly stupid place as this is, after the taste of gay times you've
had, and settle down again as cheerfully as you do. It makes me
desperate whenever I think that if it wasn't for my being in such a fix
you needn't be tied here. You could be where you'd have the social
opportunities you ought to have."
Mary looked up quickly. This tone of bitterness was a new note in Jack's
speech. He had drawn his hat down over his eyes, and was gripping the
arms of his chair with both hands, as if trying to keep his resentment
against fate in check.
"Just let me tell you something," cried Mary, so anxious to smooth the
grim lines of suffering out of the beloved face that she recklessly
broke her resolution. "_I didn't have as good a time at that hop as I
made out! The last part of it was perfectly ghastly, and I never want to
go to another as long as I live!_"
Then, seeing the look of blank amazement that spread over Jack's face,
she hastened to explain.
"Oh, it started out beautifully. I was simply ecstatic when we climbed
out of the 'bus and were ushered into that long room with the flags and
the evergreens, and the military music. And you already know how much it
meant to me to have the General so nice to me and the officer of the day
so attentive and complimentary; and how happy I was to have my programme
filled up so that there was no danger of my being a wall-flower. I was
having the loveliest time imaginable, when I went up to Gay to ask if
any of the safety-pins showed below my girdle. The polo man I had met at
dinner, that Mr. Mills, had been dancing with me, and, when he left me
with Gay, went over to speak to a pretty butterfly sort of girl, a
little brunette all in frilly pink and white; I'd been admiring her at a
distance. Of course he didn't know his voice carried so far. He was
protesting because she had left no place for him on her programme, and I
heard him say:
"'It wasn't _my_ fault that I didn't get to you in time. Bogey roped me
in first thing for a turn with that kindergarten kid he's got in tow.
She's Miss Melville's guest and I couldn't get out of it, but really,
Juliet--_that was punishment enough_ without your--'"
"I didn't hear the rest of it. Some people beside me laughed just then
and drowned his voice, but the girl looked over at me, and gave me a
long, searching glance, sort of out of the corner of her eye, and then
turned away with a little shrug of her shoulders and smiled up at him
quite as if she agreed with him and had forgiven him because he had such
a good excuse.
"I never had anything make me so uncomfortable in all my life as his
speech and then her sidelong look and nasty little shrug. It was the
_way_ he said it, and the _way_ she answered, that hurt. After that I
never forgot for a moment that my dress was a borrowed one and that it
didn't fit, and that I was the plain little country mouse that they were
polite to, merely because I was Gay's guest and Lieutenant Boglin asked
them to be. And I couldn't help feeling that every man who danced with
me was as bored as Mr. Mills had been; even more so, for I had been
perfectly natural and at ease when I was talking to him, and after I
overheard his remark I was so stiff and self-conscious that such a state
of mind was bound to have its effect all the rest of the evening. I was
perfectly aware that I was boring my partners."
"But that was such a little thing to let spoil your whole evening,"
interrupted Jack. "It was awfully rude of the fellow to make such a
speech, but he probably said it just to square himself with the other
girl. 'All's fair in love and war,' they say, and you don't know how
much it might have meant to him to keep in her good graces. I don't
believe he really meant it."
"Oh, I know better!" insisted Mary dismally. "He _did_ mean it! I felt
it!"
She slowly gathered up a handful of pebbles and sent them skipping
across the water at intervals as she continued:
"It gave me the same sensation that I had years ago, when I had my first
toy balloon. That is one of my earliest and most vivid recollections.
One moment I was hugging it to me because it was such a dear, gay, red
bubble, fairly entranced with the beauty of it. The next I was looking
down in a scared, puzzled way at what was left--just a dull scrap of
wrinkled rubber. That one remark and glance and shrug made all the
pleasure ooze out of the evening as quickly as my hugging squeezed the
air out of that collapsed balloon."
Jack smiled at her comparison. He remembered that time, and how they had
all laughed at her bewildered expression when the balloon burst in her
hands. She could not be convinced at first that her beautiful, red
bubble had ceased to be, and hopefully peered under tables and chairs,
even while she held the wreck of it in her hands.
Jack had always been her comforter. He had dried her tears then with the
promise of another balloon as soon as he could find the man who sold
them, and now he hurried to lift the gloom that had settled down on her
usually cheerful features. Having thrown away all her pebbles, she
bunched herself up into a disconsolate little heap, on the boulder, her
elbows on her knees, and her chin in her hand.
"No, it's no use your trying to comfort me," she said presently in
response to his repeated attempts. "Every time I think about that
evening I'm so mortified that I could cry. My mind's made up. I am a
dead failure socially, and I never want to go to another function as
long as I live!"
"You're a little goose! That's what you are," said Jack. "And I know
what's at the root of the whole trouble. You've done a lot of imagining
about your social career at one time and another. You've looked forward
to it and seen yourself in the rôle of an irresistible charmer. You've
felt like a dowager duchess inwardly, and forgotten that you've no marks
outwardly to show that you've grown up to take such a part. You have
your own individual charm, but so far it is only the charm of an
unsophisticated little school-girl, and naturally grown men find older
girls more interesting, just as you would prefer Phil Tremont's company
for instance, to that of little Billy Downs. But that's not saying that
you dislike Billy Downs, or that he won't grow up to be a social lion
some day. So may you. Now own up. You always have pictured yourself as
cutting quite a wide swath on your first appearance in society, haven't
you? That's one reason you were so disappointed at the hop."
"Well," admitted Mary, smiling in spite of herself, "I own I did expect
to once, a long time ago, and maybe that had a sort of sub-conscious
influence on me. It was when we first moved to Arizona. Hazel Lee and I
found a book that a boarder had left behind in his tent. It was called
'The Lady Agatha's Career; A Novel.' We took it out on the desert, a
little way, and spelled it out between us, sitting on the sand behind a
clump of grease-wood bushes, that hid us from view of the ranch house.
Hazel was allowed only juvenile books, and she knew her mother would
take this away from us on account of the word novel.
"It was such a horribly sentimental story that we found it embarrassing
to read the tenderest parts of it aloud, and I suppose because it was
the first one of the kind we had ever come across, it made a deeper
impression on us than it would have done otherwise. We fairly devoured
it. For days we thought and talked of nothing else, and we used to take
turns playing we were the Lady Agatha, about to burst on society like a
dazzling star, and win the heart of the proud scion of the House of de
Hoverly."
Jack threw back his head and laughed so heartily that Mary was forced to
smile again herself, as she went on with her confession.
"That all came back to me the other night when we climbed out of the
'bus, and I almost giggled when I remembered that this was what Hazel
and I had looked forward to as such a grand event--being escorted for
the first time by a grown man. It was on a similar occasion that the
Lady Agatha made such a hit in society. Our ideas of society were so
crude and funny then," Mary went on, beginning to relish her own
reminiscences. "All we knew about it we gathered from that book. It
seemed to be made up principally of haughty earls and dowager duchesses
who lived in castles and wore coronets. I didn't know what a dowager
was then, but I privately resolved to be one when I was grown. The name
seemed so grand and high-sounding, and in the story they always had
everything their own way. I couldn't help laughing a bit ago when you
used the word, for you had hit the nail on the head."
"Then you won't mind when I say 'I told you so'" laughed Jack. "If you
hadn't gone that night expecting to create a sensation, you'd have been
satisfied to have people nice to you simply because you were their
friend's friend, and wouldn't have been so cut up over that remark you
overheard."
"I'm not so sure about the last part," Mary insisted, her face clouding
again. "It _was_ nasty of him to say it, and the mere thought of that
man will always be an abomination to me."
There was silence for a little while. Everything was so still that a
bird hopped fearlessly out on a limb above them, and began to call to
its mate. When Mary spoke again there was a whimsical expression on her
face that soon reflected itself in Jack's.
"I can't help picturing things out beforehand, the way I'd like to have
them be. I've done it all my life. The rehearsing is always more fun,
though, than the actual happening. Now when I went away to school last
year, every time I'd wake up that last night in the sleeping-car, I'd
plan just what I'd say and how I'd act to make my entrance to Warwick
Hall imposing. I could actually see myself sweeping in to make a good
impression on Madam Chartley, and you know what happened! My hat was
cocked over one ear, the wire sticking out through the loops of ribbon,
and Madam caught me jumping up and down to try every seat in the
reception-room, one after the other."
Jack chuckled, glad to see some of Mary's cheerfulness returning.
"And then," she continued, "you remember when we met Phil and Elsie
Tremont on the train, as we were going out to Arizona to live?"
Jack nodded.
"I was only nine years old then, but for weeks I thought of Phil as a
sort of young god--a regular Apollo, and I pictured all sorts of scenes
in which I should be a prominent personage at our next meeting. And when
he _did_ come I was sprinting down the road in a cloud of dust, hatless
and breathless and purple in the face, crying, and crazy with fright,
because I thought that a harmless old Indian who chanced to be riding
down the same road, was chasing me. How Phil does laugh every time that
is mentioned!"
Mary was sitting up straight on the boulder now, her face dimpling as
she recalled these various predicaments.
"Then there's the time the Little Colonel visited us at the Wigwam.
Hadn't I dreamed of that first meeting for weeks--what we'd say and what
she'd say? Me in my rosebud sash and best embroidered white gown. But
she caught you and Joyce at the wash-tub, and I had to take my first
peep at her, crouched down in an irrigating ditch on my way home from
school, all inky and dirty and torn.
"But I don't think I've done quite so much romancing since Betty gave me
my Good Times book and preached me that little sermon on being
self-conscious," Mary chattered on. "She said that my always thinking of
the impression I was making on people, and being so eager to please was
what made me miserable when I fell short of my expectations. She said
that I ought to copy Lloyd. That her greatest charm was her utter
unconsciousness of self. I think that is Betty's too. She's _such_ a
darling."
There was no response to this. The mention of Betty's name brought up
so many pleasing scenes to Mary, that she sat living them over,
unmindful of the long silence that fell between her and Jack. He sat
with his hat pulled still farther over his eyes, in a revery as deep as
hers. Betty's name recalled the picture that was often before him in
these long, idle days. He was seeing her as he had seen her the first
time, now over a year ago, when he made his memorable visit to Kentucky.
She was standing at the end of the long locust avenue, all in white,
between the stately white pillars, with her godmother's arm about her,
as they awaited his approach.
Slim and girlish and winsomely sweet she was, and when he looked into
her wistful brown eyes, he felt in some strange way that he had come to
the end of all pilgrimage. The world held nothing beyond worth seeking
for.
After a long time the swirl of the water past them was lost in the sound
of a wagon, rattling noisily down the hill and across the ford. Then a
long line of cattle passed down the same road, accompanied by the hoarse
calls of their drivers on horseback. Mary looked up.
"Jack," she said hesitatingly, "did you ever hear this verse?
"'For should he come not by the road, and come not by the hill,
And come not by the far sea-way, yet come he surely will.
Close all the roads of all the world--_Love's road is open still_.'
"Do you believe that is true?"
"Not for me," he answered in a hoarse voice, so bitter, so resentful
that it startled her, coming as it did after long silence. He gripped
the arms of his chair again, as if in pain too great to endure, and then
burst out vehemently, "_Every_ road is closed to me now! It wouldn't be
so hard if there was any prospect of the end coming soon, but I may have
to hang on this way for years--just a living death! Caged in this
helpless hulk of a body, a drag on every one and a misery to myself!
_Heavens!_ If I could only end it all!"
"Oh, Jack!" begged Mary, starting up, tears in her eyes. "Don't talk
that way! You're not a drag on anybody! We couldn't live without you!
You've been so brave--just like Aldebaran in the Jester's Sword. '_So
bravely did he bear his lot, it seemed a kingly spirit dwelt among us!_'
Don't you know that just having you with us is more to us than anything
else in the whole world?"
She was fairly wringing her hands in her distress over this revelation
of the overwhelming bitterness of Jack's soul. For months he had been
so cheerful, hiding his real feelings under a playfulness of manner,
that it was a shock to her to find that his cheerfulness was only
assumed. Because he "had met his hurt so bravely and made no sign" she,
like the Jester, thought "the struggle had grown easier with time, and
that he really felt the gladness that he feigned." Like the Jester, too,
she was "at her wit's end for a reply." She could think of no word of
comfort.
The loud halloo which sounded just then in a familiar voice from up the
creek, was a welcome interruption. The next instant Norman came in sight
around the curve. He was standing up in a flat-bottomed boat, poling
down stream towards them, with the vigor and skill of a young Indian. It
was a clumsy, home-made affair, with "The Swan" painted in blue letters
on the side.
"She's mine for the winter!" he announced joyfully, as soon as he was
within speaking distance. "A man who lives up past Klein's crossing
rented it to me. I'm to chop wood awhile every Saturday to pay for the
use of it."
Norman was so interested in his new possession that he could not see
that he had interrupted a conversation of tragic seriousness.
"Come on and get in, Mary," he urged. "It's great. Beats those old rafts
you used to pole at Lee's ranch, all hollow. Don't you want to try it?"
Mary hesitated. To go off and leave Jack sitting on the creek-bank,
unable to accompany her, would emphasize his crippled condition. To
refuse to leave him would only be added proof in his present sensitive
mood that he was a "drag on every one."
"The sun is dropping so low we ought to be starting home before it
begins to get chilly," she said with a meaning glance towards Jack,
which to her relief Norman interpreted aright. He answered cheerfully,
"Oh, go on! It's a cinch _you_ won't get chilly if you push that old
boat along as fast as I did, and if we get cold waiting for you, it
won't be many minutes till we'll be 'seen, a-rolling down the Bowling
Green' towards home."
"All right, then," said Mary, climbing in as he climbed out to hold the
boat steady for her. "I won't go far, but I'm surely glad to get out on
the water again."
She took the oar he handed her, and with a skilful push against the bank
she sent the boat gliding out into the stream. As she went off she
thought: "That was considerate of Norman, to put it the way he did--to
include Jack with himself as a matter of course, and not to remind him
of his helplessness by saying he'd stay and take care of him. Norman has
lots of tact for a boy of his age; more than I have. I must have hurt
Jack many a time by my inconsiderate speeches, but I had no idea he felt
so horribly sensitive about being dependent."
All the way up the creek she was so occupied with thinking of what Jack
had said, and so depressed over the depths of mental suffering which his
exclamations revealed, that she plied her oar mechanically, only partly
awake to the scenes about her. But the long even strokes, first on one
side and then the other, sent her darting forward through the water so
rapidly that she soon reached a turn in the creek which she had never
passed before, and as she rounded the curve such a beautiful sight
greeted her that she cried out in pleased surprise, "How perfectly
_heavenly_!"
On one side the bank towered up into a high, steep cliff, straight as a
wall. It was completely covered with ferns; delicate, feathery
maiden-hair ferns, as luxuriantly green as in mid-summer. In this
sheltered spot they were still left untouched by the frost, although it
was now December. Everywhere else vegetation was dry and sere, but the
green freshness of this bank was accounted for by a number of tiny
water-falls splashing down from unseen springs above, and sending a
light spray in every direction, as fine as mist.
"I'm coming straight back here in the morning," she said to herself,
"and dig up a lot of these ferns before the frost gets them. I can't
think of anything lovelier to send to Gay for a Christmas greeting than
a clump of them growing in a box--a rustic box covered with bark and
dainty lichens. One would be nice for Mrs. Rochester, too. She's just
the kind that would appreciate such a gift. Well, that solves two of my
hardest problems of what to give." That trip up the creek in _The Swan_
was a voyage of discovery in more ways than one, for Mary came upon the
fact that she had grown older in the last quarter of an hour, quite as
suddenly and unexpectedly as she had come upon the fern-bank. That cry
of Jack's, "Heavens! If I could only end it all!" had shocked her into a
deeper understanding of pain, and human limits of endurance.
She had always prided herself on her ability to imagine herself in
other people's places, and until now had believed that she fully
understood and appreciated the depths of Jack's suffering. Now she saw
that she had not even begun to fathom it. His bravery had deceived her.
All the while that she had been thinking that he was growing accustomed
to his lot and that time was making it easier for him to bear, a fire of
rebellion was smouldering fiercely within him, making each day one of
new torture.
[Illustration: MARY WARE in TEXAS
"She sent the boat down stream with long swift strokes."]
Because she could plaster up her own small hurts with platitudes and
proverbs, and ease her disappointments by counting her blessings "as one
would count the beads upon a rosary" she had vainly imagined that all
this would be balm for him. How many times she had offered him such
comfort, feeling with childish complacency that she was helping to ease
his pain. She understood now. A sugarplum may help one to forget a
bee-sting, but a death-thrust is another matter.
Absorbed in her thoughts, she sent the boat down stream with long, swift
strokes, not noticing how fast it was going. Helped by the current, she
came in sight of Jack and Norman before she had mentally adjusted
herself to her new view-point. She was afraid that as soon as she and
Jack were left alone again they would find themselves facing the same
wall of blank despair, and she dreaded it. So to gain time, she began
calling to them about the wonderful bank of ferns she had discovered,
and made several awkward thrusts of the oar in an attempt to land,
before she finally ran the boat up on the bank.
But Norman did not leave them alone. Deciding that that secluded spot
would be a good place to chain the boat, and that it was time to be
doing his evening chores, he slipped the padlock key in his pocket and
handed the oar over to Mary, saying, "You carry this and I'll wheel the
chair."
Jack had taken a new grip on his courage, and if Mary could have but
known it, it was by the help of one of the very means she had branded as
futile, a few moments before. The sight of the bloodstone on his
watch-fob, as he glanced at the time, recalled the story of the poor
Jester who had been born in Mars month, like himself, and for that
reason had cause to claim undaunted courage as the "jewel of his soul."
The merest flicker of a smile crossed Jack's grimly-set lips as he
looked down at the bloodstone and thought of all it stood for; and
pulling himself together he whispered the Jester's vow between clenched
teeth: "I'll keep my oath until the going down of one more sun."
When Mary joined them he was chaffing Norman quite as usual, and
immediately began to joke about the awkward landing she had made. On the
way home Norman laughed often, thinking that Jack was in one of his
jolliest moods; but Mary walked beside them, the oar over her shoulder,
saying to herself, "And under all this brave show, _he's feeling every
minute that he'd be glad to die_!"
When she reached the house Mrs. Ware met them at the door, and Mary,
passing in quietly as Norman began telling about the boat, suddenly
remembered that that was not the natural way for her to come home.
Whenever she had any news she fairly tumbled into the house in her haste
to tell it. The boys knew that she had discovered the bank of ferns, and
that it was as exciting as Norman's discovery of a boat, because it
would provide some of her Christmas presents without cost. Yet here she
was walking in as calmly as if she were fifty years old and had outgrown
her girlish enthusiasms. It certainly was not natural.
So she turned back and interrupted Norman, because that was what she
always did when she was in a hurry to tell things, and she tried to make
her description as full of life and color as she usually did; but all
the time she had a feeling that she was acting.
Mrs. Ware expressed her interest with many pleased exclamations as she
always did when Mary came to her with any new-found cause for rejoicing,
but Mary, suddenly grown keen of vision, saw the look of anxiety and
weariness that seemed to lie in the back of her eyes behind the smile.
"I wonder," she mused, "if mamma is acting, too, if her gladness is only
on the surface, and she smiles to keep up her courage and ours, as they
say little boys whistle in the dark. Oh, it's dreadful to grow up if one
has to lose faith in this being a good old world. It used to seem so
happy all the time, and now it's all so sorrowful and out of joint."
She went into her room to wash her hands and get an apron before going
out into the kitchen to help prepare supper. As she stood tying the
apron-strings, she looked up at Lloyd Sherman's picture which hung over
her bed, as it used to hang in Warwick Hall and at Lone Rock, when she
pretended that it was Lloyd's _shadow-self_, the chum to whom she could
carry all her troubles, sure of silent sympathy. But somehow, while the
beautiful eyes smiled down into hers as kindly as they had always done,
they did not bring the sense of her presence. They did not speak to her
as they had done those other times when she turned to them for the
imagined communion that always brightened her spirits.
"It's never seemed the same since I knew she was engaged," Mary thought
with a sigh. "Of course I know she's just as fond of me as she was
before, but I can't help feeling that she's so taken up with other
things now, her life so heavenly full since she has found her prince,
that she _can't_ take the same interest in my affairs."
As she passed the mirror she turned back for a second glance. The first
had shown her the fresh unlined face of a girl of seventeen, but judging
by the way she felt she was sure there should be wrinkles. The weight of
world-weariness and disillusionment and foreboding which depressed her,
certainly could not belong to youth. They must be the property of an old
woman, in her sixties at least.