The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now
officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour
that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in
harness.
***
It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture
ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that
gave them this happy thought.
***
The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not
place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in
the attempt.
***
"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in _The
Daily Mail_. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already
demanded an apology is unconfirmed.
***
Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the
introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of
addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most
efficacious.
***
With reference to the North of England man who has decided not
to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at
present.
***
ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen
years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this
from America.
***
Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The
impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it.
***
It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on
being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the
usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a
critical condition.
***
Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed
ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers
spend their week-ends?"
***
Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In
view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt
that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove
unsatisfactory.
***
"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average
writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the
Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries.
***
Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that
restaurant _habitués_ are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per
cent. reduction in tips.
***
Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High
Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it
themselves.
***
A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after
swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died
worth sixty-five pounds.
***
One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in
London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking
into people's houses like thieves in the night.
***
Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote
asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in
three days he will be sold to defray expenses.
***
Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can
afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have
any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on
the hat-rack.
***
At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck
in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering
three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand,
was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of
the Brighter Football League.
***
The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for
trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it.
***
A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by
hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East
End system of developing black eyes by back-answering.
***
A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky
when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by
an open window this weather.
***
A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago,
has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the
local police have been instructed to take action.
***
The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a
moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say
to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have
been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her
people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again
entered the carriage from which she had fallen.
***
Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to
travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege
of dying a natural death may be extended to them.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for
a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
ITINERANTS."]
* * * * *