If your former letters made me uneasy, your last note, which I
received yesterday after the hour of the post, made me quite unhappy
for many reasons; but most of all because I found that you were so
yourself. The delay in my answer which has given you so much pain,
was not occasioned by any avocations of business, for there could be
no business which interested me half so much; nor by any carelessness
or forgetfulness, for I can say with truth that there has not been
any hour in the day and very few in the night in which the idea was
not uppermost in my mind. Much less did it arise from any degree of
resentment at any part of your behaviour. I had expressed myself with
some warmth, I wrote from my feelings, and I was apprehensive of
some alteration in your sentiments towards me. Had I been cold and
indifferent myself, I should probably have been more cautious and
respectful.
Yet unless I totally forget the language of my letter, I did not,
I could not, disapprove of your consulting your own happiness, and
of calling on me after so long a respite to fulfil some part of the
most equitable obligation. The cause of my delay was a strong, an
unjustifiable repugnance to write on a subject so foreign to our
ordinary conversations. I dreaded and I delayed too long so painful
an effort. As I am now sensible how uneasy that delay has made you,
I have taken the shortest method of sending, that of the coach.
Forgive this seeming inattention, and believe me when I say that the
affectionate regard, the tender solicitude which you express, have
made an essential part of the happiness, and will always contribute
to the consolation of my life.
I find that I must have stated rather too strongly the difficulties
of my situation so as to alarm and terrify you, both on your
account and on my own. I will endeavour to represent them more
clearly. I have never been extravagant; nor have I made as yet any
_considerable_ addition to the load of debt contracted by my father:
but I have not been able to discharge it. The unhappy accidents which
retarded the sale of Lenborough, have been attended, from the general
hardships of the times, with the most fatal consequences, as land
cannot at present be sold even on the most disadvantageous terms. In
the course of seven or eight years interest has been much higher than
rent, my Expences (notwithstanding the supply of some hundred pounds
from my book) have inevitably exceeded my income.
[Sidenote: HIS PLANS OF ECONOMY.]
You are sensible from your own experience that any plan of economy
must be regulated by place and circumstances. As long as I am in
London and in Parliament, a house in Bentinck Street, a coach,
such a proportion of servants, clothes, living, &c., are almost
necessaries. But they are only necessaries in that situation, and
I am not ignorant that a prudent man should adapt his arrangements
to his fortune. Other countries of a less expensive cost, France,
Switzerland, or perhaps Scotland, may afford an humble Philosophical
retreat to a man of letters, nor should I suffer any accidental
change of fortune, any fall in the World to affect my spirits or
ruffle my tranquility. I have more than once balanced in my own mind
the propriety, or indeed the necessity of such a resolution. The
reason which induces me to suspend such an important and decisive
measure arises from a hope which I could only insinuate and which I
can at present only imperfectly explain. I can only mention that I
am particularly connected with the present Attorney General, that
he solicited my friendship, and offered me his services; and that
if some arrangement should take place which would raise him to a
much higher station, I may depend on a seat at one of the boards
with an additional income of £1000 a year, which would remove every
difficulty and supply every want. Without building on a doubtful
foundation, inclination and even prudence recommend that I should
wait some time for the event of this hope: and my only request is
that you would on your side suspend any resolution of leaving Bath
for some months, perhaps for a year. The difference of the expence in
a year would not exceed £100, which you may command whenever (with a
few days' notice) you will draw upon me.
If my expectations should deceive me (and I am never sanguine)
my party is taken. I feel with gratitude and confusion your
kind offer of retiring for my sake: but independent of every
other consideration, it is far more proper that the unpleasant
circumstances of such a removal should fall on the person who has
health and youth and spirits to support them. With regard to any
further _security_, I should have imagined that in the ordinary
course of credit, my Bond was a very good security to the amount of
the sum: but I am ready to consent to any act which you may consider
as conducive to your interest or happiness.--I much fear that the
agitation of mind may have injured your health before its perfect
recovery from your late accident, and if a single word which I
have written has tended to produce that effect, I shall not easily
forgive myself. Though I cannot bear the thought of your quitting
Bath against your inclinations, I should imagine that in the summer
months, the air of the country would be beneficial to you. Whether
you choose Port Eliot, Sheffield, Essex or any other place, I will,
if my company can be any pleasure or relief to you, lay aside every
other occupation to accompany you.
I am, Dear Madam,
Most truly and affectionately yours,
E. GIBBON.
370.
_To J. B. Holroyd, Esq._
Wednesday night, April, 1779.
I am glad you have exerted some diligence about Mrs. G.'s Estate, but
I wish you could have prevented a letter which I have just received,
and which like a true coward I send you unopened. I fear it contains
sharp or dry reproach for my neglect and silence. On this occasion
you must step in to my assistance and in a proper letter exculpate
me, and take the _whole_ of the blame upon yourself. Whatever _you_
do, you are always entitled to her gratitude, and cannot be afraid
of her displeasure. No time should be lost, therefore return her
Epistle with the aforesaid ostensible letter. I do not go to Bath
this Easter; and Mrs. Gibbon is now satisfied with my conduct and
correspondence. Some journey or arrangement to see her must be
thought of in the course of the summer, but at present it would be
highly inconvenient, our respite is little more than a week, and
besides the approaching hurry of Parliamentary business, of which
there is a large provision, I am now deeply and not unsuccessfully
engaged in the decline and fall; and I _do not totally despair_ of
bringing out the second Volume next Winter. So that upon the whole
(as you do not interfere either with History or Parliament) I am
ready to receive you when you please: but had much rather you would
bring My Lady with you, as I very much like that sort of taste of
Matrimonial life. I am not perfectly well. So--Adieu.