All is over, my dear child, and it is Mme. de l'Estorade who writes to
you. But between us there is no change; it is only a girl the less.
Don't be troubled; I did not give my consent recklessly or without much
thought. My life is henceforth mapped out for me, and the freedom
from all uncertainty as to the road for me to follow suits my mind and
disposition. A great moral power has stepped in, and once for all swept
what we call chance out of my life. We have the property to develop, our
home to beautify and adorn; for me there is also a household to direct
and sweeten and a husband to reconcile to life. In all probability I
shall have a family to look after, children to educate.
What would you have? Everyday life cannot be cast in heroic mould. No
doubt there seems, at any rate at first sight, no room left in this
scheme of life for that longing after the infinite which expands the
mind and soul. But what is there to prevent me from launching on that
boundless sea our familiar craft? Nor must you suppose that the humble
duties to which I dedicate my life give no scope for passion. To restore
faith in happiness to an unfortunate, who has been the sport of adverse
circumstances, is a noble work, and one which alone may suffice to
relieve the monotony of my existence. I can see no opening left for
suffering, and I see a great deal of good to be done. I need not hide
from you that the love I have for Louis de l'Estorade is not of the kind
which makes the heart throb at the sound of a step, and thrills us at
the lightest tones of a voice, or the caress of a burning glance; but,
on the other hand, there is nothing in him which offends me.
What am I to do, you will ask, with that instinct for all which is great
and noble, with those mental energies, which have made the link between
us, and which we still possess? I admit that this thought has troubled
me. But are these faculties less ours because we keep them concealed,
using them only in secret for the welfare of the family, as instruments
to produce the happiness of those confided to our care, to whom we are
bound to give ourselves without reserve? The time during which a woman
can look for admiration is short, it will soon be past; and if my life
has not been a great one, it will at least have been calm, tranquil,
free from shocks.
Nature has favored our sex in giving us a choice between love and
motherhood. I have made mine. My children shall be my gods, and this
spot of earth my Eldorado.
I can say no more to-day. Thank you much for all the things you have
sent me. Give a glance at my needs on the enclosed list. I am determined
to live in an atmosphere of refinement and luxury, and to take from
provincial life only what makes its charm. In solitude a woman can never
be vulgarized--she remains herself. I count greatly on your kindness for
keeping me up to the fashion. My father-in-law is so delighted that he
can refuse me nothing, and turns his house upside down. We are getting
workpeople from Paris and renovating everything.