The man who worked for them had gone ahead in the spring wagon with her
trunk. She was waiting for Ted to hitch the other horse to the buggy and
drive her in to the train. She was all ready and stood there looking
about the house she was leaving. There were things in that room which
they had had since their first years together--that couch, this chair,
had come to them in Arizona in the days when they loved each other with
a passion that made everything else in the world a pale thing before
their love. She stood picking out things that they had had when love was
flaming strong in them and it seemed they two fought together against
the whole world. And as she stood there alone in their place in common
that she was about to leave she was made sick by a sense of
failure--that desolate sense of failure she had tried all along to beat
down. That love had been theirs--and this was what it had come to. That
wonder had been--and it ended in the misery of this leavetaking. She
turned sharply around, opened the door and stood there in the doorway,
her back to the place she was quitting, her pale stern face turned to
the mountains--to that eastern range which she was going to cross. She
tried to draw something from them, draw strength for the final conflict
which she knew she would have with Ted while they drove in to town. She
looked toward the barn-yard to see if he was most ready, and could not
but smile a little at his grim, resolute face as he was checking up the
horse. She could see so well that he was going to make the best of his
time while driving her in to the train. And it seemed she had nothing
left in her for combat; she would be glad to see the train that was to
take her away.
Three days before Stuart had gone suddenly to Denver. He went with his
friend Stoddard, regarding some of their arrangements for Montana. He
had found only at the last minute that he would have to go, had
hurriedly driven out from town to get his things and tell her he was
going. He had been in the house only a few minutes and was all
excitement about the unexpected trip. It was two days after their talk.
After their moment of being swept together by the feeling of things gone
he had, as if having to get a footing on everyday ground, ended the talk
with saying: "I'll tell you, Ruth, you need a little change. We'll have
to work it out." The next day they were both subdued, more gentle with
each other than they had been of late, but they did not refer to the
night before. After he had hurriedly kissed her good-by when leaving for
Denver he had turned back and said, "And don't you worry--about things,
Ruth. We'll get everything fixed up--and a little change--" He had
hurried down to the machine without finishing it.
She had gone to the window and watched him disappear. He was sitting
erect, alert, talking animatedly with his friend. She watched him as far
as she could see him. She knew that she would not see him again.
And then she hitched up the horse and drove into town and telephoned
Ted, who lived about fifty miles to the north. She told him that she was
going East and asked him to come down the next day and see her.
She had known that Ted would not approve, would not understand, but she
had not expected him to make the fight he had. It had taken every bit of
her will, her force, to meet him. Worn now, and under the stress of the
taking leave, at once too tired and too emotional, she wished that he
would let it rest. But the grim line of his jaw told her that he had no
such intention. She felt almost faint as they drove through the gate.
She closed her eyes and did not open them for some time.
"You see, Ruth," Ted began gently, as if realizing that she was very
worn, "you just don't realize how crazy the whole thing is. It's
ridiculous for you to go to New York--alone! You've never been there,"
he said firmly.
"No. That is one reason for going," she answered, rather feebly.
"One reason for going!" he cried. "What'll you do when the train pulls
in? Where'll you _go_?"
"I don't know, Ted," she said patiently, "just where I will go. And I
rather like that--not knowing where I will go. It's all new, you see.
Nothing is mapped out."
"It's a fool thing!" he cried. "Don't you know that something will
happen to you?"
She smiled a little, very wearily. "Lots of things have happened to me,
Ted, and I've come through them somehow." After a moment she added, with
more spirit: "There's just one thing might happen to me that I haven't
the courage to face." He looked at her inquiringly. "Nothing happening,"
she said, with a little smile.
He turned impatiently and slapped the horse with the reins. "You seem to
have lost your senses," he said sharply.
He drove along in silence for a little. Ruth looked at him and his face
seemed hard. She thought of how close she and Ted had come, how good he
had been, how much it had meant. She could not leave him like this. She
must make the effort, must gather herself together and try and make Ted
see. "Perhaps, Ted," she began tremulously, "you think I have taken
leave of my senses because you haven't tried very hard to understand
just what it is I feel." She smiled wanly as she added, "You've been so
absorbed in your own disapproval, you know."
"Well, how can I be any other way?" he demanded. "Going away like
this--for no reason--on a wild goose chase! Isn't Stuart good to you?"
he asked abruptly.
"Yes, Ted," she answered, as if she were tired of saying it, "Stuart is
good enough to me."
"I suppose things aren't--just as they used to be," he went on, a little
doggedly. "Heavens!--they aren't with anybody! And what will people
say?" he broke out with new force. "Think of what people in Freeport
will say, Ruth. They'll say the whole thing was a failure, and that it
was because you did wrong. They'll say, when the chance finally came,
that Stuart didn't want to marry you." He colored but brought it out
bluntly.
"I suppose they will," agreed Ruth.
"And if they knew the truth--or what I know, though heaven knows I'm
balled up enough about what the truth really is!--they'd say it just
shows again that you are different, not--something wrong," he finished
bitterly.
She said nothing for a moment. "And is that what you think, Ted?" she
asked, choking a little.
"I don't understand it, Ruth," he said, less aggressively. "I had
thought you would be so glad of the chance to marry. I--" he hesitated
but did not pursue that. He had never told her of going to see Mrs.
Williams, of the effort he had made for her. "It seemed that now, when
your chance came, you ought to show people that you do want to do the
right thing. It surprises me a lot, Ruth, that you don't feel that way,
and--Oh! I don't get it at all," he concluded abruptly.
Tears were very close when, after a little, she answered: "Well, Ted,
maybe when you have less of life left you will understand better what it
is I feel. Perhaps," she went on in answer to his look inquiry, "when
the future has shrunk down to fewer years you'll see it as more
important to get from it what you can."
They drove for a little time in silence. They had come in sight of the
town and she had not won Ted; she was going away without his sympathy.
And she was going away alone, more alone this time than she had been
twelve years before.
She laid her hand on his arm, left it there while she was speaking.
"Ted," she said, "it's like this. This has gone for me. It's all gone.
It was wonderful--but it's gone. Some people, I know, could go on with
the life love had made after love was gone. I am not one of those
people--that's all. You speak of there being something discreditable in
my going away just when I could marry. To me there would be something
discreditable in going on. It would be--" she put her hand over her
heart and said it very simply, "it would be unfaithful to something
here." She choked a little and he turned away.
"But I don't see how you can bear, Ruth," he said after a moment, made
gentle by her confidence, "to feel that it has--failed. I don't see how
you can bear--after all you paid for it--to let it come to nothing."
"Don't say that, Ted!" she cried in a voice that told he had touched the
sorest place. "Don't say that!" she repeated, a little wildly. "You
don't know what you're talking about. _Failed?_ A thing that glorified
life for years--_failed_?"
Her voice broke, but it was more steadily she went on: "That's the very
reason I'm going to New York--simply that it may _not_ come to nothing.
I'm going away from it for that very reason--that it may not come to
nothing! That my life may not come to nothing. What I've had--what I've
gone through--lives in me, Ted. It doesn't come to nothing if I--come to
something!" She stopped abruptly with a choking little laugh.
Ted looked at her wonderingly; but the hardness had gone out of his
look. "But what are you going to do, Ruth?" he asked gently.
"I don't know yet. I've got to find out."
"You must see that I can't help but worry about it," he went on. "Going
so far away--to a place absolutely unknown to you--where I'm afraid it
will be so much harder than you think."
She did not answer him, looking off to that eastern range she was going
to cross, as if the mountains could help her to hold on to her own
feeling against the doubts he was trying to throw around her.
"You see, Ruth," he went on, as if feeling his way, not wanting to hurt
her, "what has been may make it hard to go on. You can't tell. You'll
never know--never be sure. Old things may come up to spoil new ones for
you. That's what I'm so afraid of. That's what it seems you aren't
seeing. You would be so much--safer--to stay with Stuart."
She turned to him with a little laugh, her lashes wet. "Yes, Ted dear, I
suppose I would. But I never did seem to stay where I was safest--did
I?"
"Don't worry about me, Ted," she said just as they were coming into
town. "I'm going to take some of father's money--yes, yes, I know it
isn't a great deal, but enough for a little while, till I get my
bearings--and I'm going to make things come alive for me again. I'm not
through yet, that's all. I could have stayed with life gone dead; it
would have been safer, as you say. But you see I'm not through yet,
Ted--I guess that's the secret of it all. I want more life--more things
from life. And I'm going to New York just because it will be so
completely new--so completely beginning new--and because it's the center
of so many living things. And it's such a wonderful time, Ted. It seems
to me the war is going to make a new world--a whole new way of looking
at things. It's as if a lot of old things, old ideas, had been melted,
and were fluid now, and were to be shaped anew. That's the way it seems
to me, and that makes me the more eager to get some things from life
that I haven't had. I've been shut in with my own experience. If I
stayed on here I'd be shut in with my own dead experiences. I want to go
on! I can't stop here--that's all. And we have to find our way for going
on. We must find our own way, Ted, even," she choked, "though what we
see as the way may seem a wild goose chase to some one we love. I'll
tell you why I'm going to New York," she flashed with sudden defiance.
"I'm going because I want to!"
She laughed a little and he laughed with her. Then she went on more
gently: "Because I want to. Just the thought of it has made life come
alive for me--that's reason enough for going to the ends of the earth!
I'm going to _live_ again, Ted--not just go on with what living has
left. I'm going to find some work to do. Yes I _can_!" she cried
passionately in response to his gesture "I suppose to you it seems just
looking out for myself--seems unfaithful to Stuart. Well, it
isn't--that's all I can say, and maybe some day you'll see that it
wasn't. It isn't unfaithful to turn from a person you have nothing more
to offer, for whom you no longer make life a living thing. It's more
faithful to go. You'll see that some time, Ted. But be good to Stuart,"
she hastily added. "You stay with him till he can get off. I've made all
the arrangements with Mrs. Baxter for packing up--sending on the things.
It would be hard for him to do that, I know. And once away from
here--new interests--life all new again--oh, no, Ted dear," she laughed
a little chokingly, "don't worry about Stuart."
"I'm not worrying about Stuart," he muttered. "I'm worrying about you."
She squeezed his arm in affectionate gratitude for the love in the
growling words. "Don't _worry_ about me, Ted," she implored, "be glad
with me! I'm alive again! It's so wonderful to be alive again. There's
the future--a great, beautiful unknown. It _is_ wonderful, Ted," she
said with insistence, as if she would banish his fears--and her own.
They had a few minutes to wait, and Ted ran over to the postoffice to
get her mail for her--she was expecting a paper she wanted to read on
the train. She tucked what he handed her into her bag and then when she
heard the train coming she held on to Ted's arm, held it as if she could
not bear letting it go. "It's all right," were her last words to him,
smiling through tears.
* * * * *
She had been trying all along to hold her mind from the thought that
they would pass through Freeport. Late the next afternoon, when she knew
they were nearing it, she grew restless. It was then she remembered the
paper in her bag--she had been in no mood for reading, too charged with
her own feeling. She got it out now and found that with the paper was a
letter. It was a letter from Deane Franklin.
She held it for a little while without opening it. It seemed so strange
to have it just as she was nearing Freeport.
The letter was dated the week before. It read:
"_Dear Ruth:_
"I'm leaving Freeport tonight. I'm going to Europe--to volunteer my
services as a doctor. Parker, whom I knew well at Hopkins, is right in
the midst of it. He can work me in. And the need for doctors is going to
go on for some time, I fancy; it won't end with the war.
"I'm happy in this decision, Ruth, and I know you'll be glad for me. It
was your letter that got me--made me see myself and hate myself, made me
know that I had to 'come out of it.' And then this idea came to me, and
I wish I could tell you how different everything seemed as soon as I saw
some reason for my existence. I'm ashamed of myself for not having seen
it this way before. As if this were any time for a man who's had my
training to sit around moping!
"Life is bigger than just ourselves. And isn't it curious how seeing
that brings us back to ourselves?
"I'll enclose Parker's address. You can reach me in care of him. I want
to hear from you.
"I can hardly wait to get there!
"DEANE."
* * * * *
She managed to read the letter through with eyes only a little dimmed.
But by the time she got to Parker's address she could not make it out.
"I knew it!" she kept saying to herself triumphantly.
Deane had been too big not to save himself. Absorbed in thoughts of him
she did not notice the country through which they were passing. She was
startled by a jolt of the train, by the conductor saying, "Freeport!"
For several minutes the train waited there. She sat motionless through
that time, Deane Franklin's letter clasped tight in her hand. Freeport!
It claimed her:--what had been, what was behind her; those dead who
lived in her, her own past that lived in her. Freeport.... It laid
strong hold on her. She was held there in what had been. And then a
great thing happened. The train jolted again--moved. It was
moving--moving on. _She_ was moving--moving on. And she knew then beyond
the power of anyone's disapproval to break down that it was right she
move on. She had a feeling of the whole flow of her life--and it was
still moving--moving on. And because she felt she was moving on that
sense of failure slipped from her. In secret she had been fighting that
all along. Now she knew that love had not failed because love had
transpired into life. What she had paid the great price for was not hers
to the end. But what it had made of her was hers! Love could not fail if
it left one richer than it had found one. Love had not failed--nothing
had failed--and life was wonderful, limitless, a great adventure for
which one must have great courage, glad faith. Let come what would
come!--she was moving on.