ALL ABOUT THE GILLIGOGGS AND THE DROFFS
The Droffs and the Gilligoggs had never understood each other. They were
a different people, really. For example, the Droffs were shaggy-looking
creatures with forms that resembled the Wooly Mammoth. They had short
squat legs like tree trunks; short squat little bodies with arms to
match, and heads that were too large for their bodies with eyes that
were buried beneath long straggly shaggy fur. Their voices had a deep
gruff sound not unlike a cave man might have sounded, and their words
came out in a torrent of grunts that did not vary in tone and that did
not exactly follow the rules of grammar. For example: "Who you?" "What
you name?" "How got you this place?" "Why you here for?" etc. Whereas
the Gilligoggs were quite elegant--even sophisticated--compared to the
Droffs. They were tall and slender, with long delicate fingers that they
waved expressively as they talked. They also had long hair but it was as
soft and sweet smelling as the Droffs' hair was coarse and pungent.
Their faces were feminine looking (even the males) with long curling
eyelashes, delicately chiseled features, full lips, etc. The only
perceptible difference between the males and females was that the males'
voices were a little deeper, and they were a little taller.
Anyway, as you can imagine, two peoples that were so different had very
little love for one another. Why this should be I do not know, except
that people with different appearances seem to distrust each other, even
when there has been no physical aggression between them. Neither group
would willingly mix with the other either socially or even live in the
other's neighborhood. Each race pretty much kept to itself.
I suppose that in a way, the Gilligoggs looked down on the Droffs. They
considered them somehow inferior to themselves. The Droffs were well
aware of this and were deeply resentful. Now if you or I were to try to
analyze the exact reason for this, we might fall short of our goal. We
could say that the Gilligoggs were far more intelligent because their
speech was more sophisticated. But if you took the trouble to get to
know a Droff, you would find that, in spite of their crude manner of
speech, they are, as a whole, equally as intelligent as the Gilligoggs,
except that they express their intelligence in a different way. Another
argument might be that the Droffs were not nearly so sweet smelling in
comparison. Now, this may be true in one way, but in actual fact, the
Droffs had just as high a standard of personal hygiene as the
Gilligoggs. It was just that the Gilligoggs' olfactory senses were
sensitive to the natural scent of the Droffs (just as the Droffs'
olfactory senses were equally sensitive to the natural scent of the
Gilligoggs). And while neither group found the other offensive in this
way, they could detect a difference, albeit on a subconscious level.
Another argument might be that the Droffs had lower social standards
than the Gilligoggs. This argument, too, has to fall by the wayside. For
reasons that we will not go into here, the Droffs had had difficulty in
keeping up with the Joneses, so to speak. Due to circumstances beyond
their control, they had not done quite as well on a socioeconomic scale.
So there you have it. And this was the situation that Elephant and his
pals were confronted with after their excursion with the Marshmallow
people. As they continued on their way to the home of the Saber-Toothed
Light-Bulbs, they hardly expected yet another interruption. But it
happened all the same. A particularly tall and attractive Gilligogg
woman who looked to be about sixteen approached them. She had dark hair
that glistened in the sunlight in a particularly gorgeous manner which
reminded Lisa of fine silk.
"Greetings," said Ozma to the young lady. Even though she was not
anxious to be interrupted again, she was always polite to her people.
She knew that, in order to be a good ruler for the land of Oz, she
should be aware of the individual needs of all of the Ozites.
"Good morrow," came the reply. The lady's voice was like music.
Beautiful music such as is usually reserved only for the Fairies, angels
or gods. So in awe of this lovely lady were our adventurers that only
Ozma found her voice which, though beautiful in its own youthful manner,
did not hold a candle to that of this Gilligogg lady.
"I am Ozma, the Queen of Oz," said the little girl. "My friends and I
are on our way to enlist the help of some people who live beyond your
territory. I hope you won't mind if we pass through your lovely
country."
"You are the Queen," said the lady. "I am only a princess. Far be it
from me to tell you what you can or can not do." She seemed
disinterested as she spoke. "My name is Dianna, and my father is the
ruler of the Gilligoggs." If this young lady felt any doubt that Ozma
was indeed a queen, she did not let on. Indeed, she seemed unconcerned
as to the identity of her queen. "But I shall tell you that the
Gilligoggs are the only people in this region. We are all that is here.
Well, unless you count the Droffs. But you could not be looking for the
Droffs. They are so far beneath your station."
"Oh, no," sighed Tweaty. "I think we are about to get stuck in the
middle of another time-consuming battle like the Stinkfoot and Sniffer
war! This will not be a good thing for any of the Lunechien Forest
denizens. Why, for all we know, that Forest Monster may already have
destroyed all of our friends and neighbors back home!"
"There is no war here," said Dianna matter-of-factly. "We Gilligoggs are
above such barbarous practices. Why, if I had to fight, I might break a
fingernail. But we do wish that the Droffs would go away. So long as
they are about, the property value on our homes must surely be going way
down."
[Illustration Ozma and a Droff]
"My my!" said Elephant. "Are these Droffs some sort of frightful
monsters, like the Kalidahs?"
"They are worse," said Dianna with a most elegant and sophisticated
shudder. "They look like... Well, actually they look a lot like you,
only they are all hairy and vulgar. You, at least, are not covered with
all that coarse fur. Still, I wonder if you might be related to them."
She took a nail file from her pocket and looked at her hands in an
uninterested manner.
"So then, they are elephants?" asked Nibbles.
"Shaggy elephants?" tweeted Tweaty.
"Wooly mammoths?" questioned Lisa and Hootsey together.
"Neither of those," replied the princess. "They are just Droffs."
"We did not come to seek the Droffs," said Ozma. "Nor did we come to see
the Gilligoggs. We were looking for the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs. Are
they not in this area?"
"They are," said Hootsey with certainty. "I know they are."
"Perhaps," said the young lady. "Perhaps they are among the Droffs. I do
not know of them. Nor do I especially care to. They might be
unpleasant."
"But how can you know whether or not they are pleasant if you refuse
even to see them?"
"Best to be safe," said Dianna. "Why invite trouble? We Gilligoggs have
always known that we are superior to all other living beings, so we
avoid contact with anyone else. If we start to invite trouble, we're
sure to get it in great doses."
"But that's awful!" put in Tweaty. "You don't even give them a chance?"
"Why should we? They are not Gilligoggs. Heavens! They have the most
outlandish-looking noses!" She eyed Elephant in a scrutinizing manner.
"I think I should like to meet these Droffs," harrumphed Elephant.
"Then by all means please leave as quickly as you can," said Dianna. "I
would not want my people to have to gaze upon anyone who would associate
with Droffs. They are messy things at best. I had offered you a great
honor in speaking to you, but you obviously do not appreciate it. Had
the dross not been with you, Miss Queen of Oz, I should not have even
acknowledged them. Good day to you..." So saying, the princess walked
away without looking back.
Our six adventurers hurried through the Gilligogg territory. Few of the
Gilligoggs even stopped to look at them as they passed through. Before
long, they came upon a creature who looked a good deal like Elephant,
and who was obviously a Droff.
"Hey," said the Droff. "Who you am?"
"I am Ozma, Queen of Oz," said the child.
"You much good to be here," replied the Droff. "Me are called Biff. Who
is them?"
Each of the five Lunechiens introduced himself.
"Me likes Elephant lots," said Biff. "Him look like Droff, but smooth.
Him might relative to me I. Maybe like Droff. Ozma Queen and others like
eat? Droffs no have much, but share. Me have oatmeal with much gravy.
For nice Queen, me even serve with sprinkles. Me likes Queen lots, and
Elephant. Have good seeds for birdies, too. Mouse want cheese? Me haves
Swiss. Usually only haves Swiss on Sunday. It is holey. But for friend
of good and nice Queen, me get some for nice little mouse."
"How kind," said Nibbles. "Thank you."
The Droff, though not as graceful as he might have been, served up a
repast that was happily received by his guests.
"The Droffs are obviously more hospitable than the Gilligoggs," said
Tweaty.
"Gilligoggs?" echoed Biff. "You am knowing Gilligoggs?"
"We just passed through their country on our way here," explained Lisa.
"Me wish me knew Gilligoggs," sighed Biff. "Them not let Droffs pass
through. Not come to visit Droffs, neither. To Gilligogg, Droff land
just place to dump stuff they no want."
"Stuff?" asked Ozma. "What stuff?"
"Old stuff, most," replied the Droff. "Rotted foods. Old packages.
Cigarette ends. You am knowing. Stuff."
"What slobs!" said Lisa with distaste. "And that princess had the nerve
to say that Droffs were messy!"
"But it explains why the Droffs have such low-quality land," sighed
Ozma. "It isn't that the Droffs are unsanitary. The very reason the
Gilligoggs look down on the Droffs is caused by the Gilligoggs
themselves!"
"They are high and sophisticated, I guess," added Hootsey. "But their
refusal to see what they are doing to the world around them has made
them into a life form that is most undesirable. They have made
themselves become exactly what they dislike in others."
"Me thinks that is not Gilligogg's fault," said Biff, defending his
neighbors. "Me has seen that all hatred do that lots. If you hate
something so bad that you try to be away from it a lot, you start to be
turning into it you self. Me not like hate. Me hate hate most
hatefulishly."
"Yes," agreed Lisa. "When knowledge is used for cruel purposes, there is
no knowledge any more. Both sides end up losers. I think the Gilligoggs
could learn a lot from the Droffs."
"Me thank you, owl bird," said Biff with a smile. "You am nice. Me likes
you."
"Me likes ... I mean, I like you, too," said Lisa. "Now tell me, do you
know of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs?"
"Light-Bulbs?" echoed Biff. "Not know. Not do. Maybe friend know of
that, though. Friend are much smart and also wise. Him have good and
useful glass head. Him and him's people living close nearby. Them have
seen much."
"Hmmm," said Ozma. "Have them got large, sharp teeth?"
"Oh, yes!" said Biff. "Much good for opening packages! Much nice,
friends are. You be liking Droffs' friends. Me can take pretty queen and
nice Elephant and friends to see Droffs' friend as shortly as you am
finishing eatings. Me can show to other Droffs, too."
"I would like that very much," said Ozma. "I think I will like the
Droffs just fine."
"And them would be liking you," said Biff with certainty.
As soon as the visitors finished eating, the kindly Droff led them to an
adjacent valley wherein they saw bright lights. These, as Hootsey
explained, were the Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs themselves. From a
distance, they looked pretty much like ordinary light bulbs. But as our
little party drew closer, they could see the individuality of each
Saber-Toothed Light Bulb. One of the larger Light Bulbs saw them
approaching and lit up. "Look, fellows!" he said. "It's Biff! And he has
brought some friends along!"
"Hi, Watts!" said Biff to the light bulb. "Me is so happy to seeing you!
Me haves the Queen of Oz here, too. Her wants to meet you. Her are much
good and nice. You are liking her?"
"Of course," replied Watts. "Any friend of Biff's is a friend of mine!"
He extended one of his long appendages to the small queen. She took it
in her hand. "It is a pleasure," said Watts to Ozma. "I had heard that
Oz had a new queen. I am glad to see that you are a kind-looking one."
"Thank you," said Ozma.
"So what can I do for you?" asked Watts, quickly realizing that there
had to be some sort of business that had brought the queen to see him.
"Well," began Ozma, not sure just how to begin her explanation, "the
Lunechien Forest of Oz has come upon a problem."
"Oh, no!" said Watts. "That's awful! What kind of a problem?"
"It seems that there is a terrible monster that is threatening our fine
forest," she began. "A very large spider-like creature."
"Sounds beastly!" shuddered the light bulb.
"And he can sap away the energy from any living creature and render him
an empty shell of himself," added Tweaty.
"My!" said Watts. "That does sound like a problem! Is there anything I
can do to help? If you need to move away from this monster, you are
welcome to join us. The Droffs and the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs are not
crowded in. We can make room."
"That is very kind of you," said the ruler. "But I was hoping that maybe
you could come and stand up to the Forest Monster. No one else can do
it. Even I would hesitate to approach them. But I know that you could do
it. How could any foe of any size stand against you?"
"You want us to fight this Forest Monster?" said Watts fearfully.
"Well," sighed Ozma. "I am not usually in favor of such cruelty. I would
be sorry to harm him. But I am left with little choice. Already he is
too strong to be reckoned with. I have been a queen for only a short
time. I do have fairy powers, but am not anxious to face the Forest
Monster myself. If you could at least back me up while I try to reason
with him..."
"Don't waste your time," said Tweaty. "You can't reason with that thing.
It will bite you in half before you get past the greeting."
"Say," interjected Hootsey. "Maybe that isn't so. We have already seen
Ozma do some amazing things. She can change the color of her hair, for
example. Maybe she could use some of her fairy magic to scare away the
spider! Why, if she can change her physical form, she could easily
become a Giant or a Kalidah!"
Ozma looked fearful. "I'm not sure I'd want to try that," she said. "I
might just make him all the more angry. He may already have more power
than we think he has. But you do have a point. I do have some powers
that I should try to make use of. Having only been a fairy for a short
time, I'm not altogether sure what powers I may have at my disposal.
Alas, I was the boy Tip for so long that I have not had much practice
being Ozma yet."
"You could practice some magic on me," said Tweaty, trying to be
helpful. "Maybe you can turn the Forest Monster into a pumpkin or
something. I don't mind if you practice on me, so long as you put me
back the way I'm supposed to be."
"That sounds like a good idea," agreed the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulb.
"But still, I'm happy to come along to back you up. That way, if I am
needed, I'll be there. If I am not needed after all, I will still have
had a nice bit of travel to write about in my journal."
"You are very kind," said the little Queen. "And I am sure that I must
practice using my powers a lot more than I already have. This will be a
good learning experience for me, and can only make me a better ruler for
the land of Oz." She put her hands to her temples and concentrated on
the canary.
"Am I changing?" asked the bird.
"You look the same to me," answered Lisa.
"I need my Silver Wand," said Ozma. "That often helps me while I'm
gaining prowess at a new spell." She had the magical tool with her, so
she took it from its case and made a number of intricate passes in the
air with it. Still, Tweaty failed to change.
"Maybe there are some words you're supposed to say while you're doing
your magic spell?" wondered Elephant.
"Yes," said Ozma as a Light-Bulb jumped over her head. "I think you're
right! Let me think.... I should know the word." She again put her hands
to her head and concentrated. "Haamhaamkablams-w," she said in a
chanting voice. "Haamhaamkablams-w."
Tweaty began to change in form and substance. Within moments, he had
taken on the shape of a housecat. He still had his yellow feathers,
however. "Awk!" he said. "Look what you did to me! This is the worst
possible form to place on a canary! Turn me back! Please turn me back!"
"I meant to make you a pumpkin," sighed Ozma. "But this is still new to
me. I will try again."
This time, Tweaty became an orange elephant. He was no larger than he
had been as a cat, but his shape was very clearly that of a pachyderm.
"How cute!" said Elephant. "You look like me, only smaller and oranger!"
"Yeah," said Tweaty. "I guess I do. But I'm not sure this is going to
work on the Forest Monster. If you were to change him into another
sentient animal, he'd just go back and do it all over again. You must
turn him into something inanimate. But please, this is very
uncomfortable. I'm used to being able to fly at will, and this form
seems so ... so ungainly. No offense, Elephant. I think you make a
terrific elephant. But I make a lousy one."
"But you do make a wonderful bird," agreed the pachyderm. "Yes, Ozma, do
put him back the way he was. As adorable as he is, he isn't exactly a
model specimen of my race."
"Of course," said Ozma, again raising her Silver Wand. She did her spell
once more. This time, nothing happened. "I am sorry," sighed Ozma. "I am
already feeling exhausted. I'm afraid I will have to wait a while before
I can do it again."
"You mean," said Tweaty, "I have to look like this until you are able to
rest up?"
"I'm afraid so," said Ozma sadly. "I'm sure that will change as I grow
more experienced. You have to remember, I am only beginning to get my
sea-legs as a fairy. Once I am more proficient, I'm sure I'll be able to
do things like this all day long without becoming exhausted. Just give
me time."
"And in the meantime I have to look like a little orange elephant,"
sighed Tweaty. "I'm sure glad my mother can't see me right now!"
"But Tweaty's not the main issue right this minute," said Watts. "Not
that I am unsympathetic with his feelings or anything like that, but I
do sense a certain degree of urgency at getting to your Forest Monster
quickly. I'm sure that all of the Saber-Toothed Light-Bulbs will be
happy to go and see what we can do. We are always anxious to help good
folks like yourselves. And even though it isn't something I'm terribly
proud of, I can be very ferocious when I have a mind to be." As if to
prove his statement, Watts opened his mouth as wide as he could,
revealing the sharpest-looking teeth Ozma had ever seen. Indeed, his
teeth resembled sabres, which may have been the reason for their title.
Elephant shuddered in his skin. "I'm sure that a few of you would aptly
frighten the Forest Monster out of our forest," he said tremblingly.
"Hopefully out of Oz altogether!"
"Splendid," replied Watts. "Come, follow me. I know a short-cut that
will allow us to avoid the Gilligoggs. Not that I am afraid of the
Gilligoggs or anything. I just find them unpleasant to have to deal
with. Come this way, and we will soon be on our way to the Lunechien
Forest of Oz!"