To Miss Fermor, at Silleri.
London, July 19.
I got to town last night, my dear, and am at a friend's, from whence
I have this morning sent to Mrs. Rivers; I every moment expect her
answer; my anxiety of mind is not to be expressed; my heart sinks; I
almost dread the return of my messenger.
If the affections, my dear friend, give us the highest happiness of
which we are capable, they are also the source of our keenest misery;
what I feel at this instant, is not to be described: I have been near
resolving to go into the country without seeing or sending to Mrs.
Rivers. If she should receive me with coldness--why should I have
exposed myself to the chance of such a reception? It would have been
better to have waited for Rivers's arrival; I have been too
precipitate; my warmth of temper has misled me: what had I to do to
seek his family? I would give the world to retract my message, though
it was only to let her know I was arrived; that her son was well, and
that she might every hour expect him in England.
There is a rap at the door: I tremble I know not why; the servant
comes up, he announces Mr. and Mrs. Temple: my heart beats, they are at
the door.
One o'clock.
They are gone, and return for me in an hour; they insist on my
dining with them, and tell me Mrs. Rivers is impatient to see me.
Nothing was ever so polite, so delicate, so affectionate, as the
behaviour of both; they saw my confusion, and did every thing to
remove it: they enquired after Rivers, but without the least hint of
the dear interest I take in him: they spoke of the happiness of knowing
me: they asked my friendship, in a manner the most flattering that can
be imagined. How strongly does Mrs. Temple, my dear, resemble her
amiable brother! her eyes have the same sensibility, the same pleasing
expression; I think I scarce ever saw so charming a woman; I love her
already; I feel a tenderness for her, which is inconceivable; I caught
myself two or three times looking at her, with an attention for which I
blushed.
How dear to me is every friend of my Rivers!
I believe, there was something very foolish in my behaviour; but
they had the good-breeding and humanity not to seem to observe it.
I had almost forgot to tell you, they said every thing obliging and
affectionate of you and Captain Fermor.
My mind is in a state not to be described; I feel joy, I feel
anxiety, I feel doubt, I feel a timidity I cannot conquer, at the
thought of seeing Mrs. Rivers.