"Bring me a telegram-form," I commanded, "and some hotter hot water."
So, having wired to Suzanne: "Malaria false alarm only passing effects of
overwork coming by the one-thirty PERCIVAL," I found myself at tea-time
being nursed back to health on mulberries-and-cream administered by the
solicitous hands of Aunt-by-acquisition Lucy.
"Well," I said to Suzanne a little later as we strolled in the direction of
the fig-trees, "how did it go off--my first wire, I mean?"
"Oh, I think I did it very well," she replied; "I gave a most realistic
exhibition of wifely concern, and the car had just come to take me to the
station when your second wire arrived."
"Then they didn't spot anything?"
"No," said Suzanne--"no, I don't think so."
After dinner that night I was playing billiards with Toby, who is Suzanne's
aunt's nephew-by-marriage. We had the room to ourselves.
"Dull part of the world this," he remarked. "By the way, what about that
malaria of yours?"
"What about it?" I observed shortly.
"Comes and goes rather suddenly, doesn't it?"
"Very," I agreed. "It's one of the suddenest diseases ever invented."
"'Invented' is a good word," said Toby. "You're a bit of an inventor,
aren't you?"
"What do you mean? Are you venturing to imply--"
"I imply nothing. I merely state that this morning Suzanne came down to
breakfast in her travelling-clothes. And that wasn't all."
"Wasn't it?" I inquired weakly. "Tell me the worst."
"All through breakfast," continued Toby with relish, "she was restless and
off her feed, and appeared to be listening for something. Afterwards
nothing could induce her to leave the house, and I myself caught her
surreptitiously studying the time-table. Every time a step was heard coming
up the drive she started to her feet. At last a telegraph-boy arrived.
Before anybody could discover whom the wire was addressed to, Suzanne
snatched it from the boy, tore it open, placed her hand in the region of
her heart and exclaimed, 'Oh, how provoking! Poor Percival's--' then she
turned it the right way up, looked unutterably foolish and meekly handed it
over to Aunt Lucy. It was from the old lady's stockbroker and referred to
some transaction or other in Housing Bonds."
"And what did Aunt Lucy say?" I asked.
"Oh, she just looked the least little bit surprised," replied Toby, "but
she didn't utter. Suzanne had to embrace the muddiest of all the cocker
pups to hide her flaming cheeks."
"Well, what happened then?"
"Then? Oh, then the telegraph-boy fished out another wire from his wallet.
I took it, glanced at the envelope and handed it to Suzanne. This time she
read it very gingerly before exclaiming in a highly unemotional voice: 'Oh,
how provoking! Poor Percival's got one of his sudden attacks of malaria and
can't come. So, if you don't mind, Aunt Lucy, I'll catch the eleven-fifteen
back.' Aunt Lucy was very sympathetic and went up to help her with her
packing, which was accomplished in a surprisingly short time; as a matter
of fact she had practically done it all before breakfast. Just as she was
going to drive off to the station up came another telegraph-boy. That was
your second wire, and Suzanne didn't seem any too pleased to receive it.
I'm not at all convinced," concluded Toby, "that your wife would make her
fortune on the stage."
"Do you think Aunt Lucy suspects?" I asked.
"Bless you, no. The dear old thing has the heart of a child."
Maybe, but I have my doubts. Suzanne's aunt insisted on my staying a week
as a preventive against a nervous breakdown, and the tonic with which she
herself dosed me several times a day was the most repulsive beverage I had
ever tasted, effectually ruining the savour of figs and mulberries. Can it
be that Aunt Lucy is not only of a suspicious but also of a revengeful
nature?
Suzanne ridicules my doublings and declares that she could make her aunt
swallow anything. I wish she could have made her swallow my tonic.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE YACHTING CAP.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY, HE SAID, SO HE
DECIDED TO GO IN HIS YACHTING CAP.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BRITISH ASSOCIATION DELEGATES DISCUSSING ORIGIN OF STREET
ARAB'S EJACULATION, "YAH-YAH-YAH-SHR-R-RUP!"]
* * * * *
KAMENEFF to KRASSIN (on applying for passports): "_Cras ingens
iterabimus æquor._"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Host._ "HALF A MINUTE! I'LL LIGHT YOU TO THE GATE; IT'S
VERY DARK."
_Cheerful Guest._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN SEE IN THE DARK. WHY, WHEN I WAS
IN FLANDERS--"
_Host._ "YES, YES; BUT YOU'RE NOT IN FLANDERS NOW--YOU'RE IN MY CARNATION
BED."]
* * * * *