DEER SIR,--i am not a scollard and can't understand more'n 'alf your letter
if you don't lik my cow why not go back were you cum from i dunno what you
mean by consequences but if you lay 'ands on my cow i'll 'ave the lor of
you.
Yours obedient HENRY GIBBS.
I felt that I hadn't got off very well with Henry, and thought I would try
again, so wrote:--
DEAR MR. GIBBS,--Thank you so much for your too delightful letter. I am
afraid you somewhat misapprehended the purport of mine. I freely admit your
right to turn all manner of beasts into your demesne; equally do I concede
to them the right to play upon such instruments as Nature has handed out to
them; but I also claim the right to be allowed to carry on my work
undisturbed. The consequences would be to me, not to the cow, unless
laryngitis supervenes. I love cows, and I greatly admire this particular
cow, but not its moo; that is all.
Is it, do you suppose, uttering some Jeremiad or prophecy? Can it, for
example, be foretelling the doom of the middle classes? Or is it possible
that our noisy friend is uttering a protest against some injurious
treatment received from its master?
I have discovered that our daily supply of milk is supplied by your herd,
and on inquiry I find that our cook is not at all confident that a quart of
the same as delivered to us would satisfy the requirements of the Imperial
standard of measurement.
If the animal's fog-horn continues I shall take it as an indignant protest
against a slight that has been cast on its fertility, and shall seriously
think of calling in the Food-Inspector to examine you in the table of
liquid measure.
Delightful weather we have been experiencing, have we not?
Believe me as ever, dear Mr. Gibbs,
Yours most sincerely,
ARTHUR K. WILKINSON.
I do not know how much my correspondent understood of this letter, but, as
the moo-cow was shortly afterwards relegated to fresh pastures, and as we
are getting decidedly better measure for our milk money, I gather that he
had enough intelligence for my purposes.
The threat which I thus put at a venture may be recommended to anyone
suffering from the moo nuisance.
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[Illustration: USES OF A TUBE NUISANCE.]
* * * * *
"The serious loss to D'Annunzio recently of 300,000 lire, through the
disappearance of his cashier, has had a happy sequel. The airman-poet
has received a like amount from a rich Milanese lady. The donor remains
incognito."--_Evening Standard._
It was very clever of the lady to disguise herself as an unknown man.
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