MORBID BROODING
To the millions who are suffering in mind or body there certainly come
in this world moments of repose, when pain ceases; and the respite
seems so delicious in contrast that it may well suggest the "rest that
remaineth." Thinking of neither the past nor the future, Gregory for a
little time gave himself up to the sense of present and luxurious
comfort. With closed eyes and mind almost as quiet as his motionless
body, he let the moments pass, feeling dimly that he would ask no
better heaven than the eternal continuance of this painless,
half-dreaming lethargy.
He was soon aroused, however, by a knocking at the door, and a
middle-aged servant placed before him a tempting plate of Albert
biscuit and a glass of home-made currant wine of indefinite age. The
quaint and dainty little lunch caught his appetite as exactly as if
manna had fallen adapted to his need; but it soon stimulated him out of
his condition of partial non-existence. With returning consciousness of
the necessity of living and acting came the strong desire to spend as
much of his vacation as possible in his old home, and he determined to
avail himself of Mr. Walton's invitation to the utmost limit that
etiquette would permit.
His awakened mind gave but little thought to his entertainers, and he
did not anticipate much pleasure from their society. He was satisfied
that they were refined, cultivated people, with whom he could be as
much at ease as would be possible in any companionship, but he hoped
and proposed to spend the most of his time alone in wandering amid old
scenes and brooding over the past. The morbid mind is ever full of
unnatural contradictions, and he found a melancholy pleasure in
shutting his eyes to the future and recalling the time when he had been
happy and hopeful. In his egotism he found more that interested him in
his past and vanished self than in the surrounding world. Evil and
ill-health had so enfeebled his body, narrowed his mind, and blurred
the future, that his best solace seemed a vain and sentimental
recalling of the crude yet comparatively happy period of childhood.
This is sorry progress. A man must indeed have lived radically wrong
when he looks backward for the best of his life. Gray-haired Mr. Walton
was looking forward. Gregory's habit of self-pleasing--of acting
according to his mood--was too deeply seated to permit even the thought
of returning the hospitality he hoped to enjoy by a cordial effort on
his part to prove himself an agreeable guest. Polite he ever would be,
for he had the instincts and training of a gentleman, in society's
interpretation of the word, but he had lost the power to feel a
generous solicitude for the feelings and happiness of others. Indeed,
he rather took a cynical pleasure in discovering defects in the
character of those around him, and in learning that their seeming
enjoyment of life was but hollow and partial. Conscious of being evil
himself, he liked to think others were not much better, or would not be
if tempted. Therefore, with a gloomy scepticism, he questioned all the
seeming happiness and goodness he saw. "It is either unreal or
untried," he was wont to say bitterly.
About seven o'clock, Hannah, the waitress, again appeared, saying:
"Supper is ready, but the ladies beg you will not come down unless you
feel able. I can bring up your tea if you wish."
Thinking first and only of self, he at once decided not to go down. He
felt sufficiently rested and revived, but was in no mood for
commonplace talk to comparative strangers. His cosey chair, glowing
fire, and listless ease were much better than noisy children,
inquisitive ladies, and the unconscious reproach of Mr. Walton's face,
as he would look in vain for the lineaments of his lost friend.
Therefore he said, suavely: "Please say to the ladies that I am so
wearied that I should make but a dull companion, and so for their
sakes, as well as my own, had better not leave my room this evening."
It is the perfection of art in selfishness to make it appear as if you
were thinking only of others. This was the design of Walter's polite
message. Soon a bit of tender steak, a roast potato, tea, and toast
were smoking appetizingly beside him, and he congratulated himself that
he had escaped the bore of company for one evening.
Notwithstanding his misanthropy and cherished desolation the supper was
so inviting that he was tempted to partake of it heartily. Then
incasing himself in his ample dressing-gown he placed his slippered
feet on the fender before a cheery fire, lighted a choice Havana, and
proceeded to be miserable after the fashion that indulged misery often
affects.
Hannah quietly removed the tea-tray, and Mr. Walton came up and
courteously inquired if there was anything that would add to his
guest's comfort.
"After a few hours of rest and quiet I hope I shall be able to make a
better return for your hospitality," Gregory rejoined, with equal
politeness.
"Oh, do not feel under any obligation to exert yourself," said kind Mr.
Walton. "In order to derive full benefit from your vacation, you must
simply rest and follow your moods."
This view of the case suited Gregory exactly, and the prospect of a
visit at his old home grew still more inviting. When he was left alone,
he gave himself up wholly to the memories of the past.
At first it was with a pleasurable pain that he recalled his former
life. With an imagination naturally strong he lived it all over again,
from the date of his first recollections. In the curling flames and
glowing coals on the hearth a panorama passed before him. He saw a
joyous child, a light-hearted boy, and a sanguine youth, with the
shifting and familiar scenery of well-remembered experience. Time
softened the pictures, and the harsh, rough outlines which exist in
every truthful portraiture of life were lost in the haze of distance.
The gentle but steady light of mother love, and through her a pale,
half-recognized reflection of the love of God, illumined all those
years; and his father's strong, quiet affection made a background
anything but dark. He had been naturally what is termed a very good
boy, full of generous impulses. There had been no lack of ordinary
waywardness or of the faults of youth, but they showed a tendency to
yield readily to the correcting influence of love. Good impulses,
however, are not principles, and may give way to stronger impulses of
evil. If the influences of his early home had alone followed him, he
would not now be moodily recalling the past as the exiled convict might
watch the shores of his native land recede.
And then, as in his prolonged revery the fire burned low, and the ruddy
coals turned to ashes, the past faded into distance, and his present
life, dull and leaden, rose before him, and from regretful memories
that were not wholly painful he passed to that bitterness of feeling
which ever comes when hope is giving place to despair.
The fire flickered out and died, his head drooped lower and lower,
while the brooding frown upon his brow darkened almost into a scowl.
Outwardly he made a sad picture for a young man in the prime of life,
but to Him who looks at the attitude of the soul, what but unutterable
love kept him from appearing absolutely revolting?
Suddenly, like light breaking into a vault a few notes of prelude were
struck upon the piano in the parlor below, and a sweet voice, softened
by distance sung:
"Rock of ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee,"
How often he had heard the familiar words and music in that same home!
They seemed to crown and complete all the memories of the place, but
they reminded him more clearly than ever before that its most
inseparable associations were holy, hopeful, and suggestive of a faith
that he seemed to have lost as utterly as if it had been a gem dropped
into the ocean.
He had lived in foreign lands far from his birthplace, but the purpose
to return ever dwelt pleasurably in his mind. But how could he cross
the gulf that yawned between him and the faith of his childhood? Was
there really anything beyond that gulf save what the credulous
imagination had created? Instinctively he felt that there was, for he
was honest enough with himself to remember that his scepticism was the
result of an evil life and the influence of an unbelieving world,
rather than the outcome of patient investigation. The wish was father
to the thought.
Yet sweet, unfaltering, and clear as the voice of faith ever should be,
the hymn went forward in the room below, his memory supplying the
well-known words that were lost from remoteness:--
"When mine eyelids close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown."
"Oh, when!" he exclaimed, bitterly. "What shall be my experience then?
If I continue to fail in health as I have of late I shall know cursedly
soon. That must be Miss Walton singing. Though she does not realize it,
to me this is almost as cruel mockery as if an angel sang at the gates
of hell."
The music ceased, and the monotone of one reading followed.
"Family prayers as of old," he muttered. "How everything conspires
to-day to bring my home-life back again! and yet there is a fatal lack
of something that is harder to endure than the absence of my own
kindred and vanished youth. I doubt whether I can stay here long after
all. Will not the mocking fable of Tantalus be repeated constantly, as
I see others drinking daily at a fountain which though apparently so
near is ever beyond my reach?"
Shivering with the chill of the night and the deeper chill at heart, he
retired to troubled sleep.