BLOWS
I
Jack managed to escape. When the rooks were fluttered by the sight of
that ghostly white starling, he just ran. He ran in disgust from the
smell of lavender salts, the tags of mourning patterns, respectable
dying, and these awful people. Surely there was something rotten at the
bottom of people, he thought, to make them behave as they did. And again
came over him the feeling he had often had, that he was a changeling,
that he didn't belong to the so-called "normal" human race. Nor, by
Jupiter, did he want to. The "normal" human race filled him with
unspeakable repulsion. And he knew they would kill him if they found out
what he was. Hence that unconscious dissembling of his innocent face.
He ran, glad to get into a sweat, glad to sweat it all out of himself.
Glad to feel the sun hot on his damp hands, and then the afternoon
breeze, just starting, cool on his wet skin. When he reached the
sand-bagged pool, he took off his clothes and spread them in the sun,
while he wallowed in the lukewarm water. Ay! if one could wash off one's
associations! If one could but be alone in the world.
After bathing he sat in the sun awhile to dry, then dressed and walked
off to look at the lower dam pump. Tom had said it needed attending to.
And anyway it led him away from the house.
The pump was all right. There had been a March shower that had put water
in the dam. So after looking round at the sheep, he turned away.
Which way? Not back home. Not yet.
The land breeze had lifted and the sea breeze had come, clearing the hot
dry atmosphere as if by magic, and replacing the furnace breath by
tender air. Which way?
At the back of his mind was the thought of Monica not home yet from the
Reds' place, and evening coming on, another of the full golden evenings
when the light seemed fierce with declaration of another eternity, a
different eternity from ours.
Last Sunday, on such an evening, he had kissed her. And much as he
wanted to avoid her, the desire to kiss her again drove him as if the
great yellowing light were a wind that blew him, as a butterfly is blown
twinkling out to sea. He drifted towards the trail from the Reds' place.
He walked slowly, listening to the queer evening noise of the magpies,
and the more distant screeching of flying parrots. Someone had disturbed
the parrots beyond the Black Barn gums. So as if by intuition he walked
that way, slightly off the trail.
And suddenly he heard the sound his spirit expected to hear: Monica
crying out in expostulation, anger, and fear. It was the fear in her
voice that made his face set. His first instinct was not to intrude on
their privacy. Then again came the queer, magpie noise of Monica, this
time with an edge of real hatred to her fear. Jack pushed through the
bushes. He could smell the warm horses already.
Yes, there was Lucy standing by a tree. And Monica, in a long skirt of
pink-sprigged cotton, with a frill at the bottom, trying to get up into
the side-saddle. While Easu, in his Sunday black reach-me-downs and
white shirt and white rubber-soled cricketing boots, every time she set
her foot in the stirrup, put his hand round her waist and spread his
fingers on her body, and lifted her down again, lifted her on one hand
in a childish and ridiculous fashion, and held her in a moment's
embrace. She, in her long cotton riding-dress with the close-fitting
bodice, did indeed look absurd, hung like a child on Easu's hand, as he
lifted her down and held her struggling against him, then let her go
once more, to mount her horse. Lucy was shifting uneasily, and Easu's
big black horse, tethered to a tree, was jerking its head with a jingle
of the bit. The girth hung loose. Easu had evidently dismounted to
adjust it.
Monica was becoming really angry, really afraid, and really blind with
dismay, feeling for the first time her absolute powerlessness. To be
powerless drove her mad, and she would have killed Easu if she could,
without a qualm. But her hate seemed to rouse the big Easu to a passion
of desire for her. He put his two big hands round her slender body and
compassed her entirely. She gave a loud, strange, uncanny scream. And
Jack came out of the bushes, making the black horse plunge. Easu glanced
round at the horse, and saw Jack. And at the same time our hero planted
a straight, vicious blow on the bearded chin. Easu, unprepared,
staggered up against Lucy, who began to jump, while Monica, tangled in
her long skirt, fell to her knees on the ground.
Quite a picture! Jack said it himself. Even he saw himself standing
there, like Jack the Giant-killer. And of course he saw Monica on her
knees, with tumbled hair and scarlet cheeks, unspeakably furious at
being caught, angrily hitching herself out of her long cotton
riding-skirt and pressing her cheeks to make them less red. She was
silent, with averted face, and she seemed small. He saw Easu in the
Sunday white shirt and rather tight Sunday breeches, facing round in
unspeakable disgust and fury. He saw himself in a ready-made cotton suit
and cheap brown canvas shoes, bought at the local store, standing
awaiting an onslaught.
The onslaught did not come. Instead, Easu said, in a tone of unutterable
contempt:
"Why, what's up with you, you little sod!"
Jack turned to Monica. She had got on to her feet, and was pushing her
hair under her hat.
"Monica," he said, "you'd better get home. Gran's dying."
She looked at him, and a slow, wicked smile of amusement came over her
face. Then she broke into a queer, hollow laugh, at the bottom of which
was rage and frustration. Then her laugh rose higher.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" she laughed. "Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ha-ha-ha! Ah! !
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ha-ha-ha! Ah! ! ! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah! ha-ha! Ha!
Ah! Gran's dying! Ha-ha-ha! Is she really? Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! No, I
don't mean it. But it seems so funny! Ah! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah! ha-ha-ha!"
She smothered herself into a confused bubbling. The two men stood
aghast, shuddering at the strange, hysterical woman's laughter that went
shrilling through the bush. They were horrified lest someone else should
hear.
Monica, in her cotton frock and long sweeping skirt, stood pushing her
handkerchief in her mouth, and trying in vain to stifle the hysterical
laughter that still shook her slender body. Occasionally a strange peal,
like mad bells, would break out. And then she ended with a passionate
sobbing.
"I know! I know!" she sobbed, like a child. "Gran's dying, and you won't
let me go home."
"You can go home," Jack said. "You can go home. But don't go with your
face all puffed up with crying."
She gradually gained control of herself, and turned away to her horse.
Jack went to help her mount. She got into the saddle, and he gave her
the reins. She kept her face averted, and Lucy began to move away
slowly, towards the home track.
Easu still stood there, planted with his feet apart, his head a little
dropped, and a furious, contemptuous, revengeful hate of the other two
in his light blue eyes. He had his head down, ready for an attack. Jack
saw this, and waited.
"Going to take your punishment?" said Easu, in a nasty voice.
"Ready when you are," said Jack.
Ugh! How he hated Easu's ugly, jeering, evil eyes, how he would love to
smash them out of his head. In the long run, hate was an even keener
ecstasy than love, and the battle of hate, the fight with blood in the
eyes, an orgasm of deadly gratification keener than any passionate
orgasm of love.
Easu slowly threw his hat on the ground. Jack did the same, and started
to pull off his coat. Easu glanced round to see if Monica was going. She
was. Her back was already turned, and Lucy was stepping gingerly through
the bushes. He lifted his chin, unknotted his tie, and threw it in his
hat. Then he unbuttoned his shirt-cuffs, and pulled off his shirt, and
hitched his belt. He was now naked to the waist. He had a very white
skin with reddish hair at the breast, and an angular kind of force. His
reddish-haired brawny arms were burnt brown-red, as was his neck. For
the rest his skin was pure white, with the dazzle of absolute health.
Yet he was ugly rather than beautiful. The queer angularity of his
brawn, the sense of hostile mechanical power. The sense of the mechanism
of power in him made him like some devil fallen into a lower grade.
Jack's torso was rather absurdly marked by the sun-burnt scallops of his
vest-lines, for he worked a good deal in a vest. Easu always wore a
shirt and no vest. And Jack, in spite of the thinness of youth, seemed
to have softer lines and a more human proportion, more grace. And there
was a warmth in his white skin, making it much less conspicuous than the
really dazzling brilliance of Easu. Easu was a good deal bigger, but
Jack was more concentrated, and a born fighter. He fought with all his
soul.
He shaped up to Easu, and Easu made ready, when they were interrupted by
a cry from Monica, in a high, hysterical voice. They looked up. She had
reined in her horse among the bushes, and was looking round at them with
a queer sharp, terrified face, from the distance. Her shrill voice
cried:
"Don't forget he saved Herbert's life."
Both men faced round and looked at her as if she had committed an
indecency. She quailed in her saddle. Easu, with a queer jerk of the
head, motioned to her to go. She sank a little forward in her saddle,
and hurriedly urged her horse through the bush, out of sight, without
ever looking round, leaving the men, as she knew, to their heart's
desire.
They waited for a while. Then they lifted their fists again, and drew
near. Jack began the light, subtle, harmonious dancing which preceded
his attack. He always attacked, no matter whom he fought. He could not
fight unless he took the initiative. So now he danced warily, subtly
before Easu, and Easu stood ready to side-step. Easu was bigger, harder,
much more powerful than Jack, and built in hard mechanical lines: the
kind that is difficult to knock out, if you have not much weight behind
your blow.
"Are y' insured?" sneered Easu.
But Jack did not listen. He had always fought with people bigger and
older than himself. But he had never before had this strange lust
dancing in his blood, the lust of rage dancing for its consummation in
blows. He had known it before, as a sort of game. But now the lust bit
into his very soul, and he was quivering with accumulated desire, the
desire to hit Easu hard, hit him till he knocked him out. He wanted to
hit him till he knocked him out.
And he knew himself deficient in brute power. So he must make up in
quickness and skill and concentration. When he did strike it must be a
fine keen blow that went deep. He had confidence in his power to do it.
Only--and this was the disturbing element--he knew there was not much
_time._ And he would rather be knocked out himself than have the fight
spoiled in the middle.
He moved lightly and led Easu on, ducked, bobbed up again, and began to
be consummately happy. Easu could not get at him.
"Come on!" said Easu thickly.
So suddenly he came on, and bang! bang! went his knuckles against that
insulting chin. And he felt joy spring in his bowels.
But he did not escape without punishment. Pat!--butt! Pat!--butt! went
Easu's swinging blows down over his back. But Jack got in two more:
Bang! Bang! He knew by the exquisite pain of his knuckles that he had
struck deep, pierced the marrow of the other with pain of defeat.
Pat--butt! Pat--butt! came the punishment.
But Jack was out again, dancing softly, electric joy in his bowels. Then
suddenly he sprang back at Easu, his arms swinging in strange,
vindictive sideways swoops. Ping! Pong! Ping! Pong! rapid as lightning.
Easu fell back a little dazed before this sudden rain of white blows,
but Jack followed, followed, followed, nimbly, warily, but with deadly,
flickering intent.
Crash! Easu went down, but caught Jack a heavy smash in the face with
his right as he fell. Jack reeled away.
And then, posed, waiting, watching, with blood running from bruised cuts
on his swelling face, one eye rapidly closing, he stood well forward,
fists in true boxing trim, and a deep gratification of joy in his dark
belly.
Easu rose slowly, foaming at the mouth; then getting to his feet rushed
head down, in a convulsion, at his adversary. Jack stepped aside, but
not quite quick enough. He caught Easu a blow with his left under the
ear, but not in time to stop the impact. Easu's head butted right where
he wanted it to--into his enemy's stomach; though not full in the pit.
Jack fell back winded, and Red also fell again, giving Jack time to
throw back his head and whoop for a few mouthfuls of air. So that when
Red rushed in again, he was able feebly to fence and stall him off,
stepping aside and hitting again, but wofully clipping, smacking only...
"Foul! He's winded! Foul!" yelled someone from the bushes. "Time!"
"Not for mine," roared Easu.
He sprang and dashed at his gasping, gulping adversary, whirling his
arms like iron piston-rods. Jack dodged the propelled whirl, but
stumbled over one of the big feet stuck out to trip him. Easu hit as he
fell, and swung a crashing left-right about the sinking, unprotected
head. And when Jack was down, kicked the prostrate body in an orgasm of
fury.
"Foul, you swine!" screamed Rackett, springing in like a tiger. Easu,
absolutely blind with rage and hate, stared hellish and unseeing. Jack
lay crumpled on the floor. Dr. Rackett stooped down to him, as Tom and
Lennie and Alec Rice ran in. Easu went and dropped on a fallen log,
sitting blowing to get his wind and his consciousness back. He was
unconscious with fury, like some awful Thing, not like a man.
"My God, Easu!" screamed Rackett, who had lifted the dead head of Jack
on to his knees. "If you've done for him I'll have you indicted."
And Easu, slowly, heavily coming back to consciousness, lifted his head,
and the blue pupils of his red eyes went ugly with evil fear, his
bruised face seemed to have dropped with fear. He waited, vacant, empty
with fear.
At length Jack stirred. There was life in him. And at once the bully
Easu began to talk wide.
"Bloody little sod came at me bashing me jaw, when I'd never touched
him. Had to fight to defend myself. Bloody little sod!"
Jack opened his eyes and struggled to rise.
"Anybody counting?" he said stupidly. But he could not get up.
"It was a foul," said Rackett.
"Foul be blithered!" shouted Easu. "It was a free fight and no blasted
umpires asked for. If that bloody bastard wants some more, let him get
up. I'm goin' to teach him to come crowin' from England, crowin' over an
Australian."
But Jack was on his unsteady feet. He would fight now if he died for it.
"Teach me!" he said vaguely, and sprang like a cat out of a bag on the
astonished and rather frightened Easu.
But something was very wrong. When his left fist rang home, it caused
such an agony that a sheer scream of pain tore from him, clearing the
mists from his brain in a strange white light. He was now fully
conscious again, super-conscious. He knew he must hit with his right,
and hit hard. He heard nothing, and saw nothing. But with a kind of
trance vision he was super-awake.
Man is like this. He has various levels of consciousness. When he is
broken, killed at one level of consciousness, his very death leaves him
on a higher level. And this is the soul in its entirety, being
conscious, super-conscious, far beyond mentality. It hardly needs eyes
or ears. It is clairvoyant and clair-audient. And man's divinity, and
his ultimate power, is in this super-consciousness of the whole soul.
Not in brute force, not in skill or intelligence alone. But in the
soul's extreme power of knowing and then willing. On this alone hangs
the destiny of all mankind.
Jack, uncertain on his feet, incorporate, wounded to horrible pain in
his left hand, was now in the second state of consciousness and power.
Meanwhile the doctor was warning Easu to play fair. Jack heard
absolutely without hearing. But Easu was bothered by it.
He was flustered by Jack's unexpected uprising. He was weary and
wavering, the paroxysm of his ungovernable fury had left him, and he had
a desire to escape. His rage was dull and sullen.
Jack was softly swaying. Easu shaped up and waited. And suddenly Jack
sprang, with all the weight of his nine stone behind him, and all the
mystery of his soul's deadly will, and planted a blow on Easu's
astonished chin with his granite right fist. Before there was any
recovery he got in a second blow, and it was a knockout. Easu crashed,
and Jack crashed after him, and both lay still.
Dr. Rackett, watch in hand, counted. Easu stared at the darkening blue,
and sat up. An oath came out of his disfigured mouth. Dr. Rackett put
the watch in his pocket as Easu got to his feet. But Jack did not move.
He lay in a dead faint.
Lennie, the emotional, began to cry when he saw Jack's bruised,
greenish-looking face. Dr. Rackett was feeling the pulse and the heart.
"Take the horse, and fetch some whiskey and some water, Tom," he said.
Tom turned to Easu, who stood with his head down and his mouth all cut,
watching, waiting to depart, undecided.
"I'll borrow your horse a minute, Easu," he said. And Easu did not
answer. He was getting into his shirt again, and for the moment none of
him was visible save the belt of white skin round the waist. Tom pulled
up the girth of the black horse, and jumped into the saddle. Lennie
slipped up behind him, his face still wet with tears. Easu's face
emerged, disfigured, out of his white shirt, and watched them go.
Rackett attended to Jack, who still gave no signs of life. Alec Rice
stood beside the kneeling doctor, silent and impassive.
Easu slowly buttoned his shirt cuffs and shirt-collar, with numb
fingers. The pain was just beginning to come out, and he made queer
slight grimaces with his distorted face. Slowly he got his black tie,
and holding up his chin, fastened it round his throat, clumsily. He was
not the same Easu that had set off so huge and assertive, with Monica.
Lennie came running with a tin of water. He had slipped off the horse at
the lower dam, and found the tin which he kept secreted there. Dr.
Rackett put a wet handkerchief on Jack's still, dead face. Under the
livid skin the bruises and the blood showed terrifying, one eye already
swollen up. The queer mask of a face looked as if the soul, or the life,
had retreated from it in weariness or disgust. It looked like somebody
else's altogether.
"He ain't dead, is he?" whimpered Lennie, terrified most of all because
Jack, with his swollen face and puffed eye, looked like somebody else.
"No! But I wish Tom would come with that whiskey."
As he spoke, they heard the crashing sound of the horse through the
bushes, and Tom's red, anxious face appeared. He swung out of the saddle
and dropped the reins on the ground.
Dr. Rackett pressed the bruised chin, pressed the mouth open, and poured
a little liquor down Jack's throat. There was no response. He poured a
little more whiskey. There came a slight choking sound, and then the one
dark-blue eye opened vacant. It stared in vacancy for some moments,
while everybody stood with held breath. Then the whiskey began to have
effect. Life seemed to give a movement of itself, in the boy's body, and
the wide-open eye took a conscious direction. It stared straight into
the eyes of Easu, who stood there looking down, detached, in
humiliation, derision, and uneasiness. It stared with a queer, natural
recognition, and a faint jeering, uneasy grin was the reflex on Easu's
disfigured mask.
"Guess he's had enough for once," said Easu, and turning, he picked up
his horse's reins, dropped into the saddle, and rode straight away.
"Feel bad?" Dr. Rackett asked.
"Rotten!" said Jack.
And at last Lennie recognised the voice. He could not recognise the
face, especially with that bunged-up eye peering gruesomely through a
gradually diminished slit, Hun-like.
Dr. Rackett smiled slightly.
"Where's your pain?" he asked.
Jack thought about it. Then he looked into Rackett's eyes without
answering.
"Think you can stand?" said Rackett.
"Try me."
They got him to his feet. Everything began to swim again. Rackett's arm
came round him.
"Did he knock me out?" Jack asked. The question came from his
half-consciousness: from a feeling that the battle with Easu was not yet
finished.
"No, you knocked him out. Let's get your coat on."
But as he shoved his arm into his coat he knew he was fainting again,
and he almost wept, feeling his consciousness and his control going. He
thought it was just his stiff, swollen, unnatural face that caused it.
"Can y' walk?" asked Tom anxiously.
"Don't walk on my face, do I?" came the words. But as they came, so did
the reeling, nauseous oblivion. He fainted again, and was carried home
like a sack over Tom's back.
When he came to, he was on his bed, Lennie was feverishly pulling off
his shoes, and Dr. Rackett was feeling him all over. Dr. Rackett smelt
of drugs. But now Rackett's face was earnest and attentive, he looked a
nice man, only weak.
Jack thought at once of Gran.
"How's Gran?" he asked.
"She's picked up again. The relations put her in a wax, so she came to
life again."
"You're the one now, you look an awful sight," said Len.
"Did anybody see me?" asked Jack, dim and anxious.
"Only Grace so far."
Rackett, who was busy bandaging, saw the fever of anxiety coming into
the one live eye.
"Don't talk," he said. "Len, he mustn't talk at all. He's got to go to
sleep."
After they had got his nightshirt on, they gave him something to drink,
and he went to sleep.
II
When he awoke, it was dark. His head felt enormous. It was getting
bigger and bigger, till soon it would fill the room. Soon his head would
be so big, it would fill all the room, and the room would be too small
for it. Oh, horror! He was so frightened, he cried out.
"What's amiss?" a quick voice was asking.
"Make a light! Make a light!" cried Jack.
Lennie quickly lit a candle, and to Jack's agonized relief, there was
the cubby, the bed, the walls, all of natural dimensions, and Tom and
Lennie in their nightshirts standing by his bed.
"What's a-matter, ol' dear?" Lennie asked caressively.
"My head! I thought it was getting so big the room wouldn't hold it."
"Aw! go on now!" said Lennie. "Y' face is a bit puffy, but y' head's
same as ever it was."
Jack couldn't believe it. He was so sensually convinced that his head
had grown enormous, enormous, enormous.
He stared at Lennie and Tom in dismay. Lennie stroked his hair softly.
"There's y' ol' nut!" he said. "Tain't no bigger 'n it ever was. Just
exactly same life-size."
Gradually Jack let himself be convinced. And at last he let them blow
the candle out. He went to sleep.
He woke again with a frenzy working in him. He had pain, too. But far
worse than the pain was the tearing of the raging discomfort, the frenzy
of dislocation. And in his stiff swollen head, there was something he
remembered but could not drag into light. What was it? What was it? In
the frenzy of struggle to know, he went vague.
Then it came to him, words as plain as knives.
"And when I die
In hell I shall lie
With fire and chains
And awful pains."
The Aunts had repeated this to him, as a child, when he was naughty. And
it had always struck a vague terror into his soul. He had forgotten it.
Now it came again.
"In hell I shall lie
With fire and chains
And awful pains."
He had a vivid realisation of this hell. That was where he lay at that
very moment.
"You must be a good, loving little boy."
He had never wanted to be a good, loving little boy. Something in his
bowels revolted from being a good, loving little boy, revolted in
nausea. "But if you're not a good, loving little boy."
Then when you die
In hell you will lie'--etc.
"Let me lie in hell, then," the bad and unloving little boy had
answered, to the shocked horror of the Aunts. And the answer had scared
even himself.
And now the hell was on him. And still he was not a good, loving little
boy.
He remembered his lessons: Love your enemies.
"Do I love Easu?" he asked himself. And he writhed over in bed in
disgust. He loathed Easu. If he could crush him absolutely to powder, he
would crush him to powder. Make him extinct.
"Lord, Lord!" he groaned. "I loathe Easu. I loathe him."
What was amiss with him? Did he want to leave off loathing Easu? Was
that the root of his sickness and fever?
But when he thought of Easu's figure and face, he knew he didn't want to
leave off loathing him. He _did_ loathe him, whether he wanted to or
not, and the fact to him was sacred. It went right through the core of
him.
"Lord! Lord!" he groaned, writhing in fever. "Lord, help me to loathe
him properly. Lord, I'll kill him if you want me to; and if you don't
want me to, I won't. I'll kill him if you want me to. But if you don't
want me to, I won't care any more."
The pledge seemed to soothe him. At the back of Jack's consciousness was
always this mysterious Lord, to whom he cried in the night. And this
Lord put commands upon him, but so darkly, Jack couldn't easily find out
what the commands were. The Aunts had always said, the command was to be
a good, loving little boy. But when he tried being a good, loving little
boy, his soul seemed to lose his Lord, and turn wicked. That was what
made him fear hell. When he seemed to lose connection with his great,
mysterious Lord, with whom he communed absolutely alone, he became aware
of hell. And he couldn't share with his Aunts that Jesus whom they
always commended. At the Sacrament, something in his soul stood cold,
and he knew this was no Sacrament to him.
He had his own Lord. And when he could get into communication or
communion, with his own Lord, he always felt well and right again.
Now, in his pain and battered fever, he was fighting for his Lord again.
"Lord, I don't love Easu, and I'll kill him if you want me to. But if
you don't want me to, I won't, I won't, I won't bother any more."
This pledge and this submission soothed him strangely. He felt he was
coming back to his own Lord. It was a pledge, and he would keep it. He
gave no pledge to love Easu. Only not to kill him, if the Lord didn't
want it; and to kill him, if the Lord did.
"Lord, I don't love Monica. I don't love her. But if she'd give up to
me, I'd love her if you wanted me to."
He thought about this. Somewhere, his soul burned against Monica. And
somewhere, his soul burned for her.
But she must give up to him. She must give herself up. He demanded this
submission, as if it were a submission to his mysterious Lord. She would
never submit to the mysterious Lord direct. Like that old demon of a
Gran, who knew the Lord, and played with Him, spited Him even. Monica
would have first to submit to himself, Jack, in person, before she would
really yield before the immense Lord. And yield before the immense Lord
she must. Through him.
"Lord!" he said, invoking the supreme power, "I love Lennie and Tom, and
I want always to love them, and I want you to back them."
The prickles of pain entered his soul again.
"Lord, I don't love my father, but I don't want to hurt him. Only, I
don't love him, Lord. And it's not my fault, though he's a good man,
because I wasn't born with love for him in me."
This had been a thorn in his consciousness since he was a child. Best
get it out now. Because the fear of not loving his father had almost
made him hate him. If he ought to love him, and he couldn't love him,
then there was nothing to do but hate him, because of the hopeless
obligation. But if he needn't love him, then he needn't hate him, and
they could both be in peace. He would leave it to his Lord.
"Perhaps I ought to love Mary," he continued. "But I don't _really_ love
her, because she doesn't realise about the Lord. She doesn't realise
there is any Lord. She thinks there's only me, and herself. But there is
the Lord. And Monica knows. But Monica is spiteful against the Lord.
Lord! Lord!"
He ended on the old human cry of invocation: a cry which is answered,
when it comes from the extreme, passionate soul. The strange, dark
comfort and power came back to him again, and he could go to sleep once
more, with his Lord.
When he woke in the morning, the fever had left him. Lennie was there at
dawn, to see if he wanted anything. The quick little Lennie, who always
came straight from the Lord, unless his emotions of pity got the better
of him. Then he lost his connections, and became maudlin.
Jack wanted the family not to know. But the twins saw his disfigured
face, with horror. And Monica knew: it was she who had sent Dr. Rackett
and Tom and Alec. And Grace knew. And soon Ma came, and said: "Dear o'
me, Jack Grant, what d'y'mean by going and getting messed up like this!"
And Dad came slow and heavy, and said nothing, but looked dark and
angry. They all knew.
But Jack wanted to be left alone. He told Tom and Dr. Rackett, and Tom
and Dr. Rackett ordered the family to leave him alone.
It was Grace who brought his meals. Poor old Grace, with her big eyes
and rather big nose, she had a gentle heart, and more real sense than
that Monica. Jack only got to know her while he was sick, and she really
touched his heart. She was so kind, and thought so little of herself,
and had such a sad wisdom at the bottom of her. Who would have thought
it, of the pert, cheeky, nosy Grace?
Monica slipped in, and stood staring down at him with her queer,
brooding eyes, that shone with widened pupils. Heaven knows what she was
thinking about.
"I was awfully afraid he'd kill you," she said. "I was so frightened,
that's what made me laugh."
"Why should I let him kill me?" said Jack.
"How could you help it! He's much stronger and crueller than you."
"He may be stronger, but I can match him in other ways."
She looked at him incredulously. She did not believe him. He could see
she did not believe in that other, inward power of his, upon which he
himself depended. She thought him in every way weaker, frailer than
Easu. Only, of course, nicer. This made Jack very angry.
"I think I punished him as much as he punished me," he said.
"_He's_ not laid up in bed," she replied.
Then, with her quivering, exquisite gentleness, she touched his bandaged
hand.
"I'm awfully sorry he hurt you so," she said. "I know you'll hate _me_
for it."
"Why should I?" he replied coldly.
She took up his bandaged hand and kissed it quickly, then she looked him
long and beseechingly in the eyes: or the one eye. Somehow she didn't
seem to see his caricature of a face.
"Don't hate me for it," she pleaded, still watching him with that
strange, pleading, watchful look.
The flame leapt in his bowels, and came into his eyes. And another flame
as she, catching the change in his eyes, softened her look and smiled
subtly, suddenly taking his wrist in a passionate, secret grasp. He felt
the hot blood suffusing him like new life.
"Good-bye!" she said, looking back at him as she disappeared.
And when she had gone, he remembered the watchfulness in her eyes, the
cat-like watchfulness at the back of all her winsome tenderness. There
it was, like the devil. And he turned his face to the wall, to his Lord,
and two smarting tears came under his eyes as if they were acid.
The next day Mary came bringing his pap. She was not going to be kept
away any longer. And she would come as a ministering angel.
He saw on her face that she was startled, shocked, and a little repelled
by his appearance. She hardly knew him. But she overcame her repulsion
at once, and became the more protective.
"Why, how awful it must be for you!" she said.
"Not so bad now," he said, manfully swallowing his pap.
He could see she longed for him to have his own good-looking face again.
She could not bear this strange horror. She refused to believe this was
he.
"I shall never forgive that cruel Easu!" she said, and the colour came
to her dark cheek. "I hope I never have to speak to him again."
"Oh, I began it. It was my fault."
"How could it be!" cried Mary. "That great hulking brute. How dare he
lay a finger on you!"
Jack couldn't smile, his face was of the fixed sort. But his one good
eye had a gleam. "He dare, you see," he answered. But she turned away in
smarting indignation.
"It makes one understand why such creatures had their hands cut off in
the old days," she said, with cold fierceness.
"How dare he disfigure your beautiful face! How dare he!" And tears of
anger came to her eyes.
A strangled grin caused considerable pain to Jack's beautiful face.
"I suppose he didn't rightly appreciate my sort of looks," he said.
"The jealous brute," said Mary. "But I hope he'll pay for it. I hope he
will. I do hope he hasn't really disfigured you," she ended on a note of
agitation.
"No, no! Besides that doesn't matter all the world."
"It matters all the world," she cried, with strange fierceness, "to me."