____________________
I.
THE CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN.
In overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found the follerin
jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann, which happened
to the subscriber when I was a young man (in the Brite Lexington of
yooth, when thar aint no sich word as fale) on the Wabash Canawl:
Monday, 2 P.M.--Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable frisky at fust.
Had to bild fires under 'em before they'd start. Started at larst very
suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vilently and knockin me orf from
my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw
deliteful country. Honest farmers was to work sowin korn, and other
projuce in the fields. Surblime scenery. Large red-heded gal reclinin
on the banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet.
Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving.
Toosdy.--Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a grown person's
dose of licker with a member of the Injianny legislater, which he
urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tearin threu the briny
waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour, when the boy on the leadin hoss
shoutid--
"Sale hoe!"
"Whar away?" hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a empty black
bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing it to his Eagle eye.
"Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy.
"Jes so," screeched the capting. "What wessel's that air?"
"Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you!"
"I, I, Sir!" hollered our capting. "Reef your arft hoss, splice your
main jib-boom, and hail your chamber-maid! What's up in Terry Hawt?"
"You know Bill Spikes?" said the capting of the Warier.
"Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man of his heft on
the Wabash. He's a ornament to his sex!"
"Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. "Wilyim got a
little owly the tother day, and got to prancin around town on that old
white mare of his'n, and bein in a playful mood, he rid up in front of
the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive
his rifle at him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all; it only jes
whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him; but what d'ye
spose the old despot did? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten dollars for
contempt of Court! What do you think of that?" axed the capting of the
Warier, as he parst a long black bottle over to our capting.
"The country is indeed in danger!" said our capting, raisin the bottle
to his lips. The wessels parted. No other incidents that day. Retired
to my chased couch at 5 minits parst 10.
Wensdy.--Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on, and ship rollin
wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin been fastened to the forrerd
hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared the capting to the man at the rudder,
as the Polly giv a friteful toss. I was sick, an sorry I'd cum. "Heave
two!" repeated the capting. I went below. "Heave two!" I hearn him
holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, I hev.
The hosses became docile eventually, and I felt better. The sun bust
out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and lovely Natur put
in her best licks. We parst the beautiful village of Limy, which lookt
sweet indeed, with its neat white cottages, Institoots of learnin
and other evijences of civillizashun, incloodin a party of bald heded
cullered men was playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle
tavern. All, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to
breakfast, but vittles had lost their charms. "Take sum of this,"
said the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. "It's whisky. A few
quarts allers sets me right when my stummick gits out of order. It's a
excellent tonic!" I declined the seductive flooid.
Thursdy.--Didn't rest well last night on account of a uprore made by the
capting, who stopt the Bote to go ashore and smash in the windows of a
grosery. He was brought back in about a hour, with his hed dun up in a
red handkercher, his eyes bein swelled up orful, and his nose very
much out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by his crue, and
deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in their
births pushing the red curtains aside & lookin out to see what the
matter was. "Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with you in this
onseemly stile, my misgided frend?" said a sollum lookin man in a
red flannel nite-cap. "Why do you sink yourself to the Beasts of the
field?"
"Wall, the fack is," said the capting, risin hisself on the shutter,
"I've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for some time. But I
made it lively for the boys, deacon! Bet yer life!" He larfed a short,
wild larf, and called for his jug. Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently
upon the passengers, sed, "Bless you! Bless you!" and fell into a sweet
sleep.
Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the days of Old Long
Sign, be4 the iron hoss was foaled. This was be4 steembotes was goin
round bustin their bilers & sendin peple higher nor a kite. Them was
happy days, when people was intelligent & wax figgers & livin wild
beests wasn't scoffed at.
"O dase of me boyhood I'm dreamin on ye now!"
(Poeckry.)
A.W.
____________________
II.
BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED.
I NEVER attempted to re-Orgunize my wife but onct. I shall sever
attempt agin.
I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed inter
drinkin several peple's healths; and wishin to maik 'em as Ro-Bust
as posserble, I continner'd drinkin thur healths until mi Own becum
afflicktid. Consekens was, I presunted myself at Betty's bedside late
at nite, with considerbul licker koncealed about my persun.
I hed somehow got perseschun of a hosswhip on my way hum, and rememberin
some kranky observashuns of Mrs Ward's in the mornin, I snapt the
whip putty lively, and in a very loud voyce I said, "Betsy, you need
re-Orgunizin! I have cum, Betsy," I continnered, crackin the whip over
the bed--" I have cum to re-Orgunize yer! Ha-awe you per-aged to-night?
* * * * * * * *
I dreamed that nice that sumbody had layd a hosswhip over me sevril
conseckootive times, and when I woke up I found she had.
I haint drunk mich of anythin sence, and ef I ever have anuther
re-Orgunizin job on hand I shall let it out.
____________________
ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
New York, near Fifth Avenoo Hotel, Org. 31ct.
EDITER OF PLAY BILL.
Dr Sir,--Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum leadin incidents in
my life so you can write my Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to hand.
I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammattycally jerked and
properly punktooated, would be a addition to the chois literatoor of the
day.
To the youth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how high a
pinnykle of fame a man can reach who commenst his career with a small
canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while scrachin
hisself agin the center pole, causin in Rahway, N.Y., a discriminatin
mob to say humbugs would not go down in their village. The ox resoom'd
agricultooral pursoots shortly afterwards.
I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearin as the poor
blind man myself. But the infamus cuss who I hired to lead me round
towns in the day time to excite simpathy drank freely of spiritoous
licker unbeknowns to me one day, & while under their inflooance he led
me into the canal. I had to either tear the green bandige from my eyes
or be drownded. I tho't I'd restore my eyesight.
In writin about these things, Mr. Editer, kinder smooth em over. Speak
of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us.
My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to do too
much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and among others one of
Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock. would be poplar with
eddycated peple, but unfortinitly I put a Brown linen duster and a U.S.
Army regulation cap on him, which peple with classycal eddycations said
it was a farce. This enterprise was onfortnit in other respecks. At a
certin town I advertised a wax figger of the Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who
was a Railroad President, and a great person in them parts. But it
appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named Gibbs in that
town the previs season, which created a intense toomult, & the audience
remarked "shame onto me," & other statements of the same similarness.
I tried to mollify em. I told 'em that any family possessin children
might have my she tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em
a cent, but alars! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer
from a article in the "Advertiser" of that town, in which the Editer
says, "Atho' time has silvered this man's hed with its frosts, he still
brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his wax
works unrelible. We are glad that he has concluded never to revisit
our town, altho', incredible as it may appear, the fellow really
did contemplate so doing last summer, when, still true to the craven
instincts of his black heart, he wrote the hireling knaves of the
obscure journal across the street to know what they would charge for 400
small bills, to be done on yellow paper! We shall recur to this matter
again!"
I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss still exists agin me
in that town.
I will not speak of my once bein in straitend circumstances in a sertin
town, and of my endeaverin to accoomulate welth by lettin myself to
Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted to the understandins
of little children, accompanyin myself on a claironett--which I forgot
where I was one day, singing, instid of "Oh, how pleasant to be a little
child,"
"Rip slap--set em up again, Right in the middle of a three-cent pie,"
which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the
claironett except makin it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, and
children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, where was their
home and where was their Pa? and I said, Be quiet, dear children, I am
your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by her side say very
angryly, "Good heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these
innocent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire igminyusly
upon to a murderer's gallus!"
I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into Oblivyun.
In your article, Mr. Editer, please tell him what sort of a man I am.
If you see fit to kriticise my Show speak your mind freely. I do not
object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and graceful article,
that my Show abounds in moral and startlin cooriosities, any one of whom
is wuth dubble the price of admission.
I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter.
I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I attracted
a great deal of attention. The nabers would stand over my cradle for
hours and say, "How bright that little face looks! How much it nose!"
The young ladies would carry me round in their arms, sayin I was
muzzer's bezzy darlin and a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. It was nice, tho'
I wasn't old enuf to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin
now.
I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never a Railroad
director in my life.
Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth in my
small bills, I have been gradoolly growin respectabler and respectabler
ev'ry year. I luv my children, and never mistake another man's wife
for my own. I'm not a member of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in
meetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of laudnum and lay
down in the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars
in my vest pockets.
My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the world.
I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may add that I am
also bald-heded. I keep two cows.
I live in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old Steve
Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that will make
you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said, "You
must go home now, Brothern Billins, and erect a family altar in your
own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass went home and built a reg'lar
pulpit in his sittin room. He had the jiners in his house over four
days.
I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe, is ever
busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers them in! I keep a pig
this year.
I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter.
If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry, please have
me ingraved in a languishin attitood, learnin on a marble pillar, leavin
my back hair as it is now.--Trooly yours.
Artemus Ward.
____________________
THE SERENADE.
Things in our town is workin. The canal boat "Lucy Ann" called in here
the other day and reported all quiet on the Wabash. The "Lucy Ann"
has adopted a new style of Binnakle light, in the shape of a red-headed
girl, who sits up over the compass. It works well.
The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Philadelphy.
Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I suggested to him
that if he could induce the citizens of Philadelphy to believe it would
be a good idea to have white winder-shutters on their houses and white
door-stones, he might make a fortin. "It's a novelty," I added, "and
may startle 'em at fust, but they may conclood to adopt it.
As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with
serenades, I concluded I'd be surprised in the same way, so I made
arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they'd take
to take me entirely by surprise with a serenade. They said they'd
overwhelm me with a unexpected honor for seven dollars, which I
excepted.
I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand bein very
careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin particuler attention
to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly
effort; but, alars! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I
paced up and down the kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely
perfeck. My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by
singin, "Why do summer roses fade?"
"Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times,
"because it's their biz! Let 'em fade!"
"Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting my
eagle eye wander from the manuscrip--"Betsy, on the night of this here
serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in white, and
wave a lily-white handkercher. D'ye hear?"
"If I appear," said that remarkable female, "I shall wave a lily-white
bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be scalded. One
bald-headed old fool will get his share."
She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for fear
she might exasperate me I said nothin.
The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of
footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which when
they did finish it, there was cries of "Ward! Ward!" I stept out onto
the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut
mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number
of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin
bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr. Schwazey, who was holdin up a
post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk--so much so that it had got into his
spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for
it, and I commenced:--
"Feller Citizens,--For this onexpected honor--"
LEADER OF THE BAND.--Will you give us our money now, or wait till you
git through?"
To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention.
"--for this onexpected honor, I thank you."
LEADER OF THE BAND.--"But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we'd
play two choons."
Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows:--
"I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true
Americans, my heart swells--"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--"So do I!"
A VOICE.--"We all do!"
"--my heart swells--"
A VOICE.--"Three cheers for the swells."
"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume
our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career!"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--I'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career! Will
you join me, fellow-citizens, in a glorious career? What wages does a
man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself?"
"Dr, Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk. You're disturbin the
meetin."
DR. S.--Have you a banquet spread in the house? I should like a
rhunossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse
and wagon roasted whole. Anything that's handy. Don't put yourself out
on me account.
At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass
horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't to
be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know
what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper winder
suddenly opened, and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the
disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other
arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no more from me
to-day. When this you see, remember me.
____________________
O'BOURCY'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to the new
Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding. I will do it, sir.
I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while I was
amoosin and instructin the intellectoal peple of Cape Cod with my justly
pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather. He was then between 96 years
of age, but his mind was very clear. He told me I looked like George
Washington. He said I had a massiv intellect. Your grandfather was a
highly-intelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could ever
help his family in any way, I'd do so. Your grandfather gave me sum
clams and a Testament. He charged me for the clams but threw in the
Testament. He was a very fine man.
I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at once. It
gives you a moral tone at the word go.
I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is now, by the
way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't know what's bcum of Nib.) I couldn't
see much of a garding, however, and it struck me if Mr. Wheatley
depended on it as regards raisin things, he'd run short of gardin sass.
[N.B.--These remarks is yoomerous. The older I gro, the more I want to
goak.]
I walked down the isle in my usual dignified stile, politely tellin the
people as I parsed along to keep their seats. "Don't git up for me,"
I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever saw in my life showed me
into a seat, and I proceeded to while away the spare time by reading
Thompson's "Bank Note Reporter" and the comic papers.
The ordinance was large.
I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood was well
represented.
There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good clothes. There
was a good deal of hair present that belonged on the heds of peple who
didn't cum with it--but this is a ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at
my wife's waterfall, which indoosed that superior woman to take it off
and heave it at me rather vilently; and as there was about a half bushil
of it, it knockt me over, and give me pains in my body which I hain't
got over yit.
The orkistry struck up a toon, & I asked the Usher to nudge me when Mr.
Pogue cum on the stage to act.
I wanted to see Pogue; but, strange to say, he didn't act during the
entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's, and gone over to Barnum's.
Very industrious pepl are the actors at Barnum's. They play all day,
and in the evenin likewise. I meet'm every mornin, at five o'clock,
going to their work with their tin dinner-pails. It's a sublime site.
Many of them sleep on the premises.
Arrah-na-Pogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt & Edward McHouse. They
writ it well. O'Bourcy has writ a cartload of plays himself, the most
of which is fust-rate.
I understand there is a large number of O'gen'tlmen of this city who can
rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but somehow they don't seem to do
it. When they do, I'll take a Box of them.
As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through a tin
dinner-horn at my trained Bear (which it caused that feroshus animal to
kick up his legs and howl dismal, which fond mothers fell into swoons
and children cride to go home because fearin the Bear would leave his
jungle and tear them from limb to limb), and then excoosed himself (this
Boy did) by sayin he had done so while labourin under a attack of Moral
Insanity--as I sed to that thrifty youth, "I allus incurridge geenyus,
whenever I see it."
It's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are better Irish
actors than he is, but somhow I'm allus out of town when they act, & so
is other folks, which is what's the matter.
ACK THE 1.--Glendalo by moonlite.
Irishmen with clubs.
This is in 1798, the year of your birth, Mr. Editor.
It appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin a insurrection
in the mountain districts, and is now goin to leave the land of his
nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin so he picks the pockit
of Mr. Michael Feeny, a gov'ment detectiv, which pleases the gallery
very much indeed, and they joyfully remark, "hi, hi."
He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him dearer than life,
and who is, of course, related to the gov'ment; and just as the gov'ment
goes agin him she goes for him. This is nat'ral, but not grateful.
She sez, "And can it be so? Ar, tell me it is not so thusly as this
thusness wouldst seem!" or words to that effect.
He sez it isn't any other way, and they go off.
Irish moosic by the Band.
Mr. McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister, Miss Arrah
Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry Shaun, the Lamp Post. Mac then
alters his mind about goin over to France, and thinks he'll go up-stairs
and lie down in the straw. This is in Arrah's cabin. Arrah says it's
all right, me darlint, och hone, and shure, and other pop'lar remarks,
and Mac goes to his straw.
The wedding of Shaun and Arrah comes off.
Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of the peasantry.
Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse, called "The Drinkin of
the Gin." Ha, what is this? Soldiers cum in. Moosic by the band.
"Arrah," sez the Major, "you have those money." She sez, "Oh no, I
guess not." He sez, "Oh yes, I guess you have." "It is my own," sez
she, and exhibits it. "It is mine," says Mr. Feeny, and identifies it.
Great confusion.
Coat is prodoosed from up-stairs.
"Whose coat is this?" sez the Major. "Is it the coat of a young man
secreted in this here cabin?"
Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the
circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed of havin a
hansum young man hid in her house. But does this bold young Hibernian
forsake her? Not much, he dont. But he takes it all on himself, sez he
is the guilty wretch, and is marcht off to prison.
This is a new idea. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, in the play,
for her husband; but here's a noble young feller who shuts both his eyes
to the apparent sinfulness of his new young wife, and takes her right
square to his bosom. It was bootiful to me, who love my wife, and
believe in her, and would put on my meetin clothes and go to the gallus
for her cheerfully, ruther than believe she was capable of taking
anybody's money but mine. My marrid friends, listen to me: If you
treat your wives as though' they were perfeck gentlemen--if you show 'em
that you have entire confidence in them--believe me, they will be troo
to you most always.
I was so pleased with this conduct of Shaun that I hollered out, "Good
boy! Come and see me!"
"Silence!" sum people said.
"Put him out!" said a sweet-scented young man, with all his new clothes
on, and in company with a splendid waterfall, "put this old fellow out!"
"My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, "whose store do you sell
tape in? I might want to buy a yard before I go hum."
Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady, although a
member of the Commission, shows he sympathizes with Shaun, and twits
Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being a knock-kneed thief, &c., &c.
Mr. Stanton's grandfather was Sec'y of War in Ireland at that time, so
this was entirely proper.
Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin outside.
Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky thought strikes him; he opens the
window and gets out. Struggles with ivy and things on the outside of
the jail, and finally reaches her just as Mr. Feeny is about to dash
a large wooden stone onto his head. He throws Mr. F. into the river.
Pardon arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and kisses a la Pogue.
Everybody much happy.
Curtain falls.
This is a very harty outline of a splendid play. Go and see it--Yours
till then,
A. Ward.
____________________
ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.
To Home, April 1866.
The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took steps toord
freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall, and by the kind invite
of my naber, Mr. Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy, whose ancestors at least must
have Irish blood in their veins, I went over.
You may not be awair, by the way, that I've been a invalid here to home
for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to my own improodens. Not feelin
like eating a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner, in the South,
where I lately was, I went into a Resterater and et 20 hard biled eggs.
I think they effected my Liver.
My wife says, Po, po. She says I've got a splendid liver for a man of
my time of life. I've heard of men's livers gradooally wastin' away
till they hadn't none. It's a dreadful thing when a man's liver gives
him the shake.
Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, and by
the advice of Miss Peasley who continues single and is correspondinly
unhappy in the same ratios I consulted a Spiritul mejum--a writin'
mejum. I got a letter from a cel'brated Injin chief, who writ me,
accordin to the mejum, that he'd been ded two hundred and seventeen
(217) years, and liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum
yarb tea. I drinkt it, and it really helpt me. I've writ to this
talented savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't got
any answer. Perhaps he's in a spear where they haint' got any postage
stamps.
But thanks to careful nussin, I'm improvin rapid.
The Town Hall was jam-full of peple, mostly Irish citizens, and the
enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody and everything. They
cheer'd me.
"Hurroo for Ward! Hurroo!"
They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant voice,
"All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon, Cooshla
macree!"
These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I added,
"Mushler! mushler!"
"Good! good!" cried Captain Spingler, who desires the Irish vote for
country clerk; "that's fus' rate."
"You see what I'm drivin at, don't you, Cap?" I said.
"Certainly."
"Well," I ansered, "I'm very glad you do, becaus I don't."
This made the Finians larf, and they said, "Walk up onto the speaker's
platform sir."
The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, and it was
resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much desirable before
freein her that a large quantity of funds should be raised. And, like
the gen'rous souls as they was, funs was lib'rally contribooted. Then
arose a excitin discussion as to which head center they should send 'em
to--O'Mahony or McRoberts. There was grate excitement over this, but it
was finally resolved to send half to one and half to 'tother.
Then Mr. Finnigan rose and said, "We have here to-night sum citizens of
American birth, whom we should be glad to hear. It would fill our harts
with speechless joy to hear from a man whose name towers high in the
zoological and wax-figger world--from whose pearly lips--
Says I, "Go slow, Finny, go slow."
"We wish to hear," continued Mr. Finnigan, moderatin his stile summut,
"from our townsman, Mr. Ward."
I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a perfeck
uproar of applause.
I said we had convened there in a meetin, as I understood it, or rather
in a body, as it were, in reference to Ireland. If I knew my own hart,
every one of us there, both grate and small had an impulse flowin in his
boosum, "and consequentially," I added, we "will stick to it similar and
in accordance therewith, as long as a spark of manhood, or the peple at
large. That's the kind of man I be!"
Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs of Ireland
deeply, on accounts of havin onct courted the widder of a Irish
gentleman who had lingered in a loathsum dunjin in Dublin, placed there
by a English tarvern-keeper, who despotically wanted him to pay for a
quantity of chops and beer he had consoom'd. Besides, the Squire wants
to be re-elected Justice of the Peace. "Mr. Ward," he said, "you've bin
drinkin. You're under the infloo'nce of licker, sir!"
Says I, "Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my lips in fifteen
years.
[Cries of "Oh, here now, that won't do."]
"It is troo," I said. "Not a drop of good licker has passed my lips in
all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for it while it's goin
by!" says I. "Squire, harness me sum more!"
"I beg pardon," said the Squire, "for the remark; you are sober; but
what on airth are you drivin at?"
"Yes!" I said, "that's just it. That's what I've bin axin myself during
the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin drivin at? What's all the
grate Finian meetins drivin at all over the country?
"My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I didn't come here
to disturb this meetin. Nobody but a loafer will disturb any kind of a
meetin. And if you'll notice it, them as are up to this sort of thing,
allers come to a bad end. There was a young man--I will not mention his
name--who disturb'd my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin
remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan to the
front part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Bald--sayin,--says this
young man, 'You sandpaper it too much, but you've got a beautiful head
of hair in the back of your neck, old man.' This made a few ignent and
low-mindid persons larf; but what was the fate of that young man? In
less than a month his aunt died and left him a farm in Oxford county,
Maine! The human mind can pictur no grater misfortun than this.
"No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I know YOU are
honest in this Finian matter.
"But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at them rip-roarin
orators in New York, who've bin tearin round for up'ards a year, swearin
Ireland shall be free.
"There's two parties--O'McMahoneys and McO'Roberts. One thinks the best
way is to go over to Canady and establish a Irish Republic there, kindly
permittin the Canadians to pay the expenses of that sweet Boon; and the
other wants to sail direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his
fair young bride went down and was drownded, accordin to a ballad I
onct heard. But there's one pint on which both sides agree--that's the
Funs. They're willin, them chaps in New York, to receive all the Funs
you'll send 'em. You send a puss tonight to Mahony, and another puss
to Roberts. Both will receive 'em. You bet. And with other pusses it
will be sim'lar.
"I went into Mr. Delmonico's eatin-house the other night, and I saw
my fren Mr. Terence McFadden, who is a elekent and enterprisin deputy
Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin a canvas-back duck. Poultry
of that kind, as you know, is rather high just now. I think about five
dollars per Poult. And a bottle of green seal stood before him.
"'How are you, Mr. McFadden?' I said.
"'Oh, Mr. Ward! I am miserable--miserable! The wrongs we Irishmen
suffers! Oh, Ireland! Will a troo history of your sufferins ever be
written? Must we be ever ground under by the iron heel of despotic
Briton? But, Mr. Ward, won't you eat suthin?'
"'Well,' I said 'if there's another caanvas-back and a spare bottle of
that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mind jinin you in bein ground
under by Briton's iron heel.'
"'Green turtle soup, first?' he said.
"'Well, yes. If I'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with you, I don't
care if I do have a bowl of soup. Put a bean into it,' I said to the
waiter. 'It will remind me of my childhood days, when we had 'em baked
in conjunction with pork every Sunday mornin, and then all went up to
the village church, and had a refreshin nap in the fam'ly pew.'
"Mr. McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland, was of the
Mahony wing. I've no doubt that some ekally patriotic member of
the Roberts wing was sufferin in the same way over to the Mason-Dory
eatin-house.
"They say, feller-citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck for Irish
liberty! We hain't seen nothin BUT a Blow, so far--it's bin all blow,
and the blowers in New York won't git out of Bellusses as long as our
Irish frens in the rooral districks send 'em money.
"Let the Green float above the red, if that'll make it feel any better,
but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into anything till you know
whereabouts you're goin to.
"This is a very good country here where you are. You Irish hav enjoyed
our boons, held your share in our offices, and you certainly have
done your share of our votin. Then why this hulla-balloo about freein
Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a great injoory, too; because
they b'lieve you're comin sure enuff, and they fly off the handle and
git into jail. My Irish frens, ponder these things a little. 'Zamine
'em closely, and above all find out where the pusses go to."
I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me kindly. They
know'd I was honest, however wrong I might be; and they know'd too, that
there was no peple on arth whose generosity and gallantry I had a higher
respect for than the Irish, excep when they fly off the handle. So, my
feller citizens, let me toot my horn.
But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in a mournful tone
of vois, "Mr. Ward, your mind is failin. Your intellect totters!
You are only about sixty years of age, yet you will soon be a drivelin
dotard, and hav no control over yourself."
"I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my elbows
suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which caused that corpulent
magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fiddlers' box, where
he stuck his vener'ble hed into a base drum, and stated "Murder" twice,
in a very loud vois.
It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was all abed.
But a candle--a candle made from taller of our own raisin--gleamed in
Betsy's room; it gleamed for I! All was still. The sweet silver moon
was a shinin bright, and the beautiful stars was up to their usual
doins! I felt a sentymental mood so gently ore me stealin, and I pawsed
before Betsy's window, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as follers,
impromtoo, to wit:
Wake, Bessy, wake, My sweet galoot! Rise up, fair lady,
While I touch my lute!
The winder--I regret to say that the winder went up with a vi'lent
crash, and a form robed in spotless white exclaimed, "Cum into the
house, you old fool. To-morrer you'll be goin round complainin about
your liver!"
I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's "Life of
Julius Caesar." What a reckless old cuss he was! Yit Lewis picturs him
in glowin cullers. Caesar made it lively for the boys in Gaul, didn't
he? He slewd one million of citizens, male and female--Gauls and
Gaulusses--and then he sold another million of 'em into slavery. He
continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he
was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high-toned Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr.
Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, Caesar admitted
that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success, the house bein
crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the doors were
opened, the Ushers had to put up cards on which was prntd, "Standin Room
Only."
I went to bed at last. "And so," I said, "thou hast no ear for sweet
melody?"
A silvery snore was my only answer.
BETSY SLEPT.
Artemus Ward.
____________________
ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.
[The following paper was contributed by Mr. Browne to "Vanity Fair," the
New York "Punch," which terminated its career during the late war. Some
of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past; but the old fun
and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when first
written.]
Washington, April 17, 1863.
My wife stood before the lookin-glass, a fussin up her hair.
"What you doin, Betsy?" I inquired.
"Doin up my back hair," she replied.
"Betsy," said I, with a stern air, "Betsy, you're too old to think about
such frivolities as back hair."
"Too old? Too old?" she screamed, "too old, you bald-heded idiot!
You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to make a decent wig for a
single-brested grasshopper!"
The Rebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let my wife's back
hair alone. You heard me!
My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to scrootinize
clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy clost. I obsarve, too, that
she twists pieces of paper round her hair at nights, and won't let me
put my arms round her any more for fair I'll muss her. "Your mother
wasn't 'fraid I'd muss her when she was your age, my child," sed I one
day, with a sly twinkle into my dark bay eye.
"No," replied my little dawter, "she probly liked it."
You ain't going to fool female Young America much. You may gamble on
that.
But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago, hain't nothin
to do with Washington, from whither I now write you, hopin the iterms I
hereby sends will be exceptable to the Gin-Cocktail of America--I mean
the "Punch" thereof. [A mild wittikism.--A.W.]
Washington, D.C., is the Capital of "our once happy country"--if I
may be allowed to koin a frase! The D.C. stands for Desprit Cusses,
a numerosity which abounds here, the most of whom persess a Romantic
pashun for gratooitous drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an
incident. I notist for several days a large Hearse standin in front of
the principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. "Can you tell me, my fair
Castillian," sed I this mornin, to a young Spaniard from Tipperary, who
was blackin boots in the washroom--"can you tell me what those Hearse is
kept standin out there for?"
"Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You've no idee of the number
of People who drink at our Bar durin a day. You see those Hearse is
necessary."
I saw.
Standin in front of the tarvuns of Pennsylvany Avenoo is a lot of
miserbul wretches,--black, white and ring-strickid, and freckled--with
long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you like the wulture upon
the turtle-dove the minit you dismerge from hotel. They own yonder
four-wheeled startlin curiositys, which were used years and years ago by
the fust settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best
carriage I saw in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two
hundred years ago, as a goat-pen. Becumin so used up that it couldn't
hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at auction.
Subsekently it was used as a hospital for sick calves, then as a
hencoop, and finally it was put on wheels and is now doin duty as a
hack.
I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy. You know he is quite a
mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on the Connethycut
river. So I put on saler stile and hollered: "Ahoy, shipmet! Tip us
yer grapplin irons!"
"Yes, yes!" he sed, nervously, "but mercy on us, don't be so noisy."
"Ay, ay, my heart! But let me sing about how Jack Stokes lost his
gal:--
'The reason why he couldn't gain her, Was becoz he's drunken
saler!'
"That's very good, indeed," said the Secky, "but this is hardly the
place to sing songs in, my frend."
"Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, "and I don't care a cuss
who goes to the legislater! But I ax your pardon--how's things?"
"Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, "a copy of the
Middletown "Weekly Clarion" of February the 15, containin a report that
there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but I hardly credit
it."
"Air you well, Mr. Secky," sed I. "Is your liver all right? How's your
koff?"
"God bless me!" sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin wildly at me,
"what do you mean?"
"Oh, nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a Republican
form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up his trunk and go
home whenever he's sick. Sure nothin don't ail your liver?" sed I,
pokin him putty vilent in the stummick.
I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my umbreller, and
told him I'd have a check for it if he pleased. "That," sed he, "puts
me in mind of a little story. There was a man, out in our parts who was
so mean that he took his wife's coffin out of the back winder for fear
he would rub the paint off the doorway. Wall, about this time there was
a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller."
"Did it fit him well? Was it custom made? Was he measured for it?"
"Measured for what?" said Abe.
"The umbreller?"
"Wall, as I was sayin," continnered the President, treatin the
interruption with apparent comtempt, "this man sed he'd known that there
umbreller ever since it was a pyrasol. Ha, ha, ha!"
"Yes," said I, larfin in a respectful manner, "but what has this man
with the umbreller to do with the man who took his wife's coffin out of
the back winder?"
"To be sure," said Abe--"what was it? I must have got two stories mixed
together, which puts me in mind of another lit--"
"Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate you on your
career, which has been a honest and a good one--unscared and unmoved
by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of you--each one of
which is a little wuss than the other if possible!
"Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger merits all
praise, but to keep his under-garments on. E. Stanton has appeerently
only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus keep his under-garments
from flyin up over his hed. I mean that he occasionally dances in a
peck-measure, and he don't look graceful at it."
I took my departer. "Good-bye, old sweetness!" sed Abe, shakin me
cordgully by the hand.
"Adoo, my Prahayrie flower!" I replied, and made my exit. "Twenty-five
thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquized, as I walked down
the street, "is putty good wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I
reckon that it is wuth it to run the White House."
"What you bowt, sah? What the debble you doin, sah?"
It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me.
There was a cullud procession before me which was escortin a elderly
bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distinguished
Afrikin Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turnin a corner
puty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed agin his stummick in a
rather strengthy manner.
"Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, sah?"
"Certainly not, by all means! Procesh!"
And they went on.
I'm reconstructing my show. I've bo't a collection of life size wax
figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers. I bo't 'em at
auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about two dollars and fifty
cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolutionary forefather.
Ever as always yours,
A. WARD.
____________________
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
There is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of mountebanks
have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting all sorts of
monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There are some
eloquent men among the showmen. Some of them are Demosthenic. We
looked around among them during the last day we honored the Fair with
our brilliant presence, and were rather pleased at some things we heard
and witnessed.
The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the little man was
there.
"'Ere's a show, now," said he, "worth seeing. 'Ere's a entertainment
that improves the morals. P.T. Barnum--you've all hearn o' him. What
did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T. Barnum, 'Sir, you have the
all-firedest best show travelin!'--and all to be seen for the small sum
of fifteen cents!"
The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, "Gentle-MEN, this beast
can't turn round in a crockery crate ten feet square, and is of a bright
indigo blue. Over five hundred persons have seen this wonderful BEING
this mornin, and they said as they come out, 'What can these 'ere things
be? Is it alive? Doth it breathe and have a being? Ah yes,' they say,
'it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw afore.
'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents--'ere's your change, sir] own sublime
hand-works'--and walk right in."
The man with the wild mare was there.
"Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist queeriosity
in the livin' world--a wild mare without no hair--captered on the roarin
wild prahayries of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail
to see this gerrate exhibition. Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum
without seein the State Fair, an' you won't see the State Fair without
you see my show. Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for
the small sum of fifteen cents."
Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and asked the
showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the usual courtesies to
editors. He said he did, and requested them to go in. While they were
in some sly dog told him their names. When they came out the showman
pretended to talk with them, though he didn't say a word. They were
evidently in a hurry.
"There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen say? They air
editors--editors, gentleMEN--Mr. ----, of the Cleveland ----, and Mr.
----, of the Detroit ----, and they say it is the gerratist show they
ever seed in their born days!"
[Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be seen when
the showman concluded this speech.]
A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a gambling
contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he rapidly and ingeniously
covered the dice up, mounted his table, and shouted:
"Ere's the only great show on the grounds! The highly trained and
performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and seventeen tails, captured in
a well-fortified hencoop, after a desperate struggle, in the lowlands of
the Wabash!"
The facetious wretch escaped.
A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white choker had a
gift-enterprise concern. "My friends," he solemnly said, "you will
observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can afford to give
it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New
York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can give it away.
No blanks, my friends--all prizes--and only fifty cents a chance. I
don't make anything myself, my friends--all I get goes to aid a sick
woman--my aunt in the country, gentlemen--and besides I like to see
folks enjoy themselves!"
The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave countenance.
The man with the "wonderful calf with five legs and a huming head," and
"the philosophical lung-tester," were there. Then there was the Flying
Circus and any number of other ingenious contrivances to relieve young
ladies and gentlemen from the rural districts of their spare change.
A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, which had been
cut from his pocket by some thief.
"You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy Kossuth hat
with a feather in it, and who had a very you-can't-fool-me look. "I've
been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan, and knows my
bizniss aboard a propeller. Here's MY money," he exultingly cried,
slapping his pantaloons' pocket.
About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual rushing
frantically around after a policeman. Somebody had adroitly relieved
him of HIS money. In his search for a policeman he encountered the
young man who wasn't smart.
"Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter; "by G--, I thought you
was smart--I thought you'd been to the State Fair before."
The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing smile soon crossed
his face, and drawing the young man who wasn't smart confidentially
toward him, said--
"There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket--my MONEY is in
my boot--they can't fool me--I'VE BEEN TO THE STATE FAIR BEFORE!!"
____________________
THE NEGRO QUESTION.
I was sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when two
middle-aged and stern-looking females and a young and pretty female
suddenly entered the room. They were accompanied by two umberellers and
a negro gentleman.
"Do you feel for the down-trodden?" said one of the females, a
thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in green spectacles.
"Do I feel for it?" ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice--"do I feel
for it?"
"Yes; for the oppressed, the benighted?"
"Inasmuch as to which?" said the lan'lord.
"You see this man?" said the female, pintin her umbreller at the negro
gentleman.
"Yes, marm, I see him."
"Yes!" said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high pitch, "you
see him, and he's your brother!"
"No, I'm darned if he is!" said the lan'lord, hastily retreating to his
beer-casks.
"And yours!" shouted the excited female, addressing me. "He is also
your brother!"
"No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. "The nearest we come to
that color in our family was the case of my brother John. He had the
janders for sev'ral years, but they finally left him. I am happy to
state that, at the present time, he hasn't a solitary jander."
"Look at this man!" screamed the female.
I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed,
comfortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heave three or
four good meals a day into him without a murmur.
"Look a that down-trodden man!" cried the female.
"Who trod on him?" I inquired.
"Villains! despots!"
"Well," said the lan'lord, "why don't you go to the willins about it?
Why do you come here tellin us niggers is our brothers, and brandishin
your umbrellers round us like a lot of lunytics? You're wuss than the
sperrit-rappers!"
"Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a quieter sort of
person, "have you no sentiment--no poetry in your soul--no love for the
beautiful? Dost never go into the green fields to cull the beautiful
flowers?"
"I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry voice, "but I'll
bet you five pound you can't bring a man as dares say I durst."
"The little birds," continued the female, "dost not love to gaze onto
them?"
"I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou!" I humorously sung,
casting a sweet glance at the pretty young woman.
"Don't you look in that way at my dawter!" said female No. 1., in a
violent voice; "you're old enough to be her father."
"'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. "You behold in
me an emblem of innocence and purity. In fact, I start for Rome by the
first train to-morrow to sit as a model to a celebrated artist who is
about to sculp a statue to be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose
a sculper would send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was
overflowing with innocency? Don't make a error about me."
"It is my opinyn," said the leading female, "that you're a scoffer and a
wretch! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded state than the poor nergoes'
we are seeking to aid. You are a groper in the dark cellar of sin. O
sinful man!
'There is a sparkling fount Come, O come, and drink.'
No! you will not come and drink."
"Yes, he will," said the landlord, "if you'll treat. Jest try him."
"As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, "you're a
degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to."
"This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister!" cried the lan'lord,
drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered which goak, he gave a
low rumblin larf, and relapsed into silence.
"My colored fren," I said to the negro, kindly, "what is it all about?"
He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries to the
Southern States in America to preach to the vast numbers of negroes
recently made free there. He said they were without the gospel. They
were without tracts.
I said, "My fren," this is a seris matter. I admire you for trying to
help the race to which you belong, and far be it from me to say anything
again carrying the gospel among the blacks of the South. Let them go
to them by all means. But I happen to individually know that there
are some thousands of liberated blacks in the South who are starvin.
I don't blame anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are
really too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too
foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last winter
and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin for their souls,
but skurce any vittles for their stummux. Now, if it is proposed
to send flour and bacon along with the gospel, the idea is really an
excellent one. If, on t'other hand, it is proposed to send preachin
alone, all I can say is that it's a hard case for the niggers. If you
expect a colored person to get deeply interested in a tract when his
stummuck is empty, you expect too much."
I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kind-hearted
lan'lord did the same. I said:
"Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly. You are now as
free as the eagle. Be like him and soar. But don't attempt to convert
a Ethiopian person while his stummuck yearns for vittles. And you,
ladies--I hope you are ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home,
as you seem to help the poor and unfortunate abroad."
When they had gone, the lan'lord said, "Come into the garden, Ward."
And we went and culled some carrots for dinner.
____________________
ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH.
[The following fragment from the pen of Artemus Ward was written in the
last days of his illness, and was found amongst the loose papers on the
table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dying
jester, and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humor which even
extreme exhaustion and the near approach of death itself could not
wholly destroy.
There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when he
was just upon the point of dying, his friend, Mr. F.O. Ward, visited
him, and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts
of the metropolis in his capacity as a sanitary commissioner. "Pray
desist," said Hood; "your anecdote gives me the back-slum-bago." The
proximity of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his power to
jest than it could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left him to joke
upon, when he could no longer seek fun in the city streets, or visit
the Tower of London and call it "a sweet boon," his own shattered self
suggested a theme for jesting. He commenced this paper "On Health."
The purport of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally; for
Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had
some good reasons for being so. A few weeks before he died, a German
physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that
nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the
larynx. Another physician told him that he had heart disease, and a
third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged
two or three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoise shell
for medicine, to perfectly recover! Every doctor made a different
diagnosis, and each had a different specific. One alone of the many
physicians to whom Artemus applied seemed to be fully aware that the
poor patient was dying of consumption in its most formidable form. Not
merely phthisis, but a cessation of functions and a wasting away of the
organs most concerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw how much the
doctors were at fault, and used to smile at them with a sadly scornful
smile as they left the sick room. "I must write a paper," said he,
"about health and doctors." The few paragraphs which follow are, I
believe, all that he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter became
too serious to him for further jesting, or whether his hand became too
weak to hold the pen, I cannot say. The article terminates as abruptly
as did the life of its gentle, kind, ill-fated author.
E.P.H.]
Ontil quite recent, I've bin a helthy individooal. I'm near 60, and yit
I've got a muskle into my arms which don't make my fists resemble the
tread of a canary bird when they fly out and hit a man.
Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in a b'ildin
which had form'ly bin ockepyied by a pugylist--one of them fellers which
hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly art of self defens. And
he cum and said he was goin in free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin
sed b'ildin, with a large yeller dog. I sed, "To be sure, sir, but not
with those yeller dogs." He sed, "Oh, yes." I sed, "Oh, no." He sed,
"Do you want to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a
powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow in my left
eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs; but
he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I went for him
energet'cally. His parents live near by, and I will simply state that
15 minits after I'd gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form
of her son approachin the house on to a shutter carrid by four men,
run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, "My son, you've been
foolin round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they
put the grain in, come out with the straw, and then got up in the
thingumajig and let the hosses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"
You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when I'm angry.
But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly.
The Wards has allus been noted for helthiness.
The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was Abijah Ward
and his wife, Abygil Ward who came over with the Pilgrims in the
"Mayflower." Most of the Pilgrims was sick on the passige, but my
ancestor wasn't. Even when the tempist raged and the billers howled, he
sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it
was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was
sawdust, and my ancestor sed he wouldn't have b'leeved such wickedness
could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him was
onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass of new gin. It
will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a commercial mind.
My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in life has
been vari's.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
____________________
A FRAGMENT.
[Among the papers, letters and miscellanea left on the table of poor
Ward was found the fragment which follows. Diligent search failed
to discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it
consists of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round
England. To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the
author's favorite ideas; and another favorite one was to travel on the
Continent and compile a comic "Murray's Guide." No interest attaches
to this mere scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would
have attempted had his life been longer.]
* * * * * * * * * *
At North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the little house
by the railside, where they sell such immense quantities of sponge-cake,
which is very sweet and very yellow, but which lies rather more heavily
on the stomach than raw turnips, as I ascertained one day from actual
experience. This is not stated because I have any spite against this
little house by the railside. Their mince-pies are nobly made, and
their apple-pies are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be a
very pretty girl at this house, and one day, while I was struggling
rapidly with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortunate as to wink
slightly at her. The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired party,
who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that he "expected"
he could lick any party who winked at her. A cursory examination of his
frame convinced me that he could lick me with disgustin ease, so I told
him it was a complaint of the eyes. "They are both so," I added, "and
they have been so from infancy's hour. See here!" And I commenced
winking in a frightful manner. I escaped, but it was inconvenient for
me for some time afterwards, because whenever I passed over the road I
naturally visited the refreshment house, and was compelled to wink in
a manner which took away the appetites of other travellers, and one day
caused a very old lady to state, with her mouth full of sponge-cake,
that she had cripples and drunkards in her family, but thanks to the
heavens above, no idiots without any control over their eyes, looking
sternly at me as she spoke.
That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident. I trust
that my unblemished character--but I will not detain you further with
this sad affair.
* * * * * * * * * *
ARTEMUS WARD