One family who had been guests at the summer home of my husband’s family
lived in New York. They were all fond of me and I liked them well. A
young daughter, who was one of my admirers but for whom I had none other
than a friendly feeling, was at this time in very poor health. Her
family were much worried and, in their perplexity, they talked with me
about her. She had no appetite and was growing thin.
One time I was asked to stay for the night, as they were to have some
kind of a party that evening. I did so and occupied a room with the
daughter.
Much to my surprise she began to make love to me violently, a thing that
was never even hinted at before. I have spoken of my attitude towards
one who assumed the role of the “wooer” and I felt a great repulsion
towards this attack.
In her excitement she went into ecstasies about the sensations she was
able to experience by herself. This was something new to me, so I became
an interested listener, as I thought I might perhaps find out something
about her indisposition, which was so worrying her parents. Soon she had
confided in me completely. I was worried and said all I could to
dissuade her from going on with the practices to which she had confessed
as her health would entirely give way, and tried to make her see that
she was worrying her parents nearly to death. She was an only child and
had been “Oh! so carefully brought up.” Of course this was a subject
they never could with propriety discuss with a child!
After my visit ended, I decided to see the doctor of that family, and
have a frank talk with him. He was a very old friend of the family and I
had met him socially at their home.
I went to him and told him what I had discovered and begged to try to
stop it, thinking of course he would be only too thankful to me for
discovering the trouble which had seemed to baffle even him in his
conduct of the case.
Much to my amazement he arose in mighty indignation that I should even
suggest such a thing. He was furthermore insulting in his insinuations,
that I was either inventing the occurrence or that I was responsible for
the enlightenment of the girl. He ordered me out of his office, and said
he would go to the parents and thus stop any further danger for the
girl. What he said to them I never knew, but I was informed by those
good people that it was their desire, for reasons which they chose to
keep to themselves, that my friendship with their daughter should cease.
My school had grown to such proportions that I had now taken a large
studio apartment on Washington Square.
This girl came to me one day in despair, and told me that she had been
forbidden my friendship. She was in a state of rebellion, as she had no
idea of what was back of it all. She said it was so unfair that she
would not obey them, and she would come to me, as she was so fond of me
she could not give our friendship up.
I calmed her down, and of course did not reveal the reason for this act
on the part of her parents. I talked long and seriously with her, and
finally got her to see that she was wrong in so indulging herself. She
made me a promise that she would try her best to overcome the habit. I
had known that masturbation was a habit indulged in by boys, but this
was my first knowledge that it was and is a very common habit with girls
as well. I was determined that she should not come to see me, and she
obeyed my command. Years afterwards I ran across her in New York,
happily married, but with no children. No reference was made to our
former experience. Our meeting was quite natural, and we enjoyed a
friendly visit.
I understood better the attitude of that doctor, while at the time I was
so furious I could hardly contain myself. I have discovered for myself,
and doctors have told me, that no parent will ever believe that their
own precious offspring would or could ever indulge in any unnatural
practices. Of others they could readily believe it but not of theirs!
Doctors have also told me that they would be promptly dismissed if they
were to attempt to disclose to parents the real trouble with their
child.
No children will ever acknowledge that they are doing such a thing,
either to their parents or to anyone else, unless they are caught in the
act.
* * * * *
One thing I am trying to show is the pity of planting in the mind of the
small child the deadly poison of fear and what it leads to.
A young girl will never dare to tell her parents the truth about herself
for fear of punishment. She will not dare to tell a doctor the truth, as
she would be ashamed to. If she should dare tell the doctor, he in turn
would not dare tell the parents, for fear of offending and thereby
losing his patients.
Doctors grope about in the dark many times to find causes. They may have
theories, but unless they get the information straight from the only one
who knows, how are they to do other than resort to the fatal sentence,
as an example, of “She must never again try to have another child”?
No one but the woman who really wants to have children, as I did, knows
the heartbreak those words cause. At the time it was told me, I had to
believe it.
If only it may be possible for parents to look at the most vital problem
in life in a sane manner, and go fully into questions of sex with their
children with no feeling of shame, and obtain real co-operation from
scientific minds by placing all the cards on the table, great good would
be accomplished.
Older people will have to relegate to the trash heap such fallacies as,
“My daughter tells me everything” or “I know my child has no idea
regarding questions of sex.”
Just believe that they do know more than one realizes, and also know
just how they have found out these things, and at what cost. From the
minute when the average mother slaps a baby hand and says, “No! no!
don’t put your hands there, naughty! naughty!” that baby is wondering
why its hands are slapped and soon, on the sly, he is going to see what
will happen if he goes on doing the same thing, if he is not discovered.
There is some good reason why a baby’s hand goes to its little sensitive
private parts. That baby is not doing it at first because it is naughty,
as he is told so early. If mothers would only do the reasonable thing
and, without punishing, investigate the cause of some little irritation
which might come from not properly washing those parts or from wrapping
them up too closely with all the clothes deemed necessary, and then take
the necessary steps to correct the conditions, they would probably find
no further immediate cause for the youngster to endeavor to alleviate
the uncomfortable sensation himself.
All sorts of wonderful instruction is being given to young mothers, as
to the best methods of feeding and the general care of children. This
also is necessary. But I have yet to learn of training as to how to
overcome the tendency of a child to handle its genital organs, except by
punishment of some kind.
These ideas, based as they are upon my own personal experiences, have
given me such an understanding of many of these problems that I cannot
but pass them on to the public.