THE ABSURD BECOMES SERIOUS
I can understand the emotions of a broken-down war horse that is
hitched to a vegetable wagon. I am going to Milwaukee to work! It is a
thing to make the gods hold their sides and roll down from their
mountain peaks with laughter. After New York—Milwaukee!
Of course Von Gerhard is to blame. But I think even he sees the humor
of it. It happened in this way, on a day when I was indulging in a
particularly greenery-yallery fit of gloom. Norah rushed into my room.
I think I was mooning over some old papers, or letters, or ribbons, or
some such truck in the charming, knife-turning way that women have when
they are blue.
“Out wid yez!” cried Norah. “On with your hat and coat! I’ve just had a
wire from Ernst von Gerhard. He’s coming, and you look like an
under-done dill pickle. You aren’t half as blooming as when he was here
in August, and this is October. Get out and walk until your cheeks are
so red that Von Gerhard will refuse to believe that this fiery-faced
puffing, bouncing creature is the green and limp thing that huddled in
a chair a few months ago. Out ye go!”
And out I went. Hatless, I strode countrywards, leaving paved streets
and concrete walks far behind. There were drifts of fallen leaves all
about, and I scuffled through them drearily, trying to feel gloomy, and
old, and useless, and failing because of the tang in the air, and the
red-and-gold wonder of the frost-kissed leaves, and the regular
pump-pump of good red blood that was coursing through my body as per
Norah’s request.
In a field at the edge of the town, just where city and country begin
to have a bowing acquaintance, the college boys were at football
practice. Their scarlet sweaters made gay patches of color against the
dull gray-brown of the autumn grass.
“Seven-eighteen-two-four!” called a voice. There followed a scuffle, a
creaking of leather on leather, a thud. I watched them, a bit
enviously, walking backwards until a twist in the road hid them from
view. That same twist transformed my path into a real country road—a
brown, dusty, monotonous Michigan country road that went severely about
its business, never once stopping to flirt with the blushing autumn
woodland at its left, or to dally with the dimpling ravine at its
right.
“Now if that were an English country road,” thought I, “a sociably
inclined, happy-go-lucky, out-for-pleasure English country road, one
might expect something of it. On an English country road this would be
the psychological moment for the appearance of a blond god, in gray
tweed. What a delightful time of it Richard Le Gallienne’s hero had on
his quest! He could not stroll down the most innocent looking lane, he
might not loiter along the most out-of-the-way path, he never ambled
over the barest piece of country road, that he did not come face to
face with some witty and lovely woman creature, also in search of
things unconventional, and able to quote charming lines from Chaucer to
him.”
Ah, but that was England, and this is America. I realize it sadly as I
step out of the road to allow a yellow milk wagon to rattle past. The
red letters on the yellow milk cart inform the reader that it is the
property of August Schimmelpfennig, of Hickory Grove. The
Schimmelpfennig eye may be seen staring down upon me from the bit of
glass in the rear as the cart rattles ahead, doubtless being suspicious
of hatless young women wandering along country roads at dusk, alone.
There was that in the staring eye to which I took exception. It wore an
expression which made me feel sure that the mouth below it was all
a-grin, if I could but have seen it. It was bad enough to be stared at
by the fishy Schimmelpfennig eye, but to be grinned at by the
Schimmelpfennig mouth!—I resented it. In order to show my resentment I
turned my back on the Schimmelpfennig cart and pretended to look up the
road which I had just traveled.
I pretended to look up the road, and then I did look in earnest. No
wonder the Schimmelpfennig eye and mouth had worn the leering
expression. The blond god in gray tweed was swinging along toward me! I
knew that he was blond because he wore no hat and the last rays of the
October sun were making a little halo effect about his head. I knew
that his gray clothes were tweed because every well regulated hero on a
country road wears tweed. It’s almost a religion with them. He was not
near enough to make a glance at his features possible. I turned around
and continued my walk. The yellow cart, with its impudent
Schimmelpfennig leer, was disappearing in a cloud of dust. Shades of
the “Duchess” and Bertha M. Clay! How does one greet a blond god in
gray tweed on a country road, when one has him!
The blond god solved the problem for me.
“Hi!” he called. I did not turn. There was a moment’s silence. Then
there came a shrill, insistent whistle, of the kind that is made by
placing four fingers between the teeth. It is a favorite with the
gallery gods. I would not have believed that gray tweed gods stooped to
it.
“Hi!” called the voice again, very near now. “Lieber Gott! Never have I
seen so proud a young woman!”
I whirled about to face Von Gerhard; a strangely boyish and
unprofessional looking Von Gerhard.
“Young man,” I said severely, “have you been a-follerin’ of me?”
“For miles,” groaned he, as we shook hands. “You walk like a grenadier.
I am sent by the charming Norah to tell you that you are to come home
to mix the salad dressing, for there is company for supper. I am the
company.”
I was still a bit dazed. “But how did you know which road to take? And
when—”
“Wunderbar, nicht wahr?” laughed Von Gerhard. “But really quite simple.
I come in on an earlier train than I had expected, chat a moment with
sister Norah, inquire after the health of my patient, and am told that
she is running away from a horde of blue devils!—quote your charming
sister—that have swarmed about her all day. What direction did her
flight take? I ask. Sister Norah shrugs her shoulders and presumes that
it is the road which shows the reddest and yellowest autumn colors.
That road will be your road. So!”
“Pooh! How simple! That is the second disappointment you have given me
to-day.”
“But how is that possible? The first has not had time to happen.”
“The first was yourself,” I replied, rudely.
“I had been longing for an adventure. And when I saw you ’way up the
road, such an unusual figure for our Michigan country roads, I forgot
that I was a disappointed old grass widder with a history, and I grew
young again, and my heart jumped up into my throat, and I sez to
mesilf, sez I: ‘Enter the hero!’ And it was only you.”
Von Gerhard stared a moment, a curious look on his face. Then he
laughed one of those rare laughs of his, and I joined him because I was
strangely young, light, and happy to be alive.
“You walk and enjoy walking, yes?” asked Von Gerhard, scanning my face.
“Your cheeks they are like—well, as unlike the cheeks of the German
girls as Diana’s are unlike a dairy maid’s. And the nerfs? They no
longer jump, eh?”
“Oh, they jump, but not with weariness. They jump to get into action
again. From a life of too much excitement I have gone to the other
extreme. I shall be dead of ennui in another six months.”
“Ennui?” mused he, “and you are—how is it?—twenty-eight years, yes?
H’m!”
There was a world of exasperation in the last exclamation.
“I am a thousand years old,” it made me exclaim, “a million!”
“I will prove to you that you are sixteen,” declared Von Gerhard,
calmly.
We had come to a fork in the road. At the right the narrower road ran
between two rows of great maples that made an arch of golden splendor.
The frost had kissed them into a gorgeous radiance.
“Sunshine Avenue,” announced Von Gerhard. “It beckons us away from
home, and supper and salad dressing and duty, but who knows what we
shall find at the end of it!”
“Let’s explore,” I suggested. “It is splendidly golden enough to be
enchanted.”
We entered the yellow canopied pathway.
“Let us pretend this is Germany, yes?” pleaded Von Gerhard. “This
golden pathway will end in a neat little glass-roofed restaurant, with
tables and chairs outside, and comfortable German papas and mammas and
pig-tailed children sitting at the tables, drinking coffee or beer.
There will be stout waiters, and a red-faced host. And we will seat
ourselves at one of the tables, and I will wave my hand, and one of the
stout waiters will come flying. ‘Will you have coffee, _Fraulein_, or
beer?’ It sounds prosaic, but it is very, very good, as you will see.
Pathways in Germany always end in coffee and Kuchen and waiters in
white aprons.”
But, “Oh, no!” I exclaimed, for his mood was infectious. “This is
France. Please! The golden pathway will end in a picturesque little
French farm, with a dairy. And in the doorway of the farmhouse there
will be a red-skirted peasant woman, with a white cap! and a baby on
her arm! and sabots! Oh, surely she will wear sabots!”
“Most certainly she will wear sabots,” Von Gerhard said, heatedly, “and
blue knitted stockings. And the baby’s name is Mimi!”
We had taken hands and were skipping down the pathway now, like two
excited children.
“Let’s run,” I suggested. And run we did, like two mad creatures, until
we rounded a gentle curve and brought up, panting, within a foot of a
decrepit rail fence. The rail fence enclosed a stubbly, lumpy field.
The field was inhabited by an inquiring cow. Von Gerhard and I stood
quite still, hand in hand, gazing at the cow. Then we turned slowly and
looked at each other.
“This pathway of glorified maples ends in a cow,” I said, solemnly. At
which we both shrieked with mirth, leaning on the decrepit fence and
mopping our eyes with our handkerchiefs.
“Did I not say you were sixteen?” taunted Von Gerhard. We were getting
surprisingly well acquainted.
“Such a scolding as we shall get! It will be quite dark before we are
home. Norah will be tearing her hair.”
It was a true prophecy. As we stampeded up the steps the door was flung
open, disclosing a tragic figure.
“Such a steak!” wailed Norah, “and it has been done for hours and
hours, and now it looks like a piece of fried ear. Where have you two
driveling idiots been? And mushrooms too.”
“She means that the ruined steak was further enhanced by mushrooms,” I
explained in response to Von Gerhard’s bewildered look. We marched into
the house, trying not to appear like sneak thieves. Max, pipe in mouth,
surveyed us blandly.
“Fine color you’ve got, Dawn,” he remarked.
“There is such a thing as overdoing this health business,” snapped
Norah, with a great deal of acidity for her. “I didn’t tell you to make
them purple, you know.”
Max turned to Von Gerhard. “Now what does she mean by that do you
suppose, eh Ernst?”
“Softly, brother, softly!” whispered Von Gerhard. “When women exchange
remarks that apparently are simple, and yet that you, a man, cannot
understand, then know there is a woman’s war going on, and step softly,
and hold your peace. Aber ruhig!”
Calm was restored with the appearance of the steak, which was found to
have survived the period of waiting, and to be incredibly juicy and
tender. Presently we were all settled once more in the great beamed
living room, Sis at the piano, the two men smoking their after-dinner
cigars with that idiotic expression of contentment which always adorns
the masculine face on such occasions.
I looked at them—at those three who had done so much for my happiness
and well being, and something within me said: “Now! Speak now!” Norah
was playing very softly, so that the Spalpeens upstairs might not be
disturbed. I took a long breath and made the plunge.
“Norah, if you’ll continue the slow music, I’ll be much obliged. ‘The
time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things.’”
“Don’t be absurd,” said Norah, over her shoulder, and went on playing.
“I never was more serious in my life, good folkses all. I’ve got to be.
This butterfly existence has gone on long enough. Norah, and Max, and
Mr. Doctor Man, I am going away.”
Norah’s hands crashed down on the piano keys with a jangling discord.
She swung about to face me.
“Not New York again, Dawn! Not New York!”
“I am afraid so,” I answered.
Max—bless his great, brotherly heart—rose and came over to me and put a
hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t you like it here, girlie? Want to be hauled home on a shutter
again, do you? You know that as long as we have a home, you have one.
We need you here.”
But I shook my head. From his chair at the other side of the room I
could feel Von Gerhard’s gaze fixed upon us. He had said nothing.
“Need me! No one needs me. Don’t worry; I’m not going to become maudlin
about it. But I don’t belong here, and you know, it. I have my work to
do. Norah is the best sister that a woman ever had. And Max, you’re an
angel brother-in-law. But how can I stay on here and keep my
self-respect?” I took Max’s big hand in mine and gathered courage from
it.
“But you have been working,” wailed Norah, “every morning. And I
thought the book was coming on beautifully. And I’m sure it will be a
wonderful book, Dawn dear. You are so clever.”
“Oh, the book—it is too uncertain. Perhaps it will go, but perhaps it
won’t. And then—what? It will be months before the book is properly
polished off. And then I may peddle it around for more months. No; I
can’t afford to trifle with uncertainties. Every newspaper man or woman
writes a book. It’s like having the measles. There is not a newspaper
man living who does not believe, in his heart, that if he could only
take a month or two away from the telegraph desk or the police run, he
could write the book of the year, not to speak of the great American
Play. Why, just look at me! I’ve only been writing seriously for a few
weeks, and already the best magazines in the country are refusing my
manuscripts daily.”
“Don’t joke,” said Norah, coming over to me, “I can’t stand it.”
“Why not? Much better than weeping, isn’t it? And anyway, I’m no
subject for tears any more. Dr. von Gerhard will tell you how well and
strong I am. Won’t you, Herr Doktor?”
“Well,” said Von Gerhard, in his careful, deliberate English, “since
you ask me, I should say that you might last about one year, in New
York.”
“There! What did I tell you!” cried Norah.
“What utter blither!” I scoffed, turning to glare at Von Gerhard.
“Gently,” warned Max. “Such disrespect to the man who pulled you back
from the edge of the yawning grave only six months ago!”
“Yawning fiddlesticks!” snapped I, elegantly. “There was nothing wrong
with me except that I wanted to be fussed over. And I have been. And
I’ve loved it. But it must stop now.” I rose and walked over to the
table and faced Von Gerhard, sitting there in the depths of a great
chair. “You do not seem to realize that I am not free to come and go,
and work and play, and laugh and live like other women. There is my
living to make. And there is—Peter Orme. Do you think that I could stay
on here like this? Oh, I know that Max is not a poor man. But he is not
a rich man, either. And there are the children to be educated, and
besides, Max married Norah O’Hara, not the whole O’Hara tribe. I want
to go to work. I am not a free woman, but when I am working, I forget,
and am almost happy. I tell you I must be well again! I will be well! I
am well!”
At the end of which dramatic period I spoiled the whole effect by
bowing my head on the table and giving way to a fit of weeping such as
I had not had since the days of my illness.
“Looks like it,” said Max, at which I decided to laugh, and the
situation was saved.
It was then that Von Gerhard proposed the thing that set us staring at
him in amused wonder. He came over and stood looking down at us, his
hands outspread upon the big library table, his body bent forward in an
attitude of eager intentness. I remember thinking what wonderful hands
they were, true indexes of the man’s character; broad, white, surgeonly
hands; the fingers almost square at the tips. They were hands as
different from those slender, nervous, unsteady, womanly hands of Peter
Orme as any hands could be, I thought. They were hands made for work
that called for delicate strength, if such a paradox could be; hands to
cling to; to gain courage from; hands that spelled power and reserve. I
looked at them, fascinated, as I often had done before, and thought
that I never had seen such SANE hands.
“You have done me the honor to include me in this little family
conclave,” began Ernst von Gerhard. “I am going to take advantage of
your trust. I shall give you some advice—a thing I usually keep for
unpleasant professional occasions. Do not go back to New York.”
“But I know New York. And New York—the newspaper part of it—knows me.
Where else can I go?”
“You have your book to finish. You could never finish it there, is it
not so?”
I’m afraid I shrugged my shoulders. It was all so much harder than I
had expected. What did they want me to do? I asked myself, bitterly.
Von Gerhard went on. “Why not go where the newspaper work will not be
so nerve-racking? where you still might find time for this other work
that is dear to you, and that may bring its reward in time.” He reached
out and took my hand, into his great, steady clasp. “Come to the happy,
healthy, German town called Milwaukee, yes? Ach, you may laugh. But
newspaper work is newspaper work the world over, because men and women
are just men and women the world over. But there you could live sanely,
and work not too hard, and there would be spare hours for the book that
is near your heart. And I—I will speak of you to Norberg, of the Post.
And on Sundays, if you are good, I may take you along the marvelous
lake drives in my little red runabout, yes? Aber wunderbar, those
drives are! So.”
Then—“Milwaukee!” shrieked Max and Norah and I, together. “After New
York—Milwaukee!”
“Laugh,” said Von Gerhard, quite composedly. “I give you until
to-morrow morning to stop laughing. At the end of that time it will not
seem quite so amusing. No joke is so funny after one has contemplated
it for twelve hours.”
The voice of Norah, the temptress, sounded close to my ear. “Dawn dear,
just think how many million miles nearer you would be to Max, and me,
and home.”
“Oh, you have all gone mad! The thing is impossible. I shan’t go back
to a country sheet in my old age. I suppose that in two more years I
shall be editing a mothers’ column on an agricultural weekly.”
“Norberg would be delighted to get you,” mused Von Gerhard, “and it
would be day work instead of night work.”
“And you would send me a weekly bulletin on Dawn’s health, wouldn’t
you, Ernst?” pleaded Norah. “And you’d teach her to drink beer and she
shall grow so fat that the Spalpeens won’t know their auntie.”
At last—“How much do they pay?” I asked, in desperation. And the thing
that had appeared so absurd at first began to take on the shape of
reality.
Von Gerhard did speak to Norberg of the Post. And I am to go to
Milwaukee next week. The skeleton of the book manuscript is stowed
safely away in the bottom of my trunk and Norah has filled in the
remaining space with sundry flannels, and hot water bags and medicine
flasks, so that I feel like a schoolgirl on her way to boarding-school,
instead of like a seasoned old newspaper woman with a capital PAST and
a shaky future. I wish that I were chummier with the Irish saints. I
need them now.