Squibs an' crackers! Starleets an' catterin wheels! Bunfires an'
traikle parkin! This is th' time for a bit ov a jollification. Guy
Fawkes did a gooid turn, after all, when he tried to blow th'
Parliament haase up; for we should ha' had one spree less i' the' year
but for him. Ax twenty fowk this question o' th' fourth o' November,
"Are yo gooin to buy ony fireworks this year?" an aw dar be bun to say
yo willn't find one i'th' lot but what'll say "Aw've summat else to do
wi' my brass nor to waste it o' sich like fooilery as that." An'
still, aw'll wager at nineteen on 'em buy some after all. Ther's a
deal o' difference i'th way they spend it. I' th' country they all sit
raand th' fire wi' their parkin an' milk' or else rooasted puttaties,
an' they tell tales, an' they laf an' talk till they've varry near
burned ther shoo toas off, an' getten soa starved o' ther back 'at
they willn't be shut ov a cold for a month; but i'th' taan there's
allus th' mooast to do i'th' public haases. Aw think aw shall niver
forget a marlock we had th' last plot. It wor in a public haase
somewhere between "Spice Cake-loin" an' Whiskum Dandy; ther wor a raam
full o' fowk, an' aw nooatised 'at iverybody's pockets wor swelled
aat, an' thinks aw, aw shouldn't be capp'd if ther wor a dust here in
a while. They just wanted somdy to start. In a bit one on 'em gate up
to goa aat, an' th' landlord (he'd a cork leg) drop'd a cracker into
his pocket. He hadn't gooan far when bang it went; he turns back an'
leets abaat two dozzen an' sends 'em in to th' middle o'th' raam.
"Nah, lads! for God's sake show a bit o' sense," says th' landlord,
"dooant begin sich like wark as that i' this raam, nah dooant." He
mud as weel ha' just whistled jigs to a mile-stoop; aat coom
iverybody's stock, an' i' less nor hauf a minit ther wor sich a
hullabaloo i' that shop as aw niver heeared afoor. To mak matters
war, somdy had shut th' door an' fesened it, an' th' place wor full o'
rick, an iverybody ommost chooak'd. Aw gate under th' seat, an' in a
bit somdy smashes th' window an' bawls aat "fire! fire!" I' two or
three minits ther coom a stream o' watter into th' raam as thick as my
shackle, an' smash went th' chandilleer. Th' landlord wor mad
ommost--lukkin glasses an' picters went one after tother, an' aw faand
aat 'as aw couldn't swim, aw should ha' to shift, or else aw should be
draaned. Some kind soul managed to braik th' door daan an' we gate aat,
but aw could hear th' landlord yelling aat 'at sombdy had stown his cork
leg. Ha' they went on aw dooant know, for aw steered straight hooam.
At abaat six o'clock th' next morning, as aw went to my wark, aw saw a
cork leg with a varry good booit on it, hangin' to a gas lamp, an aw
wonder'd whose it wor.