I became aware at this time, very gradually and even solemnly, that some
crisis of my life was approaching. How the monition came to me I hardly
know; I felt like a man wandering in the dark, with eyes strained and
hands outstretched, who is dimly aware of some great object, tree or
haystack or house, looming up ahead of him, which he cannot directly
see, but of which he is yet conscious by the vibration of some sixth
sense. The wonder came by degrees to overshadow my thoughts with a sense
of expectant awe, and to permeate all the urgent concerns of my life
with its shadowy presence. Even the thought of Cynthia, who indeed was
always in my mind, became obscured with the dimness of this obscure
anticipation.
One day Amroth stood beside me as I worked; he was very grave and
serious, but with a joyful kind of courage about him. I pushed my books
and papers away, and rose to greet him, saying half-unconsciously, and
just putting my thought into words:
"So it has come!"
"Yes," said Amroth, "it has come! I have known it for some little time,
and my thought has mingled with yours. I tell you frankly that I did
not quite expect it; but one never knows here. You must come with me at
once. You are to see the last mystery; and though I am glad for your
sake that it is come, yet I tremble for you, because it is unlike any
other experience; and one can never be the same again."
I felt myself oppressed by a sudden terror of darkness, but, half to
reassure myself, I answered lightly:
"But it does not seem to have affected you, Amroth! You are always
light-hearted and cheerful, and not overshadowed by any dark or gloomy
thoughts."
"Yes, yes," said Amroth hurriedly. "It is easy enough, when it is once
over. Nothing that is behind one matters; but this is a thing that one
cannot jest about. Of course there is nothing to fear; but to be brought
face to face with the greatest thing in the world is not a light matter.
Let me say this. I am to be with you all through; and my only word to
you is that you must do exactly what I tell you, and at once, without
any doubting or flinching. Then all will be well! But we must not delay.
Come at once, and keep your mind perfectly quiet."
We went out together; and there seemed to have fallen a sense of gravity
over all whom we met. My companions did not speak to me as we walked
out, but stood aside to see me pass, and even looked at me, I thought,
with an air half of reverence, half of a sort of natural compassion, as
one might watch a dear friend go to be tried for his life.
We came out of the door, and found, it seemed to me, an unusual
stillness everywhere. The wind, which often blew high on the bare moor,
had dropped. We took a path, which I had never seen, which struck off
over the hills. We walked for a long time, almost in silence. But I
could not bear the strange curiosity which was straining at my heart,
and I said presently to Amroth:
"Give me some idea what I am to see or to endure. Is it some judgment
which I am to face, or am I to suffer pain? I would rather know the best
and the worst of it."
"It is everything," said Amroth; "you are to see God. All is comprised
in that."
His words fell with a shocking distinctness in the calm air, and I felt
my heart and limbs fail me, and a dizziness came over my mind. Hardly
knowing what I did or said, I came to a stop.
"But I did not know that it was possible," I said. "I thought that God
was everywhere--within us, about us, beyond us? How can that be?"
"Yes," said Amroth, "God is indeed everywhere, and no place contains
Him; neither can any of us see or comprehend Him. I cannot explain
it; but there is a centre, so to speak, near to which the unclean
and the evil cannot come, where the fire of His thought burns the
hottest.... Oh," he said, "neither word nor thought is of any use here;
you will see what you will see!"
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to bear in all my wanderings was the
sight of Amroth's own fear. It was unmistakable. His spirit seemed
prepared for it, perfectly courageous and sincere as it was; but there
was a shuddering awe upon him, for all that, which infected me with an
extremity of terror. Was it that he thought me unequal to the
experience? I could not tell. But we walked as men dragging themselves
into some fiery and dreadful martyrdom.
Again I could not bear it, and I cried out suddenly:
"But, Amroth, He is Love; and we can enter without fear into the
presence of Love!"
"Have you not yet guessed," said Amroth sternly, "how terrible Love can
be? It is the most terrible thing in the world, because it is the
strongest. If Death is dreadful, what must that be which is stronger
than Death? Come, let us be silent, for we are near the place, and this
is no time for words;" and then he added with a look of the deepest
compassion and tenderness, "I wish I could speak differently, brother,
at this hour; but I am myself afraid."
And at that we gave up all speech, and only our thoughts sprang together
and intertwined, like two children that clasp each other close in a
burning house, when the smoke comes volleying from the door.
We were coming now to what looked like a ridge of rocks ahead of us; and
I saw here a wonderful thing, a great light of incredible pureness and
whiteness, which struck upwards from the farther side. This began to
light up our own pale faces, and to throw our backs into a dark shadow,
even though the radiance of the heavenly day was all about us. And at
last we came to the place.
It was the edge of a precipice so vast, so stupendous, that no word can
even dimly describe its depth; it was all illuminated with incredible
clearness by the light which struck upwards from below. It was
absolutely sheer, great pale cliffs of white stone running downwards
into the depth. To left and right the precipice ran, with an irregular
outline, so that one could see the cliff-fronts gleam how many millions
of leagues below! There seemed no end to it. But at a certain point far
down in the abyss the light seemed stronger and purer. I was at first so
amazed by the sight that I gazed in silence. Then a dreadful dizziness
came over me, and I felt Amroth's hand put round me to sustain me. Then
in a faint whisper, that was almost inaudible, Amroth, pointing with his
finger downwards, said:
"Watch that place where the light seems clearest."
I did so. Suddenly there came, as from the face of the cliff, a thing
like a cloudy jet of golden steam. It passed out into the clear air,
shaping itself in strange and intricate curves; then it grew darker in
colour, hung for an instant like a cloud of smoke, and then faded into
the sky.
"What is that?" I said, surprised out of my terror.
"I may tell you that," said Amroth, "that you may know what you see.
There is no time here; and you have seen a universe made, and live its
life, and die. You have seen the worlds created. That cloud of whirling
suns, each with its planets, has taken shape before your eyes; life has
arisen there, has developed; men like ourselves have lived, have
wrestled with evil, have formed states, have died and vanished. That is
all but a single thought of God."
Another came, and then another of the golden jets, each fading into
darkness and dispersing.
"And now," said Amroth, "the moment has come. You are to make the last
sacrifice of the soul. Do not shrink back, fear nothing. Leap into the
abyss!"
The thought fell upon me with an infinity and an incredulity of horror
that I cannot express in words. I covered my eyes with my hands.
"Oh, I cannot, I cannot," I said; "anything but this! God be merciful;
let me go rather to some infinite place of torment where at least I may
feel myself alive. Do not ask this of me!"
Amroth made no answer, and I saw that he was regarding me fixedly,
himself pale to the lips; but with a touch of anger and even of
contempt, mixed with a world of compassion and love. There was something
in this look which seemed to entreat me mutely for my own sake and his
own to act. I do not know what the impulse was that came to
me--self-contempt, trust, curiosity, the yearning of love. I closed my
eyes, I took a faltering step, and stumbled, huddling and aghast, over
the edge. The air flew up past me with a sort of shriek; I opened my
eyes once, and saw the white cliffs speeding past. Then an
unconsciousness came over me and I knew no more.