treated with respect; although the disputes of Klotz and Lessing's
controversies already indicated that this epoch would soon close.
Winckelmann enjoyed an universal, unassailed reverence; and it is known
how sensitive he was with regard to any thing public which did not seem
commensurate with his deeply felt dignity. All the periodical
publications joined in his praise, the better class of tourists came
back from him instructed and enraptured, and the new views which he gave
extended themselves over science and life. The Prince of Dessau had
raised himself up to a similar degree of respect. Young, well and nobly
minded, he had on his travels and at other times shown himself truly
desirable. Winckelmann was in the highest degree delighted with him,
and, whenever he mentioned him, loaded him with the handsomest epithets.
The laying out of a park, then unique, the taste for architecture, which
Von Erdmannsdorf supported by his activity, every thing spoke in favor
of a prince, who, while he was a shining example for the rest, gave
promise of a golden age for his servants and subjects. We young people
now learned with rejoicings that Winckelmann would return back from
Italy, visit his princely friend, call on Oeser by the way, and so come
within our sphere of vision. We made no pretensions to speaking with
him, but we hoped to see him; and, as at that time of life one willingly
changes every occasion into a party of pleasure, we had already agreed
upon a journey to Dessau, where in a beautiful spot, made glorious by
art, in a land well governed and at the same time externally adorned, we
thought to lie in wait, now here, now there, in order to see with our
own eyes these men so highly exalted above us walking about. Oeser
himself was quite elated if he only thought of it, and the news of
Winckelmann's death fell down into the midst of us like a thunderbolt
from a clear sky. I still remember the place where I first heard it: it
was in the court of the Pleissenburg, not far from the little gate
through which one used to go up to Oeser's residence. One of my fellow-
pupils met me, and told me that Oeser was not to be seen, with the
reason why. This monstrous event [Footnote: Winckelmann was
assassinated.--TRANS.] produced a monstrous effect: there was an
universal mourning and lamentation, and Winckelmann's untimely death
sharpened the attention paid to the value of his life. Perhaps, indeed,
the effect of his activity, if he had /continued/ it to a more
advanced age, would probably not have been so great as it now
necessarily became, when, like many other extraordinary men, he was
distinguished by fate through a strange and calamitous end.
Now, while I was infinitely lamenting the death of Winckelmann, I did
not think that I should soon find myself in the case of being
apprehensive about my own life; since, during all these events, my
bodily condition had not taken the most favorable turn. I had already
brought with me from home a certain touch of hypochondria, which, in
this new sedentary and lounging life, was rather increased than
diminished. The pain in my chest, which I had felt from time to time
ever since the accident at Auerstädt, and which after a fall from
horseback had perceptibly increased, made me dejected. By an unfortunate
diet I destroyed my powers of digestion; the heavy Merseburg beer
clouded my brain; coffee, which gave me a peculiarly melancholy tone,
especially when taken with milk after dinner, paralyzed my bowels, and
seemed completely to suspend their functions, so that I experienced
great uneasiness on this account, yet without being able to embrace a
resolution for a more rational mode of life. My natural disposition,
supported by the sufficient strength of youth, fluctuated between the
extremes of unrestrained gayety and melancholy discomfort. Moreover, the
epoch of cold-water bathing, which was unconditionally recommended, had
then begun. One was to sleep on a hard bed, only slightly covered, by
which all the usual perspiration was suppressed. These and other
follies, in consequence of some misunderstood suggestions of Rousseau,
would, it was promised, bring us nearer to nature, and deliver us from
the corruption of morals. Now, all the above, without discrimination,
applied with injudicious alternation, were felt by many most
injuriously; and I irritated my happy organization to such a degree,
that the particular systems contained within it necessarily broke out at
last into a conspiracy and revolution, in order to save the whole.
One night I awoke with a violent hemorrhage, and had just strength and
presence of mind enough to waken my next-room neighbor. Dr. Reichel was
called in, who assisted me in the most friendly manner; and thus for
many days I wavered betwixt life and death: and even the joy of a
subsequent improvement was embittered by the circumstance that, during
that eruption, a tumor had formed on the left side of the neck, which,
after the danger was past, they now first found time to notice. Recovery
is, however, always pleasing and delightful, even though it takes place
slowly and painfully: and, since nature had helped herself with me, I
appeared now to have become another man; for I had gained a greater
cheerfulness of mind than I had known for a long time, and I was
rejoiced to feel my inner self at liberty, although externally a
wearisome affliction threatened me.
But what particularly set me up at this time was, to see how many
eminent men had, undeservedly, given me their affection. Undeservedly, I
say; for there was not one among them to whom I had not been troublesome
through contradictory humors, not one whom I had not more than once
wounded by morbid absurdity,--nay, whom I had not stubbornly avoided for
a long time, from a feeling of my own injustice. All this was forgotten:
they treated me in the most affectionate manner, and sought, partly in
my chamber, partly as soon as I could leave it, to amuse and divert me.
They drove out with me, entertained me at their country houses, and I
seemed soon to recover.
Among these friends I name first of all Docter Hermann, then senator,
afterwards burgomaster at Leipzig. He was among those boarders with whom
I had become acquainted through Schlosser, the one with whom an always
equable and enduring connection was maintained. One might well reckon
him the most industrious of his academical fellow-citizens. He attended
his lectures with the greatest regularity, and his private industry
remained always the same. Step by step, without the slightest deviation,
I saw him attain his doctor's degree, and then raise himself to the
assessorship, without any thing of all this appearing arduous to him, or
his having in the least hurried or been too late with any thing. The
gentleness of his character attracted me, his instructive conversation
held me fast; indeed, I really believe that I took delight in his
methodical industry especially for this reason, because I thought, by
acknowledgments and high esteem, to appropriate to myself at least a
part of a merit of which I could by no means boast.
He was just as regular in the exercise of his talents and the enjoyment
of his pleasures as in his business. He played the harpsichord with
great skill, drew from nature with feeling, and stimulated me to do the
same; when, in his manner, on gray paper and with black and white chalk,
I used to copy many a willow-plot on the Pleisse, and many a lovely nook
of those still waters, and at the same time longingly to indulge in my
fancies. He knew how to meet my sometimes comical disposition with merry
jests; and I remember many pleasant hours which we spent together when
he invited me, with mock solemnity, to a /tete-a-tete/ supper,
where, with some dignity, by the light of waxen candles, we ate what
they call a council-hare, which had run into his kitchen as a perquisite
of his place, and, with many jokes in the manner of Behrisch, were
pleased to season the meat and heighten the spirit of the wine. That
this excellent man, who is still constantly laboring in his respectable
office, rendered me the most faithful assistance during a disease, of
which there was indeed a foreboding, but which had not been foreseen in
its full extent; that he bestowed every leisure hour upon me, and, by
remembrances of former happy times, contrived to brighten the gloomy
moment,---I still acknowledge with the sincerest thanks, and rejoice
that after so long a time I can give them publicly.
Besides this worthy friend, Groening of Bremen particularly interested
himself in me. I had made his acquaintance only a short time before, and
first discovered his good feeling towards me during my misfortune: I
felt the value of this favor the more warmly, as no one is apt to seek a
closer connection with invalids. He spared nothing to give me pleasure,
to draw me away from musing on my situation, to hold up to my view and
promise me recovery and a wholesome activity in the nearest future. How
often have I been delighted, in the progress of life, to hear how this
excellent man has in the weightiest affairs shown himself useful, and
indeed a blessing to his native city.
Here, too, it was that friend Horn uninterruptedly brought into action
his love and attention. The whole Breitkopf household, the Stock family,
and many others, treated me like a near relative; and thus, through the
good will of so many friendly persons, the feeling of my situation was
soothed in the tenderest manner.
I must here, however, make particular mention of a man with whom I first
became acquainted at this time, and whose instructive conversation so
far blinded me to the miserable state in which I was, that I actually
forgot it. This was Langer, afterwards librarian at Wolfenbüttel.
Eminently learned and instructed, he was delighted at my voracious
hunger after knowledge, which, with the irritability of sickness, now
broke out into a perfect fever. He tried to calm me by perspicuous
summaries; and I have been very much indebted to his acquaintance, short
as it was, since he understood how to guide me in various ways, and made
me attentive whither I had to direct myself at the present moment. I
felt all the more obliged to this important man, as my intercourse
exposed him to some danger; for when, after Behrisch, he got the
situation of tutor to the young Count Lindenau, the father made it an
express condition with the new Mentor that he should have no intercourse
with me. Curious to become acquainted with such a dangerous subject, he
frequently found means of meeting me indirectly. I soon gained his
affection; and he, more prudent than Behrisch, called for me by night:
we went walking together, conversed on interesting things, and at last I
accompanied him to the very door of his mistress; for even this
externally severe, earnest, scientific man had not kept free from the
toils of a very amiable lady.
German literature, and with it my own poetical undertakings, had already
for some time become strange to me; and, as is usually the result in
such an auto-didactic circular course, I turned back towards the beloved
ancients who still constantly, like distant blue mountains, distinct in
their outlines and masses, but indiscernible in their parts and internal
relations, bounded the horizon of my intellectual wishes. I made an
exchange with Langer, in which I at last played the part of Glaucus and
Diomedes: I gave up to him whole baskets of German poets and critics,
and received in return a number of Greek authors, the reading of whom
was to give me recreation, even during the most tedious convalescence.
The confidence which new friends repose in each other usually develops
itself by degrees. Common occupation and tastes are the first things in
which a mutual harmony shows itself; then the mutual communication
generally extends over past and present passions, especially over love-
affairs: but it is a lower depth which opens itself, if the connection
is to be perfected; the religious sentiments, the affairs of the heart
which relate to the imperishable, are the things which both establish
the foundation and adorn the summit of a friendship.
The Christian religion was fluctuating between its own historically
positive base and a pure deism, which, grounded on morality, was in its
turn to lay the foundation of ethics. The diversity of characters and
modes of thought here showed itself in infinite gradations, especially
when a leading difference was brought into play by the question arising
as to how great a share reason, and how great a share the feelings,
could and should have in such convictions. The most lively and ingenious
men showed themselves, in this instance, like butterflies, who, quite
regardless of their caterpillar state, throw away the chrysalis veil in
which they have grown up to their organic perfection. Others, more
honestly and modestly minded, might be compared to the flowers, which,
although they unfold themselves to the most beautiful bloom, yet do not
tear themselves from the root, from the mother stalk, nay,--rather
through this family connection first bring the desired fruit to
maturity. Of this latter class was Langer; for although a learned man,
and eminently versed in books, he would yet give the Bible a peculiar
pre-eminence over the other writings which have come down to us, and
regard it as a document from which alone we could prove our moral and
spiritual pedigree. He belonged to those who cannot conceive an
immediate connection with the great God of the universe: a mediation,
therefore, was necessary for him, an analogy to which he thought he
could find everywhere in earthly and heavenly things. His discourse,
which was pleasing and consistent, easily found a hearing with a young
man, who, separated from worldly things by an annoying illness, found it
highly desirable to turn the activity of his mind towards the heavenly.
Grounded as I was in the Bible, all that was wanted was merely the faith
to explain as divine that which I had hitherto esteemed in human
fashion,---a belief the easier for me, since I had made my first
acquaintance with that book as a divine one. To a sufferer, to one who
felt himself delicate, nay, weak, the gospel was therefore welcome; and
even though Langer, with all his faith, was at the same time a very
sensible man, and firmly maintained that one should not let the feelings
prevail, should not let one's self be led astray into mysticism, I could
not have managed to occupy myself with the New Testament without feeling
and enthusiasm.
In such conversations we spent much time; and he grew so fond of me as
an honest and well-prepared proselyte, that he did not scruple to
sacrifice to me many of the hours destined for his fair one, and even to
run the risk of being betrayed and looked upon unfavorably by his
patron, like Behrisch. I returned his affection in the most grateful
manner; and, if what he did for me would have been of value at any time,
I could not but regard it, in my present condition, as worthy of the
highest honor.
But as when the concert of our souls is most spiritually attuned, the
rude, shrieking tones of the world usually break in most violently and
boisterously, and the contrast which has gone on exercising a secret
control affects us so much the more sensibly when it comes forward all
at once: thus was I not to be dismissed from the peripatetic school of
my Langer without having first witnessed an event, strange at least for
Leipzig; namely, a tumult which the students excited, and that on the
following pretence. Some young people had quarrelled with the city
soldiers, and the affair had not gone off without violence. Many of the
students combined to revenge the injuries inflicted. The soldiers
resisted stubbornly, and the advantage was not on the side of the very
discontented academical citizens. It was now said that respectable
persons had commended and rewarded the conquerors for their valiant
resistance; and, by this, the youthful feeling of honor and revenge was
mightily excited. It was publicly said, that, on the next evening,
windows would be broken in: and some friends who brought me word that
this was actually taking place, were obliged to carry me there; for
youth and the multitude are always attracted by danger and tumult. There
really began a strange spectacle. The otherwise open street was lined on
one side with men who, quite quiet, without noise or movement, were
waiting to see what would happen. About a dozen young fellows were
walking singly up and down the empty sidewalk, with the greatest
apparent composure; but, as soon as they came opposite the marked house,
they threw stones at the windows as they passed by, and this repeatedly
as they returned backwards and forwards, as long as the panes would
rattle. Just as quietly as this was done, all at last dispersed; and the
affair had no further consequences.
With such a ringing echo of university exploits, I left Leipzig in the
September of 1768, in a comfortable hired coach, and in the company of
some respectable persons of my acquaintance. In the neighborhood of
Auerstädt I thought of that previous accident; but I could not forebode
that which many years afterwards would threaten me from thence with
still greater danger, just as little as in Gotha, where we had the
castle shown to us, I could think in the great hall adorned with stucco
figures, that so much favor and affection would befall me on that very
spot.
The nearer I approached my native city, the more I recalled to myself
doubtingly the circumstances, prospects, and hopes with which I had left
home; and it was with a very disheartening feeling that I now returned,
as it were, like one shipwrecked. Yet, since I had not very much with
which to reproach myself, I contrived to compose myself tolerably well:
however, the welcome was not without emotion. The great vivacity of my
nature, excited and heightened by sickness, caused an impassioned scene.
I might have looked worse than I myself knew, since for a long time I
had not consulted a looking-glass; and who does not become used to
himself? Suffice it to say, they silently resolved to communicate many
things to me only by degrees, and before all things to let me have some
repose, both bodily and mental.
My sister immediately associated herself with me, and as previously,
from her letters, so I could now more in detail and accurately
understand the circumstances and situation of the family. My father had,
after my departure, applied all his didactic taste to my sister; and in
a house completely shut up, rendered secure by peace, and even cleared
of lodgers, he had cut off from her almost every means of looking about
and finding some recreation abroad. She had by turns to pursue and work
at French, Italian, and English; besides which he compelled her to
practise a great part of the day on the harpsichord. Nor was her writing
to be neglected; and I had already remarked that he had directed her
correspondence with me, and had let his doctrines come to me through her
pen. My sister was and still continued to be an undefinable being, the
most singular mixture of strength and weakness, of stubbornness and
pliability, which qualities operated now united, now isolated by will
and inclination. Thus she had, in a manner which seemed to me fearful,
turned the hardness of her character against her father, whom she did
not forgive for having, in these three years, hindered, or embittered to
her, so many innocent joys; and of his good and excellent qualities she
would not acknowledge even one. She did all he commanded and arranged,
but in the most unamiable manner in the world. She did it in the
established routine, but nothing more and nothing less. Not from love or
a desire to please did she accommodate herself to any thing, so that
this was one of the first things about which my mother complained to me
in private. But, since love was as essential to my sister as to any
human being, she turned her affection wholly on me. Her care in nursing
and entertaining me absorbed all her time: her female companions, who
were swayed by her without her intending it, had likewise to contrive
all sorts of things to be pleasing and consolatory to me. She was
inventive in cheering me up, and even developed some germs of comical
humor which I had never known in her, and which became her very well.
There soon arose between us a coterie-language, by which we could
converse before all people without their understanding us; and she often
used this gibberish with great pertness in the presence of our parents.
My father was personally tolerably comfortable. He was in good health,
spent a great part of the day in the instruction of my sister, went on
with the description of his travels, and was longer in tuning his lute
than in playing on it. He concealed at the same time, as well as he
could, his vexation at finding, instead of a vigorous, active son, who
ought now to take his degree and run through the prescribed course of
life, an invalid who seemed to suffer still more in soul than in body.
He did not conceal his wish that they would be expeditious with my cure;
but one was forced to be specially on one's guard in his presence
against hypochondriacal expressions, because he could then become
passionate and bitter.
My mother, by nature very lively and cheerful, spent under these
circumstances very tedious days. Her little housekeeping was soon
provided for. The good woman's mind, inwardly never unoccupied, wished
to find an interest in something; and that which was nearest at hand was
religion, which she embraced the more fondly as her most eminent female
friends were cultivated and hearty worshippers of God. At the head of
these stood Fräulein von Klettenberg. She is the same person from whose
conversations and letters arose the "Confessions of a Beautiful Soul,"
which are found inserted in "Wilhelm Meister." She was slenderly formed,
of the middle size: a hearty natural demeanor had been made still more
pleasing by the manners of the world and the court. Her very neat attire
reminded of the dress of the Hernhutt women. Her serenity and peace of
mind never left her; she looked upon her sickness as a necessary element
of her transient earthly existence; she suffered with the greatest
patience, and, in painless intervals, was lively and talkative. Her
favorite, nay, indeed, perhaps her only, conversation, was on the moral
experiences which a man who observes himself can form in himself; to
which was added the religious views which, in a very graceful manner,
nay, with genius, came under her consideration as natural and
supernatural. It scarcely needs more to recall back to the friends of
such representations, that complete delineation composed from the very
depths of her soul. Owing to the very peculiar course she had taken from
her youth upwards, the distinguished rank in which she had been born and
educated, and the liveliness and originality of her mind, she did not
agree very well with the other ladies who had set out on the same road
to salvation. Frau Griesbach, the chief of them, seemed too severe, too
dry, too learned: she knew, thought, comprehended, more than the others,
who contented themselves with the development of their feelings; and she
was therefore burdensome to them, because every one neither could nor
would carry with her so great an apparatus on the road to bliss. But for
this reason most of them were indeed somewhat monotonous, since they
confined themselves to a certain terminology which might well have been
compared to that of the later sentimentalists. Fräulein von Klettenberg
guided her way between both extremes, and seemed, with some self-
complacency, to see her own reflections in the image of Count
Zindendorf, whose opinions and actions bore witness to a higher birth
and more distinguished rank. Now she found in me what she needed, a
lively young creature, striving after an unknown happiness, who,
although he could not think himself an extraordinary sinner, yet found
himself in no comfortable condition, and was perfectly healthy neither
in body nor soul. She was delighted with what nature had given me, as
well as with much which I had gained for myself. And, if she conceded to
me many advantages, this was by no means humiliating to her: for, in the
first place, she never thought of emulating one of the male sex; and,
secondly, she believed, that, in regard to religious culture, she was
very much in advance of me. My disquiet, my impatience, my striving, my
seeking, investigating, musing, and wavering, she interpreted in her own
way, and did not conceal from me her conviction, but assured me in plain
terms that all this proceeded from my having no reconciled God. Now, I
had believed from my youth upwards that I stood on very good terms with
my God,--nay, I even fancied to myself, according to various
experiences, that he might even be in arrears to me; and I was daring
enough to think that I had something to forgive him. This presumption
was grounded on my infinite good will, to which, as it seemed to me, he
should have given better assistance. It may be imagined how often I got
into disputes on this subject with my friend, which, however, always
terminated in the friendliest way, and often, like my conversations with
the old rector, with the remark, "that I was a foolish fellow, for whom
many allowances must be made."