Juno and I always felt out of place among the people who were
“different,” we felt so secure in our love for each other and so out of
their class; yet we kept in touch with them in a degree ever curious.
While we were with Phil one day there came to see her a youth about
twenty years old—handsome with a wonderful complexion, well-groomed,
clever in music and an actor of sorts, though not a star. I noticed that
Phil was watching Juno and me very quizzically, apparently for some
reaction on our part. He sang and played for us and was very charming.
After he had gone, Phil asked us how we liked him. We said we found him
very attractive and talented. Upon further questioning we acknowledged
that we had seen nothing strange about him.
She smiled and then proceeded to enlighten us on another phase of the
great problem of sex. She said he was the perfect type of invert. She
went on to explain the meaning of this term which we did not know. We
were aghast! While we had been astonished to learn that there were other
women who cared for each other, the surprise was even greater to
discover that there existed a like propensity in men.
It seemed no less than a crime that we, grown women, should not have
known these things. Other women, mothers of boys, there must have been
thousands, did not know of conditions like that, we had all been “so
carefully brought up!” Imagine sending our young boys to the great
cities so ignorant of the menace of the male solicitor on the streets,
even though they may have been warned about the women who might approach
them!
Just at that time it was considered very smart to go slumming in New
York. Of course we wanted to see everything and do as the rest of the
people were doing, so we went slumming too.
With two men friends who knew the ropes, and one other woman we put in
one night of frightful experiences. We knew many of our married and
unmarried friends who were anxious to go again and again, but that one
night was all we ever wanted of slumming. The ugliness of the displays
we saw as we hurried from one horrid but famous resort to another in and
about the Bowery has no place here; for many years I have tried to
forget the sights I saw that night, so that I dislike even to try to
recall them. However, as a matter of education I am glad I went that one
time. In the study of types, it was a good school. Seeing hundreds of
male inverts, for instance, gathered together in a group made it easy to
recognize them on any occasion where we might meet or see them, and so
avoid any contact.
Juno and I had had enough of that class of humans. For many years we
kept to ourselves and let them all drift out of our lives. We had had
our education along those lines and that was what we were after. Phil
did come into my life many years later, as I shall relate in time.
Our lives were on a much higher plane than those of the real inverts.
While we did indulge in our sexual intercourse, that was never the
thought uppermost in our minds. That was but an outlet for emotions
which too long had been pent up in both our lives for the good of our
health. We found ourselves far more fit for good work after having been
thus relieved. But we had seen evidences of overindulgence on the part
of some of those with whom we came in contact, in loss of vitality and
weakened health, ending in consumption.
The “finishing school” where Juno was engaged had to be closed some time
later on account of the physical breakdown of the owner, and Juno took
up secretarial work with a philanthropist. A year later I too accepted a
position with the same lady, taking charge of another branch of the
great work she was doing for the benefit of mankind.
Side by side we worked for over five years, having our own little
apartment always near to our place of business. Our employer had three
summer residences, and we were obliged to go to nearby boarding places
during the summer. At one of these family boarding houses we met a very
interesting young woman a little younger than we, and we three became
very good friends. This girl, whom we will call Mollie, showed a marked
preference for Juno, which rather amused us; but there seemed no danger,
as Juno was very frank about it. However, as Juno and I talked it over
we thought out of consideration for Mollie, who might become too fond of
Juno, it would be better to drop the intimacy quietly when we took our
departure for the city at the close of the season, and so we did.
One day ... Yes, there came a day ... I am telling it all ... several
months later, Juno had some business for our lady philanthropist (whom I
will refer to as L. P. hereafter) which took her to the town where
Mollie lived. No mention was made of Mollie, as Juno was not to go
anywhere near the little hotel. It never entered my mind that she might
think of doing so. She did not go that morning to the office which was
in the home of L. P., but went directly to the train with the hour all
arranged on which she would return.
Imagine my terror when I found in my desk that morning a note from Juno
telling me she had betrayed my confidence and had probably forfeited my
love because she had been seeing Mollie all winter now and then, had
kept up a correspondence with her, and was to be with her a part of that
day. She said she would return to the city on the train agreed on; if I
felt that I could forgive her, I was to meet her, but if I were not
there she would know that I was not able to do so and she would go out
of my life. She vowed that she loved me as she never could anyone else
in the world and regretted deeply that she had so deceived me.
I was nearly out of my mind. I could not stay in the office. I told L.
P. that I had received some very bad news and asked for a leave for the
day, which she gladly granted. After leaving plenty of work for my
stenographer to do, I left. Where I went I never could remember. I
walked and walked and when I was so tired I could walk no more, I took a
hansom and drove and drove, much to the consternation, yet at the same
time benefit, of the man on the box.
I made many efforts to reach Juno by telephone but to no avail. Finally,
after what seemed to me a thousand years, I bought a big bunch of
violets and went to the station, hours before the train was due, and
there I waited and waited. At last she came, looking very pale and
worried. I took her in my arms and we went home happy.
A strange thing is love!
I had suffered the tortures of hell from my first attack of jealousy, a
sensation until then unknown to me. But alas! it was not to be my last!
I realized later that at that time I should have ended our lives
together. But I was not strong enough to do it.
I thought there could be no greater suffering than I had endured that
day, so I took her back to my heart, thinking that time would heal that
deep hurt. Again she promised positively that she would have nothing
more to do with Mollie, and I believed her.
When summer came again, there seemed to be no other way than to plan to
go back to the same family hotel where Mollie lived with her family. I
rather questioned the advisability of this, but Juno accused me of still
being jealous and not trusting her. She vowed that she never could be
jealous of me, no matter what happened, and so we went there.
It was fortunate in a way that we did so. I saw how things were going
and was very unhappy and sad. I said but little, and again I was told
that she could not understand my being jealous and that hers was the
greater love because she could not feel the way I did under the same
circumstances.
All these details of the reactions of our love may seem irrelevant, but
it is my wish here to show the great and beautiful aspects of a love
such as ours, and then to show the other side, the depths to which it
was leading. I am trying to show that in all attachments of the heart
and body there are two distinct sides and that there must be a
distinction between Lust and Love.
As long as Love, embracing companionship, sympathy, compatibility, and
understanding, is the greater urge in the union, all is well and to me
the ideal, but when Lust has the greater hold there is bound to be a
shipwreck.
After Juno had made the assertion that she could not be jealous, I
(cat-like) descended to the lower plane and decided to give her some of
her own medicine. I deliberately went to work to win Mollie’s love, and
I did win it. I was quite a past master in the art, though the boast is
unworthy. Mollie was a hungry child starving for emotional relief
(which, by the way, I never gave her), and I knew it. Poor Juno! She
almost went out of her mind and begged for mercy as she acknowledged
that she was being torn with the most dreaded of all diseases, jealousy.
This was all pretty hard on poor Mollie, as she was madly in love with
me at this time. But I wanted, selfishly, to give a dose large enough to
let Juno see how she had made me suffer.
About this time a rich relative had given Juno an annuity, so it was not
necessary for her to keep on with her work. She would not give it up,
however, unless I would do so too. I did not feel that I could give up a
good position which would last me as long as I liked, for by so doing I
would not be able to keep up my share of the expenses. So we went on for
a while and I kept up my friendship with Mollie, not seeing her very
often, however.
I have wondered since if Juno’s suffering may not have been because of
Mollie’s transferring her affections to me rather than because of my
seeming interest in her. Be that as it may, Juno was very anxious to get
away from the city and at last I consented to give up my work and go
with her somewhere. I had saved quite a good little nest egg in case of
emergency, and as Juno’s allowance was sufficiently large enough for us
to live on if we went to the country, we did so. Juno promised that she
would always share with me her income, which would probably increase
with the death of her relative. She asked me to give up my friendship
with Mollie. Unfair to the girl as it was, I did so.
Our employer was aghast when we told her that we had decided to give up
our work. We gave her a month’s time in which to fill our positions. She
was so angry to find that we would not reconsider our decision to leave
her that I regret to say that she rather fell from the pedestal upon
which we had always placed her. In that month she gave us about six
months’ work, and we were physically unable to accomplish all that she
required. The parting was a great relief at the end.
My mother had passed away, and I had no longer any financial
responsibilities for family. So being assured that Juno would be able to
supply my needs if any should occur, we went to the country.
A young married couple, friends of ours in New York, had gone to a
little village in Connecticut near the Berkshires and urged us to come
there, which we did. We soon found a place about two miles out of town
on a hill from which we got a most beautiful view. There we made our
home. The farmhouse was old-fashioned and spacious. With our artistic
furnishings we made it very attractive.
We took with us a girl from the home for “fallen girls” of which I have
spoken. She brought her baby with her. This girl was as pretty as a
picture, with curly reddish hair, clear skin and ever a smile on her
lips. She loved her baby with a mad passion, as she also loved her work.
She was very happy with us and so glad to be free from the restrictions
of the home. I don’t think I ever saw so sexual a nature. A man
appearing on the place roused her to the depths, but she never gave way
to any impulse while with us. She fought a good fight.
Juno and I took most of the care of the baby and loved it. We took up
our life on the farm with joy and enthusiasm and felt we were really
re-united. Mollie was entirely out of our lives. Our home was the center
of some importance, socially. We found some very congenial friends.
Bridge was in its infancy, and we played nearly every day between tea at
four o’clock and dinner at seven.
We determined that we would live our lives in the way which best suited
us, and others could accept or not, as suited them. We always had wine
with our dinner and a cocktail before dinner if we were so inclined. We
both smoked openly, and our young friends were worried for fear the
“natives” would be shocked beyond belief.
We went to church with these friends, who were ardent worshipers. Make a
note of this, as later it may cause a smile.
The next step was to invite the clergyman and his wife to dine. The
dinner was rather formal. Lizzie was an excellent cook and a perfect
waitress and nothing pleased her more than to have company. Wine was
served as usual and apparently enjoyed by both of our guests, but
especially so by the clergyman. He was an Episcopalian, rather inclined
to “High Church.”
When coffee was served in the parlor, cigarettes were also on hand and
cigars for the Domine, which he enjoyed. As the lady politely declined
the cigarettes, we asked her to excuse our smoking as it had long been
our custom to do so. That was long, long ago, when few women smoked. She
was very gracious in her acceptance of our habit and all went very
easily and naturally.
The invitation was shortly forthcoming in return of this occasion, and
we were “accepted.” We were asked to join all the activities of the
church, which did not appeal to us especially; but we were playing the
game, so we were launched, much to the surprise of our young friends who
were so afraid that the town would not stand for the smoking.
It was my way to lay the cards right on the table. If there were any who
objected, that was their privilege. I had the greatest contempt for
women who would smoke on the sly but publicly vow they never did such a
thing, and I knew lots of them.
Of course, the world was not then able to hear the truth about Juno’s
and my love for each other. About that we made no attempt to enlighten
them. We were just dear friends. There were two other “dear friends” who
came from the city for the summers and lived quite near us. We knew, and
they knew, but even so we never discussed. They were of the higher type,
as I felt we were.
Often someone would say, “You seem more like a man than a woman,” and I
have always explained that I was brought up with a lot of boys and that
their ways had made an unerasable stamp upon my character. That
explanation seemed to satisfy them.
We were very happy once more in our united lives and love. I often
yielded to the impulse to turn again to my brushes. I did a number of
little sketches which I hope may now be giving someone a little
pleasure. I have forgotten them all, as I did the “Corot” I did for
Juno’s brother.
I had a natural love for the soil and did the farming with the same
enthusiasm. We had a fifteen year old boy to do chores, as we had a
horse and a cow. Also two pigs.
Juno took charge of things in the house, a task which never appealed to
me in the least, while I was out of doors nearly all day until about
four o’clock, when we had our games of bridge and tea. I had a wonderful
garden, both of flowers and vegetables. There was also a shop where I
had a complete set of cabinet tools and a bench to match. I loved doing
things with my hands and was quite expert in handling carpenter’s tools.
I made little odd pieces of furniture, tables, shelves and the like, and
did much repairing about the house and barn. My tools were of the best
and I took great pride in keeping them with a razor edge.