To Miss Rivers, Clarges Street.
Quebec, Sept. 30.
Would you believe it possible, my dear, that Sir George should
decline attending Emily Montague from Montreal, and leave the pleasing
commission to me? I am obliged to him for the three happiest days of my
life, yet am piqued at his chusing me for a _cecisbeo_ to his
mistress: he seems to think me a man _sans consequence_, with whom
a lady may safely be trusted; there is nothing very flattering in such
a kind of confidence: let him take care of himself, if he is
impertinent, and sets me at defiance; I am not vain, but set our
fortunes aside, and I dare enter the lists with Sir George Clayton. I
cannot give her a coach and six; but I can give her, what is more
conducive to happiness, a heart which knows how to value her
perfections.
I never had so pleasing a journey; we were three days coming down,
because we made it a continual party of pleasure, took music with us,
landed once or twice a day, visited the French families we knew, lay
both nights on shore, and danced at the seigneur's of the village.
This river, from Montreal to Quebec, exhibits a scene perhaps not to
be matched in the world: it is settled on both sides, though the
settlements are not so numerous on the south shore as on the other: the
lovely confusion of woods, mountains, meadows, corn fields, rivers (for
there are several on both sides, which lose themselves in the St.
Lawrence), intermixed with churches and houses breaking upon you at a
distance through the trees, form a variety of landscapes, to which it
is difficult to do justice.
This charming scene, with a clear serene sky, a gentle breeze in our
favor, and the conversation of half a dozen fine women, would have made
the voyage pleasing to the most insensible man on earth: my Emily too
of the party, and most politely attentive to the pleasure she saw I had
in making the voyage agreable to her.
I every day love her more; and, without considering the impropriety
of it, I cannot help giving way to an inclination, in which I find such
exquisite pleasure; I find a thousand charms in the least trifle I can
do to oblige her.
Don't reason with me on this subject: I know it is madness to
continue to see her; but I find a delight in her conversation, which I
cannot prevail on myself to give up till she is actually married.
I respect her engagements, and pretend to no more from her than her
friendship; but, as to myself, will love her in whatever manner I
please: to shew you my prudence, however, I intend to dance with the
handsomest unmarried Frenchwoman here on Thursday, and to shew her an
attention which shall destroy all suspicion of my tenderness for Emily.
I am jealous of Sir George, and hate him; but I dissemble it better
than I thought it possible for me to do.
My Lucy, I am not happy; my mind is in a state not to be described;
I am weak enough to encourage a hope for which there is not the least
foundation; I misconstrue her friendship for me every moment; and that
attention which is meerly gratitude for my apparent anxiety to oblige.
I even fancy her eyes understand mine, which I am afraid speak too
plainly the sentiments of my heart.