for bein' polite to each other durin' work hours, and medals for
speakin' gentle to the cows. Bentley said he had four of them medals,
but he hadn't worn 'em East for fear folks would think he was proud.
That gave me a line on where he got his quiet ways from. It was the
trainin' he got on the ranch. He said it was grand, too, when a crowd
of the boys came ridin' home from town, sometimes as late as eleven
o'clock at night, to hear 'em singin' "Onward, Christian Soldier" and
tunes like that.
"I expect you do have a few real tough citizens out that way, though,"
says I.
"Yes," said he, speakin' sad and regretful, "once in awhile. There was
one came up from Las Vegas last Spring, a low fellow that they called
Santa Fe Bill. He tried to start a penny ante game, but we discouraged
him."
"Run him off the reservation, eh?" says I.
"No," says Bentley, "we made him give up his ticket to our annual
Sunday school picnic. He was never the same after that."
Well, say, I had it on the card to blow Bentley to a Welsh rabbit after
the show, at some place where he could get a squint at a bunch of our
night bloomin' summer girls, but I changed the program. I took him
away durin' intermission, in time to dodge the new dancer that Broadway
was tryin' hard to be shocked by, and after we'd had a plate of ice
cream in one of them celluloid papered all-nights, I led Bentley back
to the hotel and tipped a bell hop a quarter to tuck him in bed.
Somehow, I didn't feel just right about the way I'd been stringin'
Bentley. I hadn't started out to do it, either; but he took things in
so easy, and was so willin' to stand for anything, that I couldn't keep
from it. And it did seem a shame that he must go back without any tall
yarns to spring. Honest, I was so twisted up in my mind, thinkin'
about Bentley, that I couldn't go to sleep, so I sat out on the front
steps of the boardin' house for a couple of hours, chewin' it all over.
I was just thinkin' of telephonin' to the hotel chaplain to call on
Bentley in the mornin', when me friend Barney, the rounds, comes along.
"Say, Shorty," says he, "didn't I see you driftin' around town earlier
in the evenin' with a young sport in mornin' glory clothes?"
"He was no sport," says I. "That was Bentley. He's a Y. M. C. A. lad
in disguise."
"It's a grand disguise," says Barney. "Your quiet friend is sure
livin' up to them clothes."
"You're kiddin'," says I. "It would take a live one to do credit to
that harness. When I left Bentley at half-past ten he was in the
elevator on his way up to bed."
"I don't want to meet any that's more alive than your Bentley," says
he. "There must have been a hole in the roof. Anyway, he shows up on
my beat about eleven, picks out a swell cafe, butts into a party of
soubrettes, flashes a thousand dollar bill, and begins to buy wine for
everyone in sight. Inside of half an hour he has one of his new made
lady friends doin' a high kickin' act on the table, and when the
manager interferes Bentley licks two waiters to a standstill and does
up the house detective with a chair. Why, I has to get two of my men
to help me gather him in. You can find him restin' around to the
station house now."
"Barney," says I, "you must be gettin' colour blind. That can't be
Bentley."
"You go around and take a look at him," says he.
Well, just to satisfy Barney, I did. And say, it was Bentley, all
right! He was some mussed, but calm and contented.
"Bentley," says I, reprovin' like, "you're a bird, you are! How did it
happen? Did some one drug you?"
"Guess that ice cream must have gone to my head," says he, grinnin'.
"Come off!" says I. "I've had a report on you, and from what you've
got aboard you ought to be as full as a goat."
He wa'n't, though. He was as sober as me, and that after absorbin' a
quart or so of French foam.
"If I can fix it so's to get you out on bail," says I, "will you quit
this red paint business and be good?"
"G'wan!" says he. "I'd rather stay here than go around with you any
more. You put me asleep, you do, and I can get all the sleep I want
without a guide. Chase yourself!"
I was some sore on Bentley by that time; but I went to court the next
mornin', when he paid his fine and was turned adrift. I starts in with
some good advice, but Bentley shuts me off quick.
"Cut it out!" says he. "New York may seem like a hot place to Rubes
like you; but you can take it from me that, for a pure joy producer,
Palopinto has got it burned to a blister. Why, there's more doing on
some of our back streets than you can show up on the whole length of
Broadway. No more for me! I'm goin' back where I can spend my money
and have my fun without bein' stopped and asked to settle before I've
hardly got started."
He was dead in earnest, too. He'd got on a train headed West before I
comes out of my dream. Then I begins to see a light. It was a good
deal of a shock to me when it did come, but I has to own up that
Bentley was a ringer. All that talk about mornin' prayers and Sunday
school picnics was just dope, and while I was so busy dealin' out josh,
to him, he was handin' me the lemon.
My mouth was still puckered and my teeth on edge, when Mr. Gordon gets
me on the 'phone and wants to know how about Bentley.
"He's come and gone," says I.
"So soon?" says he. "I hope New York wasn't too much for him."
"Not at all," says I; "he was too much for New York. But while you was
givin' him instructions, why didn't you tell him to make a noise like a
hornet? It might have saved me from bein' stung."
Texas, eh? Well, say, next time I sees a map of that State I'm goin'
to hunt up Palopinto and draw a ring around it with purple ink.
IV
THE TORTONIS' STAR ACT
What I was after was a souse in the Sound; but say, I never know just
what's goin' to happen to me when I gets to roamin' around Westchester
County!
I'd started out from Primrose Park to hoof it over to a little beach a
ways down shore, when along comes Dominick with his blue dump cart.
Now, Dominick's a friend of mine, and for a foreigner he's the most
entertainin' cuss I ever met. I like talkin' with him. He can make
the English language sound more like a lullaby than most of your high
priced opera singers; and as for bein' cheerful, why, he's got a pair
of eyes like sunny days.
Course, he wears rings in his ears, and likely a seven inch knife down
the back of his neck. He ain't perfumed with violets either, when you
get right close to; but the ash collectin' business don't call for
_peau d'Espagne_, does it?
"Hallo!" says Dominick. "You lika ride?"
Well, I can't say I'm stuck on bein' bounced around in an ash chariot;
but I knew Dominick meant well, so in I gets. We'd been joltin' along
for about four blocks, swappin' pigeon toed conversation, when there
shows up on the road behind us the fanciest rig I've seen outside of a
circus. In front, hitched up tandem, was a couple of black and white
patchwork ponies that looked like they'd broke out of a sportin' print.
Say, with their shiny hoofs and yeller harness, it almost made your
eyes ache to look at 'em. But the buggy was part of the picture, too.
It was the dizziest ever--just a couple of upholstered settees,
balanced back to back on a pair of rubber tired wheels, with the whole
shootin' match, cushions and all, a blazin' turkey red.
On the nigh side was a coachman, with his bandy legs cased in white
pants and yeller topped boots; and on the other--well, say! you talk
about your polka dot symphonies! Them spots was as big as quarters,
and those in the parasol matched the ones in her dress.
I'd been gawpin' at the outfit a couple of minutes before I could see
anything but the dots, and then all of a sudden I tumbles that it's
Sadie. She finds me about the same time, and jabs her sun shade into
the small of the driver's back, to make him pull up. I tells Dominick
to haul in, too, but his old skate is on his hind legs, with his ears
pointed front, wakin' up for the first time in five years, so I has to
drop out over the tail board.
"Well, what do you think of the rig?" says Sadie.
"I guess me and Dominick's old crow bait has about the same thoughts
along that line," says I. "Can you blame us?"
"It is rather giddy, isn't it?" says she.
"'Most gave me the blind staggers," says I. "You ought to distribute
smoked glasses along the route of procession. Did you buy it some dark
night, or was it made to order after somethin' you saw in a dream?"
"The idea!" says Sadie. "This jaunting car is one I had sent over from
Paris, to help my ponies get a blue ribbon at the Hill'n'dale horse
show. And that's what it did, too."
"Blue ribbon!" says I. "The judges must have been colour blind."
"Oh, I don't know," says Sadie, stickin' her tongue out at me. "After
that I've a good notion to make you walk."
"I don't know as I'd have nerve enough to ride in that, anyway," says
I. "Is it a funeral you're goin' to?"
"Next thing to it," says she. "But come on, Shorty; get aboard and
I'll tell you all about it."
So I steps up alongside the spotted silk, and the driver lets the
ponies loose. Say, it was like ridin' sideways in a roller coaster.
Sadie said she was awful glad to see me just then. She had a job on
hand that she hated to do, and she needed some one to stand in her
corner and cheer her up while she tackled it. Seems she'd got rash a
few days before and made a promise to lug the Duke and Duchess of
Kildee over to call on the Wigghorns. Sadie'd been actin' as sort of
advance agent for Their Dukelets durin' their splurge over here, and
Mrs. Wigghorn had mesmerised her into makin' a date for a call. This
was the day.
It would have gone through all right if some one hadn't put the Duke
wise to what he was up against. Maybe you know about the Wigghorns?
Course, they've got the goods, for about a dozen years ago old Wigghorn
choked a car patent out of some poor inventor, and his bank account's
been pyramidin' so fast ever since that now he's in the eight figure
class; but when it comes to bein' in the monkey dinner crowd, they
ain't even counted as near-silks.
"Why," says Sadie, "I've heard that they have their champagne standing
in rows on the sideboard, and that they serve charlotte russe for
breakfast!"
"That's an awful thing to repeat," says I.
"Oh, well," says she, "Mrs. Wigghorn's a good natured soul, and I do
think the Duke might have stood her for an afternoon. He wouldn't
though, and now I've got to go there and call it off, just as she's got
herself into her diamond stomacher, probably, to receive them."
"You couldn't ring in a couple of subs?" says I. For a minute Sadie's
blue eyes lights up like I'd passed her a plate of peach ice cream.
"If I only could!" says she. Then she shakes her head. "No," she
says, "I should hate to lie. And, anyway, there's no one within reach
who could play their parts."
"That bein' the case," says I, "it looks like you'd have to go ahead
and break the sad news. What do you want me to do--hold a bucket for
the tears?"
Sadie said all she expected of me was to help her forget it afterwards;
so we rolls along towards Wigghorn Arms. We'd got within a mile of
there when we meets a Greek peddler with a bunch of toy balloons on his
shoulder, and in less'n no time at all them crazy-quilt ponies was
tryin' to do back somersaults and other fool stunts. In the mix up one
of 'em rips a shoe almost off, and Mr. Coachman says he'll have to
chase back to a blacksmith shop and have it glued on.
"Oh, bother!" says Sadie. "Well, hurry up about it. We'll walk along
as far as Apawattuck Inn and wait there."
It wa'n't much of a walk. The Apawattuck's a place where they deal out
imitation shore dinners to trolley excursionists, and fusel oil high
balls to the bubble trade. The name sounds well enough, but that ain't
satisfyin' when you're real hungry. We were only killin' time, though,
so it didn't matter. We strolled up just as fearless as though their
clam chowders was fit to eat.
And that's what fetched us up against the Tortonis. They was well
placed, at a corner veranda table where no one could miss seein' 'em;
and, as they'd just finished a plate of chicken salad and a pint of
genuine San Jose claret, they was lookin' real comfortable and elegant.
Say, to see the droop eyed way they sized us up as we makes our entry,
you'd think they was so tired doin' that sort of thing that life was
hardly worth while. You'd never guess they'd been livin' in a hall bed
room on crackers and bologna ever since the season closed, and that
this was their first real feed of the summer, on the strength of just
havin' been booked for fifty performances. He was wearin' one of them
torrid suits you see in Max Blumstein's show window, with a rainbow
band on his straw pancake, and one of these flannel collar shirts that
you button under the chin with a brass safety pin. She was sportin' a
Peter Pan peekaboo that would have made Comstock gasp. And neither of
'em had seen a pay day for the last two months.
But it was done good, though. They had the tray jugglers standin'
around respectful, and the other guests wonderin' how two such real
House of Mirthers should happen to stray in where the best dishes on
the card wa'n't more'n sixty cents a double portion.
Course, I ain't never been real chummy with Tortoni--his boardin' house
name's Skinny Welch, you know--but I've seen him knockin' around the
Rialto off'n on for years; so, as I goes by to the next table, I lifts
my lid and says, "Hello, Skin. How goes it?" Say, wa'n't that
friendly enough? But what kind of a come back do I get? He just humps
his eyebrows, as much as to say, "How bold some of these common folks
is gettin' to be!" and then turns the other way. Sadie and I look at
each other and swap grins.
"What happened?" says she.
"I had a fifteen cent lump of Hygeia passed to me," says I. "And with
the ice trust still on top, I calls it extravagant."
"Who are the personages?" says she.
"Well, the last reports I had of 'em," says I, "they were the Tortonis,
waitin' to do a parlour sketch on the bargain day matinee circuit; but
from the looks now I guesses they're travellin' incog--for the
afternoon, anyway."
"How lovely!" says Sadie.
Our seltzer lemonades come along just then, so there was business with
the straws. I'd just fished out the last piece of pineapple when Jeems
shows up on the drive with the spotted ponies and that side saddle
cart. I gave Sadie the nudge to look at the Tortonis. They had their
eyes glued to that outfit, like a couple of Hester-st. kids lookin' at
a hoky poky waggon.
And it wa'n't no common "Oh, I wish I could swipe that" look, either.
It was a heap deeper'n that. The whole get up, from the red wheels to
the silver rosettes, must have hit 'em hard, for they held their breath
most a minute, and never moved. The girl was the first to break away.
She turns her face out towards the Sound and sighs. Say, it must be
tough to have ambitions like that, and never get nearer to 'em than now
and then a ten block hansom ride.
About then Jeems catches Sadie's eye, and salutes with the whip.
"Did you get it fixed?" says she.
He says it's all done like new.
Signor Tortoni hadn't been losin' a look nor a word, and the minute he
ties us up to them speckled ponies he maps out a change of act. Before
I could call the waiter and get my change, Tortoni was right on the
ground.
"I beg pardon," says he, "but isn't this my old friend, Professor
McCabe?"
"You've sure got a comin' memory, Skinny," says I.
"Why!" says he, gettin' a grip on my paw, "how stupid of me! Really,
professor, you've grown so distinguished looking that I didn't place
you at all. Why, this is a great pleasure, a very great pleasure,
indeed!"
"Ye-e-es?" says I.
But say, I couldn't rub it in. He was so dead anxious to connect
himself with that red cart before the crowd that I just let him spiel
away. Inside of two minutes the honours had been done all around, and
Sadie was bein' as nice to the girl as she knew how. And Sadie knows,
though! She'd heard that sigh, Sadie had; and it didn't jar me a bit
when she gives them the invite to take a little drive down the road
with us.
Well, it was worth the money, just to watch Skinny judgin' up the house
out of the corner of his eye. I'll bet there wa'n't one in the
audience that he didn't know just how much of it they was takin' in;
and by the easy way he leaned across the seat back and chinned to
Sadie, as we got started, you'd thought he'd been brought up in one of
them carts. The madam wa'n't any in the rear, either. She was just as
much to home as if she'd been usin' up a green transfer across 34th.
If the style was new to her, or the motion gave her a tingly feelin'
down her back, she never mentioned it.
They did lose their breath a few, though, when we struck Wigghorn Arms.
It's a whackin' big place, all fenced in with fancy iron work and
curlicue gates fourteen feet high.
"I've just got to run in a minute and say a word to Mrs. Wigghorn,"
says Sadie. "I hope you don't mind waiting?"
Oh no, they didn't. They said so in chorus, and as we looped the loop
through the shrubbery and began to get glimpses of window awnings and
tiled roof, I could tell by the way they acted that they'd just as soon
wait inside as not.
Mrs. Wigghorn wasn't takin' any chances on havin' Their Dukelets drive
up, leave their cards, and skidoo. She was right out front holdin'
down a big porch rocker, with her eyes peeled up the drive. And she
was costumed for the part. I don't know just what it was she had on,
but I've seen plush parlour suits covered with stuff like that. She's
a sizable old girl anyway, but in that rig, and with her store hair
puffed out, she loomed up like a bale of hay in a door.
"Why, how do you do!" she squeals, makin' a swoop at Sadie as soon as
the wheels stopped turnin'. "And you did bring them along, didn't you?
Now don't say a word until I get Peter--he's just gone in to brush the
cigar ashes off his vest. We want to be presented to the Duke and
Duchess together, you know. Peter! Pe-ter!" she shouts, and in
through the front door she waddles, yellin' for the old man.
And say, just by the look Sadie gave me I knew what was runnin' through
her head.
"Shorty," says she, "I've a mind to do it."
"Flag it," says. "You ain't got time."
But there was no stoppin' her. "Listen," says she to the Tortonis.
"Can't you play Duke and Duchess of Kildee for an hour or so?"
"What are the lines?" says Skinny.
"You've got to improvise as you go along," says she. "Can you do it?"
"It's a pipe for me," says he. "Flossy, do you come in on it?"
Did she? Why, Flossy was diggin' up her English accent while he was
askin' the question, and by the time Mrs. Wigghorn got back, draggin'
Peter by the lapel of his dress coat, the Tortonis was fairly oozin'
aristocracy. It was "Chawmed, don'tcher know!" and "My word!" right
along from the drop of the hat.
I didn't follow 'em inside, and was just as glad I didn't have to.
Sittin' out there, expectin' to hear the lid blow off, made me nervous
enough. I wasn't afraid either of 'em would go shy on front; but when
I remembered Flossy's pencilled eyebrows, and Skinny's flannel collar,
I says to myself, "That'll queer 'em as soon as they get in a good
light and there's time for the details to soak in." And I didn't know
what kind of trouble the Wigghorns might stir up for Sadie, when they
found out how bad they'd been toasted.
It was half an hour before Sadie showed up again, and she was lookin'
merry.
"What have they done with 'em," says I--"dropped 'em down the well?"
Sadie snickered as she climbed in and told Jeems to whip up the team.
"Mr. and Mrs. Wigghorn," says she, "have persuaded the Duke and Duchess
to spend the week's end at Wigghorn Arms."
"Gee!" says I. "Can they run the bluff that long?"
"It's running itself," says Sadie. "The Wigghorns are so overcome with
the honour that they hardly know whether they're afoot or horseback;
and as for your friends, they're more British than the real articles
ever thought of being. I stayed until they'd looked through the suite
of rooms they're to occupy, and when I left they were being towed out
to the garage to pick out a touring car that suited them. They seemed
already to be bored to death, too."
"Good!" say I. "Now maybe you'll take me over to the beach and let me
get in a quarter's worth of swim."
"Can't you put it off, Shorty?" says she. "I want you to take the next
train into town and do an errand for me. Go to the landlady at this
number, East 15th-st., and tell her to send Mr. Tortoni's trunk by
express."
Well, I did it. It took a ten to make the landlady loosen up on the
wardrobe, too; but considerin' the solid joy I've had, thinkin' about
Skinny and Flossy eatin' charlotte russe for breakfast, and all that, I
guess I'm gettin' a lot for my money. It ain't every day you have a
chance to elevate a vaudeville team to the peerage.
V
PUTTING PINCKNEY ON THE JOB
Well, say, this is where we mark up one on Pinckney. And it's time
too, for he's done the grin act at me so often he was comin' to think I
was gettin' into the Slivers class. You know about Pinckney. He's the
bubble on top of the glass, the snapper on the whip lash, the sunny
spot at the club. He's about as serious as a kitten playin' with a
string, and the cares on his mind weigh 'most as heavy as an extra
rooster feather on a spring bonnet.
That's what comes of havin' a self raisin' income, a small list of
relatives, and a moderate thirst. If anything bobs up that needs to be
worried over--like whether he's got vests enough to last through a
little trip to London and back, or whether he's doubled up on his
dates--why, he just tells his man about it, and then forgets. For a
trouble dodger he's got the little birds in the trees carryin' weight.
Pinckney's liable to show up at the Studio here every day for a week,
and then again I won't get a glimpse of him for a month. It's always
safe to expect him when you see him, and it's a waste of time wonderin'
what he'll be up to next. But one of the things I likes most about
Pinckney is that he ain't livin' yesterday or to-morrow. It's always
this A. M. with him, and the rest of the calendar takes care of itself.
So I wa'n't any surprised, as I was doin' a few laps on the avenue
awhile back, to hear him give me the hail.
"Oh, I say, Shorty!" says he, wavin' his stick.
"Got anything on?"
"Nothin' but my clothes," says I.
"Good!" says he. "Come with me, then."
"Sure you know where you're goin'?" says I.
Oh, yes, he was--almost. It was some pier or other he was headed for,
and he has the number wrote down on a card--if he could find the card.
By luck he digs it up out of his cigarette case, where his man has put
it on purpose, and then he proceeds to whistle up a cab. Say, if it
wa'n't for them cabbies, I reckon Pinckney would take root somewhere.
"Meetin' some one, or seein' 'em off?" says I, as we climbs in.
"Hanged if I know yet," says Pinckney.
"Maybe it's you that's goin'?" says I.
"Oh, no," says he. "That is, I hadn't planned to, you know. And come
to think of it, I believe I am to meet--er--Jack and Jill."
"Names sound kind of familiar," says I. "What's the breed?"
"What would be your guess?" says he.
"A pair of spotted ponies," says I.
"By Jove!" says he, "I hadn't thought of ponies."
"Say," says I, sizin' him up to see if he was handin' me a josh, "you
don't mean to give out that you're lookin' for a brace of something to
come in on the steamer, and don't know whether they'll be tame or wild,
long haired or short, crated or live stock?"
"Live stock!" says he, beamin'. "That's exactly the word I have been
trying to think of. That's what I shall ask for. Thanks, awfully,
Shorty, for the hint."
"You're welcome," says I. "It looks like you need all the help along
that line you can get. Do you remember if this pair was somethin' you
sent for, or is it a birthday surprise?"
With that he unloads as much of the tale as he's accumulated up to
date. Seems he'd just got a cablegram from some firm in London that
signs themselves Tootle, Tupper & Tootle, sayin' that Jack and Jill
would be on the _Lucania_, as per letter.
"And then you lost the letter?" says I.
No, he hadn't lost it, not that he knew of. He supposes that it's with
the rest of last week's mail, that he hasn't looked over yet. The
trouble was he'd been out of town, and hadn't been back more'n a day or
so--and he could read letters when there wa'n't anything else to do.
That's Pinckney, from the ground up.
"Why not go back and get the letter now?" says I. "Then you'll know
all about Jack and Jill."
"Oh, bother!" says he. "That would spoil all the fun. Let's see what
they're like first, and read about them afterwards."
"If it suits you," says I, "it's all the same to me. Only you won't
know whether to send for a hostler or an animal trainer."