"And if you had been found there, suspicion would have attached either
to my mother or to me..."
"Forgive me," he murmured.
"If you walk along the boulevard, I shall hear your step; and when I
want to see you, I will open my window. But I would not run such a risk
unless some emergency arose. Why have you forced me by your rash act to
commit another, and one which may lower me in your eyes?"
The tears which I saw in his eyes were to me the most eloquent of
answers.
"What I have done to-night," I went on with a smile, "must seem to you
the height of madness..."
After we had walked up and down in silence more than once, he recovered
composure enough to say:
"You must think me a fool; and, indeed, the delirium of my joy has
robbed me of both nerve and wits. But of this at least be assured,
whatever you do is sacred in my eyes from the very fact that it seemed
right to you. I honor you as I honor only God besides. And then, Miss
Griffith is here."
"She is here for the sake of the others, not for us," I put in hastily.
My dear, he understood me at once.
"I know very well," he said, with the humblest glance at me, "that
whether she is there or not makes no difference. Unseen of men, we are
still in the presence of God, and our own esteem is not less important
to us than that of the world."
"Thank you, Felipe," I said, holding out my hand to him with a gesture
which you ought to see. "A woman, and I am nothing, if not a woman,
is on the road to loving the man who understands her. Oh! only on the
road," I went on, with a finger on my lips. "Don't let your hopes carry
you beyond what I say. My heart will belong only to the man who can
read it and know its every turn. Our views, without being absolutely
identical, must be the same in their breadth and elevation. I have no
wish to exaggerate my own merits; doubtless what seem virtues in my
eyes have their corresponding defects. All I can say is, I should be
heartbroken without them."
"Having first accepted me as your servant, you now permit me to love
you," he said, trembling and looking in my face at each word. "My first
prayer has been more than answered."
"But," I hastened to reply, "your position seems to me a better one than
mine. I should not object to change places, and this change it lies with
you to bring about."
"In my turn, I thank you," he replied. "I know the duties of a faithful
lover. It is mine to prove that I am worthy of you; the trials shall
be as long as you choose to make them. If I belie your hopes, you have
only--God! that I should say it--to reject me."
"I know that you love me," I replied. "_So far_," with a cruel emphasis
on the words, "you stand first in my regard. Otherwise you would not be
here."
Then we began to walk up and down as we talked, and I must say that
so soon as my Spaniard had recovered himself he put forth the genuine
eloquence of the heart. It was not passion it breathed, but a marvelous
tenderness of feeling which he beautifully compared to the divine
love. His thrilling voice, which lent an added charm to thoughts, in
themselves so exquisite, reminded me of the nightingale's note. He spoke
low, using only the middle tones of a fine instrument, and words flowed
upon words with the rush of a torrent. It was the overflow of the heart.
"No more," I said, "or I shall not be able to tear myself away."
And with a gesture I dismissed him.
"You have committed yourself now, mademoiselle," said Griffith.
"In England that might be so, but not in France," I replied with
nonchalance. "I intend to make a love match, and am feeling my way--that
is all."
You see, dear, as love did not come to me, I had to do as Mahomet did
with the mountain.
Friday.
Once more I have seen my slave. He has become very timid, and puts on an
air of pious devotion, which I like, for it seems to say that he feels
my power and fascination in every fibre. But nothing in his look or
manner can rouse in these society sibyls any suspicion of the boundless
love which I see. Don't suppose though, dear, that I am carried away,
mastered, tamed; on the contrary, the taming, mastering, and carrying
away are on my side...
In short, I am quite capable of reason. Oh! to feel again the terror of
that fascination in which I was held by the schoolmaster, the plebeian,
the man I kept at a distance!
The fact is that love is of two kinds--one which commands, and one which
obeys. The two are quite distinct, and the passion to which the one
gives rise is not the passion of the other. To get her full of life,
perhaps a woman ought to have experience of both. Can the two passions
ever co-exist? Can the man in whom we inspire love inspire it in us?
Will the day ever come when Felipe is my master? Shall I tremble then,
as he does now? These are questions which make me shudder.
He is very blind! In his place I should have thought Mlle. de Chaulieu,
meeting me under the limes, a cold, calculating coquette, with starched
manners. No, that is not love, it is playing with fire. I am still fond
of Felipe, but I am calm and at my ease with him now. No more obstacles!
What a terrible thought! It is all ebb-tide within, and I fear to
question my heart. His mistake was in concealing the ardor of his love;
he ought to have forced my self-control.
In a word, I was naughty, and I have not got the reward such naughtiness
brings. No, dear, however sweet the memory of that half-hour beneath
the trees, it is nothing like the excitement of the old time with its:
"Shall I go? Shall I not go? Shall I write to him? Shall I not write?"
Is it thus with all our pleasures? Is suspense always better than
enjoyment? Hope than fruition? Is it the rich who in very truth are
the poor? Have we not both perhaps exaggerated feeling by giving to
imagination too free a rein? There are times when this thought freezes
me. Shall I tell you why? Because I am meditating another visit to
the bottom of the garden--without Griffith. How far could I go in this
direction? Imagination knows no limit, but it is not so with pleasure.
Tell me, dear be-furbelowed professor, how can one reconcile the two
goals of a woman's existence?