FULVIA'S RESOLVE
"Be thou still!
Vainly all thy words are spoken;
Till the word of God hath broken
Life's dark mysteries—good or ill—
Be thou still!"—_Shadow of the Rock._
THIS caused a move. Nigel vanished, not to return for some time, and
when he did, Fulvia thought he looked anxious. But nothing was said,
and nobody asked what he thought of Mr. Browning.
Prayers over, the younger girls retired, and Mrs. Browning prepared to
follow. Something in the constrained tone of her "Good-night," drew
from Nigel an apologetic—"You didn't really mind so much, mother?"
The muscles of her white throat worked visibly, her voice failing when
she tried to speak.
Fulvia brought forward a glass of water.
"Take some of this," she said, adding in a whisper, "Don't give way,
madre; it will worry him."
The words had less effect than Fulvia intended. Mrs. Browning turned
from her, and broke into one grieved utterance—"Nigel, my own boy!
Don't leave off loving me!"
"My dear mother! As if that were possible!"
Young men are not perhaps as a rule peculiarly tolerant of needless
hysterics; but Nigel was patient, holding her in his strong arms, and
trying to soothe the real though unfounded sorrow.
Fulvia would not let the little scene continue. "It was too bad," she
murmured, "just after his coming home!" And then she blamed herself
for blaming the sweet madre; but none the less she separated the two,
insisted on water being taken, laughed, joked, and saw Mrs. Browning
off to her room.
"I'll be back directly," she said to Nigel; and in five minutes or
less she returned. As she expected, he was in the drawing-room still,
standing on the rug, with folded arms and eyes intent.
"Are you very tired?" she asked abruptly, beginning to fold some of
the work which lay about. "Tidying up" was a task which somehow always
devolved on Fulvia Rolfe. One marked Browning characteristic was
disorderliness in small matters; while Fulvia could never endure to see
anything left out of its rightful place.
"No, I believe not. It is late," he said, rousing himself again with a
manifest effort.
"You have not heard any bad news to-day?"
"Is there bad news to be heard?"
"Not that I'm aware of. You look as if you had something on your mind.
That made me ask. But the botherations this evening are enough to
account for it—nearly! If only people had a little common-sense, and
wouldn't manufacture troubles to order. However, you will not think
that nobody is glad to see you back."
Nigel laughed.
"Of course—you know what it is all worth. How did the padre's condition
strike you? Was he in bed?"
"No. I can't judge so soon. It seems to me that he ought to have
advice."
"If only for the sake of his own peace of mind, not to speak of the
madre's. He doesn't look ill, at all events. You thought he did! Odd!
I should have said he was the picture of health. Then perhaps you will
encourage his going abroad."
Nigel had not heard of the scheme, and she enlightened him.
"Of course there is no real difficulty—except the expense. Somehow,
padre is always and for ever talking now about expenses—why, I
can't imagine. And except also for family traditions connected with
twenty-first birthdays. We made such a fuss about yours before you
left, that the girls have had it in their heads ever since to make a
fuss about mine."
"Heiresses usually expect something of a stir on those occasions."
"Do they? I am not sure that I care. Yes; perhaps I do. I should like
to give a big dinner to the poor, and to have all our friends here as
well. We have talked it over many a time. But whether padre would stand
the excitement—! Well, December is nearly a month away still. Nigel,
do you know at all the amount that is to come to me? I have never been
told definitely. Padre hates business talk."
"About forty thousand, I believe."
"So much! I thought it was twenty or thirty thousand."
"It was to be as much as forty by this time, certainly,—by the time you
are of age."
"I believe I heard—part was to accumulate at compound interest. But
padre was to use some of the interest."
"Yes; through your minority. That was the arrangement made by your
father."
"Then my coming of age will be a loss to him. Is that why he dislikes
any mention of it?"
"I hope not!"
"Why? People don't like losing part of the income they are accustomed
to. But of course I shall let him have any amount still that he wants,
only keeping enough for my own clothes. What do I want with more?"
"When you set up a separate establishment—"
"Nonsense. As if—"
"At all events, don't pledge yourself. Promise nothing till you see
your way."
She was conscious of his new manliness, of the change from boy to man.
He was only a year older than herself; and twelve months earlier the
difference had seemed to be on the other side. Now he had outstripped
her; and with a sense of pleasure she knew that she might begin to look
up to him, to appeal to his judgment. But nobody could have guessed
those thoughts to be passing through Fulvia's mind, as she stood near
the fire, winding a ball of worsted, while the light fell on her
reddish, fluffy hair and plain though piquant face.
"You to advise that?"
"Why not?"
"I thought—well, you might yourselves be the losers. Why should I not
hand it all over to padre as it comes in? I don't know what on earth to
do with such a lot of money."
"You can't hand over the responsibility."
"No, perhaps not. I wish one could transfer responsibilities sometimes;
but I don't see after all why one should not—in a sense. I mean, that
might be the right use for the money; and then the question of spending
would come upon padre."
She swept up some remnants of patchwork, Daisy's leavings, from a
side-table, put straight a few books, closed the open piano, and came
back to the rug. Nigel's face had fallen again into a thoughtful set.
Fulvia, gave him a good look unobserved, for he was gazing into the
fire.
"I see you haven't lost your old trick of day-dreams. Has anything
teased you at the Rectory? Ethel—did you see Ethel?"
Fulvia could not have told what made her ask the question. She had
never thought of Ethel in connection with Nigel. Malcolm Elvey was
Nigel's particular friend, and it followed as a matter of course that
Nigel should see much of all the Elvey family. But Ethel—why, Ethel was
merely a bright, useful girl, on frank and easy terms with Nigel. The
very intimacy between the two had always been so simple and natural, so
little talked about by either, as almost to exclude from the minds of
lookers-on a thought of anything beyond. Fulvia was not, and never had
been, greatly in love with the Elveys as a family. She liked Mr. Elvey,
but not Mrs. Elvey; and she did not care for Ethel. Her first utterance
of the name on this occasion was involuntary. Something in Nigel's face
arrested her attention, however, and she at once asked, "Did you see
Ethel?"
"Yes."
"Was she glad to have you back?"
"I did not ask her."
"She might have shown it without being asked."
Fulvia's eyes could equally well look soft and kind, or hard and cold.
The latter expression came into them now.
"I had a pleasant welcome, of course."
"From Ethel?"
"Yes, from Ethel."
"But not all that you expected?"
"Yes—"
"Then what did Ethel say or do?"
Nigel had reached his utmost limit of endurance for one evening.
"Somebody else seems taking up with the inquisitorial line now," he
said, not so lightly as he wished.
"Are you going to bed?"
She gave him a searching glance, then held out her hand, keeping her
head well back.
"Good-night," came abruptly. "So Ethel does stand first, as Anice
said,—before mother and sisters!"
"If you wish to make mischief—" began Nigel.
"I'm not going to make mischief. Don't you know me better? Such things
have to be, of course; and I always find them out before anybody else.
You are getting to the correct age for the epidemic; but you may trust
me not to speak. I'm not anxious to break the madre's heart sooner
than need be. I don't mean that she would object to Ethel more than to
anybody else—particularly—so you need not look at me like that. It's
the fact of anybody that will be the rub; and of course you can't be
expected to live a life of celibacy on her account. Ethel is a nice
enough girl—at least, I suppose so. I never feel that I know her; but
that may be my own fault. However, it is time we should both be in bed,
so good-night."
She allowed no opportunity for another brotherly salutation, but
retreated with a mocking smile. "Go and dream of Ethel; only don't
look doleful," she said. Then she mounted deliberately the shallow oak
stairs, warbling a ditty by the way till her room was reached, and the
door was locked. Warbling ceased when she found herself alone.
Fulvia turned on the gas jet over the dressing-table and pulled out
a supply of hairpins, letting down her hair. It rippled over her
shoulders, reaching her waist, and sparkling where the light touched
it. Fulvia stood gazing at her own reflection with folded arms, bare
below the elbows.
"No; I am not beautiful—not even pretty," she murmured. "But is Ethel?"
Another pause, during which she gazed steadily.
"So that is to be it—after all these years! I would have done
anything—given anything—for him. Forty thousand!—That is nothing where
one loves. He did not know why I was glad to hear that it was so
much—for his sake, not mine. Little thinking then—and only a minute
later—But Ethel has nothing to give him. She can mend his glove—laugh
at him, perhaps, as I have heard her do. I could not laugh at Nigel—"
forgetting that she had just done so. "At anybody else—not Nigel. Will
Ethel understand him? Does anybody fully—except—? Oh, I think I could
have made him happy!"
Then the consciousness swept over her of what she was saying, of what
she was allowing to herself, and with it came a rush of angry blood,
suffusing her whole face. She turned sharply away, and walked to and
fro, her hands locked together.
"Shame! Nonsense! Rubbish! That I should be the first to think—I!—And
he, of course, has never given a thought to me! Why should he? Why
should I expect it? Nigel will never marry for money! Should I like
him if he could? . . . And if I have not seen, I might have seen. He
and Ethel! Why, it has been so for years! He would do for her years
ago what he would not do for me. I never could think why, but I know
now. If I had not been infatuated, I should have seen all along. Does
the madre see? Is that why she minded so much? . . . No, I don't love
Ethel. I don't care for her. I don't half like her. She rubs me up the
wrong way, somehow. Has it been this? . . . Poor madre! Every one will
pity her, and nobody will pity me! Hush—I will not have that come up!
Unwomanly!—Contemptible—to give one's love where it is not wanted."
Fulvia stamped her foot. "Nobody shall ever guess my folly! Anything
rather than betray myself! Nigel—how Nigel would despise me, if he
knew! And how I despise myself!"
She stood again before the glass, noting the flush which remained.
"No wonder; I may well be ashamed. It is too weak—too foolish! But
I will hide it! Stamp it down! Hold up my head!" And she flung back
her abundant hair with a proud gesture. "If love can die, mine shall
be killed. Nobody shall see! Nobody shall know! I see how!—I'll
laugh at Nigel—tease him—make myself as disagreeable as I can! . . .
No, no, that might be read. And why must I pain him? He will have
worries enough among them all. No, no, I'll follow a nobler line—more
womanly. That at least remains. If I cannot be happy, he may be. I'll
give him sympathy, and help it forward. I'll smooth things down for
him, as I know I can—more than any other human being. I shall not be
misunderstood then—shall not be understood, I mean! What nonsense I am
talking! . . . Yes, that will do! He shall think I am glad—delighted.
He shall owe some of his happiness to me. And she—I will try to love
Ethel—will try to make her see better what Nigel is. And if he is
happy—really happy—should I not be happy too, knowing it? But, oh—"
One moment Fulvia stood upright, smiling triumphantly at her own
reflection. The next, an irresistible stab came, and tears burst forth
in a deluge. She dropped to the ground, rather than threw herself down,
hid her face upon those same folded arms now laid against a chair, and
shook with smothered weeping, all the more intense because smothered.
Fulvia had never cried easily. From earliest childhood it had taken a
great deal to bring tears—unlike Anice, who had a supply always ready
to hand for the slightest call. But with Fulvia, when once the flow
began, it was as difficult to check as it had been difficult to start.
She could weep on to an almost indefinite extent; until, indeed, bodily
exhaustion should put an end to the paroxysm.
Fulvia was strong, however, and bodily exhaustion was long in coming.
Again and again she strove to master herself, almost with success;
again and again a return wave mastered her. From the moment that she
collapsed, something not far from two hours passed before she could
lift her head. When she again stood before the glass she had grown
sick with agitation. Her face was blistered; and the eyes had almost
vanished beneath their swollen lids.
"This must be the last time," she said aloud, resolutely. "I will not
give way again."
But what if she were overcome by some sudden strain? A new dread of her
own weakness assailed Fulvia, who had never felt herself weak before.
"It shall not be!" she muttered. "I will not give way! I will not! Any
woman can be strong who chooses. I will be strong! I will not betray
myself—whatever happens."
She began at length to make ready for going to bed, in a mechanical
fashion, plaiting loosely her long hair to keep it out of her eyes,
noting the lateness of the hour. Not far from two o'clock!
"What would the madre think of me? But they shall not know. I must look
like myself to-morrow. If only I can sleep!"
Late though it was, she read a few verses from her Bible; a perfunctory
matter commonly; and not less so now than usual. She could not have
told five minutes afterwards what she had read.
Then she knelt down, leaning against the back of a chair, with a
feeling of utter weariness. What did it matter whether she prayed or
not? What did anything matter? Fulvia had prayed seldom hitherto—really
prayed. There had been no especial connection between her morning and
evening "saying" of prayers, and the everyday life lived between.
Now, as usual, she only murmured a few unmeaning phrases, and when
she rose no help had come, for she had not sought it. In her trouble
she turned to self only, resting on her own strength of will. Fulvia
was a girl of steady principle and of noble impulses; but as yet she
had never given over the guidance of her barque to the hand of the
Master-Pilot. There was danger of its being swept to and fro out of the
right course, by wind and wave, against her will.
"Yes, that will do," she said, before putting out her light. "Nigel
shall be happy, at all events. I always have said that if one really
cares for another, one can wish nothing so much as his happiness. Well,
I have to prove it now. Nobody shall ever guess! That has to be crushed
down—crushed!" And she clenched her teeth. "I will be mistress of
myself. And if I have any power to smooth things for him and Ethel, I
will do it."
The resolution was praiseworthy; but would she have strength to carry
it out?