CHAPTER I.--THE MORMON'S DEPARTURE.

Produced by Anonymous Volunteers and David Widger

THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD

By Charles Farrar Browne (AKA Artemus Ward)

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

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BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH by Melville D. Landon

PART  I.

ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTERS.

Mr. Ward's first Business Letter

On "Forts"

The Shakers

High-handed Outrage at Utica

Atlantic Cable Celebration at Baldinsville

Among the Spirits

On the Wing

The Octoroon

Oberlin

The Showman's Courtship

The Crisis

Wax Figures vs. Shakspeare

Among the "Free Lovers"

A Visit to Brigham Young

The Press

Edwin Forrest as Othello

The Show Business and Popular Lectures

Woman's Rights

The Prince of Wales

Ossawatomie Brown

Joy in the House of Ward

Boston. (A. Ward to his Wife.)

How "Old Abe" received the News of his Nomination

Interview with President Lincoln

Interview with Prince Napoleon

Agriculture.

Busts

A Hard Case

Affairs around the Village Green

PART  II.

WAR.

The Show is Confiscated.

Thrilling Scenes in Dixie.

Fourth of July Oration

The War Fever in Baldinsville.

A War Meeting.

The Draft in Baldinsville.

Surrender of Cornwallis.

Things in New York.

In Canada.

The Noble Red Man.

Artemus Ward in Richmond.

Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales.

PART  III.

STORIES AND ROMANCES.

Moses the Sassy; or, The Disguised Duke.

Marion: A Romance of the French School.

William Barker, the Young Patriot

A Romance--The Conscript.

A Romance--Only a Mechanic.

Roberto the Rover; A Tale of Sea and Shore.

Red Hand: A Tale of Revenge.

Pyrotechny: A Romance after the French.

A Mormon Romance--Reginald Gloverson.

PART IV.

TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN.

On the Steamer.

The Isthmus.

Mexico.

California.

Washoe.

Mr. Pepper.

Horace Greeley's Ride to Placerville.

To Reese River.

Great Salt Lake City.

The Mountain Fever.

"I am Here."

Brigham Young.

Hurrah for the Road.

Very Much Married.

PART V.

THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS.

Arrival in London.

Personal Recollections.

The Green Lion and Oliver Cromwell.

At the Tomb of Shakespeare.

Introduction to the Club.

The Tower of London.

Science and Natural History.

A Visit to the British Museum.

PART  VI.

ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA.

Prefactory Note.

The Egyptian Hall Lecture.

Program of the Egyptian Hall Lecture.

Program of the Dodworth Hall Lecture.

PART  VII.

MISCELLANEOUS.

The Cruise of the Polly Ann.

Betsy-Jain Re-organized.

A. Ward's Autobiography.

The Serenade.

O'Bourcy's "Arrah-na-Pogue."

Artemus Ward among the Fenians.

Artemus Ward in Washington.

Scenes Outside the Fair Grounds.

The Negro Question.

Artemus Ward on Health.

A Fragment--At North Berwick.

____________________ CHAS. FARRAR BROWNE "ARTEMUS WARD"

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A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH BY MELVILLE D. LANDON.

Charles Farrar Browne, better known to the world as "Artemus Ward," was

born at Waterford, Oxford County, Maine, on the twenty-sixth of April,

1834, and died of consumption at Southampton, England, on Wednesday, the

sixth of March, 1867.

His father, Levi Browne, was a land surveyor, and Justice of the Peace.

His mother, Caroline E. Brown, is still living, and is a descendant

from Puritan stock.

Mr. Browne's business manager, Mr. Hingston, once asked him about his

Puritanic origin, when he replied: "I think we came from Jerusalem, for

my father's name was Levi and we had a Moses and a Nathan in the

family, but my poor brother's name was Cyrus; so, perhaps, that makes us

Persians."

Charles was partially educated at the Waterford school, when family

circumstances induced his parents to apprentice him to learn the

rudiments of printing in the office of the "Skowhegan Clarion,"

published some miles to the north of his native village.  Here he passed

through the dreadful ordeal to which a printer's "devil" is generally

subjected.  He always kept his temper; and his eccentric boy jokes are

even now told by the residents of Skowhegan.

In the spring, after his fifteenth birthday, Charles Browne bade

farewell to the "Skowhegan Clarion;" and we next hear of him in

the office of the "Carpet-Bag," edited by B.P. Shillaber ("Mrs.

Partington").  Lean, lank, but strangely appreciative, young Browne

used to "set up" articles from the pens of Charles G. Halpine ("Miles

O'Reilly") and John G. Saxe, the poet.  Here he wrote his first

contribution in a disguised hand, slyly put it into the editorial box,

and the next day disguised his pleasure while setting it up himself.

The article was a description of a Fourth of July celebration in

Skowhegan.  The spectacle of the day was a representation of the

battle of Yorktown, with G. Washington and General Horace Cornwallis

in character.  The article pleased Mr. Shillaber, and Mr. Browne,

afterwards speaking of it, said: "I went to the theatre that evening,

had a good time of it, and thought I was the greatest man in Boston."

While engaged on the "Carpet-Bag," the subject of our sketch closely

studied the theatre and courted the society of actors and actresses.  It

was in this way that he gained that correct and valuable knowledge of

the texts and characters of the drama, which enabled him in after years

to burlesque them so successfully.  The humorous writings of Seba Smith

were his models, and the oddities of "John Phoenix" were his especial

admiration.

Being of a roving temper Charles Browne soon left Boston, and,

after traveling as a journeyman printer over much of New York and

Massachusetts, he turned up in the town of Tiffin, Seneca County, Ohio,

where he became reporter and compositor at four dollars per week.  After

making many friends among the good citizens of Tiffin, by whom he is

remembered as a patron of side shows and traveling circuses, our hero

suddenly set out for Toledo, on the lake, where he immediately made a

reputation as a writer of sarcastic paragraphs in the columns of

the Toledo "Commercial."  He waged a vigorous newspaper war with the

reporters of the Toledo "Blade," but while the "Blade" indulged in

violent vituperation, "Artemus" was good-natured and full of humor.

His column soon gained a local fame and everybody read it. His fame

even traveled away to Cleveland, where, in 1858, when Mr. Browne was

twenty-four years of age, Mr. J.W. Gray of the Cleveland "Plaindealer"

secured him as local reporter, at a salary of twelve-dollars per week.

Here his reputation first began to assume a national character and it

was here that they called him a "fool" when he mentioned the idea of

taking the field as a lecturer.  Speaking of this circumstance while

traveling down the Mississippi with the writer, in 1865, Mr. Browne

musingly repeated this colloquy:

WISE MAN:--"Ah! you poor foolish little girl--here is a dollar for you."

FOOLISH LITTLE GIRL:--"Thank you, sir; but I have a sister at home as

foolish as I am; can't you give me a dollar for her?"

Charles Browne was not successful as a NEWS reporter, lacking enterprise

and energy, but his success lay in writing up in a burlesque manner

well-known public affairs like prize-fights, races, spiritual meetings,

and political gatherings.  His department became wonderfully humorous,

and was always a favorite with readers, whether there was any news in

it or not.  Sometimes he would have a whole column of letters from young

ladies in reply to a fancied matrimonial advertisement, and then he

would have a column of answers to general correspondents like this:--

VERITAS:--Many make the same error. Mr. Key, who wrote the "Star

Spangled Banner," is not the author of Hamlet, a tragedy.   He wrote the

banner business, and assisted in "The Female Pirate," BUT DID NOT WRITE

HAMLET.  Hamlet was written by a talented but unscrupulous man named

Macbeth, afterwards tried and executed for "murdering sleep."

YOUNG CLERGYMAN:--Two pints of rum, two quarts of hot water, tea-cup

of sugar, and a lemon; grate in nutmeg, stir thoroughly and drink while

hot.

It was during his engagement on the "Plaindealer" that he wrote, dating

from Indiana, his first communication,--the first published letter

following this sketch, signed "Artemus Ward" a sobriquet purely

incidental, but borne with the "u" changed to an "a" by an American

revolutionary general.  It was here that Mr. Browne first became, IN

WORDS, the possessor of a moral show "consisting of three moral bares,

the a kangaroo (a amoozing little rascal; 'twould make you larf yourself

to death to see the little kuss jump and squeal), wax figures of G.

Washington, &c. &c."  Hundreds of newspapers copied this letter, and

Charles Browne awoke one morning to find himself famous.

In the "Plaindealer" office, his companion, George Hoyt, writes: "His

desk was a rickety table which had been whittled and gashed until it

looked as if it had been the victim of lightning.  His chair was a fit

companion thereto,--a wabbling, unsteady affair, sometimes with four and

sometimes with three legs.  But Browne saw neither the table, nor the

chair, nor any person who might be near, nothing, in fact, but the funny

pictures which were tumbling out of his brain.  When writing, his gaunt

form looked ridiculous enough.  One leg hung over the arm of his chair

like a great hook, while he would write away, sometimes laughing to

himself, and then slapping the table in the excess of his mirth."

While in the office of the "Plaindealer," Mr. Browne first conceived the

idea of becoming a lecturer. In attending the various minstrel shows and

circuses which came to the city, he would frequently hear repeated some

story of his own which the audience would receive with hilarity.  His

best witticisms came back to him from the lips of another who made a

living by quoting a stolen jest.  Then the thought came to him to

enter the lecture field himself, and become the utterer of his own

witticisms--the mouthpiece of his own jests.

On the 10th of November, 1860, Charles Browne, whose fame, traveling

in his letters from Boston to San Francisco, had now become national,

grasped the hands of his hundreds of New York admirers.  Cleveland

had throned him the monarch of mirth, and a thousand hearts paid him

tributes of adulation as he closed his connection with the Cleveland

Press.

Arriving in the Empire City, Mr. Browne soon opened an engagement with

"Vanity Fair," a humorous paper after the manner of London "Punch,"

and ere long he succeeded Mr. Charles G. Leland as editor.  Mr. Charles

Dawson Shanly says: "After Artemus Ward became sole editor, a position

which he held for a brief period, many of his best contributions were

given to the public; and, whatever there was of merit in the columns of

"Vanity Fair" from the time he assumed the editorial charge, emanated

from his pen."  Mr. Browne himself wrote to a friend: "Comic copy is

what they wanted for "Vanity Fair."  I wrote some and it killed it. The

poor paper got to be a conundrum, and so I gave it up."

The idea of entering the field as a lecturer now seized Mr. Browne

stronger than ever.  Tired of the pen, he resolved on trying the

platform.  His Bohemian friends agreed that his fame and fortune would

be made before intelligent audiences.  He resolved to try it.  What

should be the subject of my lecture?  How shall I treat the subject?

These questions caused Mr. Browne grave speculations.  Among other

schemes, he thought of a string of jests combined with a stream of

satire, the whole being unconnected--a burlesque upon a lecture.  The

subject,--that was a hard question.  First he thought of calling it "My

Seven Grandmothers," but he finally adopted the name of "Babes in

the Woods," and with this subject Charles Browne was introduced to a

metropolitan audience, on the evening of December 23d, 1861.  The place

was Clinton Hall, which stood on the site of the old Astor Place Opera

House, where years ago occurred the Macready riot, and where now is

the Mercantile Library.  Previous to this introduction, Mr. Frank Wood

accompanied him to the suburban town of Norwich, Connecticut, where he

first delivered his lecture, and watched the result.  The audience was

delighted, and Mr. Browne received an ovation. Previous to his Clinton

Hall appearance the city was flooded with funny placards reading--

Owing to a great storm, only a small audience braved the elements, and

the Clinton Hall lecture was not a financial success.  It consisted of

a wandering batch of comicalities, touching upon everything except "The

Babes."  Indeed it was better described by the lecturer in London, when

he said, "One of the features of my entertainment is, that it contains

so many things that don't have anything to do with it."

In the middle of his lecture, the speaker would hesitate, stop, and say:

"Owing to a slight indisposition we will now have an intermission of

fifteen minutes."  The audience looked in utter dismay at the idea of

staring at vacancy for a quarter of an hour, when, rubbing his hands,

the lecturer would continue: "but, ah--during the intermission I will go

on with my lecture!"

Mr. Browne's first volume, entitled "Artemus Ward; His Book," was

published in New York, May 17th, 1862.  The volume was everywhere

hailed with enthusiasm, and over forty thousand copies were sold.  Great

success also attended the sale of his three other volumes published in

'65, '67, and '69.

Mr. Browne's next lecture was entitled "Sixty Minutes in Africa," and

was delivered in Musical Fund Hall, Philadelphia.  Behind him hung a

large map of Africa, "which region," said Artemus, "abounds in various

natural productions, such as reptiles and flowers.  It produces the red

rose, the white rose, and the neg-roes.  In the middle of the continent

is what is called a 'howling wilderness,' but, for my part, I have never

heard it howl, nor met with any one who has."

After Mr. Browne had created immense enthusiasm for his lectures and

books in the Eastern States, which filled his pockets with a handsome

exchequer, he started, October 3d, 1863, for California, a faithful

account of which trip is given by himself in this book.  Previous

to starting, he received a telegram from Thomas Maguire, of the San

Francisco Opera House, inquiring "what he would take for forty nights in

Californis."  Mr. Brown immediately telegraphed back,--

"Brandy and water.

A. Ward."

And, though Maguire was sorely puzzled at the contents of the dispatch,

the Press got hold of it, and it went through California as a capital

joke.

Mr. Browne first lectured in San Francisco on "The Babes in the Woods,"

November 13th, 1863, at Pratt's Hall.  T. Starr King took a deep

interest in him, occupying the rostrum, and his general reception in San

Francisco was warm.

Returning overland, through Salt Lake to the States, in the fall of

1864, Mr. Browne lectured again in New York, this time on the "Mormons,"

to immense audiences, and in the spring of 1865 he commenced his tour

through the country, everywhere drawing enthusiastic audiences both

North and South.

It was while on this tour that the writer of this sketch again spent

some time with him.  We met at Memphis and traveled down the Mississippi

together.  At Lake Providence the "Indiana" rounded up to our landing,

and Mr. Browne accompanied the writer to his plantation, where he spent

several days, mingling in seeming infinite delight with the negroes.

For them he showed great fondness, and they used to stand around him in

crowds listening to his seemingly serious advice.  We could not prevail

upon him to hunt or to join in any of the equestrian amusements with the

neighboring planters, but a quiet fascination drew him to the negroes.

Strolling through the "quarters," his grave words, too deep with humor

for darkey comprehension, gained their entire confidence.  One day he

called up Uncle Jeff., an Uncle-Tom-like patriarch, and commenced in his

usual vein: "Now, Uncle Jefferson," he said, "why do you thus pursue the

habits of industry?  This course of life is wrong--all wrong--all a base

habit, Uncle Jefferson.  Now try to break it off.  Look at me,--look

at Mr. Landon, the chivalric young Southern plantist from New York,

he toils not, neither does he spin; he pursues a career of contented

idleness.  If you only thought so, Jefferson, you could live for months

without performing any kund of labor, and at the expiration of that time

feel fresh and vigorous enough to commence it again.  Idleness refreshes

the physical organization--it is a sweet boon!  Strike at the roots of

the destroying habit to-day, Jefferson.  It tires you out; resolve to be

idle; no one should labor; he should hire others to do it for him;"

and then he would fix his mournful eyes on Jeff. and hand him a dollar,

while the eyes of the wonder-struck darkey would gaze in mute admiration

upon the good and wise originator of the only theory which the darkey

mind could appreciate.  As Jeff. went away to tell the wonderful story

to his companions, and backed it with the dollar as material proof,

Artemus would cover his eyes, and bend forward on his elbows in a

chuckling laugh.

"Among the Mormons" was delivered through the States, everywhere drawing

immense crowds.  His manner of delivering his discourse was grotesque

and comical beyond description.  His quaint and sad style contributed

more than anything else to render his entertainment exquisitely funny.

The programme was exceedingly droll, and the tickets of admission

presented the most ludicrous of ideas.  The writer presents a fac-simile

of an admission ticket which was presented to him in Natchez by Mr.

Browne:--

In the spring of 1866, Charles Browne first timidly thought of going to

Europe.  Turning to Mr. Hingston one day he asked: "What sort of a man

is Albert Smith?  Do you think the Mormons would be as good a subject to

the Londoners as Mont Blanc was?"  Then he said: "I should like to go to

London and give my lecture in the same place.  Can't it be done?"

Mr. Browne sailed for England soon after, taking with him his Panorama.

The success that awaited him could scarcely have been anticipated by his

most intimate friends.  Scholars, wits, poets, and novelists came to

him with extended hands, and his stay in London was one ovation to

the genius of American wit.  Charles Reade, the novelist, was his warm

friend and enthusiastic admirer; and Mr. Andrew Haliday introduced him

to the "Literary Club," where he became a great favorite.  Mark Lemon

came to him and asked him to become a contributor to "Punch," which he

did.  His "Punch" letters were more remarked in literary circles than

any other current matter.  There was hardly a club-meeting or a dinner

at which they were not discussed.  "There was something so grotesque in

the idea," said a correspondent, "of this ruthless Yankee poking

among the revered antiquities of Britain, that the beef-eating British

themselves could not restrain their laughter."  The story of his Uncle

William who "followed commercial pursuits, glorious commerce--and sold

soap," and his letters on the Tower and "Chowser," were palpable hits,

and it was admitted that "Punch" had contained nothing better since

the days of "Yellowplush."  This opinion was shared by the "Times," the

literary reviews, and the gayest leaders of society.  The publishers

of "Punch" posted up his name in large letters over their shop in Fleet

Street, and Artemus delighted to point it out to his friends.  About

this time Mr. Browne wrote to his friend Jack Rider, of Cleveland:

"This is the proudest moment of my life.  To have been as well

appreciated here as at home; to have written for the oldest comic

Journal in the English language, received mention with Hood, with

Jerrold and Hook, and to have my picture and my pseudonym as common in

London as in New York, is enough for

"Yours truly,

"A. Ward."

England was thoroughly aroused to the merits of Artemus Ward, before

he commenced his lectures at Egyptian Hall, and when, in November, he

finally appeared, immense crowds were compelled to turn away.  At every

lecture his fame increased, and when sickness brought his brilliant

success to an end, a nation mourned his retirement.

On the evening of Friday, the seventh week of his engagement at

Egyptian Hall, Artemus became seriously ill, an apology was made to

a disappointed audience, and from that time the light of one of the

greatest wits of the centuries commenced fading into darkness.  The

Press mourned his retirement, and a funeral pall fell over London.  The

laughing, applauding crowds were soon to see his consumptive form moving

towards its narrow resting-place in the cemetery at Kensal Green.

By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short time to the Island of

Jersey--but the breezes of Jersey were powerless.  He wrote to London to

his nearest and dearest friends--the members of a literary club of which

he was a member--to complain that his "loneliness weighed on him."

He was brought back, but could not sustain the journey farther than

Southampton.  There the members of the club traveled from London to see

him--two at a time--that he might be less lonely.

His remains were followed to the grave from the rooms of his friend

Arthur Sketchley, by a large number of friends and admirers, the

literati and press of London paying the last tribute of respect to their

dead brother.  The funeral services were conducted by the Rev. M.D.

Conway, formerly of Cincinnati, and the coffin was temporarily placed in

a vault, from which it was removed by his American friends, and his body

now sleeps by the side of his father, Levi Browne, in the quiet cemetery

at Waterford, Maine.  Upon the coffin is the simple inscription:--

His English executors were T.W. Robertson, the playwright, and his

friend and companion, E.P. Hingston.  His literary executors were Horace

Greeley and Richard H. Stoddard.  In his will, he bequeathed among other

things a large sum of money to his little valet, a bright little fellow;

though subsequent denouments revealed the fact that he left only a

six-thousand-dollar house in Yonkers.  There is still some mystery

about his finances, which may one day be revealed.  It is known that

he withdrew 10,000 dollars from the Pacific Bank to deposit it with a

friend before going to England; besides this, his London "Punch" letters

paid a handsome profit.  Among his personal friends were George Hoyt,

the late Daniel Setchell, Charles W. Coe, and Mr. Mullen, the artist,

all of whom he used to style "my friends all the year round."

Personally Charles Farrar Browne was one of the kindest and most

affectionate of men, and history does not name a man who was so

universally beloved by all who knew him.  It was remarked, and truly,

that the death of no literary character since Washington Irving caused

such general and widespread regret.

In stature he was tall and slender.  His nose was prominent,--outlined

like that of Sir Charles Napier, or Mr. Seward; his eyes brilliant,

small, and close together; his mouth large, teeth white and pearly;

fingers long and slender; hair soft, straight, and blonde; complexion

florid; mustache large, and his voice soft and clear.  In bearing,

he moved like a natural-born gentleman.  In his lectures he never

smiled--not even while he was giving utterance to the most delicious

absurdities; but all the while the jokes fell from his lips as if he

was unconscious of their meaning.  While writing his lectures, he would

laugh and chuckle to himself continually.

There was one peculiarity about Charles Browne--He never made an enemy.

Other wits in other times have been famous, but a satirical thrust now

and then has killed a friend.  Diogenes was the wit of Greece, but when,

after holding up an old dried fish to draw away the eyes of Anaximenes'

audience, he exclaimed "See how an old fish is more interesting than

Anaximenes," he said a funny thing, but he stabbed a friend.  When

Charles Lamb, in answer to the doting mother's question as to how he

liked babies, replied, "b-b-boiled, madam, boiled!" that mother loved

him no more: and when John Randolph said "thank you!" to his constituent

who kindly remarked that he had the pleasure of passing his house,

it was wit at the expense of friendship.  The whole English school of

wits--with Douglas Jerrold, Hood, Sheridan, and Sidney Smith, indulged

in repartee.  They were parasitic wits.  And so with the Irish, except

that an Irishman is generally so ridiculously absurd in his replies as

to only excite ridicule.  "Artemus Ward" made you laugh and love him

too.

The wit of "Artemus Ward" and "Josh Billings" is distinctively American.

Lord Kames, in his "Elements of Criticism," makes no mention of this

species of wit, a lack which the future rhetorician should look to.  We

look in vain for it in the English language of past ages, and in other

languages of modern time.  It is the genus American.  When Artemus

says in that serious manner, looking admiringly at his atrocious

pictures,--"I love pictures--and I have many of them--beautiful

photographs--of myself;" you smile; and when he continues, "These

pictures were painted by the Old Masters; they painted these pictures

and then they--they expired;" you hardly know what it is that makes you

laugh outright; and when Josh Billings says in his Proverbs, wiser than

Solomon's "You'd better not know so much, than know so many things that

ain't so;"--the same vein is struck, but the text-books fail to explain

scientifically the cause of our mirth.

The wit of Charles Browne is of the most exalted kind.  It is only

scholars and those thoroughly acquainted with the subtilty of our

language who fully appreciate it.  His wit is generally about historical

personages like Cromwell, Garrick, or Shakspeare, or a burlesque on

different styles of writing, like his French novel, when hifalutin

phrases of tragedy come from the clodhopper who--"sells soap and

thrice--refuses a ducal coronet."

Mr. Browne mingled the eccentric even in his business letters.  Once he

wrote to his Publisher, Mr. G.W. Carleton, who had made some alterations

in his MSS.: "The next book I write I'm going to get you to write."

Again he wrote in 1863:

"Dear Carl:--You and I will get out a book next spring, which will knock

spots out of all comic books in ancient or modern history. And the fact

that you are going to take hold of it convinces me that you have one of

the most massive intellects of this or any other epoch.

"Yours, my pretty gazelle

"A. Ward."

When Charles F. Browne died, he did not belong to America, for, as with

Irving and Dickens, the English language claimed him.  Greece alone did

not suffer when the current of Diogenes' wit flowed on to death.  Spain

alone did not mourn when Cervantes, dying, left Don Quixote, the "knight

of la Mancha."  When Charles Lamb ceased to tune the great heart of

humanity to joy and gladness, his funeral was in every English

and American household; and when Charles Browne took up his silent

resting-place in the sombre shades of Kensal Green, jesting ceased, and

one great Anglo-American heart,

Like a muffled drum went beating Funeral marches to his grave.

MELVILLE D. LANDON.

____________________

ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS.

To the Editor of the----

Sir--I'm movin along--slowly along--down tords your place.  I want you

should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place.

My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin

little Raskal--t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little

cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler John

Bunyan Capt Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of killin Dr. Parkman,

besides several miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts

& murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by none.  Now Mr. Editor,

scratch orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your

place.  I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss.  Depend upon it.

I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile.  Also git up a

tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show.  We must

fetch the public sumhow.  We must wurk on their feelins.  Cum the moral

on 'em strong.  If it's a temperance community tell 'em I sined the

pledge fifteen minits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your peple

take their tods, say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever met,

full of conwiviality, &the life an sole of the Soshul Bored.  Take,

don't you?  If you say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is as

harmliss as the new-born Babe.  What a interestin study it is to see a

zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjecshun!  My kangaroo

is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw.  All for 15 cents.  I am

anxyus to skewer your infloounce.  I repeet in regard to them hanbills

that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin office.  My

perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly.  I know thay do, becawz

I never saw a man whoos didn't.

Respectively yures,                A. Ward.

P.S.--You scratch my back &Ile scratch your back.

____________________

ON "FORTS".

Every man has got a Fort.  It's sum men's fort to do one thing, and

some other men's fort to do another, while there is numeris shiftliss

critters goin round loose whose fort is not to do nothin.

Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as a Washington

correspondent of a New York aily paper.  He lackt the rekesit fancy and

imagginashun.

That's so!

Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public man of the

present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. Whare bowts can George's

ekal be found?  I ask, & boldly anser no whares, or eny whare else.

Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik Sassyperiller. "Goy to the world!

anuther life saived!"  (Cotashun from Townsin's advertisemunt.)

Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf under the boundin

billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust.

Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mends everything.  Wonder

ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze?  Impromptoo goak.

Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller.

My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice famerly

literatoor for the noospapers.  That's what's the matter with ME.

&c., &c., &c.   So I mite go on to a indefnit extent.

Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my Fort.  The fust

time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a hole in my

tent & krawld threw.  Sez I, "my jentle Sir go out  or I shall fall onto

you putty hevy."  Sez he, "Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went

for  him, but he cawt me powerful on the hed & knockt me threw the tent

into a cow pastur.  He pursood the attack & flung me into a mud puddle.

As I aroze & rung out my drencht garmints I koncluded fitin wasn't my

Fort.  Ile now rize the kurtin upon Seen 2nd:  It is rarely seldum that

I seek consolation in the Flowin Bole.  But in a sertin town in Injianny

in the Faul of 18--, my orgin grinder got sick with the fever & died.

I never felt so ashamed in my life, & I thowt I'd hist in a few swallows

of suthin strengthin.  Konsequents was I histid in so much I dident

zackly know whare bowts I was.  I turnd my livin wild beests of Pray

loose into the streets and spilt all my wax wurks.  I then Bet I cood

play hoss.  So I hitched myself to a Kanawl bote, there bein two other

hosses hitcht on also, one behind and anuther ahead of me.  The driver

hollerd for us to git up, and we did.  But the hosses bein onused to

sich a arrangemunt begun to kick & squeal and rair up.  Konsequents

was I was kickt vilently in the stummuck & back, and presuntly I fownd

myself in the Kanawl with the other hosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe

of Cusscaroorus savvijis.  I was rescood, & as I was bein carrid to the

tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, "Boys, playin hoss

isn't my Fort."

MORUL--Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for ef you do you'll

find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl, figgeratively speakin.

____________________

THE SHAKERS.

The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met.  I'd hearn tell

of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hats and long wastid

coats; but I'd never cum into immejit contack with 'em, and I'd sot 'em

down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never seen 'em to my Show--leastways,

if they cum they was disgised in white peple's close, so I didn't know

'em.

But in the Spring of 18--, I got swampt in the exterior of New York

State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Blue pityusly, and I

was forced to tie up with the Shakers.

I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the futer I

obsarved the gleams of a taller candle.  Tiein a hornet's nest to my off

hoss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon reached the place.  I knockt

at the door, which it was opened unto me by a tall, slick-faced, solum

lookin individooal, who turn'd out to be a Elder.

"Mr. Shaker," sed I, "you see before you a Babe in the woods, so to

speak, and he axes shelter of you."

"Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, another Shaker

bein sent to put my hosses and waggin under kiver.

A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's beanpole stuck into a

long meal bag, cum in axed me was I athurst and did I hunger? to which

I urbanely anserd "a few." She went orf and I endeverd to open a

conversashun with the old man.

"Elder, I spect?" sed I.

"Yay," he said.

"Helth's good, I reckon?"

"Yay."

"What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans his bizness--or do you

devote your sarvices gratooitus?"

"Yay."

"Stormy night, sir."

"Yay."

"If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot, hay?"

"Yay."

"It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot?"

"Yay."

"If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind

of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins?"

"Yay!"

I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and see how

that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and

told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal.

He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned,

rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: "You're a man of sin!"  He

then walkt out of the room.

Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck her hed into the room and

statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler, and I sed if it was

vittles she ment the weary travler was agreeable, and I follored her

into the next room.

I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored out sum

tea.  She sed nothin, and for five minutes the only live thing in that

room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a subdood and bashful manner

in the corner.  This dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I determined

to talk to the female or bust.  So sez I, "marrige is agin your rules, I

bleeve, marm?"

"Yay."

"The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect?"

"Yay."

"It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest look and

speakin in a winnin voice, "that so fair a made as thow never got

hitched to some likely feller." [N.B.--She was upards of 40 and homely

as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd tickil her.]

"I don't like men!" she sed, very short.

"Wall, I dunno," sez I, "they're a rayther important part of the

populashun.  I don't scacely see how we could git along without 'em."

"Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there was no

men!"

"You'll excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would work.  It

wouldn't be regler."

"I'm fraid of men!" she sed.

"That's onnecessary, marm.  YOU ain't in no danger.  Don't fret yourself

on that pint."

"Here we're shot out from the sinful world.  Here all is peas.  Here

we air brothers and sisters.   We don't marry and consekently we hav no

domestic difficulties.  Husbans don't abooze their wives--wives don't

worrit their husbans.  There's no children here to worrit us.  Nothin

to worrit us here.  No wicked matrimony here.  Would thow like to be a

Shaker?"

"No," sez I, "it ain't my stile."

I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry

comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst pickin my teeth with

a fork.  The female went out, leavin me all alone with the clock.  I

hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hed in at the door.

"You're a man of sin!" he sed, and groaned and went away.

Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and slick lookin

gals as I ever met.  It is troo they was drest in meal bags like the old

one I'd met previsly, and their shiny, silky har was hid from sight

by long white caps, sich as I spose female Josts wear; but their eyes

sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin

enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother if they axed him to.

They comenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the

time.  I got excited.  I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter, and sez I, "my

pretty dears, how air you?"

"We air well," they solumly sed.

"Whar's the old man?" sed I, in a soft voice.

"Of whom dost thow speak--Brother Uriah?"

"I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin.  Shouldn't

wonder if his name was Uriah."

"He has retired."

"Wall, my pretty dears," sez I, "let's have sum fun.  Let's play puss in

the corner.  What say?"

"Air you a Shaker, sir?" they axed.

"Wall my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form in a long weskit

yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd jine 'em.  As it is, I'm a

Shaker pro-temporary."

They was full of fun.  I seed that at fust, only they was a leetle

skeery.  I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like plase, and we had

a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't hear.  When

we broke up, sez I, "my pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objections,

hav you, to a innersent kiss at partin?"

"Yay," they said, and I YAY'D.

I went up stairs to bed.  I spose I'd bin snoozin half an hour when

I was woke up by a noise at the door.  I sot up in bed, leanin on my

elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin picter:  The Elder

stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in his hand.  He hadn't no

wearin appeerel on except his night close, which flutterd in the breeze

like a Seseshun flag.  He sed, "You're a man of sin!" then groaned and

went away.

I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pretty little

Shakeresses mounted on my Californy Bar.  I thawt the Bar insisted on

steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville and that Betsy Jane cum

out and giv us a warm recepshun with a panfull of Bilin water.  I was

woke up arly by the Elder.  He said efreshments was reddy for me down

stairs.  Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away.

As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, I cum

across the Elder and the old female I'd met the night before, and what

d'ye spose they was up to?  Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their

gushingist state.  Sez I, "my Shaker friends, I reckon you'd better

suspend the rules and git married."

"You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female; "he's subjeck to fits

and hain't got no command over hisself when he's into 'em."

"Sartinly," sez I, "I've bin took that way myself frequent."

"You're a man of sin!" sed the Elder.

Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear away the

dishes.

"My pretty dears," sez I, "shall we YAY agin?"

"Nay," they sed, and I NAY'D.

The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav sarvices

that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went.  The meetin house

was as neat as a pin.  The floor was white as chalk and smooth as

glass.  The Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags,

ranged on the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of

the room and the females on tother.  They commenst clappin their hands

and singin and dancin.  They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got

warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you.  Elder Uriah,

in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs,

considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle near where

I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sed: "Hunky boy!  Go it,

my gay and festiv cuss!"

"You're a man of sin!" he sed, continnerin his shuffle.

The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to say a

few remarks.  He sed they was Shakers and all was ekal.  They was the

purest and Seleckest peple on the yearth.  Other peple was sinful as

they could be, but Shakers was all right.  Shakers was all goin kerslap

to the Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar

'em out, if they did they'd git run over.

The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, one of

'em axed me what I thawt of it.

Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy?"

"What?" sez he.

"Why this jumpin up and singin?  This long weskit bizniss, and this

anty-matrimony idee?  My frends, you air neat and tidy.  Your lands is

flowin with milk and honey.  Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass

is honest.  When a man buys a keg of apple sass of you he don't find a

grate many shavins under a few layers of sass--a little Game I'm sorry

to say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss.  Your garding

seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly

I should raise a good mess of garding sass.  You air honest in your

dealins.  You air quiet and don't distarb nobody.  For all this I givs

you credit.  But your religion is small pertaters, I must say.  You

mope away your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by

yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, except when

Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan she sumtimes do.  [I giv

Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old feller squirm like a speared

Eel.]  You wear long weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life

indeed.  No children's prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns--you

air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of

life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits,

and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn.  The gals among you, sum

of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I ever sot eyes on, air syin

to place their heds agin weskits which kiver honest, manly harts, while

you old heds fool yerselves with the idee that they air fulfillin their

mishun here, and air contented.  Here you air all pend up by yerselves,

talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of.  Meanwhile

said world continners to resolve round on her own axletree onct in every

24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of the United States, and is a

very plesant place of residence.  It's a unnatral, onreasonable and

dismal life you're leadin here.  So it strikes me.  My Shaker frends,

I now bid you a welcome adoo.  You hav treated me exceedin well.  Thank

you kindly, one and all.

"A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled wax works!" sed

Uriah.

"Hello, Uriah," sez I, "I'd most forgot you.  Wall, look out for them

fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of your youth

and beauty."

And I resoomed my jerney.

____________________

HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA.

In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Uticky, a trooly grate sitty in

the State of New York.

The people gave me a cordyal recepshun.  The press was loud in her

prases.

1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my usual

flowry stile what was my skorn disgust to see a big burly feller walk

up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's Last Supper, and

cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground.  He

then commenced fur to pound him as hard as he cood.

"What under the son are you abowt?" cried I.

Sez he, "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur?" and he

hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the hed.

Sez I, "You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger--a representashun of

the false 'Postle."

Sez he, "That's all very well fur you to say, but I tell you, old man,

that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn

site!" with which observashun he kaved in Judassis hed.  The young man

belonged to 1 of the first famerlies in Utiky.  I sood him, and the

Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson in the 3d degree.

____________________

CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE.

Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep. the onct, 18&58.--I was summund home

from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the Supervizers of

Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that air

town in refferunse to sellebratin the compleshun of the Sub-Mershine

Tellergraph & axkin me to be Pressunt.  Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax

wurks in a sekure stile I took my departer for Baldinsville--"my own,

my nativ lan," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the follerin

night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware commensin.

Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory.  Near can I forgit the

surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from the Staige with

my umbreller and verlis.  The Tarvern was lit up with taller kandles all

over & a grate bon fire was burnin in frunt thareof.  A Traspirancy

was tied onto the sine post with the follerin wurds--"Giv us Liberty or

Deth."  Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumernated with 5 tin lantuns

and the follerin Transpirancy was in the winder--"The Sub-Mershine

Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank Road--the 2 grate

eventz of the 19th centerry--may intestines strife never mar their

grandjure."  Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablase with kandles and

lantuns.  A American Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder--also

these wurds, viz.--"The Constitooshun must be Presarved."  The Skool

house was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with mottoes

amung which I notised the follerin--"Trooth smashed to erth shall rize

agin--YOU CAN'T STOP HER."  "The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whense

awl but him had Fled."  "Prokrastinashun is the theaf of Time."  "Be

virtoous & you will be Happy."  "Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of

trubble--shun the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by the skool

master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige: "Baldinsville sends greetin

to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore

previs bin felt between the Supervizers of Baldinsville and the British

Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our

Escutchuns.  Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gerlorious event

which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther by means of a elecktric

wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep.  QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A

BUTTER, CATERLINY, PATENT NOSTRUM!"  Squire Smith's house was lited up

regardlis of expense.  His little sun William Henry stood upon the roof

firin orf crackers.  The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer

clothes and stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a

American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his

house.  Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat & wave it round in

a impressive stile.  His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, who has just

cum home from the Perkinsville Female Instertoot, appeared at the frunt

winder in the West room as the goddis of liberty, & sung "I see them

on their windin way."  Booteus I, sed I to myself, "you air a angil &

nothin shorter.  N. Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun,

drest hisself up as Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of

Inderpendunse from the left chambir winder.  The 'Squire's wife didn't

jine in the festiverties.  She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense she

ever seed.  Sez she to the 'Squire, "Cum into the house and go to bed

you old fool, you.  Tomorrer you'll be goin round half-ded with the

rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till you get well."  Sez the

'Squire, "Betsy, you little appresiate the importance of the event which

I this night commererate."  Sez she, "Commemerate a cat's tail--cum

into the house this instant, you pesky old critter."  "Betsy," sez the

'Squire, wavin his sword, "retire."  This made her just as mad as she

could stick.  She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with a panfull

of Bilin hot water which she throwed all over the Squire, & Surs, you

wood have split your sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler

& run into the house.  Except this unpropishus circumstance all went as

merry as a carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez.  Doctor Hutchinsis offiss

was likewise lited up and a Transpirancy, on which was painted the Queen

in the act of drinkin sum of "Hutchinsis invigorater," was stuck into

one of the winders.  The aldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper offiss

was also illumernated, & the follerin mottoes stuck out--"The Press is

the Arkermejian leaver which moves the world."  "Vote Early."  "Buckle

on your Armer."  "Now is the time to Subscribe."  "Franklin, Morse &

Field."  "Terms 1.50 dollars a year--liberal reducshuns to clubs."  In

short the villige of Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar.  I never

seed so many peple thar befour in my born days.  Ile not attemp to

describe the seens of that grate night.  Wurds wood fale me ef I shood

try to do it.  I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my "Oatem

cum dig the tates," as our skool master observes, in the buzzum of

my famerly, & shall then resume the show biznis, which Ive bin into

twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) months."

____________________

AMONG THE SPIRITS.

My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new-fangled ideas about

Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers

has settled here and gone into the Sperret biznis excloosively.  A atemt

was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the Sperret biznis but the

atemt faled.  1 of the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal

creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a mop

handle & drove him out of the house.  I will hear obsarve that Mrs.

Ward is a invalerble womum--the partner of my goys & the shairer of my

sorrers.  In my absunse she watchis my interests & things with a Eagle

Eye & when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile.  Trooly it is

with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. INGOMER in the Play, to whit,--

2 soles with but a single thawt 2 harts which beet as 1.

My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at Squire Smith's.

When I arrove I found the east room chock full includin all the old

maids in the villige & the long hared fellers a4sed.  When I went in

I was salootid with "hear cums the benited man"-- "hear cums the

hory-heded unbeleever"-- "hear cums the skoffer at trooth, " etsettery,

etsettery.

Sez I, "my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your Sperrets."

1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a few

remarks.  He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was movin on to a

Gole.  Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had and thay wood

git to the Gole the soonerest.  Sum men was beests & wood never git into

the Gole at all.  He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immaterial,

and hens man was different from the Erth.  The Erth, continnered the

speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as man

haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve.  He sed the ethereal essunce of

the koordinate branchis of super-human natur becum mettymorfussed as

man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized

theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers.  (This was

versifferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get

along as pleasant as possible, I sung out "bully for you, old boy.")

The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle kommenst to go it.

Thay axed me if thare was an body in the Sperret land which I wood like

to convarse with.  I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in

the show biznis, was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few

periods.

"Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" sed 1 of the long hared

chaps, and there was three knox on the table.

Sez I, "William, how goze it, Old Sweetness?"

"Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide.

That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other when he was in

the flesh.

"Air you in the show bizniz, William?" sed I.

He sed he was.  He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a side show

in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus.  He sed old Bun

(meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils & ground the organ while he

tended door.  Occashunally Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song.  The Circus

was doin middlin well.  Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob

Ridley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of

hossmanship without saddul or bridal.  Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land &

expected it would knock the peple.

Sez I, "William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13 dollars you owe

me?"  He sed no with one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiunsed.

The Sircle sed he had gone.  "Air you gone, William?" I axed.

"Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it as no use to pursoo the subjeck

furder.

I then called fur my farther.

"How's things, daddy?"

"Middlin, my son, middlin."

"Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?"

"Scacely."

"Why not, my parient?"

"Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son.  Bimeby

you'll lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty.  When I helpt

you into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that there profeshun.

Litteratoor is low."

He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut biznis &

liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm.

When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it.

Sez I, "My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23 years.

Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United States which sez in

effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my

sentiments to a hare.  You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I

think it is a little mixt.  Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out &

out Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his

fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple.  He eats all the

dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big words, scarein

the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evry

famerlee he enters.  He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society &

a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils.  Admittin all you say

abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit

rappers--them as makes a biznis on it--air abowt the most ornery set of

cusses I ever enkountered in my life.  So sayin I put on my surtoot and

went home.

Respectably Yures,

Artemus Ward.

____________________

ON THE WING.

Gents of the Editorial Corpse.--

Since I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin my show in

varis places, particly at Detroit.  I put up at Mr. Russel's tavern, a

very good tavern too, but I am sorry to inform you that the clerks

tried to cum a Gouge Game on me.  I brandished my new sixteen dollar

huntin-cased watch round considerable, & as I was drest in my store

clothes & had a lot of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free

to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay.  It never once struck me

that I lookt green.  But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better put

my watch in the Safe.  "Sir," sez I, "that watch cost sixteen dollars!

Yes, Sir, every dollar of it!  You can't cum it over me, my boy!  Not

at all, Sir."  I know'd what the clerk wanted.  He wanted that watch

himself.  He wanted to make believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe,

then he would set the house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was

destroyed with the other property!  But he caught a Tomarter when he

got hold of me.  From Detroit I go West'ard hoe.  On the cars was

a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one hand and a

handful of Reform tracks in the other.  She sed every woman should have

a Spear.  Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know what was good

for them.  "What is my Spear?" she axed, addressing the people in the

cars.  "Is it to stay at home & darn stockins & be the ser-LAVE of a

domineerin man?  Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the

ekal of a man?  Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper

Spear?"  Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round

several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it.

"I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness," sez I, "but

you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril.  Don't Spear me agin, if you

please."  She sot down.

At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faintness, I called for a drop

of suthin to drink.  As I was stirrin the beverage up, a pale-faced man

in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoulder, & sed, "Look not upon

the wine when it is red!"

Sez I, "This ain't wine.  This is Old Rye."

"'It stingeth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent!'" sed the man.

"I guess not," sed I, "when you put sugar into it.  That's the way I

allers take mine."

"Have you sons grown up, sir?" the man axed.

"Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, "my son Artemus

junior is goin on 18."

"Ain't you afraid if you set this example be4 him he'll cum to a bad

end?"

"He's cum to a waxed end already.  He's learnin the shoe makin

bizness," I replide.  "I guess we can both on us git along without your

assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as he was about to open his mouth agin.

"This is a cold world!" sed the man.

"That's so.  But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if you don't

mind your own bizness better."  I was a little riled at the feller,

because I never take anythin only when I'm onwell.  I arterwards learned

he was a temperance lecturer, and if he can injuce men to stop settin

their inards on fire with the frightful licker which is retailed round

the country, I shall hartily rejoice.  Better give men Prusick Assid to

onct, than to pizen 'em to deth by degrees.

At Albion I met with overwhelmin success.  The celebrated Albion Female

Semenary is located here, & there air over 300 young ladies in the

Institushun, pretty enough to eat without seasonin or sass.  The young

ladies was very kind to me, volunteerin to pin my handbills onto the

backs of their dresses.  It was a surblime site to see over 300 young

ladies goin round with a advertisement of A. Ward's onparaleld show,

conspickusly posted onto their dresses.

They've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take Western money.

It never was worth much, and when western men, who knows what it is,

refooze to take their own money it is about time other folks stopt

handlin it.  Banks are bustin every day, goin up higher nor any balloon

of which we hav any record.  These western bankers air a sweet & luvly

set of men.  I wish I owned as good a house as some of 'em would break

into!

Virtoo is its own reward.

A. Ward.

____________________

THE OCTOROON.

It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that I rite

you these here lines.   Sum of the hiest and most purest feelins whitch

actoate the humin hart has bin trampt onto.  The Amerycan flag has bin

outrajed.  Ive bin nussin a Adder in my Boozum.  The fax in the kase is

these here:

A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N.Y.fur to git out my

flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane, & as I was peroosin a

noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in speckterkuls kum & sot down

beside onto me.  He was drest in black close & was appeerently as fine a

man as ever was.

"A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say.

"Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho he peered to be

as fine a man as there was in the wurld--"It is a middlin fine day,

Square," I obsarved.

Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of country?"

Sez I, "We don't hav no ships in our State--the kanawl is our best

holt."

He pawsed a minit and then sed, "Air yu aware, Sir, that the krisis is

with us?"

"No," sez I, getting up and lookin under the seet, "whare is she?"

"It's hear--it's everywhares," he sed.

Sez I, "Why how you tawk!" and I gut up agin & lookt all round. "I must

say, my fren," I continnered, as I resoomed my seet, "that I kan't see

nothin of no krisis myself."  I felt sumwhat alarmed, & arose & in a

stentoewrian voice obsarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there

kar had a krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it

to onct or suffer the konsequences.  Several individoouls snickered rite

out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a pinc gown made the

observashun, "He, he."

"Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close, "yu miskomprehend me.

I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are orecast with black klouds,

4boden a friteful storm."

"Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts I don't know

as how but what they is as good as enny other kind of ellerfunts.  But

I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set & unpleasant to hav around.

they air powerful hevy eaters & take up a right smart chans of room, &

besides thay air as ugly and revenjeful, as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with

13 inches of corn whisky in his stummick."  The man in black close

seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the wurld.  He smilt & sed

praps I was rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of ellerfunts that he was

alludin to, & axed me what was my prinserpuls?

"I haint gut enny," sed I--"not a prinserpul.  Ime in the show biznis."

The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed to be as fine a man

as ever was in the wurld.

"But," sez he, "you hav feelins into you? You cimpathize with the

misfortunit, the loly & the hart-sick, don't you?" He bust into teers

and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the seet out yender, pintin to as

slick a lookin gal as I ever seed.

Sed I, "2 be shure I see her--is she mutch sick?"  The man in black

close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was in the wurld ennywhares.

"Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close.  "Let me git my mowth

fernenst yure ear.  Hush--SHESE A OCTOROON!"

"No!" sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, "yu don't say so! How long

has she bin in that way?"

"Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he.

"Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur?" I inquired.

"She kan't help it," sed the man in black close.  "It's the brand of

Kane."

"Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide.

"I sed the brand of Kane was upon her--not brandy, my fren. Yure very

obtoose."

I was konsiderbul riled at this.  Sez I, "My gentle Sir, Ime a

nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no rows with

nobuddy, but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's hed that calls me

a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst fur to pull orf my extry

garmints. "Cum on," sez I--"Time! hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye!" &

I darnced round like a poppit.  He riz up in his seet & axed my

pardin--sed it was all a mistake--that I was a good man, etsettery,

& sow 4th, & we fixt it all up pleasant.  I must say the man in black

close seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the wurld.  He sed a

Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow.  He likewise statid that the female

he was travlin with was formurly a slave in Mississippy; that she'd

purchist her freedim & now wantid to purchiss the freedim of her poor

old muther, who (the man in black close obsarved) was between 87 years

of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 hired men, whitch it

was rapidly breakin down her konstitushun. He sed he knowed the minit he

gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd donate librully & axed

me to go over & see her, which I accordingly did.  I sot down beside her

and sed, "yure Sarvant, Marm!  How do yer git along?"

She bust in 2 teers & sed, "O Sur, I'm so retchid--I'm a poor unfortunit

Octoroon."

"So I larn.  Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it," sed I, fur I

never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time of my life.  She had

on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with Berage trimmins onto it,

while her ise & kurls was enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond

without biddin his relashuns good-by.  I pittid the Octoroon from the

inmost recusses of my hart & hawled out 50 dollars kerslap, & told her

to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul.  Sez she "kine sir mutch

thanks."  She then lade her hed over onto my showlder & sed I was "old

rats."  I was astonished to heer this obsarvation, which I knowd was

never used in refined society & I perlitely but emfattercly shovd her

hed away.

Sez I "Marm, I'm trooly sirprized."

Sez she, "git out.  Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit.  Give

us anuther 50!"  Had a seleck assortment of the most tremenjious

thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more takin

aback.  I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat tales & in a wild voise

cride, "No, Ile never desart you--let us fli together to a furrin

shoor!"

Sez I, "not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to get awa from

her.  "This is plade out," I sed, whereupon she jerkt me back into the

seet.  "Leggo my coat, you scandaluss female," I roared, when she set up

the most unarthly yellin and hollerin you ever heerd.  The passinjers

& the gentlemunly konducter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever

experiunsed sich a rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase.  The man

in black close rusht up to me & sed "How dair yu insult my neece, you

horey heded vagabone.  You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers--yu woolf

in sheep's close," & sow 4th.

I was konfoozed.  I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and offered 5

dollars reward to enny gentleman of good morrul carracter who wood tell

me whot my name was & what town I livd into.  The konducter kum to me &

sed the insultid parties wood settle for 50 dollars, which I immejitly

hawled out, & agane implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully,

& if I shood be thare a grate while my self ef things went on as

they'd bin goin fur sum time back.  I then axed if there was enny more

Octoroons present, "becawz," sez I, "ef there is, let um cum along, fur

Ime in the Octoroon bizniss."  I then threw my specterculs out of the

winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed highsterically &

fell under a seet.  I lay there sum time & fell asleep.  I dreamt

Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carried orf by Ryenosserhosses & that

Baldinsville had bin captered by a army of Octoroons.  When I awoked

the lamps was a burnin dimly.  Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like

pawpusses & the little damsell in the pinc gown was a singin "Oft in

the Silly nite."  The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black

close was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'de bin

swindild.

____________________

OBERLIN.

About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio.  Oberlin is whare the

celebrated college is.  In fack, Oberlin IS the college, everything else

in that air vicinity resolvin around excloosivly for the benefit of that

institution.  It is a very good college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung

men go there annooally to git intelleck into 'em.  But its my onbiassed

'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin.  But

that's nun of my bisniss.  I'm into the Show bizness.  Yit as a faithful

historan I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white peple can't

find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit, there bein such

a numerosity of cullerd pussons in the town.

As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfesser Peck for

the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my wax works and

beests of Pray into.  Kolonial Hall is in the college and is used by the

stujents to speak peaces and read essays into.

Sez Perfesser Peck, "Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout this bizniss.  What

are your sentiments?"

Sez I, "I hain't got any."

"Good God!" cried the Perfesser, "did I understan you to say you hav no

sentiments!"

"Nary a sentiment!" sez I.

"Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three million and a

half of your culled brethren air a clankin their chains in the South?"

Sez I, "Not a bile!  Let 'em clank!"

He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a stopper on

him.  Sez I, "Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my name & Americky is my

nashun; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is my station, and I've bin in

the show bizniss goin on 22 years.  The pint is, can I hav your Hall by

payin a fair price?  You air full of sentiments.  That's your lay, while

I'm a exhibiter of startlin curiosities.  What d'ye say?"

"Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind, and while I

deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments I'll let you hav the

hall provided your exhibition is of a moral & elevatin nater."

Sez I, "Tain't nothin shorter."

So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite with

stujents, &c.  Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when

that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of his onarthly

yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, the Perfesser objected.

"Suffer not your angry pashums to rise up at the poor annimil's little

excentrissities," said the Perfesser.

"Do you call such conduck as THOSE a little excentrissity?" I axed.

"I do," sed he; sayin which he walked up to the cage and se zhe, "let's

try moral swashun upon the poor creeter."  So he put his hand upon the

Kangeroo's hed and sed, "poor little fellow--poor little fellow--your

master is very crooil, isn't he, my untootered frend," when the

Kangaroo, with a terrific yell, grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum

very near chawin it orf.  It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up

and scream with pane.  Sez I, "that's one of the poor little fellow's

excentrissities!"

Sez he, "Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quadruped.  He's totally

depraved.  I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and

meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and severe punishment to the

vishus beest," I hosswhipt the little cuss for upwards of 15 minutes.

Guess I licked sum of his excentrissity out of him.

Oberlin is a grate plase.  The College opens with a prayer and then

the New York Tribune is read.  A kolleckshun is then taken up to buy

overkoats with red horn buttons onto them for the indignant cullured

people of Kanady.  I have to contribit librally two the glowrius work,

as they kawl it hear.  I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front

seets in my show for the cullered peple.  At the Boardin House the

cullered peple sit at the first table.  What they leeve is maid into

hash for the white peple.  As I don't like the idee of eatin my vittles

with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the konsequence is I've

devowered so much hash that my inards is in a hily mixt up condishun.

Fish bones hav maid their appearance all over my boddy and pertater

peelins air a springin up through my hair.  Howsever I don't mind it.

I'm gittin along well in a pecunery pint of view.  The College has

konfired upon me the honery title of T.K., of which I'm suffishuntly

prowd.

____________________

THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP.

Thare was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter Betsy Jane.  Her

father's farm jined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst

at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in their forreds;

the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same period; our

parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same

meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, "How thick the Wards and

Peasleys air!"  It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to

see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so

thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly Bilin sope together & aboozin the

nabers.

Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsunt

tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly Buzzum.  I'd try to

do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin the roof of my mowth & stick

thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan or a country postmaster to his

offiss, while my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat

Flale agin a barn floor.

'Twas a carm still nite in Joon.  All nater was husht and nary a zeffer

disturbed the sereen silens.  I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of

her farther's pastur.  We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flours

& drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long

sticks.  Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro,

blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted,

and lookin very simple, I make no doubt.  My left arm was ockepied in

ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was woundid luvinly round

her waste.

I cleared my throat and tremblin sed, "Betsy, you're a Gazelle."

I thought that air was putty fine.  I waitid to see what effeck it would

hav upon her.  It evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed,

"You're a sheep!"

Sez I, "Betsy, I think very muchly of you."

"I don't b'leeve a word you say--so there now cum!" with which

obsarvashun she hitched away from me.

"I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could see some

of my feelins.  There's fire enuff in here," sed I, strikin my buzzum

with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in the naberhood.

Versoovius and the Critter ain't a circumstans!"

She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings to her sun bonnet.

"Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with on your

account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me & how my lims has

shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me.  Gase on this wastin form and these

'ere sunken cheeks"--

I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum time, but

unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the pastur ker smash,

tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself ginerally.

Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and dragged me

4th.  Then drawin herself up to her full hite she sed:

"I won't listen to your noncents no longer.  Jes say rite strate out

what you're drivin at.  If you mean gettin hitched, I'M IN!"

I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and we

proceeded immejitely to the parson's, & was made 1 that very nite.

(Notiss to the Printer: Put some stars here.)

* * * * * * * *

I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane has bin

troo as steel.  By attendin strickly to bizniss I've amarsed a handsum

Pittance.  No man on this footstool can rise & git up & say I ever

knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show

is ekalled by few and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful

colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a

endliss variety of life-size wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in

Ameriky--the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin

public.

____________________

THE CRISIS.

[This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the war.]

On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, resuntly, my feller

sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate to 'em on the Krysis.  I

excepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 a C of upturned faces in

the Red Skool House.  I spoke nearly as follers:

Baldinsvillins: Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I have abstrained

from having any sentimunts or principles, my pollertics, like my

religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin character.  But the fack can't

be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us, & I feel it's my dooty

to accept your invite for one consecutive nite only.  I spose the

inflammertory individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis

know what good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't

scacely.  But the Krysis is hear.  She's bin hear for sevral weeks, &

Goodness nose how long she'll stay.  But I venter to assert that she's

rippin things.  She's knockt trade into a cockt up hat and chaned

Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever chaned any of my livin wild

Beests.  Alow me to hear dygress & stait that my Beests at presnt is as

harmless as the newborn Babe.  Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on

that pint.  To resoom--Altho I can't exactly see what good this Krysis

can do, I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her is.  The

origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother.  I was into BARNIM'S Moozeum down

to New York the other day & saw that exsentric Etheopian, the What Is

It.  Sez I, "Mister What Is It, you folks air raisin thunder with

this grate country.  You're gettin to be ruther more numeris than

interestin.  It is a pity you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves, &

be a nation of What Is Its, tho' if you'll excoose me, I shooden't care

about marryin among you.  No dowt you're exceedin charmin to hum, but

your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to this cold climit.  He larfed

into my face, which rather Riled me, as I had been perfeckly virtoous

and respectable in my observashuns.  So sez I, turnin a leetle red in

the face, I spect, "Do you hav the unblushin impoodents to say you folks

haven't raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister What Is

It?"  He larfed agin, wusser nor be4, whareupon I up and sez, "Go home,

Sir, to Afriky's burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along

with you.  Don't think we can spair your interestin picters.  You What

Is Its air on the pint of smashin up the gratest Guv'ment ever erected

by man, & you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about it.  Go home,

you low cuss!"

I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a Restorator & cooled

orf with some little fishes biled in ile--I b'leeve thay call 'em

sardeens.

Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother.  Sevral hily

respectyble gentlemen, and sum talentid females tell us so, & fur

argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve it

myself.  But the Afrikan isn't our sister & our wife & our uncle.  He

isn't sevral of our brothers & all our fust wife's relashuns.  He

isn't our grandfather, and our grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the

country.  Scacely.  & yit numeris persons would have us think so.  It's

troo he runs Congress & sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't

everybody & everybody else likewise.  [Notiss to bizness men of VANITY

FAIR:  Extry charg fur this larst remark.  It's a goak.--A.W.]

But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, & now what air we

going to do about it?  He's a orful noosanse.  Praps he isn't to blame

fur it.  Praps he was creatid fur sum wise purpuss, like the measles and

New Englan Rum, but it's mity hard to see it.  At any rate he's no good

here, & as I statid to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf

sumwhares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & speckled

neckties, & gratterfy his ambishun in varis interestin wase, without

havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him.

Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon Cuffy.  Cum to think on it, I am.

He woodn't be sich a infernal noosanse if white peple would let him

alone.  He mite indeed be interestin.  And now I think of it, why can't

the white peple let him alone.  What's the good of continnerly stirrin

him up with a ten-foot pole?  He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery

when in a natral stait.

Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger.  The black devil Disunion is

trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face!  We must drive him

back.  Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of ourselves?  Shall we sell our

birthrite for a mess of potash?  Shall one brother put the knife to the

throat of anuther brother?  Shall we mix our whisky with each other's

blud?  Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths?

Standin here in this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shor so to speak, I

anser--Nary!

Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust place startid

it, I'm 'shamed of you.  The Showman blushes for you, from his boots to

the topmost hair upon his wenerable hed.

Feller Sitterzens: I am in the Sheer & Yeller leaf.  I shall peg out 1

of these dase.  But while I do stop here I shall stay in the Union.  I

know not what the supervizers of Baldinsville may conclude to do, but

for one, I shall stand by the Stars & Stripes.  Under no circumstances

whatsomever will I sesesh.  Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let

Palmetter flags flote thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line,

still will I stick to the good old flag.  The country may go to the

devil, but I won't!  And next Summer when I start out on my campane with

my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, you shall see floatin prowdly

from the center pole thereof the Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped

out, nary a stripe less, but the same old flag that has allers flotid

thar! & the price of admishun will be the same it allers was--15 cents,

children half price.

Feller Sitterzens, I am dun.  Accordinly I squatted.

____________________

WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKESPEARE.

ONTO THE WING----1859.

Mr. Editor:

I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth and trust

these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins. I wood also

state that I'm now on the summir kampane.  As the Poit sez--

ime erflote, ime erflote   On the Swift rollin tied      An the Rovir is

free. Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my foode

and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin.  The barked arrers of

slandur has bin leviled at the undersined moren onct sins heze bin into

the show bizness, but I make bold to say no man on this footstule kan

troothfully say I ever ronged him or eny of his folks.  I'm travelin

with a tent, which is better nor hirin hauls.  My show konsists of a

serious of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of

the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst

little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus stile.  I

started out with the idear of makin my show a grate Moral Entertainment,

but I'm kompeled to sware so much at that air infurnal Kangeroo that I'm

frade this desine will be flustratid to some extent.  And while speakin

of morrality, remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows

like mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be patrernized by peplpeple

of high degree.  Sirs, I manetane that this is infernul nonsense.

I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than awl the plays ever

wroten.  Take Shakespeer for instunse.  Peple think heze grate things,

but I kontend heze quite the reverse to the kontrary.  What sort of

sense is thare to King Leer, who goze round cussin his darters, chawin

hay and throin straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and

makin a ass of hisself ginerally?  Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth--sheze a nise

kind of woomon to have round ain't she, a puttin old Mack, her husband,

up to slayin Dunkan with a cheeze knife, while heze payin a frendly

visit to their house.  O its hily morral, I spoze, when she larfs wildly

and sez, "gin me the daggurs--Ile let his bowels out," or wurds to

that effeck--I say, this is awl, strickly, propper I spoze?  That Jack

Fawlstarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and

Hamlick is as crazy as a loon.  Thare's Richurd the Three, peple think

heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a monkster.  He

kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, and then goze to

sleep in his tent.  Bimeby he wakes up and yells for a hoss so he kan

go orf and kill some more peple.  If he isent a fit spesserman for the

gallers then I shood like to know whare you find um.  Thare's Iargo

who is more ornery nor pizun.  See how shameful he treated that hily

respecterble injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve

his wife was too thick with Casheo.  Obsarve how Iargo got Casheo

drunk as a biled owl on corn whiskey in order to karry out his sneekin

desines.  See how he wurks Mister Otheller's feelins up so that he goze

and makes poor Desdemony swaller a piller which cawses her deth.  But

I must stop.  At sum futur time I shall continner my remarks on the

drammer in which I shall show the varst supeeriority of wax figgers and

snakes over theater plays, in a interlectooal pint of view.

Very Respectively yures,           A WARD, T.K.

____________________

AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.

(Some queer people, calling themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing

very original ideas about life and morality, established themselves

at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few years since.  Public opinion was

resistlessly against them, however, and the association was soon

disbanded.)

Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner to the breeze,

in Berlin Hites, Ohio.  I had hearn that Berlin Hites was ockepied by a

extensive seck called Free Lovers, who beleeved in affinertys and sich,

goin back on their domestic ties without no hesitation whatsomever.

They was likewise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral

principles.  If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by showin them

my onparalleld show at the usual low price of admitants, methunk, I

shell not hav lived in vane.  But bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot

foot in the retchid place.  I sot up my tent in a field near the

Love Cure, as they called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to

congregate around the door.  A onreer set I have never sawn.  The men's

faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half-starved to deth.

They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they sed) of allowin the

free air of hevun to blow onto their boozums.  Their pockets was filled

with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed.  They sed the

Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they?  That was their stile of

argyment.  The wimin was wuss than the men.  They wore trowsis, short

gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton

umbrellers.

Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself at the

door.  Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trowsis was shameful to

behold.

She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, in a wild

voice:

"Ah, can it be?"

"Which?" sed I.

"Yes, 'tis troo, O 'tis troo!"

"15 cents, marm," I anserd.

She bust out a cryin & sed:

"And so I hav found you at larst--at larst, O at larst!"

"Yes," I anserd, "you hav found me at larst, and you would hav found me

at fust, if you had cum sooner."

She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her umbreller

wildly round, exclaimed:

"Air you a man?"

Sez I, "I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address Mrs. A.

Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will probly giv you

the desired informashun."

"Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid?"

"Madam, I istest!"

The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and hollered:

"You air mine, O you air mine!"

"Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her.  But she clung to me

and sed:

"You air my Affinerty!"

"What upon arth is that?" I shouted.

"Dost thou not know?"

"No, I dostent!"

"Listin man, & I'll tell ye!" sed the strange female; "for years I hav

yearned for thee.  I knowd thou wast in the world, sumwhares, tho I

didn't know whare.  My hart sed he would cum and I took courage.  He HAS

cum--he's here--you air him--you air my Affinerty! O 'tis too mutch! too

mutch!" and she sobbed agin.

"Yes," I anserd, "I think it is a darn site too mutch!"

"Hast thou not yearned for me?" she yelled, ringin her hands like a

female play acter.

"Not a yearn!" I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her away from

me.

The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene commenst for to

holler "shame" "beast," etsettery, etsettery.

I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare tent stake, I

addrest them as follers: "You pussylanermus critters, go way from me and

take this retchid woman with you.  I'm a law-abidin man, and beleeve in

good, old-fashioned institutions.  I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble

me if I am a showman!  I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents,

besides bein outrajusly wicked.  Why don't you behave desunt like other

folks?  Go to work and earn a honist livin and not stay round here

in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the moral atmosphere with your

pestifrous ideas!  You wimin folks go back to your lawful husbands if

you've got any, and take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis,

and dress respectful like other wimin.  You men folks, cut orf them

pirattercal whiskers, burn up them infurnel pamplits, put sum weskuts

on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin the sile."

I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out of breth, when I

stopt.  I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not if I live to be as old as

Methooseler.

____________________

A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG.

It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, since I

crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of Jold.  While crossin

the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble red men of the forest

(N.B.  This is rote Sarcasticul.  Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,)

which thay Sed I was their Brother, & wanted for to smoke the Calomel

of Peace with me.  Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery,

skalpt my orgin grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop.  Durin the Cheaf's

techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin Grounds.

If he duz thare will be a fite.  But enuff of this ere.  Reven Noose

Muttons, as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into him, cussycally

obsarve.

I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time.  At Camp Scott there was a lot of

U.S. sogers, hosstensibly sent out there to smash the Mormons but really

to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin

games.  I got acquainted with sum of the officers.  Thay lookt putty

scrumpshus in their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very

talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my

wax figgers agin the hull party.

My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, so I called on

Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the mormins and axed his permishun

to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis.  He lookt

at me in a austeer manner for a few minits, and sed:

"Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculateness of the Mormin

Church and the Latter-day Revelashuns?"

Sez I, "I'm on it!"  I make it a pint to git along plesunt, tho I didn't

know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at.  He sed I mite

show.

"You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve?" sez I, preparin to rite

him sum free parsis.

"I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward.  I sertinly am married."

"How do you like it as far as you hev got?" sed I.

He sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his famerly,

to which I replide that I wouldn't mine minglin with the fair Seck &

Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin wives.  He accordingly

tuk me to his Scareum.  The house is powerful big & in a exceedin large

room was his wives & children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin

enuff to take the roof rite orf the house.  The wimin was of all sizes

and ages.  Sum was pretty & sum was Plane--sum was helthy and sum was on

the Wayne--which is verses, tho sich was not my intentions, as I don't

'prove of puttin verses in Proze rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can

Jerk a Poim ekal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fellers.

"My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.

"Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which a red-heded

female brawt me.

"Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed Yung, "I hav eighty

more in varis parts of this consecrated land which air Sealed to me."

"Which?" sez I, gittin up & starin at him.

"Sealed, Sir! sealed."

"Whare bowts?" sez I.

"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed!"  He spoke in a traggerdy voice.

"Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate extent, Sir?"

I axed.

"Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, "don't you know that the

rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev as meny wives as I

wants?"

"Jes so," I sed.  "You are old pie, ain't you?"

"Them as is Sealed to me--that is to say, to be mine when I wants

um--air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mister Yung.

"Long may thay wave!" sez I, seein I shood git into a scrape ef I didn't

look out.

In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin fax:  It

takes him six weeks to kiss his wives.  He don't do it only onct a

yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house.  He don't pretend to know his

children, thare is so many of um, tho they all know him.  He sez about

every child he meats call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so.

His wives air very expensiv.  Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't

buy it for um thay set the house in a uproar.  He sez he don't have a

minit's peace.  His wives fite amung their selves so much that he has

bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em get

into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, whare the dispoot is

settled accordin to the rules of the London prize ring.  Sum times thay

abooz hisself individooally.  Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out

at the roots & he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted

with mop-handles, broom-sticks, and sich.  Occashunly they git mad &

scald him with bilin hot water.  When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut

him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers

when thare orfsprings git onruly.  Sumptimes when he went in swimmin

thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all his close, thereby

compellin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the

Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv.  "I find that the keers of a marrid

life way hevy onto me," sed the Profit, "& sumtimes I wish I'd remaned

singel."  I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up

to.  On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they

surroundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free.

"Wall," sez I, "ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks

into his show free, I'll let you know."

"We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Wards's Show without payin

nothin!" thay showtid.

"Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by the cote

tales & swingin me round very rapid, "we're all goin in free!  So sez

the Revelashun!"

"What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show?" sez I, gittin putty

rily.  "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full

hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a prowd & defiant mean,

"tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own bizness, subject only to the

Konstitushun of the United States!"

"Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femails, puttin

thare arms round me in luvin style.  "Become 1 of us.  Becum a Preest &

hav wives Sealed to you."

"Not a Seal!" sez I, startin back in horror at the idee.

"Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tell, gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed 37

summirs must hev parsd, "stay, & I'll be your Jentle Gazelle."

"Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I.  "Awa you skanderlus femaile,

awa!  Go & be a Nunnery!" That's what I sed, jes so.

"& I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than too hundred

lbs, "I will be your sweet gidin Star!"

Sez I, "Ile bet two dollers and a half you won't!"  Whare ear I may Rome

Ile still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane!  [N.B. Betsy Jane is my wife's

Sir naime.]

"Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land?" sed several of the

miserabil critters.

"Ile see you all essenshally cussed be4 I wiltist!" roared I, as mad as

I cood be at thare infernul noncents.  I girdid up my Lions & fled the

Seen.  I packt up my duds & Left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum &

Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as

ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe.

____________________

THE PRESS.

I WANT the editors to cum to my Show free as the flours of May, but I

don't want um to ride a free hoss to deth.  Thare is times when Patience

seizes to be virtoous.  I hev "in my mind's eye, Hurrashio " (cotashun

from Hamlick) sum editers in a sertin town which shall be nameless, who

air Both sneakin and ornery.  They cum in krowds to my Show and then axt

me ten sents a lines for Puffs.  I objectid to payin, but they sed ef

I didn't down with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the face of the

earth!  Thay sed the Press was the Arkymedian Leaver which moved the

wurld.  I put up to their extorshuns until thay'd bled me so I was a

meer shadder, and left in disgust.

It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther of Presidents & things,

that I was shaimfully aboozed by a editor in human form.  He set my Show

up steep & kalled me the urbane bane & gentlemunly manajer, but when I,

fur the purpuss of showin fair play all around, went to anuther offiss

to git my handbills printed, what duz this pussillanermus editer do but

change his toon & abooze me like a Injun.  He sed my wax works was a

humbug & called me a horey-heded itinerent vagabone.  I thort at fust

Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Beneshy Boy, but on reflectin that he

cood pollish me much wuss in his paper, I giv it up.  & I wood here

take occashun to advise peple when thay run agin, as thay sumtimes will,

these miserable papers, to not pay no attenshun to um.  Abuv all, don't

assault a editer of this kind.  It only gives him a note rosity, which

is jest what he wants, & don't do you no more good than it wood to jump

into enny other mud puddle.  Editers are generally fine men, but there

must be black sheep in every flock.

____________________

EDWIN FOREST AS OTHELLO.

Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see Edwin

Forrest.  As I'm into the moral show bizness myself, I ginrally go to

Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral peple air admitted, pertickly on

Wednesday arternoons.  But this time I thot I'd go & see Ed.  Ed has bin

actin out on the stage for many years.  There is varis 'pinions about

his actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to Mister

Macready; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed draws like a six

ox team.  Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, which looks considerable more

like a parster, than a garding, but let that pars.  I sot down in the

pit, took out my spectacles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill.  The

awjince was all-fired large & the boxes was full of the elitty of

New York.  Several opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest

darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebby I did take

out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round more than was

necessary.  But the best of us has our weaknesses & if a man has gewelry

let him show it.  As I was peroosin the bill a grave young man who

sot near me axed me if I'd ever seen Forrest dance the Essence of Old

Virginny?  "He's immense in that," sed the young man.  "He also does a

fair champion jig," the young man continnerd, "but his Big Thing is the

Essence of Old Virginny."  Sez I, "Fair youth, do you know what I'd do

with you if you was my sun?"

"No," sez he.

"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral tomorrow arternoon, & the KORPS

SHOULD BE READY!  You're too smart to live on this yearth."  He

didn't try any more of his capers on me.  But another pussylanermus

individooul, in a red vest & patent lether boots, told me his name was

Bill Astor & axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin.

I told him I'd probly send it round to him before he retired to his

virtoous couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon

as I cut my corn.  The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their

might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they applaudid

versifrussly.  Presently, Old Ed cum out.  The play was Otheller or More

of Veniss.  Otheller was writ by Wm. Shakspeer.  The scene is laid in

Veniss.  Otheller was a likely man & was a ginral in the Veniss army.

He eloped with Desdemony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who

represented one of the back districks in the Veneshun legislater.  Old

Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this & tore round considerable, but

finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony had come

it over her Par, & that he had better look out or she'd come it over

him likewise.  Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along very comfortable like for a

spell.  She is sweet-tempered and luvin--a nice, sensible female, never

goin in for he-female conventions, green cotton umbrellers, and pickled

beats.  Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the world of his

wife.  She has a lazy time of it, the hired girl doin all the cookin and

washin.  Desdemony, in fact, don't have to git the water to wash her

own hands with.  But a low cuss named Iago, who I bleeve wants to git

Otheller out of his snug government birth, now goes to work & upsets

the Otheller family in the most outrajus stile.  Iago falls in with a

brainless youth named Roderigo & wins all his money at poker.

(Iago allers played foul.)  He thus got money enuff to carry out his

onprincipled skeem.  Mike Cassio, a Irishman, is selected as a tool by

Iago.  Mike was a clever feller & orficer in Otheller's army.  He liked

his tods too well, howsever, & they floored him, as they have many other

promisin young men.  Iago injuces Mike to drink with him, Iago slyly

throwin his whiskey over his shoulder.  Mike gits as drunk as a biled

owl & allows that he can lick a yard full of the Veneshun fancy before

breakfast, without sweatin a hair.  He meets Roderigo & proceeds for to

smash him.  A feller named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, when that

infatooated person runs his sword into him.  That miserble man, Iago,

pretents to be very sorry to see Mike conduck hisself in this way &

undertakes to smooth the thing over to Otheller, who rushes in with a

drawn sword & wants to know what's up.  Iago cunningly tells his story,

& Otheller tells Mike that he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't

train no more in his regiment.  Desdemony sympathizes with poor Mike &

interceeds for him with Otheller.  Iago makes him bleeve she does this

because she thinks more of Mike than she does of hisself.  Otheller

swallers Iago's lyin tail & goes to makin a noosence of hisself

ginrally.  He worries poor Desdemony terrible by his vile insinuations,

& finally smothers her to deth with a piller.  Mrs. Iago cums in just as

Otheller has finished the fowl deed & givs him fits right & left, showin

him that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a husband.

Iago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him down also, when he stabs

her.  Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts a small hole in his stummick

with his sword.  Iago pints to Desdemony's deth bed & goes orf with a

sardonic smile onto his countenance.  Otheller tells the peple that he

has dun the state sum service & they know it; axes them to do as fair a

thing as they can for him under the circumstances, & kills hisself with

a fish-knife, which is the most sensible thing he can do.  This is a

breef skedule of the synopsis of the play.

Edwin Forrest is a grate acter.  I thot I saw Otheller before me all

the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I found my spectacles was

still mistened with salt-water, which had run from my eyes while poor

Desdemony was dyin.  Betsy Jane--Betsy Jane!  let us pray that our

domestic bliss may never be busted up by a Iago!

Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage.  He gits five-hundred

dollars a nite & his board & washin.  I wish I had such a Forrest in my

Garding!

____________________

THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES.

I feel that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to ornyment, is bein

usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled, tho in my pinion thay air

poplar humbugs.  Individoouls, who git hard up, embark in the lecturin

biznis.  They cram theirselves with hi-sounding frazis, frizzle up their

hare, git trustid for a soot of black close & cum out to lectur at 50

dollers a pop.  Thay aint over stockt with branes, but thay hav brass

enuff to make suffishunt kittles to bile all the sope that will be

required by the ensooin sixteen ginerashuns.  Peple flock to heer um in

krowds.  The men go becawz its poplar & the wimin folks go to see what

other wimin folks have on.  When its over the lecturer goze & ragales

hisself with oysters and sich, while the peple say, "What a charmin

lectur that air was," etsettery, etsettery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't

have no moore idee of what the lecturer sed than my kangeroo has of the

sevunth speer of hevun.  Thare's moore infurmashun to be gut out of a

well conductid noospape--price 3 sents--than thare is out of ten poplar

lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a pop, as the kase may be.  These same

peple, bare in mind, stick up their nosis at moral wax figgers &

sagashus beests.  Thay say these things is low.  Gents, it greeves my

hart in my old age, when I'm in "the Sheer & yeller leef" (to cote frum

my Irish frend Mister McBeth) to see that the Show biznis is pritty much

plade out; howsomever I shall chance it agane in the Spring.

____________________

WOMAN'S RIGHTS.

I pitcht my tent in a small town in Injianny one day last seeson, &

while I was standin at the dore takin money, a deppytashun of ladies

came up & sed they wos members of the Bunkumville Female Moral Reformin

& Wimin's Rite's Associashun, and thay axed me if they cood go in

without payin.

"Not exactly," sez I, "but you can pay without goin in."

"Dew you know who we air?" sed one of the wimin--a tall and feroshus

lookin critter, with a blew kotton umbreller under her arm--"do you know

who we air, Sir?"

"My impreshun is," sed I, "from a kersery view, that you air females."

"We air, Sur," sed the feroshus woman--"we belong to a Society whitch

beleeves wimin has rites--whitch beleeves in razin her to her proper

speer--whitch beleeves she is indowed with as much intelleck as man

is--whitch beleeves she is trampled on and aboozed--& who will resist

henso4th & forever the incroachments of proud & domineering men."

Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed me by the coat-kollor &

was swinging her umbreller wildly over my hed.

"I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, "that your intensions is

honorable!  I'm a lone man hear in a strange place.  Besides, I've a

wife to hum."

"Yes," cried the female, "& she's a slave!  Doth she never dream of

freedom--doth she never think of throwin off the yoke of tyrrinny

& thinkin & votin for herself?--Doth she never think of these here

things?"

"Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little riled, "I

kin safely say that she dothunt."

"Oh whot--whot!" screamed the female, swingin her umbreller in the

air.--"O, what is the price that woman pays for her expeeriunce!"

"I don't know," sez I; "the price of my show is 15 cents pur

individooal."

"& can't our Soisety go in free?" asked the female.

"Not if I know it," sed I.

"Crooil, crooil man!" she cried, & bust into teers.

"Won't you let my darter in?" sed anuther of the exsentric wimin, taken

me afeckshunitely by the hand.  "O, please let my darter in,--shee's a

sweet gushin child of natur."

"Let her gush!" roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their tarnal

nonsense; "let her gush!"  Where upon they all sprung back with the

simultanious observashun that I was a Beest.

"My female friends," sed I, "be4 you leeve, I've a few remarks

to remark; wa them well.  The female woman is one of the greatest

institooshuns of which this land can boste.  Its onpossible to get

along without her.  Had there bin no female wimin in the world, I should

scarcely be here with my unparalleld show on this very occashun.  She is

good in sickness--good in wellness--good all the time.  O woman, woman!"

I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, "you air a angle

when you behave yourself; but when you take off your proper appairel

& (mettyforically speaken)--get into pantyloons--when you desert your

firesides, & with your heds full of wimin's rites noshuns go round like

roarin lions, seekin whom you may devour someboddy--in short, when

you undertake to play the man, you play the devil and air an emfatic

noosance.  My female friends," I continnered, as they were indignantly

departin, "wa well what A. Ward has sed!" ____________________

THE PRINCE OF WALES

To my friends of the Editorial Corpse:

I rite these lines on British sile.  I've bin follerin Mrs. Victory's

hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my onparaleled Show, and tho

I haint made much in a pecoonary pint of vew, I've lernt sumthin new,

over hear on British Sile, whare they bleeve in Saint George and the

Dragoon.  Previs to cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule

Brittany and other airs which is poplar on British Sile.  I likewise

fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner Ginral.  The

statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever saw.  I've

showd it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker

Boy, Mrs. Cunningham & varis other notid persons, and also for a sertin

pirut named Hix.  I've bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em

up to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their

facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase requires.  I giv Sir

Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who thawt they was smart

sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else,

I sed, "That's the pint.  That's the beauty of the Statoot.  It looks

like Sir Edmun Hed or any other man.  You may kall it what you pleese.

Ef it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's sertinly a

remarkable Statoot & well worth seein.  I kall it Sir Edmun Hed.  You

may kall it what you pleese!"  [I had 'em thare.]

At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty nigh cost me

my vallerble life.  I cawt a glimpse of him as he sot on the Pizarro of

the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself threw a crowd of wimin, children,

sojers & Injins that was hangin round the tavern.  I was drawin near to

the Prince when a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me

and axed me whare I was goin all so bold?

"To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I; "who are you?"

He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her Magisty's

troops.  I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was in good helth,

and was passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed in a tone of

indigent cirprise:

"What?  Impossible!  It kannot be!  Blarst my hize, sir, did I understan

you to say that you was actooally goin into the presents of his Royal

Iniss?"

"That's what's the matter with me," I replide.

"But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented.  It's orful, sir. Nothin'

like it hain't happened sins the Gun Powder Plot of Guy Forks.  Owdashus

man, who air you?"

"Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, "I'm a

Amerycan sitterzen.  My name is Ward.  I'm a husband & the father of

twins, which I'm happy to state thay look like me.  By perfeshun I'm a

exhibiter of wax works & sich."

"Good God!" yelled the Kurnal, "the idee of a exhibiter of wax figgers

goin into the presents of Royalty!  The British Lion may well roar with

raje at the thawt!"

Sez I, "Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make a bargin

with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my Show."  I didn't

meen nothin by this.  I was only gettin orf a goak, but you roter hev

seen the Old Kurnal jump up & howl.  He actooally fomed at the mowth.

"This can't be real," he showtid.  "No, no.  It's a horrid dream.  Sir,

you air not a human bein--you hav no existents--yure a Myth!"

"Wall," sez I, "old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomfortable Myth ef

you punch my inards in that way agin."  I began to git a little riled,

fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty hard.  The Kurnal now

commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters.  I at fust thawt I'd stay &

becum a Marter to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name

up & be a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me that ef

enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my

stummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when

the Prince hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was.  Sez I, "Albert

Edard, is that you?" & he smilt & sed it was.  Sez I, "Albert Edard,

hears my keerd.  I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland.

The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but

of course you ain't to blame fur that.  He puts on as many airs as tho

he was the Bully Boy with the glass eye."

"Never mind," sez Albert Edard, "I'm glad to see you, Mister Ward, at

all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed so sweet that I

fell in love with him to onct.  He handid me a segar & we sot down on

the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite cheerful.  "Wall," sez I, "Albert

Edard, how's the old folks?"

"Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed.

"Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar?" I inquired.

The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let many kegs

of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a year.  We sot &

tawked there sum time abowt matters & things, & bimeby I axed him how he

liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got.

"To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, "I don't much like it.  I'm sick

of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a boy like me.

I would rather go through the country quietly & enjoy myself in my own

way, with the other boys, & not be made a Show of to be garped at by

everybody.  When the PEPLE cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen

it; but if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all their

moves & understan exackly what they air after, & knowd how I larft at

'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now

do.  But you know, Mr. Ward, I can't help bein a Prince, & I must do all

I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must sumtime ockepy."

"That's troo," sez I; "sickness and the docters will carry the Queen orf

one of these dase, sure's yer born."

The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up & sed: "Albert

Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I will obsarve that you soot

me.  Yure a good feller, Albert Edard, & tho I'm agin Princes as a

gineral thing, I must say I like the cut of your Gib.  When you git to

be King try and be as good a man as yure muther has bin!  Be just & be

Jenerus, espeshully to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins the dase

of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menagery bizniss, & ef the

daily papers of his time air to be beleeved Noah's colleckshun of livin

wild beests beet ennything ever seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef

his snaiks was ahead of mine.  Albert Edard, adoo!"  I tuk his hand

which he shook warmly, & givin him a perpetooal free pars to my show, &

also parses to take hum for the Queen & old Albert, I put on my hat and

walkt away.

"Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, "Mrs. Ward, ef you could

see your husband now, just as he prowdly emerjis from the presunts of

the futur King of Ingland, you'd be sorry you called him a Beest jest

becaws he cum home tired 1 nite and wantid to go to bed without takin

orf his boots.  You'd be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the

priceliss Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane!"

Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 'em.  The

leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed, "Air you Orange?"

Sez I, "Which?"

"Air you a Orangeman?" he repeated, sternly.

"I used to peddle lemins," sed I, "but I never delt in oranges.  They

are apt to spile on yure hands.  What particler Loonatic Asylum hev you

& yure frends escaped frum, ef I may be so bold?"  Just then a suddent

thawt struck me & I sed, "Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince

so & givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yure infernal

catawalins, air you?  Wall, take the advice of a Amerykin sitterzen,

take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, which is 40

times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, who wants to receive you

all on a ekal footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you

sleep in Sundays.  Go home & mind yure bisness & not make noosenses of

yourselves."  With which observashuns I left 'em.

I shall leeve British sile 4thwith.

____________________

OSSAWATOMIE BROWN.

I don't portend to be a cricket & consekently the reader will not regard

this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism.  I cimply desine givin the pints

& Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theater t'other nite, called

Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harper's Ferry.  Ossywattermy had

varis failins, one of which was a idee that he cood conker Virginny with

a few duzzen loonatics which he had pickt up sumwhares, mercy only nose

wher.  He didn't cum it, as the sekel showed.  This play was jerkt by a

admirer of Old Ossywattermy.

First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted.  Tare's a weddin

at the house.  Amely, Old Brown's darter, marrys sumbody, and they all

whirl in the Messy darnce.  Then Ossywattermy and his 3 sons leave fur

Kansis.  Old Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air goin on a long jurny &

Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin.  Thay go to Kansis.  What upon arth thay

go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable down there to North

Elby, is more'n I know.  The suns air next seen in Kausis at a tarvern.

Mister Blanc, a sinister lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss

pistils, axes one of the Browns to take a drink.  Brown refuzis, which

is the fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite.

Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus loohin person, then axis

him whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery.  Yung Brown sez he's agin it,

whareupon Mister Blanc, who is the most sinisterest lookin man I ever

saw, sez Har, har, har I (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) & ups &

sticks a knife into yung Brown.  Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, "you has

killed me Ber-ruther!"  Moosic by the Band & Seen changes.  The stuck

yung Brown enters supported by his two brothers.  Bimeby he falls

down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies.  Moosic by the Band.  I lookt but

couldn't see any mother.  Next Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin.  He's

readin a book.  He sez freedum must extend its Area & rubs his hands

like he was pleesed abowt it.  His suns come in.  One of 'em goes out &

cums in ded, havin bin shot while out by a Border Ruffin.  The ded yang

Brown sez he sees his mother and tumbles down.  The Border Ruffins then

surround the cabin & set it a fire.  The Browns giv theirselves up for

gone coons, when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay

go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed.  Their merraklis 'scape

reminds me of the 'scape of De Jones, the Coarsehair of the Gulf--a tail

with a yaller kiver, that I onct red.  For sixteen years he was confined

in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin of food durin all that time.  When

a lucky thawt struck him!  He opend the winder and got out.  To

resoom--Old Brown rushes down to the footlites, gits down on his nees &

swares he'll hav revenge.  The battle of Ossawatermy takes place.  Old

Brown kills Mister Blanc, the sinister individooal aforesed.  Mister

Blane makes a able & elerquent speech, sez he don't see his mother much,

and dies likes the son of a gentleman, rapt up in the Star Spangled

banner.  Moosic by the Band.  Four or five other Border ruffins air

killed, but thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers.  From

Kansis to Harper's Ferry.  Picter of a Arsenal is represented.  Sojers

cum & fire at it.  Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot.  He

is tride by two soops in milingtery Jose, and sentenced to be hung on

the gallus.  Tabloo--Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards the staige

lited up with red fire.  Goddiss of Liberty also on platform, pintin

upards.  A dutchman in the orkestry warbles on a base drum.  Curtin

falls.  Moosic by the Band.

____________________

JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD.

Dear Sirs

I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state of grate bliss,

and trust these lines will find you injoyin the same blessins.  I'm

reguvinated.  I've found the immortal waters of yooth, so to speak, and

am as limber and frisky as a two-year-old steer, and in the futur them

boys which sez to me "go up, old Bawld hed," will do so at the peril of

their hazard, individooally.  I'm very happy.  My house is full of joy,

and I have to git up nights and larf!  Sumtimes I ax myself "is it not a

dream?" & suthin withinto me sez "it air;" but when I look at them sweet

little critters and hear 'em squawk, I know it is a reality--2 realitys,

I may say--and I feel gay.

I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld show of wax works

and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early part of this munch.  The

peple of Baldinsville met me cordully and I immejitly commenst restin

myself with my famerly,  The other nite while I was down to the tavurn

tostin my shins agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd with sum of

my adventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & terrible excited but Bill

Stokes, who sez, sez he, "Old Ward, there's grate doing up to your

house."

Sez I, "William, how so?"

Sez he, "Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & then larfed as if heed

kill hisself.

Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, "William, I woodnut be a fool

if I had common cents."

But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he fell over

on the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and in a still small voice sed,

"Twins!"  I ashure you gents that the grass didn't grow under my feet

on my way home, & I was followed by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller

sitterzens, who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of their voises.  I

found the house chock full of peple.  Thare was Mrs. Square Baxter and

her three grown-up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Ripley,

young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the Skoolmaster, Doctor

Jordin, etsetterry, etsetterry.  Mis Ward was in the west room, which

jines the kitchin.  Mis Square Baxter was mixin suthin in a dipper

before the kitchin fire, & a small army of female wimin were rushin

wildly round the house with bottles of camfire, peaces od flannil, &c.

I never seed such a hubbub in my natral born dase.  I cood not stay in

the west room only a minit, so strong was my feelings, so I rusht out

and ceased my dubbel barrild gun

"What on airth ales the man?" sez Taberthy Ripley.  "Sakes alive, what

air you doin?" & she grabd me by the tales.  "What's the matter with

you?" she continnered.

"Twins, Marm," sez I, "twins!"

"I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her aprun.

"Wall," sez I, "that's what's the matter with me!"

"Wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she.

"No, morra," sez I, "this is a Nashunal day.  The glory of this here day

isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site.  On yonder woodshed," sed

I, drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a show-actin voice,

"will I fire a Nashunal saloot!" sayin whitch I tared myself from her

grasp and rush to to the top of the shed whare I blazed away until

Square Baxter's hired man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me

down by mane force.

On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of people sealed be4 the

fire, a talkin the event over.  They made room for me & I sot down.

"Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, litin his pipe with a red-hot

coal.

"Yes," sed I, "2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 pounds jintly."

"A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster.

"E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, thinking I'd let him

know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he did, if I wasn't a

skoolmaster.

"It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsuns, who has been

2 quarters to the Akademy.

"I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I, "but I spose

it's all rite."

"We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the Baldinsville

Bugle of Liberty, who was lookin over a bundle of exchange papers in the

corner, "to apply to the legislator for a City Charter?"

"Good for you, old man!" sed I; "iv that air a conspickius place in the

next Bugle."

"How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her face with her

knittin work & larfin like all possest.

"Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley, who is the crossest old

made in the world, "I think you all act like a pack of fools."

Sez I, "Mis. Peasly, air you a parent?"

Sez she, "No, I aint."

Sez I, "Mis. Peasly, you never will be."

She left.

We sot there talkin & larfin until "the switchin hour of nite, when

grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shakepire aptlee

obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, esq, or the Moral House Breaker,

when we broke up & disbursed.

Muther & children is a doin well; & as Resolushuns is the order of the

day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the follerin--

Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the undersined's house, which

is Twins; & Whereas I like this stile, sade twins hero of the male

perswashun & both boys ; there4 Be it Resolved, That to them nabers who

did the fare thing by sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo.

Resolved, That I do most hartily thank Engine Ko. No. 17, who, under the

impreshun from the fuss at my house on that auspishus nite that thare

was a konflagration goin on, kum galyiantly to the spot, but kindly

refraned frum squirtin.

Resolved, That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the Baldinsville

brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me, both on that great

nite & sinse.

Resolved, That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldsinville

meetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or

intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house to onct.

Resolved, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the

follerin individoouls, to whit namelee--Mis. Square Baxter, who

Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer

Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes; the Editer of the

Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who nobly assisted me in wollupin my

Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by

his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly

furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient to

cook vittles at my hous; & the Peasleys, Par Parsunses & Watsunses fur

there meny ax of kindness.

Trooly yures,                        ARTEMUS WARD.

____________________

BOSTON.

(A. WARD TO HIS WIFE.)

Dear Betsy: I write you this from Boston, "the Modern Atkins," as it

is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air.  I'll giv you

a kursoory view of this city.  I'll klassify the paragrafs under seprit

headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the

Washinton correspongdents!

COPP'S HILL.

The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of Copps' Hill, where

Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies berrid.  There

is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next

their harts.  But I do not weep for him.  He's bin ded too lengthy.  I

ain't going to be absurd, like old Mr. Skillins, in our naberhood, who

is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and weeps

Bitturly because he haint got no Parents.  He's a nice Orphan, he is.

BUNKER HILL.

Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston.  In 1776 a thrillin dramy

was acted out over there, in which the "Warren Combination" played star

parts.

MR. FANUEL.

Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst.  This

is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, my Dear.  The

Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past few years, and the num'ris

quack doctors she called in didn't help her any; but the old gal's

physicians now are men who understand their bizness, Major-generally

speakin', and I think the day is near when she'll be able to take her

three meals a day, and sleep nights as comf'bly as in the old time.

THE COMMON.

It is here, as ushil; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot,

and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins', is a

onhappy Outcast in Naponsit.

THE LEGISLATUR.

The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em wear queer

hats.  They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry on hat stores

down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is either ten years ahead of

the prevailin' stile, or ten years behind it--jest as a intellectooal

person sees fit to think about it.  I had the pleasure of talkin' with

sevril members of the legislatur.  I told 'em the Eye of 1000 ages was

onto we American peple of to-day.  They seemed deeply impressed by the

remark, and wantid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin?

HARVARD COLLEGE.

This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated in the

Bar-room of Parker's in School street, and has poopils from all over the

country.

I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, Artemus, Jr.,

who is at Bowdoin College in Maine.  He writes that he's a Bowdoin Arab.

& is it cum to this?  Is this Boy as I nurtered with a Parent's care

into his childhood's hour--is he goin' to be a Grate American humorist?

Alars!  I fear it is too troo.  Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent

Travellin Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appearance at our

last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a Pillist?  Ar,

these Boys--they little know how the old folks worrit about 'em.  But

my father he never had no occasion to worrit about me.  You know,

Betsy, that when I fust commenced my career as a moral exhibitor with

a six-legged cat and a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant

child--skurce 15 Summers had flow'd over my yoothful hed.  But I had sum

mind of my own.  My father understood this.  "Go," he sed--"go, my son,

and hog the public!" (he ment, "knock em," but the old man was allus

a little given to slang).  He put his withered han' tremblinly onto my

hed, and went sadly into the house.  I thought I saw tears tricklin down

his venerable chin, but it might hav been tobacker jooce.  He chaw'd.

LITERATOOR.

The "Atlantic Monthly," Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westun home.

I like it because it has got sense.  It don't print stories with piruts

and honist young men into 'em, makin' the piruts splendid fellers and

the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots--so that our darters very

nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist young idiots; but it gives

us good square American literatoor.  The chaps that write for the

"Atlantic," Betsy, understand their bizness.  They can sling ink, they

can.  I went in and saw 'em.  I told 'em that theirs was a high and holy

mission.  They seemed quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the

Grate Orgin.

WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT.

I went over to Lexington yes'd'y.  My Boozum hove with sollum emotions.

"& this," I sed to a man who was drivin' a yoke of oxen, "this is where

our revolutionary forefathers asserted their independence and spilt

their Blud.  Classic ground!"

"Wall," the man sed, "it's good for white beans and potatoes, but was

regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a damn.  But hav' you seen the

Grate Orgin?"

THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES.

I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way.  A pooty girl in spectacles sot

near me, and was tellin' a young man how much he reminded her of a man

she used to know in Walthan.  Pooty soon the young man got out, and,

smilin' in a seductive manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, "Don't

I remind you of somebody you used to know?"

"Yes," she sed, "you do remind me of one man, but he was sent to the

penitentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril--he died there, so I

conclood you ain't HIM."  I didn't pursoo the conversation.  I only

heard her silvery voice once more durin' the remainder of the jerney.

Turnin' to a respectable lookin' female of advanced summers, she asked

her if she had seen the Grate Orgin.

We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time since we

was infants, and et lite food.  Nothin' of further int'rist took place

on the cars excep' a colored gentleman, a total stranger to me, asked if

I'd lend him my diamond Brestpin to wear to a funeral in South Boston.

I told him I wouldn't--not a purpuss.

COMMON SKOOLS.

A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here.  John Slurk, my old pardner,

has a little son who has only bin to skool two months, and yet he

exhibertid his father's performin' Bear in the show all last summer.  I

hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin in these Skools, because if

a man can't Spel wel he's of no 'kount.

SUMMIN' UP.

I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but I haven't

seen it.  Mr. Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed me that it can

be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in his nativ town in New

Hampshire, any clear day.  But settin' the Grate Orgin aside (and

indeed, I don't think I heard it mentioned all the time I was there),

Boston is one of the grandest, sure-footedest, clear headedest,

comfortablest cities on the globe. Onlike ev'ry other large city I

was ever in, the most of the hackmen don't seem to hav' bin speshully

intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only

large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant opportunity of

bein swindled in sum way, from the Risin of the sun to the goin down

thereof.  There4 I say, loud and continnered applaus' for Boston!

DOMESTIC MATTERS.

Kiss the children for me.  What you tell me 'bout the Twins greeves me

sorely.  When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had not contempyulated that

they would so fur forgit what wos doo the dignity of our house as to

squirt dishwater on the Incum Tax Collector.  It is a disloyal act, and

shows a prematoor leanin' tords cussedness that alarms me.  I send to

Amelia Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz. "I am Lonely sints My

Mother-in-law Died"; "Dear Mother, What tho' the Hand that Spanked me

in my Childhood's Hour is withered now?" &c.  These song writers, by the

way, air doin' the Mother Bizness rather too muchly.

Your Own Troo husban',            Artemus Ward.

____________________

HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION.

There are several reports afloat as to how "Honest Old Abe" received the

news of his nomination, none of which are correct. We give the correct

report.

The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went to

Honest Old Abe's house.  Honest Old Abe was not in.  Mrs. Honest Old

Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails.  So the

Official Committee went out into the woods, where sure enough they found

Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys.  It was a grand, a

magnificent spectacle.  There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt-sleeves,

a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a pair of home-made

pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly patched with substantial cloth

of a different color.  "Mr Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for

the highest office, Sir--."  "Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe;

"I took a stent this mornin' to split three million rails afore night,

and I don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till

I get my stent done.  I've only got two hundred thousand rails to split

before sundown.  I kin do it if you'll let me alone."  And the great

man went right on splitting rails, paying no attention to the Committee

whatever.  The Committee were lost in admiration for a few moments,

when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys whose boy he

was?  "I'm my parent's boy," shouted the urchin, which burst of wit

so convulsed the Committee that they came very near "gin'in eout"

completely.  In a few moments Honest Ole Abe finished his task, and

received the news with perfect self-possession.  He then asked them up

to the house, where he received them cordially.  He said he split three

million rails every day, although he was in very poor health.  Mr.

Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen sense of the ludicrous.  During

the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of New York, "why Chicago was like a

hen crossing the street?"  Mr. Evarts gave it up.  "Because," said Mr.

Lincoln, "Old Grimes is dead, that good old man!"  This exceedingly

humorous thing created the most uproarious laughter.

____________________

INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.

I hav no politics.  Not a one.  I'm not in the bisiness.  If I was I

spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go home to

Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in the mornin.  I should go to

the Poles arly.  I should stay there all day.  I should see to it that

my nabers was thar.  I should git carriges to take the kripples, the

infirm and the indignant thar.  I should be on guard agin frauds and

sich.  I should be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy,

got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck.  When all was over and

my candydate was elected, I should move heving & erth so to speak until

I got orfice, which if I didn't git a orfice I should turn round and

abooze the Administration with all my mite and maine.  But I'm not in

the bizniss.  I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics

is.  I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser.  The wuss insult I

ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run

fur the Legislater.  Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that

there?"  They turned as white as a sheet.  I spoke in my most orfullest

tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with.  They slunked out of

site to onct.

There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid

in Springfield.  I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a

perfeck swarm of orfice seekers.  Knowin he had been capting of a flat

boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor

lingo, so sez I, "Old Abe, ahoy!  Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the

forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board!  Shiver my timbers, my

harty!"  [N.B. This is ginuine mariner langwidge.  I know, becawz I've

seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theatre fellers.]  Old

Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, "Send in yer petition by & by.  I can't

possibly look at it now.  Indeed, I can't.  It's onpossible, sir!"

"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?" sed I.

"A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he.

"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your life.  You hain't

gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances.  I'm A. Ward.  Wax figgers

is my perfeshun.  I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me both

of them.  I cum to pay a friendly visit to the President eleck of the

United States.  If so be you wants to see me, say so, if not, say so &

I'm orf like a jug handle."

"Mr. Ward, sit down.  I am glad to see you, Sir."

"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed one of the orfice seekers, his idee

bein to git orf a goak at my expense.

"Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum thar'll

be mity poor nussin for sum of you!" whereupon Old Abe buttoned his

weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16.  Jest at this pint

of the conversation another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin

into the parler.  Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships,

sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin.  I thought Old Abe

would go crazy.  He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em,

before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises.  His house

and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all

clameruss for a immejit interview with with Old Abe.  One man from Ohio,

who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old

Abe and addrest me as "The Pra-hayrie Flower of the West!"  Thinks I you

want a offiss putty bad.  Another man with a gold-heded cane and a

red nose told Old Abe he was "a seckind Washington & the Pride of the

Boundliss West."

Sez I, "Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you could git

it, would you?"

Sez he, "A patrit is abuv them things, sir!"

"There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain't there, Squire?"

sez I, when another crowd of offiss seekers pored in.  The house,

dooryard, barng & woodshed was now all full, and when another crowd

cum I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the hog-pen was still

empty.  One patrit from a small town in Michygan went up on top the

house, got into the chimney and slid into the parler where Old Abe was

endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up

alive without benefit of clergy.  The minit he reached the fireplace he

jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny

pintment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers.  All

the respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment!"

"Good God!" cried Old Abe, "they cum upon me from the skize down the

chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth!"  He hadn't more'n got

them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from

Winconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of

applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, &

he would hev gone sprawlin into the fireplace if I hadn't caught him in

these arms.  But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate before another man

cum crashing down the chimney, his head strikin me viliently again the

inards and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor.  "Mr. Linkin,"

shoutid the infatooated being, "my papers is signed by every clergyman

in our town, and likewise the skoolmaster!"

Sez I, "You egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from my eyes,

"I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a

little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in the futur.

How do you like that air perfumery?" sez I, shuving my fist under his

nose.  "Them's the kind of papers I'll give you!  Them's the papers you

want!"

"But I workt hard for the ticket; I toiled night and day! The patrit

should be rewarded!"

"Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar,

"virtoo, sir, is its own reward.  Look at me!"  He did look at me, and

qualed be4 my gase.  "The fact is," I continued, lookin' round on the

hungry crowd, "there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid

round durin' this campane.  I wish thare was.  I wish thare was furrin

missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics rage

incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's

son of you to them.  What air you here for?" I continnered, warmin up

considerable, "can't you giv Abe a minit's peace?  Don't you see he's

worrid most to death?  Go home, you miserable men, go home & till

the sile!  Go to peddlin tinware--go to choppin wood--go to bilin'

sope--stuff sassengers--black boots--git a clerkship on sum respectable

manure cart--go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers--becum 'origenal

and only' Campbell Minstrels--go to lecturin at 50 dollars a

nite--imbark in the peanut bizniss--write for the Ledger--saw off your

legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin appeals to a charitable

public, printed on your handbills--anything for a honest living, but

don't come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings

up!  Go home.  Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to onct!

Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen

dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their eyes, "Ef in

five minits from this time a single sole of you remains on these here

premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor

loose! & ef he gits amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again

and no mistake!"  You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair.  They

run ort as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged

pitchfork.  In five minits the premises was clear.

"How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe,

advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand.  "How kin I ever repay you,

sir?"

"By givin the whole country a good, sound administration.  By poerin'

ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South.  By pursooin' a

patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any State wants to secede,

let 'em Sesesh!"

"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?" sed Abe.

"Fill it up with Showmen, sir!  Showmen, is devoid of politics.  They

hain't got any principles.  They know how to cater for the public.

They know what the public wants, North & South.  Showmen, sir, is honest

men.  Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at their posters, and

see small bills!  Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with

showmen, but don't call on me.  The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be

permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in these vains!  A.

Linkin, I wish you well!  Ef Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model

for a beautiful man, I scarcely think they'd sculp you; but ef you do

the fair thing by your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of

us!  A. Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly

and firmly, and all will be well!  A. Linkin, adoo!"

He shook me cordyully by the hand--we exchanged picters, so we could

gaze upon each other's liniments, when far away from one another--he at

the hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum of the show bizniss

admittance only 15 cents.

____________________

INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.

Notwithstandin I hain't writ much for the papers of late, nobody needn't

flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded.  On the contry, "I still

live," which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, who was a able man.

Even the old-line whigs of Boston will admit that.  Webster is ded now,

howsever, and his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of sum dealer

in 2nd hand close, who can't sell it.  Leastways nobody pears to be goin

round wearin it to any perticler extent, now days.  The rigiment of whom

I was kurnel, finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Gards,

which accounts for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the bauls is

the thickest and where the cannon doth roar.  But as a American citizen

I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on

Washinton from Bull Run, a short time ago.  It was well dun.  I spoke to

my wife 'bout it at the time.  My wife sed it was well dun.

It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all hazzuds,

and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, I thought I

would go orf onto a pleasure tower.  Accordinly I put on a clean

Biled Shirt and started for Washinton.  I went there to see the Prints

Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will here take occasion to

obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of

J. Davis's future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll

make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close.  It

is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or the

penitentiary.  It's becawz he can't help it.  But why he should

woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely beyond my

comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that.

I put up to a leadin hotel.  I saw the landlord and sed, "How d'ye do,

Square?"

"Fifty cents, sir," was his reply.

"Sir?"

"Half-a-dollar.  We charge twenty-five cents for lookin at the landlord

and fifty cents for speakin to him.  If you want supper, a boy will

show you to the dinin-room for twenty-five cents.  Your room bein in the

tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown up there."

"How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinomikal tarvun?" sed

I.

"Ten cents a Breth," was his reply.

Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges.  [N.B. This is

Sarkassum.]

I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before him.

He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down.

"I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you

hale and harty."

"I am quite well," he sed.  "Air you well, sir?"

"Sound as a cuss!" I answerd.

He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation

to onct.

"How's Lewis?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well.  Eugeny was

likewise well, he sed.  Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider? did

he cum home arly nites? did he perfoom her bedroom at a onseasonable

hour with gin and tanzy?  Did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there

wasn't any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend? did

he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widders whose husbands

was in Californy? to all of which questions the Prints perlitely

replide, givin me to understand that the Emperor was behavin well.

"I ax these question, my royal duke and most noble hiness and imperials,

becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man.  I know he's smart.

He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he is deep--he is grate.  But onless he

is good he'll come down with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts

will be Bustid up agin.  Bet yer life!"

"Air you a preacher, sir?" he inquired slitely sarkasticul.

"No, sir.  But I bleeve in morality.  I likewise bleeve in Meetin

Houses.  Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and where

preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old hats air

stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged,

where gates have no hinges, where the wimin are slipshod, and where

maps of the devil's "wild land" air painted upon men's shirt bosums with

tobacco-jooce!  That's what I'll show you.  Let us consider what the

preachers do for us before we aboose 'em."

He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy.  Not at all, and he was

happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family.

"It's a grate family," sed I.  "But they scooped the old man in."

"How, Sir?"

"Napoleon the Grand.  The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo.  He wanted

to do too much, and he did it!  They scooped him in at Waterloo, and he

subsekently died at St. Heleny!  There's where the gratest military man

this world ever projuced pegged out.  It was rather hard to consine such

a man as him to St. Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril,

and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely

round him, (see picter-books), but so it was.  'Hed of the Army!'  Them

was his larst words.  So he had bin. He was grate!  Don't I wish we had

a pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades!"

This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand.

"Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, "but Napoleon was

punkinser!  Alic wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and then

took to drinkin.  He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the

flowin bole was too much for him.  It ginerally is.  He undertook to

give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed him.  That was a bad

joke on Alic!"

"Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, may I ask you

how your own country is getting along?" sed Jerome, in a pleasant voice.

"It's mixed," I sed.  But I think we shall cum out all right."

"Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, could hav had

no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom," sed the Prints.

"It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin

expedition," sed I.  "If he had bin a sensible man he'd hav put the

money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, and left this magnificent

continent to intelligent savages, who when they got hold of a good thing

knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't hav seceded, nor rebelled, nor

knockt Liberty in the hed with a slungshot.  Columbus wasn't much of a

feller, after all.  It would hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid

at home.  Chris. ment well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for

America."

We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst I riz to

go.  "I will now say good-bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to you.

Likewise the same to Clotildy.  Also to the gorgeous persons which

compose your soot.  If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at the

Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the show

bizness, let him come with me and I'll make a man of him.  You find us

sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next year and you'll

find us clearer nor ever.  The American Eagle has lived too sumptuously

of late his stummic becum foul, and he's takin a slite emetic.  That's

all.  We're getting ready to strike a big blow and a sure one.  When we

do strike, the fur will fly and secession will be in the hands of the

undertaker, sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's

trombone will ever awaken it!  Mind what I say.  You've heard the

showman!"

Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk sections of the East,

and the proprietors of corner-lots in the West, I bid him farewell, and

went away.

There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and I thought I'd jine

in the festivities for a spell.  Who should I see but she that was Sarah

Watkins, now the wife of our Congresser, trippin in the dance, dressed

up to kill in her store close.  Sarah's father use to keep a little

grosery store in our town and she used to clerk it for him in busy

times.  I was rushin up to shake hands with her when she turned on her

heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooious manner, walked away from me

very rapid.  "Hallo, Sal," I hollered, "can't you measure me a quart of

them best melasses?  I may want a codfish, also!"  I guess this reminded

her of the little red store, and "the days of her happy childhood."

But I fell in love with a nice little gal after that, who was much

sweeter then Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we shouldn't

glide in the messy dance.  She sed we should, and we Glode.

I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks may have

accidentally crept in.  Never mind.  Besides, I think it improves a

komick paper to publish a goak once in a while.

Yures Muchly,

WARD,  (Artemus)

____________________

AGRICULTURE.

The Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously invited the

author of this volume to address them on the occasion of their next

annual Fair, he wrote the President of that Society as follows:

New York. June 12, 1865,

Dear Sir:

I have the honor to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of the

5th inst., in which you invite me to deliver an address before your

excellent agricultural society.

I feel flattered, and think I will come.

Perhaps, meanwhile, a brief history of my experience as an agriculturist

will be acceptable; and as that history no doubt contains suggestions of

value to the entire agricultural community, I have concluded to write to

you through the Press.

I have been an honest old farmer for some four years.

My farm is in the interior of Maine.  Unfortunately my lands are eleven

miles from the railroad.  Eleven miles is quite a distance to haul

immense quantities of wheat, corn, rye, and oats; but as I hav'n't any

to haul, I do not, after all, suffer much on that account.

My farm is more especially a grass farm.

My neighbors told me so at first, and as an evidence that they were

sincere in that opinion, they turned their cows on to it the moment I

went off "lecturing."

These cows are now quite fat.  I take pride in these cows, in fact, and

am glad I own a grass farm.

Two years ago I tried sheep-raising.

I bought fifty lambs, and turned them loose on my broad and beautiful

acres.

It was pleasant on bright mornings to stroll leisurely out on to the

farm in my dressing-gown, with a cigar in my mouth, and watch those

innocent little lambs as they danced gayly o'er the hillside.  Watching

their saucy capers reminded me of caper sauce, and it occurred to me I

should have some very fine eating when they grew up to be "muttons."

My gentle shepherd, Mr. Eli Perkins, said, "We must have some shepherd

dogs."

I had no very precise idea as to what shepherd dogs were, but I assumed

a rather profound look, and said:

"We must, Eli.  I spoke to you about this some time ago!"

I wrote to my old friend, Mr. Dexter H. Follett, of Boston, for two

shepherd dogs.  Mr. F. is not an honest old farmer himself, but I

thought he knew about shepherd dogs.  He kindly forsook far more

important business to accommodate, and the dogs came forthwith.  They

were splendid creatures snuff-colored, hazel-eyed, long-tailed, and

shapely-jawed.

We led them proudly to the fields.

"Turn them in, Eli," I said.

Eli turned them in.

They went in at once, and killed twenty of my best lambs in about four

minutes and a half.

My friend had made a trifling mistake in the breed of these dogs.

These dogs were not partial to sheep.

Eli Perkins was astonished, and observed:

"Waal!  DID you ever?"

I certainly never had.

There were pools of blood on the greensward, and fragments of wool and

raw lamb chops lay round in confused heaps.

The dogs would have been sent to Boston that night, had they not

suddenly died that afternoon of a throat-distemper.  It wasn't a

swelling of the throat.  It wasn't diptheria.  It was a violent opening

of the throat, extending from ear to ear.

Thus closed their life-stories.  Thus ended their interesting tails.

I failed as a raiser of lambs.  As a sheepist, I was not a success.

Last summer Mr. Perkins, said, "I think we'd better cut some grass this

season, sir."

We cut some grass.

To me the new-mown hay is very sweet and nice.  The brilliant George

Arnold sings about it, in beautiful verse, down in Jersey every summer;

so does the brilliant Aldrich, at Portsmouth, N.H.  And yet I doubt

if either of these men knows the price of a ton of hay to-day.  But

new-mown hay is a really fine thing.  It is good for man and beast.

We hired four honest farmers to assist us, and I led them gayly to the

meadows.

I was going to mow, myself.

I saw the sturdy peasants go round once ere I dipped my flashing scythe

into the tall green grass.

"Are you ready?" said E. Perkins.

"I am here!"

"Then follow us."

I followed them.

Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white-haired old man,

who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called upon us to halt.  Then in

a low firm voice he said to his son, who was just ahead of me, "John,

change places with me.  I hain't got long to live, anyhow.  Yonder

berryin' ground will soon have these old bones, and it's no matter

whether I'm carried there with one leg off and ter'ble gashes in the

other or not!  But you, John you are young."

The old man changed places with his son.  A smile of calm resignation

lit up his wrinkled face, as he sed, "Now, sir, I am ready!"

"What mean you, old man!" I sed.

"I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you have been

bran'ishin' it, you'll slash hout of some of us before we're a hour

older!"

There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old peasant's

profanity.  It was true that I had twice escaped mowing off his son's

legs, and his father was perhaps naturally alarmed.

I went and sat down under a tree.  "I never know'd a literary man in my

life," I overheard the old man say, "that know'd anything."

Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had fancied he

might be.  Every afternoon he disappeared from the field regularly, and

remained about some two hours.  He sed it was headache.  He inherited it

from his mother.  His mother was often taken in that way, and suffered a

great deal.

At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear with his head

neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he "felt better."

One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the invalid to the

house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female voice energetically

observe, "You stop!"  It was the voice of the hired girl, and she added,

"I'll holler for Mr. Brown!"

"Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly say, "Mr.

Brown knows I love you.  Mr. Brown approves of it!"

This was pleasant for Mr. Brown!

I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, however unnatural

it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my hired girl were very near

together.  She sed, "You shan't do so," and he do-soed.  She also said

she would get right up and go away, and as an evidence that she was

thoroughly in earnest about it, she remained where she was.

They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more with the

headache.

This year we are planting corn.  Mr. Perkins writes me that "on accounts

of no skare krows bein put up krows cum and digged fust crop up but soon

got nother in.  Old Bisbee who was frade youd cut his sons leggs off

Ses you bet go an stan up in feeld yrself with dressin gownd on & gesses

krows will keep way.  This made Boys in store larf.  no More terday from

"Yours "respecful "Eli Perkins,"

"his letter."

My friend Mr. D.T.T. Moore, of the "Rural New Yorker," thinks if I "keep

on" I will get in the Poor House in about two years.

If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want me, I will

come.

Truly Yours, Charles F. Browne.

____________________

BUSTS.

There are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in the bust

business.  They have their peculiarities and eccentricities.  They are

swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad

cigars.  They make busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other

great men, living and dead.  The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly

and cautiously.  "Buy Napoleon?" he will say, and you may probably

answer "not a buy."  "How much giv-ee?" he asks, and perhaps you will

ask him how much he wants.  "Nine dollar," he will answer always.

We are sure of it.  We have observed this peculiarity in the busters

frequently.  No matter how large or small the bust may be, the first

price is invariably "nine dollar."  If you decline paying this price, as

you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he again asks, "how

much giv-ee?"  By way of a joke you say "a dollar," when the buster

retreats indignantly to the door, saying in a low, wild voice, "O dam!"

With his hand upon the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "how

much giv-ee?"  You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, "O ha!"

then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus: "Say! how much

giv-ee?"  Again you say a dollar, and he cries, "take 'um take 'um!"

thus falling eight dollars on his original price.

Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls his busts

by wrong names.  We bought Webster (he called him Web-STAR) of him the

other day, and were astonished when he called upon us the next day with

another bust of Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him,

and asked us if we didn't want to buy "Cole, the wife-pizener!"  We

endeavored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utterance was

choked, and we could only gaze upon him in speechless astonishment and

indignation.

____________________

A HARD CASE.

We have heard of some very hard cases since we have enlivened this world

with our brilliant presence.  We once saw an able-bodied man chase a

party of little school-children and rob them of their dinners.  The man

who stole the coppers from his deceased grandmother's eyes lived in our

neighborhood, and we have read about the man who went to church for the

sole purpose of stealing the testaments and hymn-books.  But the hardest

case we ever heard of lived in Arkansas.  He was only fourteen years

old.  One night he deliberately murdered his father and mother in cold

blood, with a meat-axe.  He was tried and found guilty.  The Judge drew

on his black cap, and in a voice choked with emotion asked the young

prisoner if he had anything to say before the sentence of the Court was

passed on him.  The court-room was densely crowded and there was not a

dry eye in the vast assembly.  The youth of the prisoner, his beauty

and innocent looks, the mild, lamblike manner in which he had conducted

himself during the trial all, all had thoroughly enlisted the sympathy

of the spectators, the ladies in particular.  And even the Jury, who had

found it to be their stern duty to declare him guilty of the appalling

crime even the Jury now wept aloud at this awful moment.

"Have you anything to say?" repeated the deeply moved Judge.

"Why, no," replied the prisoner, "I think I haven't, though I hope yer

Honor will show some consideration for the feelings of a poor orphan!"

The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch without delay.

____________________

AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.

It isn't every one who has a village green to write about.  I have one,

although I have not seen much of it for some years past.  I am back

again, now.  In the language of the duke who went around with a motto

about him, "I am here!" and I fancy I am about as happy a peasant of the

vale as ever garnished a melodrama, although I have not as yet danced on

my village green, as the melodramatic peasant usually does on his.  It

was the case when Rosina Meadows left home.

The time rolls by serenely now so serenely that I don't care what time

it is, which is fortunate, because my watch is at present in the hands

of those "men of New York who are called rioters."  We met by chance,

the usual way certainly not by appointment and I brought the interview

to a close with all possible despatch.  Assuring them that I wasn't

Mr. Greeley, particularly, and that he had never boarded in the private

family where I enjoy the comforts of a home, I tendered them my watch,

and begged they would distribute it judiciously among the laboring

classes, as I had seen the rioters styled in certain public prints.

Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the hissing hot

air with the splendid gold-headed cane that was presented to me by

the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a slight testimonial of their

esteem?  Why broil in my rooms?  You said to me, Mrs. Gloverson, when I

took possession of these rooms, that no matter how warm it might be, a

breeze had a way of blowing into them, and that they were, withal,

quite countryfied; but I am bound to say, Mrs. Gloverson, that there

was nothing about them that ever reminded me, in the remotest degree, of

daisies or new-mown hay.  Thus, with sarcasm, do I smash the deceptive

Gloverson.

Why stay in New York when I had a village green?  I gave it up, the same

as I would an intricate conundrum and, in short, I am here.

Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare?  The

milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda fountains, Central

Park, and those things?  Yes I do; and I can go on missing 'em for quite

a spell, and enjoy it.

The village from which I write to you is small.  It does not contain

over forty houses, all told; but they are milk-white, with the greenest

of blinds, and for the most part are shaded with beautiful elms and

willows.  To the right of us is a mountain to the left a lake.  The

village nestles between.  Of course it does, I never read a novel in my

life in which the villages didn't nestle.  Villages invariably nestle.

It is a kind of way they have.

We are away from the cars.  The iron-horse, as my little sister aptly

remarks in her composition On Nature, is never heard to shriek in our

midst; and on the whole I am glad of it.

The villagers are kindly people.  They are rather incoherent on

the subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, then are people

elsewhere.  One citizen, who used to sustain a good character,

subscribed for the Weekly New York Herald a few months since, and

went to studying the military maps in that well-known journal for the

fireside.  I need not inform you that his intellect now totters, and

he has mortgaged his farm.  In a literary point of view we are rather

bloodthirsty.  A pamphlet edition of the life of a cheerful being, who

slaughtered his wife and child, and then finished himself, is having an

extensive sale just now.

We know little of Honore de Balzac, and perhaps care less for Victor

Hugo.  M. Claes's grand search for the Absolute doesn't thrill us in the

least; and Jean Valjean, gloomily picking his way through the sewers of

Paris, with the spooney young man of the name of Marius upon his back,

awakens no interest in our breasts.  I say Jean Valjean picked his way

gloomily, and I repeat it.  No man, under these circumstances, could

have skipped gayly.  But this literary business, as the gentleman who

married his colored chambermaid aptly observed, "is simply a matter of

taste."

The store I must not forget the store.  It is an object of great

interest to me.  I usually encounter there, on sunny afternoons, an

old Revolutionary soldier.  You may possibly have read about "Another

Revolutionary Soldier gone," but this is one who hasn't gone, and,

moreover, one who doesn't manifest the slightest intention of going.  He

distinctly remembers Washington, of course; they all do; but what I

wish to call special attention to, is the fact that this Revolutionary

soldier is one hundred years old, that his eyes are so good that he can

read fine print without spectacles--he never used them, by the way and

his mind is perfectly clear.  He is a little shaky in one of his legs,

but otherwise he is as active as most men of forty-five, and his general

health is excellent.  He uses no tobacco, but for the last twenty years

he has drunk one glass of liquor every day no more, no less.  He says

he must have his tod.  I had begun to have lurking suspicions about

this Revolutionary soldier business, but here is an original Jacobs.

But because a man can drink a glass of liquor a day, and live to be a

hundred years old, my young readers must not infer that by drinking two

glasses of liquor a day a man can live to be two hundred.  "Which, I

meanter say, it doesn't foller," as Joseph Gargery might observe.

This store, in which may constantly be found calico and nails, and

fish, and tobacco in kegs, and snuff in bladders, is a venerable

establishment.  As long ago as 1814 it was an institution.  The county

troops, on their way to the defence of Portland, then menaced by British

ships-of-war, were drawn up in front of this very store, and treated at

the town's expense.  Citizens will tell you how the clergyman refused

to pray for the troops, because he considered the war an unholy one; and

how a somewhat eccentric person, of dissolute habits, volunteered his

services, stating that he once had an uncle who was a deacon, and he

thought he could make a tolerable prayer, although it was rather out

of his line; and how he prayed so long and absurdly that the Colonel

ordered him under arrest, but that even while soldiers stood over him

with gleaming bayonets, the reckless being sang a preposterous song

about his grandmother's spotted calf, with its Ri-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do;

after which he howled dismally.

And speaking of the store, reminds me of a little story.  The author

of "several successful comedies" has been among us, and the store was

anxious to know who the stranger was.  And therefore the store asked

him.

"What do you follow, sir?" respectfully inquired the tradesman.

"I occasionally write for the stage, sir."

"Oh!" returned the tradesman, in a confused manner.

"He means," said an honest villager, with a desire to help the puzzled

tradesman out, "he means that he writes the handbills for the stage

drivers!"

I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an

uproariously mirthful character; but one hears stories at the store

that are old enough, goodness knows stories which, no doubt, diverted

Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and thoughtless boyhood.

There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally.  Yesterday an

athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a counter and emptied

two tubs of butter on the floor.  His father a white-haired old man,

who was a little boy when the Revolutionary war closed, but who doesn't

remember Washington much, came round in the evening and settled for the

damages.  "My son," he said, "has considerable originality."  I will

mention that this same son once told me that he could lick me with one

arm tied behind him, and I was so thoroughly satisfied he could, that I

told him he needn't mind going for a rope.

Sometimes I go a-visiting to a farmhouse, on which occasions the parlor

is opened.  The windows have been close-shut ever since the last visitor

was there, and there is a dingy smell that I struggle as calmly as

possible with, until I am led to the banquet of steaming hot biscuit and

custard pie.  If they would only let me sit in the dear old-fashioned

kitchen, or on the door-stone if they knew how dismally the new black

furniture looked but, never mind, I am not a reformer.  No, I should

rather think not.

Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say, in which case you

are wrong.  I can't exactly say that I pant to be an agriculturist, but

I do know that in the main it is an independent, calmly happy sort of

life.  I can see how the prosperous farmer can go joyously a-field

with the rise of the sun, and how his heart may swell with pride over

bounteous harvests and sleek oxen.  And it must be rather jolly for him

on winter evenings to sit before the bright kitchen fire and watch his

rosy boys and girls as they study out the charades in the weekly paper,

and gradually find out why my first is something that grows in a garden,

and my second is a fish.

On the green hillside over yonder there is a quivering of snowy drapery,

and bright hair is flashing in the morning sunlight.  It is recess, and

the Seminary girls are running in the tall grass.

A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I am pained

to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that Mrs. Higgins, the

Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush the girls and trample upon

them; but my sorrow is somewhat assuaged by learning that Skimmerhorn,

the pianist, is perfectly splendid.

Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once young and where

are the friends of my youth?  I have found one of 'em, certainly.  I saw

him ride in the circus the other day on a bareback horse, and even now

his name stares at me from yonder board-fence, in green, and blue, and

red, and yellow letters.  Dashington, the youth with whom I used to read

the able orations of Cicero, and who, as a declaimer on exhibition days,

used to wipe the rest of us boys pretty handsomely out--well, Dashington

is identified with the halibut and cod interest--drives a fish cart,

in fact, from a certain town on the coast, back into the interior.

Hurbertson, the utterly stupid boy the lunkhead, who never had his

lesson he's about the ablest lawyer a sister State can boast.  Mills is

a newspaper man, and is just now editing a Major-General down South.

Singlinson, the sweet-voiced boy, whose face was always washed and who

was real good, and who was never rude--he is in the penitentiary for

putting his uncle's autograph to a financial document.  Hawkins, the

clergyman's son, is an actor, and Williamson, the good little boy who

divided his bread and butter with the beggarman, is a failing merchant,

and makes money by it.  Tom Slink, who used to smoke short-sixes and get

acquainted with the little circus boys, is popularly supposed to be

the proprietor of a cheap gaming establishment in Boston, where the

beautiful but uncertain prop is nightly tossed.  Be sure, the Army is

represented by many of the friends of my youth, the most of whom have

given a good account of themselves.  But Chalmerson hasn't done much.

No, Chalmerson is rather of a failure.  He plays on the guitar and sings

love songs.  Not that he is a bad man.  A kinder-hearted creature never

lived, and they say he hasn't yet got over crying for his little curly

haired sister who died ever so long ago.  But he knows nothing about

business, politics, the world, and those things.  He is dull at trade

indeed, it is a common remark that "everybody cheats Chalmerson."

He came to the party the other evening, and brought his guitar.  They

wouldn't have him for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky

in his upper notes; but if his simple melodies didn't gush straight from

the heart, why were my trained eyes wet?  And although some of the

girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity him I could not help

fancying that poor Chalmerson was nearer heaven than any of us all!

____________________

THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.

You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase gone and

past.

Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't

know what those is.

It's a popler noospaper frase.

Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been among the

Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't

had no time to weeld my facile quill for "the Grate Komick paper," if

you'll allow me to kote from your troothful advertisement.

My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of my life.

If what I've bin threw is "Suthren hosspitality," 'bout which we've

hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve that they made two much of

me.

They was altogether two lavish with their attenshuns.

I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity.

I went in my perfeshernal capacity.

I was actooated by one of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the

human Buzzum, viz.:--to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin

them Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say air

onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres.

I will not call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a

hoss thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of my

scornful frowns.

But to proseed with my tail.

In my travels threw the Sonny South I heared a heap of talk about

Seceshon and bustin up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to

nothin.

The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe (sometimes

called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be noggerated.

They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways, but as they was

used to that I didn't let it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes

continued for to wave over my little tent.

Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of several other Temperance

Societies, and my wife she was a Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax

would secoor me the infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families.

Alas!  I was dispinted.

State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter and hotter for the

undersined.

Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was

premtorally ordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes.

A deppytashun of red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I

was standin takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an'

my Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.)  "We air cum,

Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, "upon a hi and holy mishun.

The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this sunny land--proudly and

defiantly screamin, Sir!"

"What's the matter with him?" sez I; "don't his vittles sit well on his

stummick?"

"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite and

tremenjus land!"

"Wall, let him scream.  If your Eagle can amuse hisself by screamin, let

him went!"  The men anoyed me, for I was Bizzy makin change.

"We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty--"

"You're right, Capting.  It's every man's dooty to visit my show," said

I.

"We air cum--"

"And that's the reason you are here!" sez I, larfin one of my silvery

larfs.  I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin

eppygrams.

"Sir, you're inserlent.

The plain question is, will you haul down the Star-Spangled Banner, and

hist the Southern flag!"

"Nary hist!"  Those was my reply.

"Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air arrested as

a Spy!"

Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and Bloomin daffodils,

what's the price of whisky in this town, and how many cubic feet of that

seductive flooid can you individooally hold?"

They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was confisticated.

I axed them if that was ginerally the stile among thieves in that

country, to which they also made no reply, but said I was arrested as a

Spy, and must go to Montgomry in iuns.  They was by this time jined by a

large crowd of other Southern patrits, who  commenst hollerin "Hang the

baldheaded aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibition!"  I

was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my tent--that

water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and amoosment had been so

muchly combined, at 15 cents per head--and tore it all to pieces.

Meanwhile dirty-faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles

at my massiv brow, and takin other improper liberties with my person.

Resistance was useless, for a varity of reasons, as I readily obsarved.

The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to attums.  They

then went to my money box and confisticated all the loose change therein

contaned.  They then went and bust in my cages, lettin all the animils

loose, a small but helthy tiger among the rest.  This tiger has a

excentric way of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his

gineral conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in

the same way if he could get at them.  Excuse me if I was crooil, but I

larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among the people.

"Go it, my sweet cuss!" I inardly exclaimed.  "I forgive you for bitin

off my left thum with all my heart!  Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose

Lare has bin inwaded by Seseshers!"

I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of them, but

as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, with a large and

well selected assortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth, and as he

lookt as tho he'd been havin sum vilent exercise, I rayther guess he

did.  You will therefore perceive that they didn't confisticate him

much.

I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial.  The jail

was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally surplied with Bakin an

Cabbidge.  This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker after Bakin

I could help myself to the cabbige.

I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, and I was

very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the jailer parst my

lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed (I'm

bald now, but thare was a time when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into

as dish-hevild a state as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I

cride: "Stay, jaler, stay!  I am not mad, but soon shall be if you

don't bring me suthin to Talk!"  He brung me sum noospapers, for which I

thanked him kindly.

At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President of the

Southern Conthieveracy.

He was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state my case.

I did it, when he larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2

enthoosiastic in confisticatin my show.

"Yes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly.  I had sum hosses

confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisticaters air now

poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnapylus."

"Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air friendly

to the South, I know.  Even now we hav many frens in the North, who

sympathize with us, and won't mingle with this fight."

"J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik.

Many of us was your sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us

was fussin about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much.

But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry-goods called

the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and rises en massy, in

defence of that banner.  Not agin you as individooals,--not agin the

South even--but to save the flag.  We should indeed be weak in the

knees, unsound in the heart, milk-white in the liver, and soft in the

hed, if we stood quietly by, and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to

pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe.  The gentle-harted mother

hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but she knows it is her

dooty to do it.  So we shall hate to whip the naughty South, but we must

do it if you don't make back tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out

of your boots!  J. Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South

is makin a egrejus mutton-hed of herself!"

"Go on, sir, you're safe enuff.  You're two small powder for me!" sed

the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.

"Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted Hoss

Cavalry!  I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, beware!

Jefferson D., I now leave you!  Farewell my gay Saler Boy!  Good-bye, my

bold buccaneer!  Pirut of the deep blue sea, adoo! adoo!"

My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was thrillin

enuff for yeller covers.  It will form the subjeck of my next.  Betsy

Jane and the projeny air well.

Yours Respectably,

A. Ward.

____________________

THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.

I had a narrer scape from the sonny South.  "The swings and arrers of

outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't nothin in comparison to

my trubles.  I come pesky near swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct,

but I hope I didn't do it, for I've promist she whose name shall be

nameless (except that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the

Meetin House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff

together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy

nabers.  But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in

my present benited state for sum time.

I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower from

Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I thought "the grate

komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no more with my lubrications.  Arter

biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I started for the depot.  I saw a nigger

sittin on a fence a playin on a banjo, "My Afrikan Brother," sed I,

coting from a Track I onct red, "you belong to a very interestin race.

Your masters is goin to war excloosively on your account."

"Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish 'em honorable graves!" and he went

on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin his mouth wide enuff to

drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.

The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life, was the

scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever saw on wheels

afore.  "What time does this string of second-hand coffins leave?" I

inquired of the depot master.  He sed direckly, and I went in & sot

down.  I hadn't more'n fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a

swinister expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin

very sharp at me, he axed what was my principles?

"Secesh!" I ansered.  "I'm a Dissoluter.  I'm in favor of Jeff Davis,

Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs.

Cunningham and all the rest of 'em."

"You're in favor of the war?"

"Certingly.  By all means.  I'm in favor of this war and also of the

next war.  I've been in favor of the next war for over sixteen years!"

"War to the knife!" sed the man.

"Blud, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal with me,

them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded.  His mantle fell onto the

author of "The Seven Sisters," who's goin to hav a Spring overcoat made

out of it.

We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at about the

rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly-conducted funeral

processions.  A hansum yung gal, with a red musketer bar on the back

side of her hed, and a sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot

in the seat with me.  She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat,

and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern

army, all so bold and gay.  So she told me.  She was chilly and I

offered her my blanket.

"Father livin?" I axed.

"Yes, sir."

"Got any Uncles?"

"A heap.  Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."

"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him!  I will be your

Uncle Thomas!  Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful

repose!"  She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and didn't disturb

the sollum stillness of the night with 'ary snore!

At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and inquired if

"Old Wax Works" was on bored.  That was the disrespectiv stile in which

they referred to me.  "Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man

with a face like a double-breasted lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax

Works!"

"My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf

my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform

you that he's ded.  He saw the error of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2

yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five

beautiful tabloos to slow moosic!  His last words was: 'My perfeshernal

career is over!  I jerk no more!'"

"And who be you?"

"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss.  I'm going up North

to steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army."  This was

satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf.  At the next

station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed she must git out

there.  I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions.  "Accept my

blessin and this hunk of ginger bred!" I sed.  She thankt me muchly and

tript galy away.  There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm

afraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me

in the shape of a nice young gal.

At the next station I didn't get orf so easy.  I was dragged out of the

cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of "takin

the conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated.  I was let up

finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up and embraced me, and to

show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose into my mouth.

I returned the compliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right

foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face.  Actooated

by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then

fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the

shoulder.  We then vilently bunted out heads together for a few minutes,

danced around a little, and sot down in a mudpuddle.  We riz to our feet

agin and by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the

Secesher's fist.  We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a

two-hoss wagon.  I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin

up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I conclooded I

would.  He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my feet more'n two seconds

afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed.  The crowd sed it was

high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the lafture come in.  I

riz and we embraced agin.  We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got

the upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen.  He

fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard.  I understood

he was injured.  I haven't heard from the grindstone.

A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was doo

me.  There was a mistake.  The crowd had taken me for another man!  I

told him not to mention it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was

so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that

station "20 minits for refreshments."  I got all I wantid.  It was the

hartiest meal I ever et.

I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crackers bein

tied to my coat tales.  It was a fine spectycal in a dramatic pint of

view, but I didn't enjoy it.  I had other adventers of a startlin kind,

but why continner?  Why lasserate the Public Boozum with these here

things?  Suffysit to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at

last.  I made tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for

life failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her,

the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few months

afore.  But I went into the pantry, and brought out a certin black

bottle.  Raisin it to my lips, I sed "Here's to you, old gal!"  I did it

so natral that she knowed me at once.  "Those form!  Them voice!  That

natral stile of doin things!  'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my

arms.  It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon.  I cum very near

swoundin myself.

No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, and the

bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present bad fix.

____________________

FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.

Delivered July 4th, at Weathersfield, Connecticut, 1859.

____________________

[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and

discriminating awjince.  I was 96 minits passin a givin pint.  I have

revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes it approposser

to the times than it otherwise would be.  I have also corrected the

grammers and punktooated it.  I do my own punktooatin now days.  The

Printers in "Vanity Fair" offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.]

FELLER CITIZENS: I've bin honored with a invite to norate before you

to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure

you will believe me.

Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patritism the

world over, and to be axed to paws and address you on this my fust

perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, causes me to feel--to feel--I may

say it causes me to FEEL. (Grate applaws.  They thought this was one of

my eccentricities, while the fact is I was stuck.  This between you and

I.)

I'm a plane man.  I don't know nothin about no ded languages and am a

little shaky on livin ones.  There4, expect no flowry talk from me.

What I shall say will be to the pint, right strate out.

I'm not a politician and my other habits air good.  I've no enemys

to reward, nor friends to sponge.  But I'm a Union man.  I luv the

Union--it is a Big thing--and it makes my hart bleed to see a lot of

ornery peple a-movin heaven--no, not heaven, but the other place--and

earth, to bust it up.  Toe much good blud was spilt in courtin and

marryin that hily respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git

a divorce from her now.  My own State of Injianny is celebrated for

unhitchin marrid peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't get a

divorce from the Goddess up there.  Not by no means.  The old gal has

behaved herself too well to cast her off now.  I'm sorry the picters

don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the band of stars upon her hed

must continner to shine undimd, forever.  I'm for the Union as she air,

and withered be the arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her

up.  That's me. I hav sed!  [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint

of the orashun a man fell down with sunstroke.  I told the awjince that

considerin the large number of putty gals present I was more afraid of

a DAWTER STROKE.  This was impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them very

much.]

Feller Citizens--I hain't got time to notis the growth of Ameriky frum

the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt Plymouth

Rock with them, but every skool boy nose our kareer has been tremenjis.

You will excuse me if I don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies.

Peple which hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers'

tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and pillery

on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks in their way,

but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and will pass them by.

I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel and techin langwidge of the

nusepapers, "peas to their ashis."  Thare was no diskount, however, on

them brave men who fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun.  We

needn't be afraid of setting 'em up two steep.  Like my show, they will

stand any amount of prase.  G. Washington was abowt the best man this

world ever sot eyes on.  He was a clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy

goin man.  He never slopt over! The prevailin weakness of most public

men is to SLOP OVER!  [Put them words in large letters--A. W.]  They git

filled up and slop.  They Rush Things.  They travel too much on the

high presher principle.  They git on to the fust poplar hobbyhoss whitch

trots along, not carin a sent whether the beest is even goin, clear

sited and sound or spavined, blind and bawky.  Of course they git

throwed eventooally, if not sooner.  When they see the multitood goin it

blind they go Pel Mel with it, instid of exerting theirselves to set

it right.  They can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them

triumfantly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast

them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without the slitest hesitashun.

Washington never slopt over.  That wasn't George's stile.  He luved his

country dearly.  He wasn't after the spiles.  He was a human angil in a

3 kornerd hat and knee britches, and we shan't see his like right away.

My frends, we can't all be Washingtons but we kin all be patrits &

behave ourselves in a human and a Christian manner.  When we see a

brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but let us

seeze rite hold of his coat tails and draw him back to Morality.

Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of seseshers!  As

well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in spangled tites, doin the trapeze

in a one-horse circus!  I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin

ten dollars in Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born!

* * * * * * * *

Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on yer armer

and go to the Poles.  See two it that your naber is there.  See that

the kripples air provided with carriages.  Go to the poles and stay all

day.  Bewair of the infamous lise whitch the Opposishun will be sartin

to git up fur perlitical effek on the eve of eleckshun.  To the

poles and when you git there vote jest as you darn please.  This is a

privilege we all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and

free land.

I see mutch to admire in New Englan.  Your gals in partickular air abowt

as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw.  They air fully equal to

the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny and will make the bestest kind of

wives.  It sets my Buzzum on fire to look at 'em.

Be still, my sole, be still,       & you, Hart, stop cuttin up!

I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, gumpshun

&c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust.  I allude to New England Rum.

It is wuss nor the korn whisky of Injianny, which eats threw stone

jugs & will turn the stummuck of the most shiftliss Hog.  I seldom seek

consolashun in the flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some

of your Rum.  The fust glass indused me to sware like a infooriated

trooper.  On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break

winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy down,

pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly commenced readin

Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail.  Its drefful stuff--a sort of lickwid

litenin, gut up under the personal supervishun of the devil--tears men's

inards all to peaces and makes their noses blossum as the Lobster.

Shun it as you would a wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to his tale, and

while you air abowt it you will do a first-rate thing for yourself and

everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin lickers.  You

don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin abowt the

trubble and sufferin they cawse.  But unless your inards air cast iron,

avoid New England's favorite Bevrige.

My frends, I'm dun.  I tear myself away from you with tears in my eyes

& a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close.  In the langwidge of Mister

Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, but perhaps I shall cum back agin.

Adoo, people of Weathersfield. Be virtoous & you'll be happy!

____________________

THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.

As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over into the

village.  The peasantry was glad to see me.  The skoolmaster sed it was

cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck among 'em onct more.  That's what

he called me.  I like the skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when

I'm off on a travelin campane.  Besides, he is a very sensible man.

Such men must be encouraged.

They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but a plank

road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much out of repair.  So

my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard to the wars.  'Squire Baxter

sed he'd voted the dimicratic ticket for goin on forty year, and the war

was a dam black republican lie.  Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the

Squire, and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet

5 dollars he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if he

wouldn't draw a knife on him.  So it went--sum was for war, and sum was

for peace.  The skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave Oligarky must cower

at the feet of the North ere a year had flowed by, or pass over his

dead corpse.  "Esto perpetua!" he added! "And sine qua non also!" sed I,

sternly, wishing to make a impression onto the villagers. "Requiescat

in pace!" sed the skoolmaster, "Too troo, too troo!" I anserd, "it's a

scanderlus fact!"

The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, and the patriotic

fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville.  'Squire Baxter sed he didn't

b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove by a file of

"Eagles of Liberty" in his garrit, that it was all a Whig lie, got up to

raise the price of whisky and destroy our other liberties.  But the old

'Squire got putty riley, when he heard how the rebels was cuttin up,

and he sed he reckoned he should skour up his old muskit and do a little

square fitin for the Old Flag, which had allers bin on the ticket he'd

voted, and he was too old to Bolt now.  The 'Squire is all right at

heart, but it takes longer for him to fill his venerable Biler with

steam than it used to when he was young and frisky.  As I previously

informed you, I am Captin of the Baldinsville Company.  I riz gradooally

but majestically from drummer's Secretary to my present position. But I

found the ranks wasn't full by no means, and commenced for to recroot.

Havin notist a gineral desire on the part of young men who are into

the crisis to wear eppylits, I detarmined to have my company composed

excloosviely of offissers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-Ginral.  The

follerin was among the varis questions which I put to recroots:

Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of gingerbread?

Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk?

If I trust you with a real gun, how many men of your own company do

you speck you can manage to kill durin the war?

Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri, and can you avoid

simler accidents in case of a battle?

Have you ever had the measles, and if so, how many?

How air you now?

Show me your tongue, &c., &c.  Sum of the questions was sarcusstical.

The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we went to the meetin house

in full uniform.  I had a seris time gittin into my military harness, as

it was bilt for me many years ago; but I finally got inside of it, tho'

it fitted me putty clost.  Howsever, onct into it, I lookt fine--in

fact, aw-inspirin. "Do you know me, Mrs. Ward?" sed I, walking into the

kitchin.

"Know you, you old fool? Of course I do."

I saw at once she did.

I started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid I tried to walk too

strate, for I cum very near fallin over backards; and in attemptin to

recover myself, my sword got mixed up with my legs, and I fell in among

a choice collection of young ladies, who was standin near the church

door a-seein the sojer boys come up.  My cockt hat fell off, and sumhow

my coat tales got twisted round my neck.  The young ladies put their

handkerchers to their mouths and remarked: "Te he," while my ancient

female single friend, Sary Peasley, bust out in a loud larf.  She

exercised her mouth so vilently that her new false teeth fell out onto

the ground.

"Miss Peaseley," sed I, gittin up and dustin myself, "you must be more

careful with them store teeth of your'n or you'll have to gum it agin!"

Methinks I had her.

I'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rather snoozy. I'm 'fraid

I did git half asleep, for on hearin the minister ask, "Why was man

made to mourn?" I sed, "I giv it up," havin a vague idee that it was a

condrum.  It was a onfortnit remark, for the whole meetin house lookt at

me with mingled surprise and indignation.  I was about risin to a pint

of order, when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept my seat,

blushin like the red, red rose--so to speak.

The next mornin I 'rose with the lark (N.B.--I don't sleep with the

lark, tho.' A goak).

My little dawter was execootin ballids, accompanyin herself with the

Akordeon, and she wisht me to linger and hear her sing: "Hark I hear a

angel singin, a angel now is onto the wing."

"Let him fly, my child!" sed I, a-bucklin on my armer; "I must forth to

my Biz."

We air progressin pretty well with our drill.  As all air commandin

offissers, there ain't no jelusy, and as we air all exceedin smart, it

t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each other.  The idee of a company

composed excloosively of Commanders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose

I skurcely need say, in these Brane.  Considered AS a idee, I flatter

myself it is putty hefty.  We've got all the tackticks at our tongs'

ends, but what we particly excel in is restin muskits.  We can rest

muskits with anybody.

Our corpse will do its dooty.  We go to the aid of Columby--we fight for

the stars!

We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our cote-tales to

the foe.

We'll fight till there's nothin left of us but our little toes and even

they shall defiantly wiggle!

"Ever of thee,"

A. Ward.

____________________

A WAR MEETING.

Our complaint just now is war meetin's.  They've bin havin 'em bad in

varis parts of our cheerful Republic, and nat'rally we caught 'em here

in Baldinsville.  They broke out all over us.  They're better attended

than the Eclipse was.

I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see the

Eclipse.  They labored into a impression that they couldn't see it to

home, and so they cum up to our place.  I cleared a very handsome amount

of money by exhibitin' the Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent.  But the

crowds is bigger now.  Posey County is aroused.  I may say, indeed, that

the pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire.

Our big meetin' came off the other night, and our old friend of the

Bugle was elected Cheerman.

The Bugle-Horn of Liberty is one of Baldinsville's most eminentest

institootions.  The advertisements are well-written, and the deaths and

marriages are conducted with signal ability.  The editor, MR. SLINKERS,

is a polish'd, skarcastic writer.  Folks in these parts will not soon

forgit how he used up the Eagle of Freedom, a family journal published

at Snootville, near here.  The controversy was about a plank road.

"The road may be, as our cotemporary says, a humbug; but our aunt isn't

bald-heded, and we haven't got a one-eyed sister Sal!  Wonder if the

Editor of the Eagle of Freedom sees it?"  This used up the Eagle

of Freedom feller, because his aunt's head does present a skinn'd

appearance, and his sister SARAH is very much one-eyed.  For a genteel

home-thrust, MR. SLINKERS has few ekals.  He is a man of great pluck

likewise.  He has a fierce nostril, and I believe upon my soul that if

it wasn't absolootly necessary for him to remain here and announce

in his paper, from week to week, that "our Gov'ment is about to take

vig'rous measures to put down the rebellion"--I b'lieve, upon my soul,

this illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier Gin'ral, and git his

Bounty.

___________ I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin', when

my daughter entered with a young man who was evijently from the city,

and who wore long hair, and had a wild expression into his eye.  In one

hand he carried a port-folio, and his other paw claspt a bunch of small

brushes.  My daughter introduced him as MR. SWEIBIER, the distinguished

landscape painter from Philadelphy.

"He is a artist, papa.  Here is one of his master-pieces--a young mother

gazin' admirin'ly upon her first-born," and my daughter showed me a

really pretty picter, done in ile.  "Is it not beautiful, papa?  He

throws so much soul into his work."

"Does he? does he?" said I--"well, I reckon I'd better hire him to

whitewash our fence.  It needs it.  What will you charge, sir," I

continued, "to throw some soul into my fence?"

My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter, takin' the artist

with her, and from the emphatical manner in which the door slam'd, I

concluded she was summat disgusted at my remarks.  She closed the door,

I may say, in italics.  I went into the closet and larfed all alone by

myself for over half an hour.  I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve

jars rattled like a cavalry offisser's sword and things, which it

aroused my BETSY, who came and opened the door pretty suddent.  She

seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly upon my

bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of the closet, incidentally

obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she should be compelled, at

her advanced stage of life, to open a assylum for sooperanooated idiots.

My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she isn't

always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce.  No, not always.

But to return to the war meetin'.  It was largely attended.  The Editor

of the Bugle arose and got up and said the fact could no longer be

disguised that we were involved in a war.  "Human gore," said he, "is

flowin'.  All able-bodied men should seize a musket and march to the

tented field.  I repeat it sir, to the tented field."

A voice--"Why don't you go yourself, you old blowhard?"

"I am identified, young man, with a Arkymedian leaver which moves the

world," said the Editor, wiping his auburn brow with his left coat-tail;

"I allude, young man, to the press: Terms, two dollars a year,

invariably in advance.  Job printing executed with neatness and

dispatch!"  And with this brilliant bust of elekance the Editor

introduced Mr. J. Brutus Hinkins, who is suffering from an attack of

College in a naberin' place.  Mr. Hinkins said Washington was not safe.

Who can save our national capeetle?

"DAN SETCHELL," I said.  "He can do it afternoons.  Let him plant his

light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make faces at the hirelin'

foe, and they'll skedaddle!  Old SETCH can do it."

"I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the Editor of the Bugle,--"I call

that Napoleonic man, whose life is adorned with so many noble virtues,

and whose giant mind lights up this warlike scene--I call him to order."

I will remark, in this connection, that the Editor of the "Bugle" does

my job printing.

"You," said Mr. Hinkins, "who live away from the busy haunts of men do

not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis.  The busy haunts of men is

where people comprehend this crisis.  We who live in the busy haunts of

men--that is to say, we dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men."

"I really trust that the gen'l'man will not fail to say suthin' about

the busy haunts of men before he sits down," said I.

"I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr. Hinkins, in

a slightly indignant tone, "and I shall brook no interruption, if I am a

Softmore."

"You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed, whereupon

there was cries of Order! order!"

"I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the young man.

"You might inlist as a liberty-pole," said I, in a silvery whisper.

"But," he added, "I have a voice, and that voice is for war."  The young

man then closed his speech with some strikin and orginal remarks in

relation to the star-spangled banner.  He was followed by the village

minister, a very worthy man indeed, but whose sermons have a tendency to

make people sleep pretty industriously.

"I am willin' to inlist for one," he said.

"What's your weight, parson?" I asked.

"A hundred and sixty pounds," he said.

"Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of morphine, your

dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a battle, and preach while

the surgical operations is bein' performed!  Think how much you'd save

the Gov'ment in morphine."

He didn't seem to see it; but he made a good speech, and the editor of

the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin' as follers:

RESOLVED, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now a war

goin' on, and

RESOLVED, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with the

secession movement, and that we hope the nine-months men--

At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery footsteps on

the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin' guns and led by BETSY JANE,

who brandish'd a loud and rattlin' umbereller, burst into the room.

"Here," cried I, "are some nine-months wimin!"

"Mrs. Ward," said the editor of the Bugle--"Mrs. WARD and ladies, what

means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration?"

"It means," said that remarkable female "that you men air makin' fools

of yourselves.  You air willin' to talk and urge others to go to the

wars, but you don't go to the wars yourselves.  War meetin's is very

nice in their way, but they don't keep STONEWALL JACKSON from comin'

over to Maryland and helpin' himself to the fattest beef critters.  What

we want is more cider and less talk.  We want you able-bodied men to

stop speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's

tail, and to go fi'tin'; otherwise you can stay to home and take keer of

the children, while we wimin will go to the wars!"

"Gentl'man," said I, "that's my wife!  Go in, old gal!" and I throw'd up

my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters.

"Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or wimin?" she

cried.

"With men--with men!" and our quoty was made up that very night.

There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's.  A war meetin',

in fact, without gas, would be suthin' like the play of HAMLET with the

part of OTHELLO omitted.

Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well sot up with

as any young lady in distress could expect to be, I am

Yours more'n anybody else's,

A. Ward

____________________

THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE.

If I'm drafted I shall resign.

Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon me I shall

feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum more worthy person.

Modesty is what ails me.  That's what's kept me under.

I meanter-say, I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted everywheres I've bin

inrold.  I must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in upards of 200 different

towns.  If I'd kept on travelin' I should hav eventooaly becum a

Brigade, in which case I could have held a meetin' and elected myself

Brigadeer-ginral quite unanimiss.  I hadn't no idea there was so many

of me before.  But, serisly, I concluded to stop exhibitin', and made

tracks for Baldinsville.

My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, and said, "It is me

fayther!  I thank the gods!"

She reads the Ledger.

"Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker!" said ARTEMUS, Jr.  He reads the

Clipper.

My wife was to the sowin' circle.  I knew she and the wimin folks was

havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females of the other sowin'

circle (which likewise met that arternoon, and was doubtless enjoyin'

theirselves ekally well in slanderin' the fust-named circle), and I

didn't send for her.  I allus like to see people enjoy theirselves.

My son ORGUSTUS was playin' onto a floot.

ORGUSTUS is a ethereal cuss.  The twins was bildin' cob-houses in a

corner of the kitchin'.

It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise this fam'ly, and yet it 'ud go

hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock.

An old bachelor is a poor critter.  He may have hearn the skylark or

(what's nearly the same thing) MISS KELLOGG and CARLOTTY PATTI sing; he

may have hearn OLE BULL fiddle, and all the DODWORTHS toot, an' yet he

don't know nothin' about music--the real, ginuine thing--the music of

the laughter of happy, well-fed children!  And you may ax the father of

sich children home to dinner, feelin werry sure there'll be no spoons

missin' when he goes away.  Sich fathers never drop tin five-cent pieces

into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs off onto blind hosses for

oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when their country's in danger--nor

do anything which is really mean.  I don't mean to intimate that the old

bachelor is up to little games of this sort--not at all--but I repeat,

he's a poor critter.  He don't live here; only stays.  He ought to

'pologize on behalf of his parients, for bein' here at all.  The happy

marrid man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife

and children.  The old bachelor don't die at all--he sort of rots away,

like a pollywog's tail.

____________ My townsmen were sort o' demoralized.  There was a evident

desine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and patritism was

below Par--and Mar, too.  [A jew desprit.]  I hadn't no sooner sot down

on the piazzy of the tavoun than I saw sixteen solitary hossmen, ridin'

four abreast, wendin' their way up the street.

"What's them?  Is it cavilry?"

"That," said the landlord, "is the stage.  Sixteen able-bodied citizens

has literally bo't the stage line 'tween here and Scotsburg.  That's

them.  They're Stage-drivers.  Stage-drivers is exempt!"

I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left hand.

"The mail is hevy, to-day," said the landlord.  "Gin'rally they don't

have more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em.  To-day they're got one a

piece!  Bile my lights and liver!"

"And the passengers?"

"There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landlord, "and what few

ther is very much prefer to walk, the roads is so rough."

"And how ist with you?" I inquired of the editor of the Bugle-Horn of

Liberty, who sot near me.

"I can't go," he said, shakin' his head in a wise way. "Ordinarily I

should delight to wade in gore, but my bleedin' country bids me stay at

home.  It is imperatively necessary that I remain here for the purpose

of announcin', from week to week, that our Gov'ment is about to take

vigorous measures to put down the rebellion!

I strolled into the village oyster-saloon, where I found Dr. SCHWAZEY, a

leadin' citizen in a state of mind which showed that he'd bin histin' in

more'n his share of pizen.

"Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered; "how's yer grandmams?  When you goin'

to feed your stuffed animils?"

"What's the matter with the eminent physician?" I pleasantly inquired.

"This," he said; "this is what's the matter.  I'm a habit-ooal

drunkard!  I'm exempt!"

"Jes' so."

"Do you see them beans, old man?" and he pinted to a plate before him.

"Do you see 'em?"

"I do.  They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly."

"Well," said he, "I hadn't eat anything since last week.  I eat beans

now because I eat beans then.  I never mix my vittles!"

"It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a while," I

said.  "It's a good idee to occasionally instruct the stummick that it

mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its sustainance."

"A blessin'," he cried; "a blessin' onto the hed of the man what

invented beans.  A blessin' onto his hed!"

"Which his name is GILSON! He's a first family of Bostin," said I.

____________

This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of residence.

A few was true blue.  The schoolmaster was among 'em.  He greeted me

warmly.  He said I was welkim to those shores.  He said I had a massiv

mind.  It was gratifyin', he said, to see the great intelleck stalkin'

in their midst onct more.  I have before had occasion to notice this

schoolmaster.  He is evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary

talents.

The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'.  The meetin'

was largely attended.  We held it in the open air round a roarin'

bonfire.

The schoolmaster was the first orator.  He's pretty good on the

speak.  He also writes well, his composition bein' seldom marred by

ingrammatticisms.  He said this inactivity surprised him.  "What do you

expect will come of this kind of doin's?  Nihil fit--"

"Hooray for Nihil!" I interrupted.  "Fellow-citizens, let's giv three

cheers for Nihil, the man who fit!"

The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated--Nihil fit.

"Exactly," I said.  "Nihil fit.  He wasn't a strategy feller."

"Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin' pleasantly,

"isn't posted in Virgil."

"No, I don't know him.  But if he's a able-bodied man he must stand his

little draft."

The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the subscriber took the

stand.

I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought all its

relations.  It has cum, I said, with a evident intention of makin' us a

good long visit.  It's goin' to take off its things and stop with us.

My wife says so too.  This is a good war.  For those who like this war,

it's just such a kind of war as they like.  I'll bet ye.  My wife says

so too.  If the Federal army succeeds in takin' Washington, and they

seem to be advancin' that way pretty often, I shall say it is strategy,

and Washington will be safe.  And that noble banner, as it were--that

banner, as it were--will be a emblem, or rather, I should say, that

noble banner--as it were.  My wife says so too.  [I got a little mixed

up here, but they didn't notice it.  Keep mum.]  Feller citizens, it

will be a proud day for this Republic when Washington is safe.  My wife

says so too.

The editor of the Bugle-Horn of Liberty here arose and said: "I do not

wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impertant despatch has just

bin received at the telegraph office here. I will read it.  It is as

follows: Gov'ment is about to take vigorous measures to put down the

rebellion! [Loud applause.]

That, said I, is cheering.  That's soothing.  And Washington will

be safe.  [Sensation.]  Philadelphia is safe.  Gen. PATTERSON'S in

Philadelphia.  But my heart bleeds partic'ly for Washington.  My wife

says so too.

There's money enough.  No trouble about money.  They've got a lot of

first-class bank-note engravers at Washington (which place, I regret

to say, is by no means safe) who turn out two or three cords of money a

day--good money, too.  Goes well.  These bank-note engravers made

good wages.  I expect they lay up property.  They are full of Union

sentiment.  There is considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, more

especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley.  My wife

says so too.

Then it isn't money we want.  But we do want men, and we must have

them.  We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe.  We must crush

the ungrateful rebels who are poundin' the Goddess of Liberty over the

head with slung-shots, and stabbin' her with stolen knives!  We must

lick 'em quick.  We must introduce a large number of first-class

funerals among the people of the South.  Betsy says so too.

This war hain't been too well managed.  We all know that.  What then?

We are all in the same boat--if the boat goes down, we go down with

her.  Hence we must all fight.  It ain't no use to talk now about

who caused the war.  That's played out.  The war is upon us--upon us

all--and we must all fight.  We can't "reason" the matter with the foe.

When, in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly

and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with him?  I

guess not.  And why "reason" with those other Southern people who are

trying to kick over the Republic!  Betsy, my wife, says so too.

The meeting broke up with enthusiasm.

We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it.

____________________

SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS.

It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England, some

thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the surrender of

Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that important event in the

history of the Revolutionary War.  A town meeting would be called, at

which a company of men would be detailed as British, and a company as

Americans--two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington

and Cornwallis in mimic surrender.

The pleasant little town of W----, in whose schools the writer has been

repeatedly "corrected," upon whose ponds he has often skated, upon whose

richest orchards he has, with other juvenile bandits, many times dashed

in the silent midnight; the town of W----, where it was popularly

believed these bandits would "come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate

the surrender.  Rival towns had celebrated, and W---- determined to

eclipse them in the most signal manner.  It is my privilege to tell how

W---- succeeded in this determination.

The great day came.  It was ushered in by the roar of musketry, the

ringing of the village church bell, the squeaking of fifes, and the

rattling of drums.

People poured into the village from all over the county. Never had

W----experienced such a jam.  Never had there been such an onslaught

upon gingerbread carts.  Never had New England rum (for this was before

Neal Dow's day) flowed so freely.  And W----'s fair daughters, who

mounted the house-tops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer.

The old folks came, too, and among them were several war-scarred heroes,

who had fought gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown.  These brave sons

of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but an honored bench was set

apart for their exclusive use on the piazza of Sile Smith's store.  When

they were dry, all they had to do was to sing out to Sile's boy,

Jerry, "a leetle New Englan' this way, if you please."  It was brought

forthwith.

At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new "Lepeen" watch, the

American and British forces marched on to the village green and placed

themselves in battle array, reminding the spectator of the time when

"Brave Wolfe drew up his men In a style most pretty, On the Plains of

Abraham Before the city."

The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire Wood, a

well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Cornwallis had been

given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but rather pompous person,

whose name was Caleb Jones.

'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with many

unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in his perplexity

he had emptied not only his own canteen but those of most of his

aids.  The consequence was--mortifying as it must be to all true

Americans--blushing as I do to tell it, Washington at the commencement

of the mimic struggle was most unqualifiedly drunk.

The sham fight commenced.  Bang! bang! bang! from the Americans--bang!

bang! bang! from the British.  The bangs were kept hotly up until the

powder gave out, and then came the order to charge.  Hundreds of wooden

bayonets flashed fiercely in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good

care not to hit anybody.

"Thaz (hic) right," shouted Washington, who during the shooting had been

racing his horse wildly up and down the line, "thaz right!  GIN it to

'em!  Cut their tarnal heads off!"

"On, Romans!" shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a theatrical

performance and remembered the heroic appeals of the Thespian

belligerents, "on to the fray!  No sleep till mornin'."

"Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, "and down with taxation

on tea!"

The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly arranged,

and Cornwallis, dismounting, prepared to present his sword to Washington

according to programme.  As he walked slowly towards the Father of

His Country he rehearsed the little speech he had committed for the

occasion, while the illustrious being who was to hear it was making

desperate efforts to keep in his saddle.  Now he would wildly brandish

his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, and then he

would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the mane

as drowning men seize hold of straws.  He was giving an inimitable

representation of Toodles on horseback.  All idea of the magnitude of

the occasion had left him, and when he saw Cornwallis approaching, with

slow and stately step, and sword-hilt extended toward him, he inquired,

"What'n devil you want, any (hic) how!"

"General Washington," said Cornwallis, in dignified and impressive

tones, "I tender you my sword.  I need not inform you, Sir, how

deeply--"

The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington, who, driving the

spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to ride over the commander

of the British forces.  He was not permitted to do this, for his aids,

seeing his unfortunate condition, seized the horse by the bridle,

straightened Washington up in his saddle, and requested Cornwallis to

proceed with his remarks.

"General Washington," said Cornwallis, "the British Lion prostrates

himself at the feet of the American Eagle!"

"Eagle? EAGLE!" yelled the infuriated Washington, rolling off his horse

and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the head with the flat of his

sword, "do you call me a EAGLE, you mean, sneakin' cuss?"  He struck him

again, sending him to the ground, and said, "I'll learn you to call me a

Eagle, you infernal scoundrel!"

Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a moment.  Smarting from

the blows he had received, he arose with an entirely unlooked for

recuperation on the part of the fallen, and in direct defiance of

historical example; in spite of the men of both nations, indeed, he

whipped the Immortal Washington until he roared for mercy.

The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the conduct of their

chief, now began to sympathize with him, and resolved to whip their mock

foes in earnest.  They rushed fiercely upon them, but the British were

really the stronger party and drove the Americans back.  Not content

with this they charged madly upon them and drove them from the

field--from the village, in fact.  There were many heads damaged, eyes

draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed--it is a wonder that

no one was killed outright.

Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but he

recovered at last.  For a time there was a coolness between himself

and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the whole county in

laughing about the surrender.

They live now.  Time, the "artist," has thoroughly whitewashed their

heads, but they are very jolly still.  On town meeting days the old

'Squire always rides down to the village.  In the hind part of his

venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old

white horse, but really to hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze.

This bottle has on one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other

may be seen the Goddess of Liberty.  What the bottle contains inside I

cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and Lawyer Jones

visit that bottle very frequently on town-meeting days and come back

looking quite red in the face.  When this redness in the face becomes

of the blazing kind, as it generally does by the time the polls close, a

short dialogue like this may be heard.

"We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones."

"Them days is over, 'Squire Wood!"

And they laugh and jocustly punch each other in the ribs.

____________________

THINGS IN NEW YORK.

The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in varis parts

of the United States of America large yeller hanbills, which not only

air gems of art in theirselves, but they troothfully sit forth the

attractions of my show--a show, let me here obsarve, that contains many

livin' wild animils, every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral.

Them hanbills is sculpt in New York.

& I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'um;

&, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Adress to the public on matters and

things.

Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the Pacific

Slopes and Utah.  I cum back now, with my virtoo unimpaired; but I've

got to git some new clothes.

Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence, & sum on um

is Sollum to contempulate.  The house in Varick street, where I used to

Board, is bein' torn down.  That house, which was rendered memoriable

by my livin' into it, is "parsin' away! parsin' away!"  But some of the

timbers will be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at

the low price of one dollar each.  Thus is changes goin' on continerly.

In the New World it is war--in the Old World Empires is totterin' &

Dysentaries is crumblin'.  These canes is cheap at a dollar.

Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's artist.  He studid

in Rome--State of New York.

I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as they're

sculpt.  You have to watch these ere printers pretty close, for they're

jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow.

But I have time to look around sum & how do I find things?  I return

to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, & what State do I

find the country in?  Why I don't know what State I find it in.  Suffice

it to say, that I do not find it in the State of New Jersey.

There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky.  We don't, for instuns,

lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't brave sojers--but there's one

thing I wish we did lack, and that is our present Congress.

I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a ten-hoss

power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such another pack of

poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of the United States of

America would be able to find--find among their constituents.

Gentleman of the Senit & of the House, you've sot there and draw'd

your pay and made summer-complaint speeches long enuff.  The country at

large, incloodin' the undersined, is disgusted with you.  Why don't you

show us a statesman--sumbody who can make a speech that will hit the

pop'lar hart right under the great Public weskit?  Why don't you show

us a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in the

Emergency's head?

Congress, you won't do.  Go home, you mizzerable devils--go home!

At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other day I

delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay.  I admit that Henry is dead, but

inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman in our National

Congress, let us by all means have a first-class corpse.

Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house I once

boarded in is essenshall to their happiness, should not delay about

sendin' the money right on for one.

My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, led my wide

circle of friends and creditors to think that I had bid adoo to earthly

things and was a angel playin' on a golden harp.  Hents my rival home

was on expected.

It was 11, P.M., when I reached my homestid and knockt a healthy knock

on the door thereof.

A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder.  (It was my

Betsy's nightcap.)  And a voice said:

"Who is it?"

"It is a Man!" I answered, in a gruff vois.

"I don't b'lieve it!" she sed.

"Then come down and search me," I replied.

Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A. W., Betsy!

Sweet lady, wake!  Ever of thou!"

"Oh," she said, "it's you, is it?  I thought I smelt something."

But the old girl was glad to see me.

In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a artist from

Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin water-falls and

mountains, and I morin suspected he had a hankerin' for my oldest

dauter.

"Mr. Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter.

"Glad to see you, Sir!" I replied in a hospittle vois.  "Glad to see

you."

"He is an artist, father," sed my child.

"A whichist?"

"An artist.  A painter."

"And glazier," I askt.  "Air you a painter and glazier, sir?"

My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it; I felt in a comikil

mood.

"It is a wonder to me, Sir," sed the artist, "considerin what a

widespread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern managers don't

secure you."

"It's a wonder to me," said I to my wife, "that somebody don't secure

him with a chain."

After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends.  The editor

of the Bugle greeted me cordyully, and showed me the follerin' article

he'd just written about the paper on the other side of the street:

"We have recently put up in our office an entirely new sink, of unique

construction--with two holes through which the soiled water may pass

to the new bucket underneath.  What will the hell-hounds of "The

Advertiser" say to this!  We shall continue to make improvements as

fast as our rapidly increasing business may warrant.  Wonder whether

a certain editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on

this community for a gold one?"

"That," says the Editor, "hits him whar he lives.  That will close him

up as bad as it did when I wrote an article ridicooling his sister,

who's got a cock-eye."

A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says he'll be

Dam if he goes to the war.  He was settin' on a barrel, and was indeed a

Loathsum objeck.

Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good old man preached

well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy.  The Editor of the Bugle,

who was with me, sed that prayer would make fifteen squares, solid

nonparil.

I don't think of nothin' more to write about.  So, "B'leeve me if all

those endearing young charms," &c., &c.

A. Ward.

____________________

IN CANADA.

I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of Gov'ment.  In other

words I'm travellin' among the crowned heds of Canady.  They ain't

pretty bad people.  On the cont'ry, they air exceedin' good people.

Troo, they air deprived of many blessins.  They don't enjoy for instans,

the priceless boon of a war.  They haven't any American Egil to onchain,

and they hain't got a Fourth of July to their backs.

Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am onable to perceeve much

moniky.  I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but failed to succeed.

Mrs. VICTORIA, who is Queen of England, and has all the luxuries of the

markets, includin' game in its season, don't bother herself much about

Canady, but lets her do 'bout as she's mighter.  She, however, gin'rally

keeps her supplied with a lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral.

Sometimes the politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord--for

Canady has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our

politicians, some of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no doubt.

The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord MONK.  I saw him review

some volunteers at Montreal.  He was accompanied by some other lords

and dukes and generals and those sort of things.  He rode a little bay

horse, and his close wasn't any better than mine.  You'll always notiss,

by the way, that the higher up in the world a man is, the less good

harness he puts on.  Hence Gin'ral HALLECK walks the streets in plain

citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regiment

piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, and drags a

forty-pound sword after him.

Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I understand it pays,

tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is.

The wages of sin is death and postage stamps.  But this has nothing to

do with MONK.

One of Lord MONK'S daughters rode with him on the field.  She has golden

hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat.  I should be very happy to

have her pay me and my family a visit at Baldinsville.  Come and bring

your knittin', Miss MONK.  Mrs. WARD will do the fair thing by you.

She makes the best slap-jacks in America.  As a slap-jackist, she has no

ekal.  She wears the Belt.

What the review was all about, I don't know.  I haven't a gigantic

intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct.  I am not a WEBSTER

or a SEYMOUR.  I am not a WASHINGTON or a OLD ABE.  Fur from it.  I am

not as gifted a man as HENRY WARD BEECHER.  Even the congregation of

Plymouth Meetin'-House in Brooklyn will admit that.  Yes, I should think

so.  But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was

fur, I will state that the sojers looked pooty scrumptious in their red

and green close.

Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck.  Quebeck was surveyed and laid

out by a gentleman who had been afflicted with the delirium tremens from

childhood, and hence his idees of things was a little irreg'ler.  The

streets don't lead anywheres in partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral.

The city is bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein'

a trifle wuss nor t'other one.  Quebeck is full of stone walls, and

arches, and citadels and things.  It is said no foe could ever git into

Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't.  And I don't see what they'd want to

get in there for.

Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way.  The French and

Britishers had a set-to there in 1759.  JIM WOLFE commanded the latters,

and JO. MONTCALM the formers.  Both were hunky boys, and fit nobly.

But WOLFE was too many measles for MONTCALM, and the French was slew'd.

WOLFE and MONTCALM was both killed.  In arter years a common monyment

was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, aided by a bully Earl

named GEORGE DALHOUSIE, to these noble fellows.  That was well done.

Durin' the Revolutionary War B. ARNOLD made his way, through dense woods

and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck, which it was one of the hunkiest

things ever done in the military line.  It would have been better if B.

ARNOLD'S funeral had come off immeditly on his arrival there.

On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', and ever since

then there has been a great demand for the bones of the slew'd on that

there occasion.  But the real ginooine bones was long ago carried off,

and now the boys make a hansum thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and

sheep out there, and sellin' 'em to intelligent American towerists.

Takin' a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays

genius of a lorfty character.

It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own.  I used to exhibit a wax

figger of HENRY WILKINS, the Boy Murderer.  HENRY had, in a moment of

inadvertence, killed his Uncle EPHRAM and walked off with the old man's

money.  Well, this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would

make any particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo

of one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer.  One night I

exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of Stoneham, Maine.

"This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, pointing my umbrella (that weapon

which is indispensable to every troo American) to the stattoo, "this is

a life-like wax figger of the notorious HENRY WILKINS, who in the dead

of night murdered his Uncle EPHRAM in cold blood.  A sad warning to

all uncles havin' murderers for nephews.  When a mere child this

HENRY WILKINS was compelled to go to the Sunday-school.  He carried no

Sunday-school book.  The teacher told him to go home and bring one.  He

went and returned with a comic song-book.  A depraved proceedin'."

"But," says a man in the audience, "when you was here before your wax

figger represented HENRY WILKINS as a boy.  Now, HENRY was hung, and yet

you show him to us now as a full-grown man!  How's that?"

"The figger has growd, sir--it has growd," I said.

I was angry.  If it had been in these times I think I should have

informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him put in Fort

Lafayette.

I say adoo to Quebeck with regret.  It is old-fogyish, but chock-full of

interest.  Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of mind, who air botherin'

their heads as to how they can spend their father's money, had better

see Quebeck.

Altogether I like Canady.  Good people and lots of pretty girls.

I wouldn't mind comin' over here to live in the capacity of a Duke,

provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further I could be allowed a few

tar-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon of liberty, etc.

Don't think I've skedaddled.  Not at all.  I'm coming home in a week.

Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we can't, I'm

in favor of the Union as it wasn't .  But the Union, anyhow.

Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be virtoous!  I

who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so.

(Signed,) "A Ward."

____________________

THE NOBLE RED MAN.

The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful person.  Justice

to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin' that orrigernerly he was a

majestic cuss.

At the time CHRIS. arrove on these shores (I allood to CHRIS. COLUMBUS),

the savajis was virtoous and happy.  They were innocent of secession,

rum, draw-poker, and sinfulness gin'rally.  They didn't discuss the

slavery question as a custom.  They had no Congress, faro banks,

delirium tremens, or Associated Press.  Their habits was consequently

good.  Late suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians,

pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were unknown

among them.  No savage in good standing would take postage-stamps.

You couldn't have bo't a coonskin with a barrel of 'em.  The female

Aboorygine never died of consumption, because she didn't tie her waist

up in whale-bone things; but in loose and flowin' garments she bounded,

with naked feet, over hills and plains, like the wild and frisky

antelope.  It was a onlucky moment for us when CHRIS. sot his foot onto

these 'ere shores.  It would have been better for us of the present day

if the injins had given him a warm meal and sent him home ore the

ragin' billers.  For the savages owned the country, and COLUMBUS was

a fillibuster.  CORTEZ, PIZARRO, and WALKER were one-horse

fillibusters--COLUMBUS was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large

yaller dog under the waggin.  I say, in view of the mess we are makin'

of things, it would have been better for us if cOLUMBUS had staid to

home.  It would have been better for the show bisniss.  The circulation

of "Vanity Fair" would be larger, and the proprietors would all have

boozum pins!  Yes, sir, and perhaps a ten-pin alley.

By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' that the scalpin'

wretches who are in the injin bisness at the present day are of any

account, or calculated to make home happy, specially the Sioxes of

Minnesoty, who desarve to be murdered in the first degree, and if POPE

will only stay in St. Paul and not go near 'em HIMSELF, I reckon they

will be.

____________________

ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND.

Richmond, Va.--May, 18 & 65.

OLONZO WARD.

Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I desire to

cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat in the paper from a

certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo Ward, & sez he is my berruther.

I did once hav a berruther of that name, but I do not recugnize him

now.  To me he is wuss than ded!  I took him from collige sum 16 years

ago and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show.  How

did he repay me for this kindness?  He basely undertook (one day while

in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the aujience in the

tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of

his boots & his Beard fallin' off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks

in that town, & likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press,

which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent

public.  I know no such man as Olonzo Ward.  I do not even wish his name

breathed in my presents.  I do not recognize him.  I perfectly disgust

him.

RICHMOND.

The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb.  I cum here a few

days arter the city catterpillertulated.

My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' bravery onto the

part of a man at my time of life, but our family was never know'd to

quale in danger's stormy hour.

My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War.  My father once had a

intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.

He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to pay him in

the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those lamps."  Lafy was

French, and his knowledge of our langwidge was a little shaky.

Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood House, and

callin' to my assistans a young man from our town who writes a good

runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the Register, and handin' my

umbrella to a baldheded man behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr.

Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy, how does she run?"

He called a cullud purson, and said,

"Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart number 1."

"Isn't Grant here?" I said.  "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my turnin'

in with him."

"Do you know the Gin'ral?" inquired Mr. Spotswood.

"Wall, no, not 'zacky; but he'll remember me.  His brother-in-law's Aunt

bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one winter.  My uncle Levi's

rye meal was--"

"Pooh! pooh!" said Spotsy, "don't bother me," and he shuv'd my umbrella

onto the floor.  Obsravin' to him not to be so keerless with that wepin,

I accompanid the African to my lodgins.

"My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin mancipated?  Do you

realize how glorus it is to be free?  Tell me, my dear brother, does it

not seem like some dreams, or do you realize the great fact in all its

livin' and holy magnitood?"

He sed he would take some gin.

I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-mule cart.  The

hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't gone to the Libby

Prison.  Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble enuff if the bed-clothes

hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and

hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off.  I thus lost my cuverin',

and my throat feels a little husky this mornin'.

Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin me my

choice of hospitals.

He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a smallpox amboolance.

UNION SENTIMENT.

There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city.  I see it on

ev'ry hand.

I met a man to-day--I am not at liberty to tell his name, but he is a

old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez he, "Why!  We've

bin fightin' agin the Old Flag!  Lor' bless me, how sing'lar!"  He then

borrer'd five dollars of me and bust into a flood of teers.

Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel), "Let us at

once stop this effooshun of Blud!  The Old Flag is good enuff for me.

Sir," he added, "you air from the North!  Have you a doughnut or a piece

of custard pie about you?"

I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just organized

a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a very comfortable

breakfast on New England rum and cheese.  He borrowed fifty cents of me,

and askin' me to send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I

got home, he walked off.

Said another, "There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from the

fust.  But we was kept down by a rain of terror.  Have you a dagerretype

of Wendell Phillips about your person? and will you lend me four dollars

for a few days till we air once more a happy and united people."

JEFF. DAVIS.

Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here.  She is regarded as a Southern

sympathizer.  & yit I'm told he was kind to his Parents.  She ran away

from 'em many years ago, and has never bin back.  This was showin' 'em

a good deal of consideration when we refleck what his conduck has been.

Her captur in female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you

see I speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he feels

so hisself.

R. LEE.

Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller.

He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword very

reluctant.  In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at all, only he

had a large stock of military clothes on hand, which he didn't want to

waste.  He sez the colored man is right, and he will at once go to New

York and open a Sabbath School for negro minstrels.

THE CONFEDERATE ARMY.

The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the Confedrit

Army in a ruther shattered state.  That army now consists of Kirby

Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is movin' rapidly to'rds Texis.

A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER.

Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house to-day and

encountered a young man with long black hair and slender frame.  He

didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear looked onhealthy.

He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scornful, "So, Sir--you come here to

taunt us in our hour of trouble, do you?"

"No," said I, "I cum here for hash!"

"Pish-haw!" he sed sneerinly, "I mean you air in this city for the

purposes of gloating over a fallen people.  Others may basely succumb,

but as for me, I will never yield--NEVER, NEVER!"

"Hav' suthin' to eat!" I pleasantly suggested.

"Tripe and onions!" he sed furcely; then he added, "I eat with you, but

I hate you.  You're a low-lived Yankee!"

To which I pleasantly replied, "How'l you have your tripe?"

"Fried, mudsill! with plenty of ham-fat!"

He et very ravenus.  Poor feller!  He had lived on odds and ends for

several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned over by revelers in

the bread tray at the bar.

He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards me.  "After

all," he sed, "you have sum people at the North who air not wholly

loathsum beasts?"

"Well, yes," I sed, "we hav' now and then a man among us who isn't a

cold-bluded scoundril.  Young man," I mildly but gravely sed, "this

crooil war is over, and you're lickt!  It's rather necessary for sumbody

to lick in a good square, lively fite, and in this 'ere case it happens

to be the United States of America.  You fit splendid, but we was too

many for you.  Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put

the Republic on a firmer basis nor ever.

"I don't gloat over your misfortuns, my young fren'.  Fur from it.

I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer nor it once was.  You see my

spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like tears.  I'm thinkin' of

the sea of good rich Blud that has been spilt on both sides in this

dredful war!  I'm thinkin' of our widders and orfuns North, and of

your'n in the South.  I kin cry for both.  B'leeve me, my young fren',

I kin place my old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny

maid whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet,

and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner like me kin say

anythin', God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor dear."

I riz up to go, & takin' my young Southern fren' kindly by the hand, I

sed, "Yung man, adoo!  You Southern fellers is probly my brothers, tho'

you've occasionally had a cussed queer way of showin' it!  It's over

now.  Let us all line in and make a country on this continent that shall

giv' all Europe the cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us!

Adoo, adoo!"

And as I am through, I likewise say adoo to you, jentle reader, merely

remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is wavin' round loose agin,

and that there don't seem to be anything the matter with the Goddess of

Liberty beyond a slite cold.

Artemus Ward.

____________________

ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.

FRIEND WALES,--You remember me.  I saw you in Canady a few years ago.  I

remember you too.  I seldim forget a person.

I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment ter writ you

a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bildin a barn this

summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks.  Excoose me.

Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic.  The

body politic, in fack, is sick.  I sometimes think it has got biles,

friend Wales.

In my country we've got war, while your country, in conjunktion with

Cap'n Sems of the "Alobarmy," manetanes a nootral position!

I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it.  Oh no, I guess not!

Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses,

you bet.

I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy to

sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin krusht.

And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied

relations has got to prosekoot the war.  I think sumbody oughter be

prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as any body else.  When I git a

goakin fit onto me it's no use to try ter stop me.

You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt.  It caused sum

squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it hit all

classes.  It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American citizen of

African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who is Conservativ,

and who wus resuntly sent South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry

Tortoogus if Abe had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would

keep him.

We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin'

circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we wasn't long in suspents as

to who was drafted.

One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was the only

son of a widow'd mother who supported him.  A few able-bodid dead men

was drafted, but whether their heirs will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars

a peace for 'em is a question for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up

this draft bizniss right smart.  I hope he makes good wages.

I think most of the conscrips in this place will go.  A few will go to

Canady, stopping on their way at Concord, N.H., where I understan there

is a Muslum of Harts.

You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no offense is

ment.  You know I ain't a politician, and never was.  I vote for Mr.

Union--that's the only candidate I've got.  I claim, howsever, to have

a well-balanced mind; tho' my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from

the idees of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson.  Billson

and me orjanized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard,

or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard.  The play didn't take

particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some immoral dramy.

We had a large troop onto our hands, consisting of eight tragedians

and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you

hain't got a well-balanced mind.  Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he

was a low cuss)--yes, I have.  I have a mind, says he, that balances

in any direction that the public rekires.  That's wot I call a

well-balanced mind.  I sold out and bid adoo to Billson.  He is now an

outcast in the State of Vermont.  The miser'ble man once played Hamlet.

There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire to slow moosic, he

died playin' on a claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin'

groans, & such is the world!  Alars! alars! how onthankful we air to

that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow money, and

fail und do bizniss!

But to return to our subjeck.  With our resunt grate triumps on the

Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters no Father need

feel 'shamed of--twig the wittikism?) and the cheerin' look of things

in other places, I reckon we shan't want any Muslum of Harts.  And what

upon airth do the people of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for?

Hain't you got the State House now? & what more do you want?

But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all.  My

objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice, friend Wales,

about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years

experience in.

You had a good weddin.  The papers have a good deal to say about

"vikins" in connexion thare with.  Not knowings what that air, and so I

frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the throne, I can't zackly say

whether we hab 'em or not.  We was both very much flustrated.  But I

never injoyed myself better in my life.

Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n.  As regards eatin' uses,

Baldinsville was allers shaky.  But you can git a good meal in New York,

& cheap to.  You can git half a mackril at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason

Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throw'd in.

As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble.  When I fust

commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them

as didn't work I abanding'd.  You'd better do similer.  Your wife may

objeck to gittin' up and bildin' the fire in the mornin', but if you

commence with her at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss.

I regret to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff.  I wouldn't have

you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed.  Not at all.  I simply say, in

regard to bildin' fires, that, I didn't commence arly enuff.  It was a

ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy.  It wasn't

well received, and I found myself layin' on the floor putty suddent.  I

thought I'd git up and bild the fire myself.

Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions.  I allus did, and if I

know my own hart, I allus will.  My daughter, who is goin' on 17 and is

frisky, says they's disgustin.  And speaking of my daughter reminds me

that quite a number of young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a

very entertainin' old feller, and they visit us frekently, specially on

Sunday evenins.  One young chap--a lawyer by habit--don't cum as much

as he did.  My wife's father lives with us.  His intelleck totters a

little, and he saves the papers containin' the proceedins of our State

Legislater.  The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads

tol'ble well.  He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; but as

he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads

slow.  Wall, whenever this lawyer made his appearance I would set the

old man a-reading the Legislativ' reports.  I kept the young lawyer

up one night till 12 o'clock listenin to a lot of acts in regard to

a drawbridge away orf in the east part of the State, havin' sent my

daughter to bed at half-past 8.  He hasn't bin there since, and I

understan' he says I go round swindlin' the Public.

I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct.  I shall never attempt

agin.  I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed

into drinkin' several people's healths; and wishin' to make 'em as

robust as possible, I continnerd drinkin' their healths until my own

became affected.  Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside

late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about my person.  I had

sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum

cranky observations of Mrs. Ward's in the mornin', I snapt the whip

putty lively, and in a very loud woice, I sed, "Betsy, you need

reorganizin'!  I have cum, Betsy," I continued--crackin the whip over

the bed--"I have cum to reorganize you! Haave you per-ayed tonight?"

* * * * * * * *

I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootiv

times; and when I woke up I found she had.  I hain't drank much of

anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I

shall let it out.

My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustained a good character.

She's a good cook.  Her mother lived to a vener'ble age, and died while

in the act of frying slapjacks for the County Commissioners.  And may no

rood hand pluk a flour from her toomstun!  We hain't got any picter of

the old lady, because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore

I can't giv her likeness to the world through the meejum of the

illusterated papers; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly,

I don't s'pose they'd publish it, any how.

It's best to give a woman considerable lee-way.  But not too much.  A

naber of mine, Mr. Roofus Minkins, was once very sick with the fever,

but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard while she was cleanin'

house.  I toald Roofus this wasn't the thing, 'specially as it was

rainin' vi'lently; but he said he wanted to giv his wife "a little

lee-way."  That was 2 mutch.  I told Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would

die if he staid out there into the rain much longer; when she said, "It

shan't be my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him

his mother's Bible.  It was orful!  I stood by, however, and nussed him

as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I tell you.

There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and

only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to.  I 'dopted

that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.

Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you both!  And as

years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you--among which I hope

there'll be Twins--you will agree with me that family joys air the only

ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'.

It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint

of view.  I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a cab'net

offisser does, & I understand my business a good deal better than some

of them do.

Respecks to St. George & the Dragon.

Ever be 'appy

A. Ward

____________________

MOSES THE SASSY; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE.

CHAPTER I.--ELIZY.

My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin.  In the parler of a

bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly young lady,

whose hair is cuvered ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers.  She

has just sot down to the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called

"Smells of the Notion," in which she tells how, with pensiv thought, she

wandered by a C beat shore.  The son is settin in its horizon, and its

gorjus light pores in a golden meller flud through the winders, and

makes the young lady twict as beautiful nor what she was before, which

is onnecessary.  She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque,

with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting.

Also, considerable gauze.  Her dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes

is red morocker, with gold spangles onto them.  Presently she jumps

up with a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow, she exclaims:

"Methinks I see a voice!"

A noble youth of 27 summers enters.  He is attired in a red shirt and

black trowsis, which last air turned up over his boots; his hat, which

it is a plug, being cockt onto one side of his classical hed.  In

sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, with a fine shape.  Grease, in

its barmiest days, near projuced a more hefty cavileer.  Gazin upon him

admiringly for a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself

into a tabloo, and stated as follers.

"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight?  Is it some dreams?  No, I reckon

not!  That frame! them store close! those nose!  Yes, it is me own, me

only Moses!"

He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was "a hunkey

boy."

CHAPTER II.--WAS MOSES Of NOBLE BIRTH?

Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40.  Forty's fellers had just bin

havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on the day I introjuce

Moses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full of trofees, to wit:

4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears, (which he chawed off) and several

half and quarter sections of noses.  When the fair Elizy recovered from

her delight at meetin Moses, she said:--"How hast the battle gonest?

Tell me!"

"We chawed 'em up--that's what we did!" said the bold Moses.

"I thank the gods!" said the fair Elizy.  "Thou did'st excellent well.

And, Moses," she continnered, layin her hed confidinly agin his weskit,

"dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth?"

"No!" said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself.  "You don't say so!"

"Indeed do I!  Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me the tother

night."

"Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," said Moses.

"I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did!" replied Elizy.  "He said,

'Moses is a Disguised Juke!'"

"You mean Duke," said Moses.

"Dost not the actors all call it Juke?" said she.

That settled the matter.

"I hav thought of this thing afore," said Moses, abstractedly.  "If it

is so, then thus it must be!  2 B or not 2 B!  Which?  Sow, sow!  But

enuff.  O life! life!--you're too many for me"  He tore out some of his

pretty yeller hair, stampt on the floor sevril times, and was gone.

CHAPTER III.--THE PIRUT FOILED.

Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens narrated in the

last chapter took place.  A noble ship, the Sary Jane, is a sailin from

France to Ameriky via the Wabash Canal.  A pirut ship is in hot pursoot

of the Sary.  The pirut capting isn't a man of much principle and

intends to kill all the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the

wallerbles.  The capting of the S.J. is on the pint of givin in, when a

fine lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes forored

and obsarves:

"Old man! go down stairs!  Retire to the starbud bulkhed!  I'll take

charge of this Bote!"

"Owdashus cuss!" yelled the capting, "away with thee or I shall do

mur-rer-der-r-r!"

"Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond-hilted

fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed.  He expired shortly, his last

words bein, "we are governed too much."

"People!" sed the stranger, "I'm the Juke d'Moses!"

"Old hoss!" sed a passenger, "methinks thou art blowin!" whareupon the

Juke cut orf his hed also.

"Oh that I should live to see myself a dead body!" screamed the

unfortnit man.  "But don't print any verses about my deth in the

newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye!"

"People!" sed the Juke, "I alone can save you from yon bloody pirut!

Ho! a peck of oats!"  The oats was brought, and the Juke, boldly

mountin the jibpoop, throwed them onto the towpath.  The pirut rapidly

approached, chucklin with fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his

ill-gotten gains.  But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent

on comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour them.  In vain the

piruts swore and throwd stones and bottles at the hoss--he wouldn't

budge a inch.  Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the full jump, was

fast leavin the pirut ship!

"Onct agin do I escape deth!" sed the Juke between his clencht teeth,

still on the jibpoop.

CHAPTER IV.  THE WANDERER'S RETURN.

The Juke was Moses the Sassy!  Yes, it was!

He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin, which gave

birth to a Bunker Hill!!  He had some trouble in gitting hisself

acknowledged as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones

were fernest him, but he finally conkered.  Elizy knowd him right off,

as one of his ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his

fights with opposition firemen during boyhood's sunny hours.  They

lived to a green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small.  Their

children, of which they have numerous, often go up onto the Common and

see the Fountain squirt.

This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein perfeck,

but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10 they can

either make life as barren as the Desert of Sarah, or as joyyus as a

flower garding, my object will have been accomplished, and more too.

____________________

MARION:  A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL.

I.

--, Friday, --, 1860.

On the sad sea shore!  Always to hear the moaning of these dismal waves!

Listen.  I will tell you my story--my story of love, of misery, of black

despair.

I am a moral Frenchman.

She whom I adore, whom I adore still, is the wife of a fat Marquis--a

lop-eared, blear-eyed,greasy Marquis.  A man without soul.  A man

without sentiment, who cares naught for moonlight and music.  A low,

practical man, who pays his debts.  I hate him.

II.

She, my soul's delight, my empress, my angel, is superbly beautiful.

I loved her at first sight--devotedly, madly.

She dashed past me in her coupe.  I saw her but a moment--perhaps only

an instant--but she took me captive then and there, forevermore.

Forevermore!

I followed her, after that, wherever she went.  At length she came to

notice, to smile upon me.  My motto was en avant!  That is a French

word.  I got it out of the back part of Worcester's Dictionary.

III.

She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own house.  Oh, joy,

joy unutterable, to see her at her own house!

I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moonlight.

She came down the graveled walk to meet me, on this beautiful

midsummer night--came to me in pure white, her golden hair in splendid

disorder--strangely beautiful, yet in tears!

She told me her fresh grievances.

The Marquis, always a despot, had latterly misused her most vilely.

That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed the fishballs and sneered

at the pickled onions.

She is a good cook.  The neighbors will tell you so.  And to be told by

the base Marquis--a man who, previous to his marriage, had lived at

the cheap eating-houses--to be told by him that her manner of frying

fishballs was a failure--it was too much.

Her tears fell fast.  I too wept.  I mixed my sobs with her'n.  "Fly

with me!" I cried.

Her lips met mine.  I held her in my arms.  I felt her breath upon my

cheek!  It was Hunkey.

"Fly with me.  To New York!  I will write romances for the Sunday

papers--real French romances, with morals to them.  My style will be

appreciated.  Shop girls and young mercantile persons will adore it, and

I will amass wealth with my ready pen."

Ere she could reply--ere she could articulate her ecstasy, her husband,

the Marquis, crept snake-like upon me.

Shall I write it?  He kicked me out of the garden--he kicked me into the

street.

I did not return.  How could I?  I, so ethereal, so full of soul, of

sentiment, of sparkling originality!  He, so gross, so practical, so

lop-eared!

Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again.

So I left Paris for this place--this place, so lonely, so dismal.

Ah me!

Oh dear!

____________________

A ROMANCE.--WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT.

I.

"No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage

until you are her equal in wealth and social position."

The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person

whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man of twenty-five.

With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately mansion.

II.

Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the haughty old

man.

"What!  YOU here again?" angrily cried the old man.

"Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker.  "I am here, your

daughter's equal and yours?"

The old man's lips curled with scorn.  A derisive smile lit up his

cold features; when, casting violently upon the marble center table an

enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barker cried--

"See!  Look on this wealth.  And I've tenfold more!  Listen, old man!

You spurned me from your door.  But I did not despair.  I secured a

contract for furnishing the Army of the---with beef--"

"Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the old man.

"--and I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could find--"

"I see!  I see!" cried the old man.  "And good beef they make, too."

"They do! they do! and the profits are immense."

"I should say so!"

"And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand!"

"Boy, she is yours.  But hold!  Look me in the eye.  Throughout all this

have you been loyal?"

"To the core!" cried William Barker.

"And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in

favor of a vigorous prosecution of the war?"

"I am, I am!"

"Then, boy take her!  Maria, child, come hither.  Your William claims

thee.  Be happy, my children!  And whatever our lot in life may be, let

us all support the government"

____________________

A ROMANCE--THE CONSCRIPT.

[Which may bother the reader a little unless he is familiar with the

music of the day.]

CHAPTER I.

Philander Reed struggled with spool-thread and tape in a dry-goods store

at Ogdensburg, on the St. Lawrence River, State of New York.  He Rallied

Round the Flag, Boys, and Hailed Columbia every time she passed that

way.  One day a regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along,

bringing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the South

about the time Babylon was a-Fallin', and when it was apparent to all

well-ordered minds that the Kingdom was Coming, accompanied by the Day

of Jubilee.  Philander left his spool-thread and tape, rushed into

the street, and by his Long-Tail Blue, sed, "Let me kiss him for his

Mother."  Then, with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, "How is your

High Daddy in the Morning?" to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied,

"That poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more!  But

U.S.G. is the man for me, or Any other Man."  Then he Walked Round.

"And your Master," sed Philander, "where is he?"

"Massa's in the cold, cold ground--at least I hope so!" sed the gay

contraband.

"March on, March on! all hearts rejoice!" cried the Colonel, who was

mounted on a Bob-tailed nag--on which, in times of Peace, my soul, O

Peace! he had betted his money.

"Yaw," sed a German Bold Sojer Boy, "we don't-fights-mit-Segel as much

as we did."

The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to his mother's

Cottage Near the Banks of that Lone River, and rehearsed the stirring

speech he was to make that night at a war meeting.

"It's just before the battle, Mother," he said, "and I want to say

something that will encourage Grant."

CHAPTER II.--MABEL.

Mabel Tucker was an orphan.  Her father, Dan Tucker, was run over one

day by a train of cars though he needn't have been, for the kind-hearted

engineer told him to Git out of the Way.

Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the milinery business,

and at the time we introduce her to our readers she was Chief Engineer

of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing Machine.

Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was Fondly Dreaming;

and she used to say, "Will you love me Then as Now?" to which he would

answer that he would, and without the written consent of his parents.

She sat in the parlor of the Cot where she was Born, one Summer's eve,

with pensive thought, when Somebody came Knocking at the Door.  It was

Philander.  Fond Embrace and things.  Thrilling emotions.  P. very pale

and shaky in the legs.  Also, sweaty.

"Where hast thou been?" she sed.  "Hast been gathering shells from youth

to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild?  Why this tremors?  Why

these Sadfulness?"

"Mabeyuel!" he cried.  "Mabeyuel!  They've Drafted me into the Army!"

An orderly Surgeant now appears and says, "Come, Philander, let's be

a-marching;"  And he tore her from his embrace (P.'s) and marched the

conscript to the Examining Surgeon's office.

Mabel fainted in two places.  It was worse than Brother's Fainting at

the Door.

CHAPTER III.--THE CONSCRIPT.

Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead-broken Reed,

so he must either become one of the noble Band who are Coming, Father

Abraham, three hundred thousand more, or skedaddle across the St.

Lawrence River to the Canada Line.  As his opinions had recently

undergone a radical change, he chose the latter course, and was soon

Afloat, afloat, on the swift rolling tide.  "Row, brothers, row," he

cried, "the stream runs fast, the Sergeant is near, and the Zamination's

past, and I'm a able-bodied man."

Landing, he at once imprinted a conservative kiss on the Canada Line,

and feelingly asked himself, "Who will care for Mother now?  But I

propose to stick it out on this Line if it takes all Summer."

CHAPTER IV.--THE MEETING.

It was evening, it was.  The Star of the Evening, Beautiful Star, shone

brilliantly, adorning the sky with those "Neutral" tints which have

characterized all British skies ever since this War broke out.

Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard-stick, and

perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade piece of calico; when

Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang from a small boat to his side.

The meeting was too much.  They divided a good square faint between them

this time.  At last Philander found his utterance, and said, "Do they

think of me at Home, do they ever think of me?"

"No," she replied, "but they do at the recruiting office."

"Ha! 'tis well."

"Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, "come home and go to the war like a man!

I will take your place in the Dry Goods store.  True, a musket is

a little heavier than a yardstick, but isn't it a rather more manly

weapon?"

"I don't see it," was Philander's reply; "besides, this war isn't

conducted accordin' to the Constitution and Union.  When it is--when it

is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist as a Convalescent!"

"Then, sir," she said, with much American disgust in her countenance,

"then, sir, farewell!"

"Farewell!" he said, "and When this Cruel War is Over, pray that we may

meet again!"

"Nary!" cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire,--"nary.  None but the

Brave deserve the Sanitary Fair!  A man who will desert his country in

its hour of trial would drop Faro checks into the Contribution Box on

Sunday.  I hain't got time to tarry--I hain't got time to stay!--but

here's a gift at parting: a White Feather: wear it in your hat!" and She

was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream.

Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young man, in a fit of

frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods scissors, cut off four yards

(good measure) of the Canada Line, and hanged himself on a Willow Tree.

Requiescat in Tape.  His stick drifted to My Country, 'tis of thee!

And may be seen, in connection with many others, on the stage of any New

York theatre every night.

The Canadians won't have any line pretty soon.  The skedaddlers will

steal it.  Then the Canadians won't know whether they're in the United

States or not, in which case they may be drafted.

Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy.

____________________

A ROMANCE--ONLY A MECHANIC.

In a sumptuously furnished parlor in Fifth Avenue, New York, sat a proud

and haughty belle.  Her name was Isabel Sawtelle.  Her father was a

millionaire, and his ships, richly laden, ploughed many a sea.

By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man with a clear, beautiful

eye, and a massive brow.

"I must go," he sed, "the foreman will wonder at my absence."

"The foreman?" asked Isabel in a tone of surprise.

"Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work."

"Foreman--shop--work! What! do you work."

"Aye, Miss Sawtelle!  I am a cooper!" and his eyes flashed with honest

pride.

"What's that?" she asked; "it is something about barrels, isn't it!"

"It is!" he said, with a flashing nostril.  "And hogsheads."

"Then go!" she said in a tone of disdain--"go away!"

"Ha!" he cried, "you spurn me, then, because I am a mechanic.  Well,

be it so! though the time will come, Isabel Sawtelle," he added, and

nothing could exceed his looks at this moment--"when you will bitterly

remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast off?  Farewell!"

________________

Years rolled on.  Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristocrat, who

recently died of delirium tremens.  Her father failed, and is now a

raving maniac, and wants to bite little children.  All her brothers

(except one) were sent to the penitentiary for burglary, and her mother

peddles clams that are stolen for her by little George, her only son

that has his freedom.  Isabel's sister Bianca rides an immoral spotted

horse in the circus, her husband having long since been hanged for

murdering his own uncle on his mother's side.  Thus we see that it is

always best to marry a mechanic.

____________________

ROBERTO THE ROVER:--A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE.

_______________

CHAPTER I.--FRANCE.

Our story opens in the early part of the year 17--.  France was rocking

wildly from centre to circumference.  The arch despot and unscrupulous

man, Richard the III., was trembling like an aspen leaf upon his

throne.  He had been successful, through the valuable aid of Richelieu

and Sir. Wm. Donn, in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he

trembled!  O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnappsgoot

of Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their

forces--some nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all--and were

overtly at work, their object being to oust the tyrant.  O'Mulligan

was a young man between fifty-three years of age and was chiefly

distinguished for being the son of his aunt on his great grandfather's

side.  Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education, having passed three

weeks at Oberlin College.  He was a man of great hardihood, also, and

would frequently read an entire column of "railway matters" in the

"Cleveland Herald" without shrieking with agony.

_______________

CHAPTER II.--THE KING.

The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr. Gloster) sat upon his throne

in the Palace d' St. Cloud.  He was dressed in his best clothes, and

gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere.  Courtiers, in glittering

and golden armor, stood ready at his beck.  He sat moodily for a

while, when suddenly his sword flashed from its silver scabbard, and he

shouted--

"Slaves, some wine, ho!"

The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of champagne and a

hoe were placed before him.

As the king raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near by,

proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, cried--"Drink

hearty, old feller."

"Reports traveling on lightning-wings, whisper of strange goings on

and cuttings up throughout this kingdom.  Knowest thou aught of these

things, most noble Hellitysplit?" and the king drew from the upper

pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper of John Anderson's solace and

proceeded to take a chaw.

"Treason stalks monster-like throughout unhappy France, my liege!" said

the noble Hellitysplit.  "The ranks of the P.Q.R.'s are daily swelling,

and the G.R.J.A.'s are constantly on the increase.  Already the

peasantry scout at cat-fish, and demand pickled salmon for their noonday

repasts.  But, my liege," and the brave Hellitysplit eyes flashed fire,

"myself and sword are at thy command?"

"Bully for you, Count," said the king.  "But soft: methinks

report--perchance unjustly--hast spoken suspiciously of thee, most Royal

d'Sardine?  How is this?  Is it a newspaper yarn?  WHAT'S UP?"

D'Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the king's feet, and

said: "Most patient, gray, and red-headed skinner; my very approved

skin-plaster: that I've been asked to drink by the P.Q.R.'s, it is most

true, true I have imbibed sundry mugs of lager with them.  The very head

and front of my offending hath this extent, no more."

"'Tis well!" said the King, rising and looking fiercely around. "Hadst

thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut off yer head,

and spilled your ber-lud all over the floor!  If I wouldn't, blow me!"

_______________

CHAPTER III.--THE ROVER.

Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter indubitably

were, those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER.  Again are we in the

mighty presence of the King, and again is he surrounded by splendour and

gorgeously-mailed courtiers.  A sea-faring man stands before him.  It is

Roberto the Rover, disguised as a common sailor.

"So," said the King, "thou wouldst have audience with me!"

"Aye aye, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer grapplin irons

and pipe all hands on deck.  Reef home yer jib poop and splice yer main

topsuls.  Man the jibboom and let fly yer top-gallunts.  I've seen

some salt water in my days, yer land lubber, but shiver my timbers if

I hadn't rather coast among seagulls than landsharks.  My name is Sweet

William.  You're old Dick the Three.  Ahoy!  Awast!  Dam my eyes!" and

Sweet William pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the

manner of sailors on the stage, and consequently not a bit like those on

shipboard.

"Mariner," said the King, gravely, "thy language is exceeding lucid, and

leads me to infer that things is workin' bad."

"Aye, aye, my hearty!" yelled Sweet William, in dulcet strains,

reminding the King of the "voluptuous smell of physic," spoken of by the

late Mr. Byron.

"What wouldst thou, seafaring man?" asked the King.

"This!" cried the Rover, suddenly taking off his maritime clothing and

putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled with diamonds.  "This!

I am Roberto the Rover!"

The King was thunder-struck.  Cowering back in his chair of state,

he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, "Well, may I be

gaul-darned!"

"Ber-lud!  Ber-lud!  Ber-lud!" shrieked the Rover, as he drew a

horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally killed, his last

words being, "WE ARE GOVENRED TOO MUCH--THIS IS THE LAST OF EARTH!!!"

At this exciting juncture Messrs. O'Mulligan and Schnappsgoot (who had

previously entered into a copartnership with the Rover for the purpose

of doing a general killing business) burst into the room and cut off

the heads and let out the inwards of all the noblemen they encountered.

They then killed themselves and died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star

Spangled Banner, to slow music.

_______________

FINALE.

The Rover fled.  He was captured near Marseilles and thrust into prison,

where he lay for sixteen weary years, all attempts to escape being

futile.  One night a lucky thought struck him.  He raised the window

and got out.  But he was unhappy.  Remorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his

vitals.  He tried Boerhave's Holland Bitters and the Retired Physician's

Sands of Life, and got well.  He then married the lovely Countess

D'Smith, and lived to a green old age, being the triumph of virtue and

downfall of vice.

____________________

RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE.

CHAPTER I.

"Life's but a walking shadow--a poor player."--Shakespeare. "Let me die

to sweet music."--J.W. Shuckers.

"Go forth, Clarence Stanley!  Hence to the bleak world, dog!  You have

repaid my generosity with the blackest ingratitude.  You have forged my

name on a five thousand dollar check--have repeatedly robbed my money

drawer--have perpetrated a long series of high-handed villanies, and now

to-night, because, forsooth, I'll not give you more money to spend

on your dissolute companions, you break a chair over my aged head.

Anyway!  You are a young man of small moral principle.  Don't ever speak

to me again!"

These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one of the

merchant princes of New York City.  He spoke to Clarence Stanley, his

adopted son and a beautiful youth of nineteen summers.  In vain did

Clarence plead his poverty, his tender age, his inexperience; in vain

did he fasten those lustrous blue eyes of his appealingly and tearfully

upon Mr. Blinker, and tell him he would make the pecuniary matter all

right in the fall, and that he merely shattered a chair over his head

by way of a joke.  The stony-hearted man was remorseless, and that night

Clarence Stanly became a wanderer in the wide, wide world.  As he

went forth he uttered these words: "H. Blinker, beware!  A RED HAND is

around, my fine feller!"

CHAPTER.  II.

"--a man of strange wild mien--one who has seen trouble."--Sir Walter

Scott. "You ask me, don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and

broken up.  I answer, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!"--H.W. Faxon. "They will join

our expedition."--Anon. "Go in on your muscle."--President Buchanan's

instructions to the Collector of Toledo. "Westward the hoe of Empire

Stars its way."--George N. True. "Where liberty dwells there is my

kedentry."--C.R. Dennett.

Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moist ocean of

eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter occurred.  We are

in Mexico.  Come with me to the Scarlet Banditti's cave.  It is night.

A tempest is raging tempestuously without, but within we find a scene of

dazzling magnificence.  The cave is spacious.  Chandeliers of solid gold

hang up suspended around the gorgeously furnished room, and the marble

floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds.  It must have cost between

two hundred dollars to fit this cave up.  It embraced all of the modern

improvements.  At the head of the cave life-size photographs (by Ryder)

of the bandits, and framed in gilt, were hung up suspended.  The bandits

were seated around a marble table, which was sculped regardless of

expense, and were drinking gin and molasses out of golden goblets.

When they got out of gin fresh supplies were brought in by slaves from

a two-horse wagon outside, which had been captured that day, after a

desperate and bloody struggle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena

Vista.

At the head of the table sat the Chief.  His features were swarthy

but elegant.  He was splendidly dressed in new clothes, and had that

voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about him which would at once rivet

the gaze of folks generally.  In answer to a highly enthusiastic call

he arose and delivered an able and eloquent speech.  We regret that our

space does not permit us to give this truly great speech in full--we

can merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks.

"Comrades! listen to your chief.  You all know my position on

Lecompton.  Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is

equally clear to you, and so with the Central American question.  I

believe I understand my little Biz.  I decline defining my position on

the Horse Railroad until after the Spring Election.  Whichever way I

says I don't say so myself unless I says so also.  Comrades! be virtuous

and you'll be happy."  The Chief sat down amidst great applause, and was

immediately presented with an elegant gold headed cane by his comrades,

as a slight testimonial of their respect.

CHAPTER III.

"This is the last of Earth."--Page. "The hope of America lies in its

well-conducted school-houses."--Bone. "I wish it to be distinctly

understood that I want the Union to be Reserved."--N.T. Nash. "Sine

qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infininim E Unibus

plurum."--Brown.

Two hours later.  Return we again to the Banditti's Cave.  Revelry still

holds high carnival among the able and efficient bandits.  A knock is

heard at the door.  From his throne at the head of the table the Chief

cries, "Come in!" and an old man, haggard, white-haired, and sadly bent,

enters the cave.

"Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, "for seventeen years I have not

tasted of food!"

"Well," says a kind-hearted bandit, "if that's so I expect you must be

rather faint.  We'll get you up a warm meal immediately, stranger."

"Hold!" whispered the Chief in tones of thunder, and rushing slowly to

the spot; "this is about played out.  Behold in me RED HAND, the Bandit

Chief, once Clarence Stanley, whom you cruelly turned into a cold world

seventeen years ago this very night!  Old man, perpare to go up!"

Saying which the Chief drew a sharp carving knife and cut off Mr.

Blinker's ears.  He then scalped Mr. B., and cut all of his toes

off.  The old man struggled to extricate himself from his unpleasant

situation, but was unsuccessful.

"My goodness," he piteously exclaimed, "I must say you are pretty

rough.  It seems to me--."

This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be published in

the "Plain Dealer."  The remainder of it may be found in the great moral

family paper, "The Windy Flash" published in New York by Stimpkins.

"The Windy Flash" circulates 4,000,000 copies weekly.

IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER

EVER PRINTED. IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. IT IS THE

ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.

IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST

PAPER IN THE WORLD.  IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. IT'S

THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD.

IT'S A MORAL PAPER.  IT'S A MORAL PAPER.  IT'S A MORAL PAPER.  IT'S A

MORAL PAPER.

SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.  SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.

SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.  SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES.

____________________

PYROTECHNY: A ROMANCE AFTER THE FRENCH.

I.--THE PEACEFUL HAMLET.

Nestling among the grand hills of New Hampshire, in the United States of

America, is a village called Waterbury.

Perhaps you were never there.

I do not censure you if you never were.

One can get on very well without going to Waterbury.

Indeed, there are millions of meritorious persons who were never there,

and yet they are happy.

In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named Pettingill.

Reuben Pettingill.

He was an agriculturist.

A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist.

He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet.

He said it was better than a noisy Othello.

Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first class manner.

II.--MYSELF.

I write this romance in the French style.

Yes: something that way.

The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs as possible.

Thus one may fill up a column in a very short time.

I am paid by the column, and the quicker I can fill up a column--but

this is a matter to which we will not refer.

We will let this matter pass.

III.--PETTINGILL.

Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious.

He worked hard all the year round on his father's little farm.

Right he was!

Industry is a very fine thing.

It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge.

Yet do not frown, "do not weep for me," when I state that I don't like

it.

It doesn't agree with me.

I prefer indolence.

I am happiest when I am idle.

I could live for months without performing any kind of labour, and at

the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to

go right on in the same way for numerous more months.

This should not surprise you.

Nothing that a modern novelist does should excite astonishment in any

well-regulated mind.

IV.--INDEPENDENCE DAY.

The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, and

processions, and banners, and all those things.

You know why we celebrate this day.

The American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps one of the finest

revolutions that was ever seen.  But I have not time to give you a full

history of the American Revolution.  It would consume years to do it,

and I might weary you.

One 4th of July Reuben Pettingill went to Boston.

He saw great sights.

He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the banners, and,

above all, he saw the fireworks.

I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks "licked"

him.

A new world was opened to this young man.

He returned to his parents and the little farm among the hills, with his

heart full of fireworks.

He said, "I will make some myself."

He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach.

He was an extraordinary skilful young man in the use of a common

clasp-knife.

With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood, horses, dogs,

cats, etc.  He carved excellent soldiers also.

I remember his masterpiece.

It was "Napoleon crossing the Alps."

Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of Alps.

An Alp or two more would have improved it; but, as a whole, it was a

wonderful piece of work; and what a wonderful piece of work is a wooden

man, when his legs and arms are all right.

V.--WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID.

He said, "I can make just as good fireworks as them in Boston."

"Them" was not grammatical, but why care for grammar as long as we are

good?

VI.--THE FATHER'S TEARS.

Pettingill neglected the farm.

He said that it might till itself--he should manufacture some gorgeous

fireworks, and exhibit them on the village green on the next 4th of

July.

He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their humble roof

ere many months should pass away.

"If he does," said old Mr. Pettingill, "we must shoot him and bile him,

and eat him, because we shall be rather short of meat, my son, if you go

on in this lazy way."

And the old man wept.

He shed over 120 gallons of tears.

That is to say, a puncheon.  But by all means let us avoid turning this

romance into a farce.

VII.--PYROTECHNY.

But the headstrong young man went to work, making fireworks.

He bought and carefully studied a work on pyrotechny.

The villagers knew that he was a remarkably skilful young man, and they

all said, "We shall have a great treat next 4th of July."

Meanwhile Pettingill worked away.

VIII.--THE DAY.

The great day came at last.

Thousands poured into the little village from far and near.

There was an oration, of course.

IX.--ORATORY IN AMERICA.

Yes; there was an oration.

We have a passion for oratory in America--political oratory chiefly.

Our political orators never lose a chance to "express their views."

They will do it.  You cannot stop them.

There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff, before placing

the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him if he had any remarks to

make?

"If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his way

rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows--"if our ill-starred

feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech and is in no hurry,

I should like to avail myself of the present occasion to make some

remarks on the necessity of a new protective tariff!"

X.--PETTINGILL'S FIREWORKS.

As I said in Chapter VIII., there was an oration.  There were also

processions, and guns, and banners.

"This evening," said the chairman of the committee of arrangements,

"this evening, fellow-citizens, there will be a grand display of

fireworks on the village green, superintended by the inventor and

manufacturer, our public-spirited townsman, Mr. Reuben Pettingill."

Night closed in, and an immense concourse of people gathered on the

village green.

On a raised platform, amidst his fireworks, stood Pettingill.

He felt that the great hour of his life had come, and, in a firm, clear

voice, he said:

"The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, which will go up

in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint."

He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up in the air,

it flew wildly down into the grass, running some distance with a hissing

kind of sound, and causing the masses to jump round in a very insane

manner.

Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened.  He tried again.

"The next fireworks," he said, "will go up in the air, bust, and become

a beautiful revolvin' wheel."

But alas! it didn't.  It only ploughed a little furrow in the green

grass, like its unhappy predecessor.

The masses laughed at this, and one man--a white-haired old

villager--said, kindly but firmly, "Reuben, I'm 'fraid you don't

understand pyrotechny."

Reuben was amazed.  Why did his rockets go down instead of up?  But,

perhaps, the others would be more successful, and, with a flushed face,

and in a voice scarcely as firm as before, he said:

"The next specimen of pyrotechny will go up in the air, bust, and become

an eagle.  Said eagle will soar away into the western skies, leavin' a

red trail behind him as he so soars."

But, alas! again.  No eagle soared, but, on the contrary, that ordinary

proud bird buried its head in the grass.

The people were dissatisfied.  They made sarcastic remarks.  Some of

them howled angrily.  The aged man who had before spoken said, "No,

Reuben, you evidently don't understand pyrotechny."

Pettingill boiled with rage and disappointment.

"You don't understand pyrotechny!" the masses shouted.

Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some unfeeling lads

threw dirt at our hero.

"You don't understand pyrotechny!" the masses yelled again.

"Don't I?" screamed Pettingill, wild with rage; "don't you think I do?"

Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a box of

powder, and touched the whole off.

This rocket went up.  It did, indeed.

There was a terrific explosion.

No one was killed, fortunately; though many were injured.

The platform was almost torn to pieces.

But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettingill, his

face flashing with wild triumph; and he shouted: "If I'm any judge of

pyrotechny, That rocket has went off."

Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been taken close

off in the explosion, he added: "And I ain't so dreadful certain but

four of my fingers has went off with it, because I don't see 'em here

now!"

____________________

A MORMON ROMANCE--REGINALD GLOVERSON.

CHAPTER I.--THE MORMON'S DEPARTURE.

The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave Great Salt Lake

City with a mule-train, dawned beautifully.

Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with an interesting

family of twenty young and handsome wives.  His unions had never been

blessed with children.  As often as once a year he used to go to Omaha,

in Nebraska, with a mule-train for goods; but although he had performed

the rather perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart

was strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy

forebodings.

The time for his departure had arrived.  The high-spirited mules were at

the door, impatiently champing their bits.  The Mormon stood sadly among

his weeping wives.

"Dearest ones," he said, "I am singularly sad at heart, this morning;

but do not let this depress you.  The journey is a perilous one,

but--pshaw! I have always come back safely heretofore, and why should

I fear?  Besides, I know that every night, as I lay down on the broad

starlit prairie, your bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and

make my slumbers sweet and gentle.  You, Emily, with your mild blue

eyes; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black hair; and you, Nelly,

with your hair so brightly, beautifully golden; and you, Mollie, with

your cheeks so downy; and you, Betsy, with your wine-red lips--far more

delicious, though, than any wine I ever tasted--and you, Maria, with

your winsome voice; and you, Susan, with your--with your--that is to

say, Susan, with your--and the other thirteen of you, each so good and

beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams, will you not, Dearestists?"

"Our own," they lovingly chimed, "we will!"

"And so farewell!" said Reginald.  "Come to my arms, my own!" he cried,

"that is, as many of you as can do it conveniently at once, for I must

away."

He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and drove sadly away.

_______________ But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind

mule became unhitched.  Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the trace; but

ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a singularly refractory

animal--snorted wildly, and kicked Reginald frightfully in the stomach.

He arose with difficulty, and tottered feebly towards his mother's

house, which was near by, falling dead in her yard, with the remark,

"Dear Mother, I've come home to die!"

"So I see," she said; "where's the mules?"

Alas!  Reginald Gloverson could give no answer.  In vain the

heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate form, crying,

"Oh, my son--my son!  Only tell me where the mules are, and then you may

die if you want to."

In vain--in vain!  Reginald had passed on.