Ther's some born fooils, an' ther's some mak thersen fooils, an'.
ther's some get made fooils on. When we hear fowk tell tales abaat
sein' boggards, an gettin' ther planets ruled, we think it saands
fooilish. Nah an' then one turns up rayther simple, an' a body con
hardly help laffin'. It's net long sin' aw heeard tell of a owd woman
goin' to th' Pooast Office i' Bolton, an' axin to see th' maister, an,
when he coom shoo said shoo wanted to know hah monny stamps it 'ud
tak' to send a mangle to Yeaworth. He couldn't tell her, an' shoo went
away thinkin' what a fooil he wor net to know his business better nor
that, an' he thowt what a fooil shoo wor for ax in sich a question.
An' soa it is;--we're apt to think iverybody fooils but ussen, an'
them 'at belangs to us. Yo doant oft find a mother or fayther 'at
thinks ther lad's a fooil (unless he gets wed, an then they allus say
soa.) Iverybody's'child is th' grandest an' th' cliverest i'th world.
But aw couldn't help laffin' one day when I heeard a chap braggin'
abaat his lad. "Aa," he said, "he's cliverest lad of his age aw iver
met; he's nobbut thirteen year owd an' he con do owt." Just as he wor
sayin' soa th' lad coom into th' raam, aitin' a raw turnip, an' his
fayther thowt he'd show him off a bit, soa he said, "Jack a want thee
to go an' messur th' length o' that piece o' timber 'at's i'th yard,
an come tell me." Soa he gave him his two-fooit rule, an' th' lad
went. Aw thowt he wor a long time abaat it, but in a bit he coom
back. "Well Jack," said his fayther, "ha long is it? spaik up, that's
a fine lad." "Why," he says, "it's th' length o' yo'r rule, an' my
pocket comb, an' this piece o' band." "That's reight," said his
fayther, "tha con goa hoam," put aw nooaticed 'at be did'nt brag abaat
him quite so mitch at after.
If a chap doesn't want to be thowt a fooil he should niver start o'
showin' off befoor fowk till he knows what he's abaat, an' ther's noan
on us knows iverything. Aw remember once go in' to th' sale ov a
horse, an' th' auctioneer knew varry little abaat cattle, an' he began
praisin' it up as he thowt. "Gentlemen," he said, "will you be kind
enough to look at this splendid animal! examine him, gentlemen; look
at his head; why, gentlemen, it's as big as a churn! an' talk about
points--why, it's all points; you can hang yo'r hat on any part of
him!" He'd just getten soa far, when th' chap 'at belang'd th' horse
could bide it noa longer, soa be laup'd up an' pooled th' auctioneer
daan bith' hair o'th' heead. "Tha may be an auctioneer," he said,
"but tha'rt noa ostler." But it isn't long sin' aw wor at a sale o'
picturs, i'th' Teetotal Hall at Halifax, an' th' chap 'at wor sellin'
put up one lot an' made this speech:--"Ladies and Gentlemen,--The
next lot I have the pleasure to offer you are three picturs of 'Joan
of Arch' a French lady of distinction, who fought at the Battle of
Waterloo against the Duke of Wellington, and was afterwards burnt at
the siege of Moscow. How much shall I say for this lot?" Aw walk'd
aat when awd heeard that, for aw thowt he might happen be a ostler,
but blow me if he wor fit for an auctioneer. But we con forgi' a chap
lukkin fooilish sometimes, if he doesn't mak' other fowk luk soa; but
when that chap at Saathawarm put bills up to call a meeting o'th'
committee to consider what color to whitewash th' schooil, they all
felt fooilish. A young chap 'at's just popp'd th' question to a young
woman feels rayther fooilish if shoo says "Noa." An' if shoo says
"Yes," he may live to think he wor fooilish. A chap feels fooilish
when he's been runnin aboon a mile to catch th' train, an' just gets
thear i' time to see it move off an' leave him. A chap feels fooilish
when he goas to th' chapel when ther's a collection, an' finds he's
left th' hawpenny at hooam he thowt o' givin', an's nowt noa less nor
hauf a craan. A chap feels fooilish if he's been rakein' aat all th'
neet, an' when he gets hooam his wife finds a woman's neet-cap hung to
his coit button. A chap luks fooilish when he's tellin' a tale an'
forgets hah it finishes. A woman luks fooilish when shoo's lost her
hair pins, an' her false bob's hingin' daan her back. An' ther are
times when we're all fooilish, an' awm feeard if aw doant stop yo may
begin to think me fooilish, soa aw'll drop it.