I am ashamed to think how my sudden flight will have taken you by
surprise. But since I am above all honest, and since I love you not one
bit the less, I shall tell you the truth in four words: I am horribly
jealous!
Felipe's eyes were too often on you. You used to have little talks
together at the foot of your rock, which were a torture to me; and I
was fast becoming irritable and unlike myself. Your truly Spanish beauty
could not fail to recall to him his native land, and along with it Marie
Heredia, and I can be jealous of the past too. Your magnificent black
hair, your lovely dark eyes, your brow, where the peaceful joy of
motherhood stands out radiant against the shadows which tell of past
suffering, the freshness of your southern skin, far fairer than that
of a blonde like me, the splendid lines of your figure, the breasts,
on which my godson hangs, peeping through the lace like some luscious
fruit,--all this stabbed me in the eyes and in the heart. In vain did
I stick cornflowers in my curls, in vain set off with cherry-colored
ribbons the tameness of my pale locks, everything looked washed out when
Renee appeared--a Renee so unlike the one I expected to find in your
oasis.
Then Felipe made too much of the child, whom I found myself beginning to
hate. Yes, I confess it, that exuberance of life which fills your house,
making it gay with shouts and laughter--I wanted it for myself. I read a
regret in Macumer's eyes, and, unknown to him, I cried over it two whole
nights. I was miserable in your house. You are too beautiful as a woman,
too triumphant as a mother, for me to endure your company.
Ah! you complained of your lot. Hypocrite! What would you have?
L'Estorade is most presentable; he talks well; he has fine eyes; and his
black hair, dashed with white, is very becoming; his southern manners,
too, have something attractive about them. As far as I can make out, he
will, sooner or later, be elected deputy for the Bouches-du-Rhone; in
the Chamber he is sure to come to the front, for you can always count on
me to promote your interests. The sufferings of his exile have given him
that calm and dignified air which goes half-way, in my opinion, to
make a politician. For the whole art of politics, dear, seems to me to
consist in looking serious. At this rate, Macumer, as I told him, ought
certainly to have a high position in the state.
And so, having completely satisfied myself of your happiness, I fly off
contented to my dear Chantepleurs, where Felipe must really achieve his
aspirations. I have made up my mind not to receive you there without a
fine baby at my breast to match yours.
Oh! I know very well I deserve all the epithets you can hurl at me. I am
a fool, a wretch, an idiot. Alas! that is just what jealousy means. I
am not vexed with you, but I was miserable, and you will forgive me
for escaping from my misery. Two days more, and I should have made
an exhibition of myself; yes, there would have been an outbreak of
vulgarity.
But in spite of the rage gnawing at my heart, I am glad to have come,
glad to have seen you in the pride of your beautiful motherhood, my
friend still, as I remain yours in all the absorption of my love. Why,
even here at Marseilles, only a step from your door, I begin to feel
proud of you and of the splendid mother that you will make.
How well you judged your vocation! You seem to me born for the part of
mother rather than of lover, exactly as the reverse is true of me. There
are women capable of neither, hard-favored or silly women. A good mother
and a passionately loving wife have this in common, that they both need
intelligence and discretion ever at hand, and an unfailing command of
every womanly art and grace. Oh! I watched you well; need I add, sly
puss, that I admired you too! Your children will be happy, but not
spoilt, with your tenderness lapping them round and the clear light of
your reason playing softly on them.
Tell Louis the truth about my going away, but find some decent
excuse for your father-in-law, who seems to act as steward for the
establishment; and be careful to do the same for your family--a true
Provencal version of the Harlowe family. Felipe does not know why I
left, and he will never know. If he asks, I shall contrive to find some
colorable pretext, probably that you were jealous of me! Forgive me this
little conventional fib.
Good-bye. I write in haste, as I want you to get this at lunch-time;
and the postilion, who has undertaken to convey it to you, is here,
refreshing himself while he waits.
Many kisses to my dear little godson. Be sure you come to Chantepleurs
in October. I shall be alone there all the time that Macumer is away
in Sardinia, where he is designing great improvements in his estate. At
least that is his plan for the moment, and his pet vanity consists in
having a plan. Then he feels that he has a will of his own, and this
makes him very uneasy when he unfolds it to me. Good-bye!