(_A Domestic Drama of the Day before Yesterday._)
SCENE.--_The Breakfast Room at Linoleum Lodge, the suburban residence
of_ SAMUEL STODGEFORD, Esq. Mr. _and_ Mrs. STODGEFORD, _their son_
PARMENAS, _and daughters_ POMPILIA _and_ PRISCILLA, _discovered at
breakfast._
_Mr. Stodgeford._ We shall probably get it by the second post, and
though the delay is--ah--to some extent, annoying, we must not allow
ourselves to be unduly impatient. Personally, I regard these--ah--weekly
competitions as chiefly valuable in providing an innocent form of
domestic recreation, and an interesting example of the--ah--value of
words.
_Parmenas S._ The value of _one_ word, I should say, Father. Last week,
as there were very few who guessed right, it amounted to a considerable
sum.
_Mr. S._ That is a stimulant to ingenuity, no doubt, with some minds,
but let us put that aside. We feel some natural curiosity to know
whether we have selected the missing adjective, and I see no reason
myself to doubt that our united efforts will this time be crowned with
success.
_Pompilia._ It is almost impossible that it won't be _one_ of the two
hundred and fifty we sent in.
_Parmenas._ I drew up a list of synonyms which, I flatter myself, was
practically exhaustive.
_Priscilla._ I dreamt I heard a voice saying quite clearly in my ear,
"Nonsensical! nonsensical!"--like that--so I sent it in the first thing
next morning.
_Mr. S._ These--ah--supernatural monitions are not vouchsafed to us
without a purpose. It _may_ be "nonsensical."
_Mrs. S._ The only two words _I_ could think of were, "absurd" and
"idiotic," and I'm afraid they haven't much chance.
_Mr. S._ I wouldn't say that, SOPHRONIA. It is not always the most
appropriate epithet that--let me run over the paragraph again--where is
last week's paper? Ah, I have it. (_He procures it and reads with
unction._) "The lark, as has been frequently observed by the poets, is
in the habit of ascending to high altitudes in the exercise of his vocal
functions. Scientific meteorologists, it is true, do not consider that
there is any immediate danger of a descent of the sky, but many
bird-catchers of experience are of opinion that, should such a
contingency happen, the number of these feathered songsters included in
the catastrophe would, in all probability, be simply----" It might be
"idiotic," of course, but I fancy "incalculable," or "appalling" would
be nearer the mark.
_Parmenas._ Too obvious, _I_ should say. If you had adopted a few more
of the words I got from _Roget's Thesaurus_, we should have been safer.
Sending in a word like "disgusting" was sheer waste of one-and-twopence!
And as for POMPILIA, with her synonyms to "sensational," and PRISCILLA,
with her rubbishy superstition, depend upon it, _they_'re no good!
_Pompilia._ You think you know so much, because you've been to London
University--but _we've_ been to a High School; so we're not absolute
_idiots_. PARMENAS!
_Priscilla._ And I'm sure people have dreamt which horse was going to
win a race over and over again!
_Mr. S._ Come, come, let us have none of these unseemly disputes! And,
when you compare a literary competition with--ah--a mere gambling
transaction, PRISCILLA, you do a grave injustice to us all. You forget
that we have, all of us, worked hard for success; we have given our
whole thoughts and time to the subject. I have stayed at home from the
office day after day. Your mother has had no leisure for the cares of
the household; your brother has suspended his studies for his
approaching examination, and your elder sister her labours at the East
End--on purpose to devote our combined intelligence to the subject. And
are we to be told that we are no better than the brainless multitude who
speculate on horse-racing! I am not _angry_, my child, I am
only--(_Enter_ ROBERT, _the_ Page, _with a paper in a postal wrapper.)
Tiddler's Miscellany_--ha, at last! Why didn't you bring it up before,
Sir? You must have known it was important!
_Robert._ Please, Sir, it's on'y just come, Sir.
_Mr. S. (snatching the paper from him, and tearing it open; the other
members of the family crowd round excitedly)._ Now we shall see! Where's
the place? Confound the thing! Why can't they print the result in
a----(_His face falls._) What are you waiting for, Sir? Leave the room!
[_To_ ROBERT, _who has lingered about the sideboard._
_Robert._ Beg pardon, Sir, but would you mind reading out the
Word--'cause I'm----
_The Family._ Read the Word, Papa, do!
_Mr. S. (keeping the Journal)._ All in good time. (_Addressing_ ROBERT.)
Am I to understand, Sir, that you have actually had the presumption to
engage in this competition?--an uneducated young rascal like you!
_Robert._ I didn't mean no harm, Sir, I sent in nothink--it was on'y a
lark, Sir!
_The Family (dancing with suspense)._ Oh, never mind ROBERT now,
Father--do read out the Word!
_Mr. S. (ignoring their anxiety)._ If you sent in nothing, Sir, so much
the better. But, in case you should be tempted to such a piece of
infatuation in future, let me tell you this by way of--ah--warning. I
and my family, have, with every advantage that superior education and
abilities can bestow, sent in, after prolonged and careful deliberation,
no less than two hundred and fifty separate solutions, and not a single
one of these solutions, Sir, proves to be the correct one!
_The Family (collapsing on the nearest chairs)._ Oh, it can't be
true--one of them _must_ be right!
_Mr. S._ Unfortunately, they are not. I will read you the sentence as
completed. _(Reads.)_ "Should such a contingency happen, the number of
these feathered songsters included in the catastrophe would, in all
probability, be simply--ah--_nought_!" Now I venture to assert that
nothing short of--ah--absolute genius could possibly----(_To_ ROBERT.)
What do you mean by interrupting me, Sir?
_Robert._ Please, Sir, _I_ said nothink, Sir!
_Pompilia._ Oh, what _does_ it matter? Give me the paper, Papa. _(She
snatches it.)_ Oh, listen to this:--"The number of solutions sent in was
five hundred thousand, which means that twenty-five thousand pounds
remain for division. The only competitor who gave the correct solution
was Mr. ROBERT CONKLING, of Linoleum Lodge, Camberwell...." _Oh!_ Why,
that's _you_, ROBERT!
_Robert._ Yes, Miss, I told you I said "Nothink," Miss. I'm sure if I'd
thought----
_Mr. S. (gasping)._ Twenty-five thousand pounds! Ah, ROBERT, I trust you
will not forget that this piece of--ah--unmerited good fortune was
acquired by you under this humble roof. Shake hands, my boy!
_Pompilia._ Wait, Papa--don't shake hands till I've
done--_(continuing)--_"Mr. CONKLING, however, having elected to
disregard our conditions, requiring the solution to be written out in
full, and to express the word "Nought" by a cipher, we cannot consider
him legally entitled to the prize----"
_Mr. S._ How dare you use my private address for your illiterate
attempts, Sir?
_Prisc. (seizing the paper)._ Why don't you read it all?----"We are
prepared, nevertheless, to waive this informality, and a cheque for the
full amount of twenty-five thousand pounds, payable to his order, will
be forwarded to Mr. CONKLING accordingly----"
_Mr. S._ Well, ROBERT, you deserve it, I must say--shake
hands!--I--ah--_mean_ it.
_Robert._ Thankee, Sir, I'm sure--it was Cook and JANE 'elped me, Sir,
but--(_dolefully_)--I sold my chanst to the butcher-boy, for tuppence
and a mouth-orgin, Sir.
[Illustration: "I sold my Chanst to the Butcher-boy!"]
_Mr. S._ You unspeakable young idiot! But there, you will know better
another time; and now go out at once, and order five hundred copies of
_Tiddler_--a periodical which offers such intellectual
and--ah--substantial advantages, deserves some encouragement. (_Exit_
ROBERT.) Now Mother, PARMENAS, girls--all of you, let us set to work,
and see--just for the--ah--fun of the thing--if we can't be more
fortunate with the _next_ competition. We'll have Cook and JANE,
and--ah--ROBERT in to help; the housework can look after itself for once
... what is it _now_, PRISCILLA?
_Prisc. (faintly)._ I've just seen this. (_Reads._) "In consequence of
the recent decision at Bow Street, those who send solutions for this,
and any future competitions, will not be required to forward any
remittance with their coupons----"
_Mr. S._ (_approvingly_). An admirable arrangement--puts a stop at once
to any pernicious tendency to--ah--speculation!
_Prisc._ (_continuing_)--"and successful competitors must, we fear, be
content with no other reward than that of honourable mention."
_Mr. S._ Here, send after ROBERT, somebody! It's scandalous that the
precious time of a whole family should be frittered away in these
unedifying and--ah--idiotic competitions. I will not allow another
_Tiddler_ to enter my house!
_Robert_ (_entering with his arms full of "Tiddlers"_). Please, Sir, I
brought a 'undred, Sir, and they'll send up the rest as soon as ever
they----Oh Lor, Sir, I on'y done as I was told, Sir!
[_He is pounced upon, severely cuffed by a righteously indignant family,
and sent flying in a whirlwind of tattered "Tiddlers," as the Scene
closes._
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