Nekhludoff rose the following morning with a consciousness that some
change had taken place within him, and before he could recall what it
was he already knew that it was good and important.
"Katiousha--the trial. Yes, and I must stop lying, and tell all the
truth." And what a remarkable coincidence! That very morning finally
came the long-expected letter of Maria Vasilievna, the wife of the
marshal of the nobility--that same letter that he wanted so badly now.
She gave him his liberty and wished him happiness in his proposed
marriage.
"Marriage!" he repeated ironically. "How far I am from it!"
And his determination of the day before to tell everything to her
husband, to confess his sin before him, and to hold himself ready for
any satisfaction he might demand, came to his mind. But this morning
it did not seem to him so easy as it had yesterday. "And then, what is
the good of making a man miserable? If he asks me, I will tell him;
but to call on him specially for that purpose---- No, it is not
necessary."
It seemed to him equally difficult this morning to tell all the truth
to Missy. He thought it would be offering an insult. It was
inevitable, as in all worldly affairs, that there should remain
something unexpressed but understood. One thing, however, he decided
upon this morning--that he would not go there, and would tell the
truth when asked. But in his relations toward Katiousha there was to
be nothing unsaid.
"I will go to the jail--will tell her, beg of her to forgive me. And,
if necessary--yes, if necessary--I will marry her," he thought.
The idea that for the sake of moral satisfaction he would sacrifice
everything and marry her this morning particularly affected him.
It was a long time since he had risen with so much energy in him. When
Agrippina Petrovna entered his room he declared to her with a
determination which he himself did not expect, that he had no further
need of the house, and that he would dispense with her services. There
was a tacit understanding that the large house was kept up for his
contemplated marriage. The closing up of the house consequently had
some particular significance. Agrippina Petrovna looked at him with
surprise.
"I thank you very much, Agrippina Petrovna, for your solicitude in my
behalf, but I do not now need such a large house, or any of the
servants. If you wish to help me, then be so kind as to pack away the
things as you used to do in mamma's lifetime. Natasha will dispose of
them when she arrives." Natasha was Nekhludoff's sister.
Agrippina Petrovna shook her head.
"Dispose of them? Why, they will be needed," she said.
"No, they will not, Agrippina Petrovna--they will positively not be
needed," said Nekhludoff, answering what she meant by shaking his
head. "Please tell Kornei that his salary will be paid for two months
in advance, but that I do not need him."
"You are wrong in doing this, Dmitri Ivanovich," she said. "You will
need a house even if you go abroad."
"You misunderstand me, Agrippina Petrovna. I will not go abroad, and
if I do go, it will be to an entirely different place."
His face suddenly turned a purple color.
"Yes, it is necessary to tell her," he thought. "I must tell all to
everybody.
"A very strange and important thing has happened to me. Do you
remember Katiousha, who lived with Aunt Maria Ivanovna?"
"Of course; I taught her to sew."
"Well, then, she was tried in court yesterday, and I was one of the
jury."
"Ah, good Lord! what a pity!" said Agrippina Petrovna. "What was she
tried for?"
"Murder, and it was all caused by me."
"How could you have caused it? You are talking very strangely," said
Agrippina Petrovna, and fire sparkled in her old eyes.
She knew of the incident with Katiousha.
"Yes, it is my fault. And this causes me to change my plans."
"What change can this cause in your plans?" said Agrippina Petrovna,
suppressing a smile.
"This: That since it was through my fault that she is in her present
condition, I consider it my duty to help her to the extent of my
ability."
"That is your affair, but I cannot see that you are so much in fault.
It happens to everybody, and if one is guided by common sense the
matter is usually arranged and forgotten, and one lives on like the
rest of the world," said Agrippina Petrovna, sternly and seriously.
"There is no reason why you should take it so much to heart. I heard
long ago that she had gone to the bad, so whose fault is it?"
"It is my fault, and that is why I wish to make amends."
"Well, it is hard to set that right."
"That is my affair. If you are thinking of yourself, then that which
mother wished----"
"I am not thinking of myself. Your deceased mother showed me so many
favors that I do not desire anything. My niece, Lizauka, wishes me to
come to her, so I will go as soon as you need me no longer. Only you
are taking it too much to heart; it happens with everybody."
"Well, I do not think so. I still ask you to help me rent the house
and pack away the things. And do not be angry with me. I am very, very
thankful to you for everything."
It is remarkable that since Nekhludoff understood that he was
disgusted with himself, others ceased to be repulsive to him. On the
contrary, he had a kindly and respectful feeling for Agrippina
Petrovna and Kornei. He wished to confess also before Kornei, but the
latter was so impressively respectful that he could not make up his
mind to do it.
On his way to the court, passing along the familiar streets and in the
same carriage, Nekhludoff was himself surprised what a different man
he felt himself to-day.
His marriage to Missy, which but yesterday seemed to be so near,
to-day appeared to him absolutely impossible. Yesterday he understood
his position to be such that there could be no doubt that she would be
happy to marry him; to-day he felt himself unworthy not only of
marrying her, but of being her friend. "If she only knew who I was,
she would never receive me, and yet I taunted her with coquetting with
that gentleman. But no, even if she married me I should never have
peace, even though I were happy, while that one is in jail, and may
any day be sent under escort to Siberia. While the woman whom I have
ruined is tramping the weary road to penal servitude, I will be
receiving congratulations, and paying visits with my young wife. Or I
will be counting the votes for and against school inspection, etc.,
with the marshal, whom I have shamefully deceived, and afterward make
appointments with his wife (what abomination!). Or I will work on my
picture, which will, evidently, never be finished, for I had no
business to occupy myself with such trifles. And I can do neither of
these things now," he said to himself, happy at the inward change
which he felt.
"First of all," he thought, "I must see the lawyer, and then--then see
her in jail--the convict of yesterday--and tell her everything."
And when he thought how he would see her, confess his guilt before
her, how he would declare to her that he would do everything in his
power, marry her in order to wipe out his guilt, he became
enraptured, and tears filled his eyes.