For three years afterward Nekhludoff did not see Katiousha. But when,
as staff-officer, he was on his way to his army post, he paid a short
visit to his aunts, but an entirely different man. Three years ago he
was an honest, self-denying youth, ready to devote himself to every
good cause; now he was a corrupt and refined egotist, given over to
personal enjoyment. Then, the world appeared to him as a mystery which
he joyfully and enthusiastically tried to solve; now, everything in
this world was plain and simple, and was determined by those
conditions of life in which he found himself. Then, it was necessary
and important to hold communion with nature and with those people who
lived, thought and felt before him (philosophers, poets); now, human
institutions were the only things necessary and important, and
communion he held with his comrades. Woman, then, appeared to him a
mysterious and charming creature; now, he looked on woman, on every
woman, except nearest relations and wives of friends, as a means of
gratifying now tried pleasures. Then, he needed no money, and wanted
not a third part what his mother gave him, disclaimed title to his
father's land, distributing it among the peasants; now, the fifteen
hundred rubles' monthly allowance he received from his mother did not
suffice for his needs, and he often made it the cause of unpleasant
conversation with her. His true self he then considered his spiritual
being; now, his healthy, vigorous, animal self was his true ego.
And all this terrible transformation took place in him only because he
ceased to have faith in himself, and began to believe in others. To
live according to the faith that was in him was burdensome; every
question would have to be decided almost always against his animal
ego, which was seeking light pleasures; but reposing his faith in
others, there remained nothing to decide, everything having been
decided, and decided always against the spiritual and in favor of the
animal ego. Besides, following his inner faith, he was always subject
to the censure of people; in the other case he received the approval
of the people that surrounded him.
Thus, when Nekhludoff was thinking, reading, speaking of God, of
truth, of wealth, of poverty, everybody considered it out of place and
somewhat queer, while his mother and aunt, with good-natured irony,
called him notre cher philosophe. When, however, he was reading
novels, relating indecent anecdotes or seeing droll vaudevilles in the
French theatre, and afterward merrily repeated them, everybody praised
and encouraged him. When he considered it necessary to curtail his
needs, wore an old coat and gave up wine-drinking, everybody
considered it eccentric and vain originality; but when he spent large
sums in organizing a chase, or building an unusual, luxurious cabinet,
everybody praised his taste and sent him valuable gifts. When he was
chaste, and wished to preserve his chastity till marriage, his
relatives were anxious about his health, and his mother, so far from
being mortified, rather rejoiced when she learned that he had become a
real man, and had enticed the French mistress of some friend of his.
As to the Katiousha episode--that the thought might occur to him of
marrying her, she could not even think of without horror.
Similarly, when Nekhludoff, on reaching his majority, distributed the
estate he inherited from his father among the peasants, because he
considered the ownership of land unjust, this act of his horrified his
mother and relatives, who constantly reproached and ridiculed him for
it. He was told unceasingly that so far from enriching it only
impoverished the peasants, who opened three liquor stores and stopped
working entirely. When, however, Nekhludoff joined the Guards, and
spent and gambled away so much money that Elena Ivanovna had to draw
from her capital, she scarcely grieved, considering it quite natural
and even beneficial to be thus inoculated when young and in good
society.
Nekhludoff at first struggled, but the struggle was very hard, for
whatever he did, following the faith that was in him, was considered
wrong by others, and, contrariwise, whatever he considered wrong was
approved of by his relatives. The result was that Nekhludoff ceased to
have faith in himself and began to follow others. At first this
renunciation of self was unpleasant, but it was short lived, and
Nekhludoff, who now began to smoke and drink wine, soon ceased to
experience this unpleasant feeling, and was even greatly relieved.
Passionate by nature, Nekhludoff gave himself up entirely to this new
life, approved of by all those that surrounded him, and completely
stifled in himself that voice which demanded something different. It
commenced with his removal to St. Petersburg, and ended with his entry
upon active service.
During this period of his life Nekhludoff felt the ecstasy of freedom
from all those moral impediments which he had formerly placed before
himself, and continued in a chronic condition of insane egotism.
He was in this condition when, three years afterward, he visited his
aunts.