(_HERR VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and FRAU VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG._)
_She._ You are late again, Theobald. How often must I----
_He._ Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha. After what I have
been forced to go through it is a wonder that I am here at all.
_She._ What--have you been seeing _him_ again? I thought he was away
with one of the armies and you would be having a holiday.
_He._ So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday, indeed! When do I
ever get even a moment in which to think my own thoughts?
_She._ At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany owes to you.
Where would he have been, I wonder, if it had not been for your
constant devotion to his service throughout this terrible time? Does
he realise what that has meant for him and his?
_He._ Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience of one of
them, at any rate. If you flatter them they smile on you and take all
the credit of your work. But I am not cut out of that sort of wood,
and the result is that he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon
by mistake. You know that look, don't you?
_She._ Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It makes everything
black and uncomfortable. But if he is like that and does not consider
your feelings, why do you continue to serve him? You should assert
yourself, and if he does not improve you should send in your
resignation. After all there are better things in the world than to be
Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work.
_He._ Of course I have thought of that, but I have put the idea aside.
If I were to resign now it would only give joy to my enemies, and they
are the last people in the world to whom I wish to give joy. He
won't get rid of me just yet, for he finds me too useful as a
lightning-conductor. Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push
by sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my health,
and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor.
_She._ And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will come soon,
though I shudder to think what will become of the country when you go.
However, we won't talk of that any more. Tell me rather what he has
been saying to you to-day.
_He._ Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the Reichstag.
_She._ Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear and
patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all my life have I read
anything so patriotic and convincing. What _does_ he complain of?
_He._ What does he not complain of? First, he is angry that I defend
myself against attacks made in an anonymous pamphlet.
_She._ Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it.
_He._ I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of course,
possible. It would be just like him to play me a trick like that.
But what chiefly provoked his anger was what I said about the naval
battle.
_She._ Yes, I remember you said that England was not thereby defeated.
If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself thought that this was a rash
statement.
_He._ So you're going to turn against me too, are you? It was a true
statement, whatever he or you may say. They lost ships, yes, and we
lost ships too, and we can afford to lose ships much less that the
English can. What is the use of pretending that we've won the War
and beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and fought
bravely? So did the English, and they've got more ships left than we
have, more's the pity.
_She._ But _he_ has made a glorification speech about it, hasn't he?
_He._ Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have worked himself
up to the point of believing that he commanded our ships in the
battle. I know him; but he needn't think _I_'m going to encourage him
in this laughable pretension.
_She._ Do not think about him any more, but go to bed and have a good
sleep.
_He._ I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure, and he will
command me to come and see him. (_The telephone rings._) There, I told
you so.
* * * * *
Is it true that the KAISER intends to confer upon Admiral VON SCHEER
the title of Baron von Sheer-off?
* * * * *
Our Classicists.
"Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German
submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly--but
de mortibus, and the rest of it.'"--_Provincial Paper._
Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough, thank you.
* * * * *
"Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some
twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught
the mysteries of compound fractures by a petty
officer."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art of recurring
decimation?
* * * * *
"Private Willie----has returned from France looking extremely
robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of
instruction at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again
to the front."--_Irish Paper._
As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for the German
Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted to better use, the
authorities might now alter the name.
[Illustration: UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR.
_German Father._ "Can't we see our victorious fleet?"
_Official._ "No, you can't. Nobody can!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA.