“Mrs. Little called this afternoon,” my mother said, “and she told me
you had asked Mamie Little to go to the new school reception with you.
That's very nice.”
I didn't say anything. It was Lucy, and I was mighty mad at her for
telling Mamie Little I was going to take her; but I was kind of glad,
too. I thought, “Well, anyway, Swatty and Bony are going to take girls.”
The reception was the next night, so when Swatty and Bony came over the
next afternoon I told them I was going to take Mamie Little, and Swatty
said that was right, everybody was going to take a girl.
So I asked him who he was going to take, because he had never let on he
had a girl.
“Garsh!” he said, “I ain't going to take any girl!”
That made me sick. Me and Bony had stood right up like men and had asked
girls, and Swatty had promised he would take one, and now he was backing
out. So I said:
“Aw! You said you would take one!”
“Well, don't I know it?” Swatty said. “Of course I said I would, but I
forgot.”
“What did you forget?” I asked.
“I forgot I was married,” Swatty said.
We were all sitting under our apple tree, out in the yard, and it was a
good thing we were not sitting on a roof, because I would have fell off
and killed myself, I was so surprised.
“Aw! When was you married?” I said.
“That time I went to Derlingport to visit my uncle,” Swatty said.
“Aw! Who did you marry?”
“A girl,” he said.
“Well, if you married a girl why didn't you ever tell us about it
before?”
“Garsh! I can't remember everything that happened when I was in
Derlingport, can I? Mebbe I forgot I was married.”
“Aw, pshaw!” I said. “What did you want to go and get married for,
Swatty?”
“Well, I couldn't help it, could I?” he asked.
“You don't think I'd go and get married if I could help it, do you?
My--my uncle made me.”
“Why did he make you?” asked Bony.
“Because my aunt had a felon on her finger. She had a felon on her
finger and it almost killed her to dam stockings, so my uncle said if I
wore any more holes in my stockings I'd have to get a wife of my own to
dam them.”
So then we asked Swatty what his wife was like, and he told us a lot
about her. She was an Indian princess, and when you first looked at her
she looked all right, but pretty soon you saw she had a tomahawk in her
belt and the edge of it was all dried over with blood, because she had
had eight other husbands before Swatty, and she had got mad at all
of them and had killed them and scalped them. She had an album on her
parlor table, but instead of photographs in it she had the scalps of her
husbands.
Swatty said there was just room in the scalp album for one more scalp,
and that every once in a while when he was at her house having his
stockings darned she would look at his head and kind of sigh.
Well, we talked it over, and Swatty made us promise never to tell any
one he had been married, because if his mother knew it she would take
him out in the stable and wale him with a strap. He said that was why
he didn't dare take any girl to the new school reception, because if
his wife heard of it she would be jealous and she would come down and
tomahawk him and maybe kill him. And if she didn't kill him his mother
would notice his scalp was gone, the next time she washed his head, and
would wale him anyway.
Well, my mother helped me dress for the reception, and then she gave me
twenty cents to spend. I had five cents of my own she didn't know about.
So that was all right.
It was dark already. I went along, kind of dragging my hand along the
pickets of the fences and wishing I was dead or something, and it got
darker and darker. The new house Mamie Little lived in was away out over
Grimes's Hill, and when I got to the door Mr. Little and Mrs. Little and
Mamie were just getting ready to come out, and Mr. Little said: “Well!
Here is our cavalier!”
Mamie and me walked in front, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it
would be, but I kept feeling sort of chilly when I thought of going into
the reception with Mamie. But before we got to the schoolhouse Mamie
said to me:
“Say, Georgie! Don't you want a ticket for the circus?”
I said aw, I didn't want to take her ticket away from her; but she said
she had one too, because her father was editor of the paper and he got
them complimentary.
As soon as we got to the reception Mrs. Little said: “Now, you children
run along and enjoy yourselves.”
Mamie said, right away: “Shall we get some ice cream first?”
I said that would be all right, because mebbe people wouldn't notice I
was with Mamie Little and think I brought her. So we sat down at a table
and a girl took our order and brought us strawberry and vanilla--big
dishes--and passed us the cake and we took two pieces of cake apiece.
That was all right; but when we were eating Swatty and Bony came past
and said: “Ho, Georgie! He brought a girl!”
That was all right for Bony! He had sneaked out of bringing a girl, and
that was mighty mean, after he had gone and got me to bring one. I said
I'd fix him when I got him, and he was scared, too! So then we ate our
ice cream slow, to make it last longer, and I forgot how mean I felt
because I had brought a girl, when whoever was opposite us got through
and asked how much he owed.
“Let me see!” the girl said. “Two ice creams at ten cents is twenty
cents, and two pieces of cake. That makes thirty cents.”
Well, I almost rammed my spoon down my throat! I had never thought about
the cake being extra, and we had had four pieces, and that made twenty
cents, and the ice cream was twenty cents so it made forty cents all
together, and twenty-five cents was all the money I had! I was so scared
my throat sort of closed up on me. I guess my face got as red as fire,
and I leaned forward and took a big bite of cake, so Mamie Little would
n't see how red my face was, and then I choked on the cake! I guess I
never was so choked in my life. And I put a paper napkin up to my face
and went out into the hall.
I guess Mamie Little sat there at the table; I don't know. As soon as I
was out in the hall I knew what I was going to do. I squeezed in among
the people and got to the door and skipped.
As soon as I got home my father asked me did I take Mamie Little home;
so I didn't say anything. I went right upstairs to bed. After while my
father came up and asked me again if I had gone home with Mamie Little,
so I said I hadn't; I said I didn't want to. I said her folks could take
her home if they wanted to. So Father said he had a mind to lick me; but
he didn't. So I guess Mamie Little got home all right. It wouldn't have
helped her home if my father had licked me, but that's the way fathers
are.
The next morning, about four o'clock, me and Swatty and Bony went down
to see the circus unload. We saw it. And then we went up to the circus
grounds and saw the tent go up and everything. So Bony said:
“Aw! Don't you wish you was going to the circus?”
So I said he needn't be so smart, that I was going, because I had a
ticket. So then I remembered that I had the twenty cents my mother had
given me to buy the ice cream with, only I hadn't spent it because I
came away so quick. So I told Swatty he could have the ticket, because
I had twenty-five cents to get into the circus with. So Swatty was glad.
He said he'd be my Dutch uncle as long as I lived, and that the first
dollar he saw rolling uphill he'd pay me back, if he could catch it.
Well, we walked downtown with the parade and saw it, and walked back to
the circus grounds with it. Me and Swatty and Bony was the first to go
into the tent. We were right up against the rope when the ticket taker
let it down. So we hurried right through, because a lot of folks was
pushing behind us. The ticket taker yelled something at us, but I didn't
hear what it was and we scooted for the menagerie tent.
When we were looking at the ostriches in their cage Swatty got close
beside me and said: “Lookee here!”
I looked down, and he had his ticket in his hand yet, because that was
why the ticket taker had yelled at us. Swatty had sneaked in without
giving his ticket.
“What did you do that for?” I said.
“Because I'm hungry,” he said.
“You can't eat your ticket,” I said.
“You wait and you'll see,” he said, so then we went into the big tent
and we climbed up to the top row. When we poked our heads out we could
see right down where the ticket taker was taking tickets and all the
people were crowding to get in. Right down below us on the ground a bum,
or tent man, was asleep on his face with his arm under his head. His
coat was beside him. He was breathing hard.
So then Swatty leaned out as far as he could and waved the ticket he
had, and called out who wanted to buy a ticket for a quarter. That was
just like Swatty anyhow. He was pretty slick. So pretty soon a man
said he'd buy the ticket, and he tossed a quarter up to Swatty. With a
quarter we could get enough peanuts to keep alive until supper time.
Me and Swatty and Bony was just going to draw our heads in when we saw
Jimmy and Annie. I was going to yell at them when I saw something that
made me forget to yell. Swatty saw it, too.
There was a man standing by the ropes that made the narrow place people
had to go through, but he was outside of the ropes on our side, and just
when Jimmy came opposite him and got a step past him his hand went out
like a flash and something dropped on the ground and the bum slid out
his hand and grabbed what had dropped, and slid it under the coat
and went on pretending he was asleep. The man by the ropes had picked
Jimmy's wallet out of his pocket.
Well, I didn't know it, but Jimmy had all the money he was going to buy
a farm with in that wallet. It was circus day, and he didn't dare leave
it at home, because of thieves; so he brought it with him.
I didn't think of anything to do, and neither did Bony, but Swatty did.
He looked down, and then slid one leg and then the other over the wall
of the tent and hung there a second and looked down. He hand-over-handed
a reach or two and then gave himself a sort of push and let go. He came
down right on the bum's head, straddle of his neck, and yelled: “Police!
Police!” Only he yelled it “Porlice! Porlice!” like he always says it. I
guess the bum was surprised, but he reached up and grabbed Swatty.
It wasn't a fair fight, Swatty against a man, but it was a good one
while it lasted. Everybody on the top seats stuck their heads out and
yelled, and everybody down where Swatty was came running. One of the
town cops was first--the cross-eyed one--and he leveled a lick at the
bum with his club and caught Swatty across his breeches, and Swatty
yelled and let go of the bum. He could fight one bum but he couldn't
fight a cross-eyed policeman with a club, too.
The minute the bum got loose he dived under the tent. We saw him scutter
along under the seats, and then we saw him come out away down the side
of the tent and scoot. The cross-eyed cop started after him, but he
never got him.
Swatty didn't run. He just stood on the bum's coat, with his feet spread
out, and in a minute Jimmy and a lot of folks were crowded around him.
Then he lifted up the coat. We could see it all. Under the coat was
Jimmy's wallet and about six more. Jimmy just dropped on his wallet and
hugged it. He sort of blubbered and didn't know what to do, so he kissed
Swatty, and Swatty hit out at him and hit him in the chest.
By that time a circus man in uniform had come up. He had a big hickory
club, peeled, and he pushed into the crowd. Behind him were four or five
more circus men, but they had tent stakes.
“What's this row?” he asked.
Somebody started to tell him. The man that took the wallet from Jimmy
was right there, and he turned away. So I shouted out:
“Hey, mister! there's the man that took it.”
The circus man looked around and the thief started to hurry. He didn't
have a chance to hurry much. The circus man made one jump for him and
caught him by the collar and gave one jerk, and the thief's coat and
vest came off and his shirt ripped right off him. The other circus men
were on him. If it had been me it would have killed me, but I guess he
was tough.
When I turned around Mr. Little was standing right back of me. He had
come up to see what it all was, so he could put it in his paper. When he
saw it was me that had yelled, he said:
“Why, hello, it's our gallant cavalier! These hard seats are no place
for a lady's man; come on over in the reserved seats.”
“I can't,” I said, “I've got to wait for Swatty.” He didn't know who
Swatty was, so I told him. So when Swatty came in we went over into the
reserved seats, right in front of the middle ring. So Mr. Little asked
Swatty all about it, and Swatty told him, and Mr. Little wrote it down
and went downtown to his paper with it. He told Mrs. Little to take good
care of the three heroes. He meant me and Swatty and Bony.
So Jimmy and Annie got married. All Mamie Little ever said about my
going home was:
“I guess you think you were pretty smart, going home and letting Papa
take me home and pay for the ice cream!”
But that didn't hurt me any. Girls are always saying things like that.