As soon as we were established in Paris I began to look about for some
position whereby I could add to my funds and occupy my mind. I tried to
make myself feel that it was joy to be near Juno and see that she was
safe.
The position which was open for me was in connection with a religious
organization about which I could write an eye-opener of an article, but
that for another time. A young Scotch girl was giving up the work to be
married. She stayed on for a few weeks to show me the methods. We were
constantly together through the day and were naturally interested in
each other. Scotty, as we will call her, confided in me about her coming
marriage. She had become engaged in pique, because the man whom she
really loved had not proposed to her, though she felt sure he loved her.
I felt sorry for her, as she was going into a state where there was
little chance of happiness. After talking things over freely with me she
decided that it would be fairer to the young man if she broke with him
then than after the marriage, so break it off she did. She had become
very fond of me, but while she was a dear girl I knew that I could not
care for her as she seemed to care for me. Still, I was glad in a way to
have someone for an interested and I will say interesting friend when
Juno should be married, as she expected to be the next summer.
Of course Juno and I roomed together, but we had two beds and there was
never any approach to sexual relations.
I sensed that things were not going quite to Juno’s mind in her love
affairs, but she never confided any of her worries to me. In the
meantime, Scotty was with me more and more and we had little excursions
together. I felt that Juno was absorbed with Jack and was quite out of
any reckoning with my doings. Christmas came and went, and then Juno did
express chagrin at not receiving a gift of some sort from Jack, as she
had taken great care that he should receive her token of affection on
time. She waited until she was convinced that he had ignored her at
Christmas, and then calmly announced to me that she had broken off her
engagement and wanted my love back again.
I told Juno that Scotty had decided not to marry and that, as she had
taken up other work in Paris, she and I had decided to live together
after Juno was married. I simply would not give her up and did not. My
faith in Juno was gone, though in spite of that fact there was no one
who could ever take her place in my heart. Juno was very unhappy and
suffered with jealousy and all the agony which that state of mind calls
forth.
Scotty had invited me to go to her home in Scotland with her for our
summer vacation and I had planned to do so, as I did not care to be in
Paris when Jack should arrive. When we found that there was to be no
wedding, Scotty invited Juno to go to Scotland with us, and she expected
to do so. She thought to get even with me in gaining a friend. There was
a little Irish girl who came often to the rest rooms where I was engaged
and of whom I had often spoken as being one of my pets. Juno was
attracted by her and set about to win her love.
We had about us at that time quite a colony of English, Scotch, and
Irish girls who were in Paris earning their living, as it was considered
quite a disgrace for them to go into any sort of work at home. “It
wasn’t done.” Oh! the chapter or the book I could write of the
experiences of these carefully brought up girls in Gay Paree which they
confided to me! But that is another story.
It seemed strange to see Juno in the role of the wooer, but she
succeeded in capturing “Irish,” as we will call the young girl who fell
for her charms. Had that been a friendship such as was that between
Scotty and me, I would not have been affected by it, but I was soon
convinced that they were indulging in the closer type of intimacy and I
in turn was very unhappy.
All of this seems ridiculous and weak to me now, but as I am trying to
give a true description of our sexual love, it has to be gone over.
When at its best, as was ours for so many years, I still believe the
love between two women to be the highest type now known. At the same
time, I believe that it may lead to the most intense suffering known to
woman.
As we were about to go to Scotland, Juno announced that she preferred
staying in Paris until Irish had her vacation and went home (where, by
the way, Juno was not invited to visit). Then Juno would join me
somewhere in England, on a promised visit with some old New York friends
who were living outside of London.
I met Juno at the appointed time in Dieppe. While we enjoyed in a way
some of the attractions of that place, the time ended in a violent
quarrel and we decided to part company, she going back to Paris and I to
our friends in London, to wait until Scotty should join me for our
return to Paris.
I had a wonderful visit with Scotty at her delightful home, and as her
father and two brothers each had cars, we toured much of that glorious
country. We were feted by all their friends and relations, and played
golf every day. It was my first experience with that game, but as I had
always been so fond of any outdoor sports, I took to golf naturally and
loved it.
I knew that Scotty was still in love with the one who was so slow in
proposing. I talked with her a great deal on the subject and showed her
the fallacy of the awful reserve she had been taught to hold for men.
When it was time for me to go to meet Juno, Scotty went to visit the
sister of the man, and when she wrote that they were engaged I felt that
my friendship with her had not been in vain. She was to go back to Paris
for another year, however.
I made my visit to my friends, who were rather of the type of the artist
who was with Phil during my first months, and I was not very happy. I
was glad for the time to come for me to meet Scotty and go back to
Paris, where I had determined not even to see Juno.
Scotty and I had our apartment together, and Juno and Irish were
together. There were constant appeals for me to let Juno come to see me,
but I positively refused. At last Irish came and begged me to go to
Juno, as she was really very ill about my being away. Again my mother
heart got the better of me and I went.
Because of her entreaties together with those of Irish, who said she
could never fill my place, and because Scotty also urged me to go back
to her, I did consent to take an apartment again with Juno. But why go
into the agony of the days which followed? I knew that Juno was
deceiving me in her relations with Irish and I was again thrown into the
agonies of jealousy. I had no wish to resume any physical relations with
Juno myself, but I could not bear the thought that some other woman was
taking that sacred place.
Realizing the futility of trying to patch up the severed love, I finally
decided again to put the ocean between us and to come home to our little
love cottage, which was vacant at this time. Juno left everything as to
our house to me, as she said she would never go back there to live.
When I arrived in New York there were many friends to see and, among
others, were Flo and the Professor, who were established in Brooklyn.
Our meeting was very formal and circumspect. I was in no mood for
anything verging on the sentimental. Flo was in a great dilemma about
her father, who had lost his eyesight and was in a hospital in New York,
as there was no member of their family who could look after him. He had
been a very brilliant lawyer, but his mind was becoming somewhat cloudy,
though he was still in good physical condition. It was suggested that he
should come to live with me in the country. I had nothing in view in a
business way, so I agreed to take him, with a man servant who would
valet him.
The home coming was very sad, and I was glad to find a lot of work to do
to get the house in order.
Before I had left home for Europe, one of my young girl friends who had
the same first name as I was a frequent visitor at our house. She had
singled me out as the object of her adoration. She spent hours with me
while Jack and Juno were away driving and walking, as I was suffering
deeply and she was very sympathetic and dear. She played and sang very
sweetly, which soothed me. Her little head (she was twenty years old)
was puzzling about all sorts of things which she dared not ask her
mother. She told me astonishing things which were going on in that
little town, but she had steered clear of them all, so she said. She
told me of all sorts of things which would stir her deeply and made her
want something, she did not know what. She was considered very delicate,
and at first I wondered whether she knew more than she told, but I was
convinced that she was really innocent.
There was a case where so many would say in a sneering way, “she needs a
man to straighten her out,” doing nothing to relieve her. Doctors know
this, but they dare not tell parents, lest they lose their jobs.
When I left for Europe this child was heartbroken. She wrote me a dear
little love letter to read each day of the voyage. I never forgot that
kindness, for it helped me a lot. She was equally glad when I returned
and had the house opened for me and flowers everywhere, though it was
early spring.
I had a dear welcome from all our old friends, and they all tried to
help me forget Juno.
Juno and I wrote to each other, but the letters were about ordinary
things of mutual interest—nothing verging on love. I saw Jack
occasionally and he seemed a very sad and subdued young man. Although
the Father—the principal of the school—knew of this man’s propensities
with boys, he was still retained in the school. The head master,
however, had been dismissed, as there was an open scandal in connection
with the friend who had persuaded us to go to that town to live.
Our home was restored to its former attractiveness and the old gentleman
arrived with the fine colored man whom I had engaged before I left New
York. I was able to make him very comfortable and happy. Flo and the
Professor and the baby boy took a furnished house near me for the
summer, and while there were various efforts on the part of the
Professor to resume relationships, I squelched them at once, as I felt
that there were certain parts of me which had died and I had no thought
of them.
One thing happened that summer which may be of interest in connection
with the subject of which I am writing.
It will be remembered that in the finishing school in New York there was
one girl who interested us deeply, the one who was “disgraced in life”
when her room-mate gave a smoker. We had always kept up the friendship
through letters, though we had not seen her since she left school. She
knew that I had returned from Europe alone, for which she was very
sorry, as she had always thought ours to be an ideal friendship. She was
in the East visiting and wanted to come to make me a visit. Of course I
was delighted to have her come.
I met her at the station and found her the same enthusiastic, lovable
girl as of old, yet there seemed to be something different in her face.
Possibly she had experienced some sorrow or possibly it was caused by
the added years.
When we got to her rooms she put her arms about me and gave me a very
long and passionate kiss. I was astonished. She then burst forth with an
emotional expression of the love she had always had for me, which she
had never dared to confess on account of the friendship between Juno and
me. She knew now that I would be horrified to know that hers was more
than an ordinary love and would probably send her home. She tried in an
embarrassing way to describe the passion she felt for me. I just let her
go on and on. I really could not have got a word in edgewise if I had
tried. She told me of affairs she had had in the school, where such
things were the rule of the day and were called “crushes,” as they
always have been and are today. She told me of the efforts she had made
to reach the heights that some of the girls had described, but she knew
she must be different from other girls and she felt that it might be
because she did not really love them.
I thought in pity of her dilemma and struggle, seeing so well my own
experience duplicated. She begged to sleep with me, but it was a talk
fest rather than sleep.
I tried to tell her that my love for her was not a physical thing and
that I had no desire to have her touch me. She felt, however, that she
could never be happy again without me and was making her plans to go
home and then to return and live with me. She was bright and
entertaining and would have been a wonderfully cheerful little pal, but
the sex part did not appeal to me.
Her mother died very soon after she got home, and the poor child was
broken-hearted. She was obliged to remain and care for the family and
carry on in her mother’s place. Thus ended that episode. We wrote
occasionally, but in time we drifted so far apart in our interests that
we have not written since. I judged that she was to be married and I
hope lived happily ever after.
Towards the close of the summer, the old gentleman gently failed and
soon went peacefully to his last sleep.