(_The German Emperor and the Crown Prince._)
_The German Emperor._ Sit down, won't you?
_The Crown Prince._ Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing. One's legs get
so cramped in a motor-car.
_The G. E._ Sit down!
_The C. P._ Really, I----
_The G. E._ SIT DOWN!!
_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll--yes, yes,
there I am. Are you happy now?
_The G. E._ I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence from a
whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty----
_The C. P._ I know what you're going to say: if you did your duty you'd
have me arrested and packed off to prison. Isn't that it? Yes, I thought
so. You want to be like old FREDERICK WILLIAM. He had FREDERICK THE
GREAT sentenced to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence
carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. FREDERICK WILLIAM was mad,
you know--as mad as a hatter, and----
_The G. E._ Stop it. I will not have you add to your other misdeeds the
crime of irreverence against one of the greatest and worthiest members
of our royal House.
_The C. P._ Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare say you regret
that, but there it is, and you won't alter it by glaring at me and
threatening me with your moustache. I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof
by this time.
_The G. E._ What have I done to deserve such a son?
_The C. P._ If it comes to that there's another way of putting it. What
have _I_ done to deserve such a father?--that's what I might ask; but
I'm too respectful, too careful of your feelings. And what's my reward?
You're always nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why can't
you give it a rest?
_The G. E._ This is beyond endurance. But it has always been the same
from the time you cut your teeth until now--no filial piety, no
consideration for your mother and me; only a cross-grained selfishness
and bad temper. What happened in India?
_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going over that old story again, I'm off.
_The G. E._ _Donnerwetter noch einmal!_ Sit still, I tell you. I say
again, what happened in India? You never thought of ingratiating
yourself with the native chiefs. You couldn't even keep your engagements
or be punctual. All you thought of was running after some girl whose
face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have kept you at home
or sent you to London. What a creature to be a Crown Prince!
_The C. P. (wearily)._ There you go again. But I protest against such
treatment. I'd far rather be back before Verdun with old VON HÄSELER
grandmothering me all over the place.
_The G. E._ I wonder you dare to mention the word Verdun in my presence.
_The C. P._ Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself Commander of the
Verdun armies. You did that, and I've done my best to obey your orders
and those of the High Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose
thousands upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do be reasonable,
my respected father. It was you who wanted Verdun. You won't be happy
till you get it, and if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an
old shoe without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if we
succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the credit of it. If
Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick time to take the salute in
your shining----
_The G. E._ Silence, jackanapes!
_The C. P._ And if we don't get through poor old VON HÄSELER will have
to retire. You'll send him your photograph in a gold frame to console
him, just as you consoled BISMARCK. Pity there's no BISMARCK now.
However, we can't have everything, can we?
(_Left quarrelling._)
* * * * *
"A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames
Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat."
_The Journal (Calcutta)._
This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines have no
doubt before now been accounted for by our naval rams.
* * * * *
"We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph of
organisation.' Is it not simpler to say--that when a man knows
exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should
be done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his
requirements to what is possible; and then, by far the most
important thing of all, can so deal with the many under his
command that each is most furiously anxious to do what the
leader wants--why then, things go right."--_Westminster
Gazette._
The answer is in the negative.
* * * * *
"There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of
this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at
Oxford later on, and seems to have got the best out of both
forms of training--the unhasting and unresting labour of 'the
Shop,' which aims only at making competent gunners and sappers,
and the easy-going round of University life which enlarges one's
sympathy and stimulates the imagination."--_Morning Paper._
Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that the writer of the
above extract must also have been at Oxford, where the imagination gets
stimulated.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy)._ "Ullo,
Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?"
_Lady._ "Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it. They
don't seem to like it much."]
* * * * *