The knowledge I had gained of life in the awful ways which I have
described made me detest anything tending towards the sexual in men or
boys. As playmates and companions I have always preferred them. To
“play” with girls seemed in a way very futile and almost degrading. To
be called a “Tom Boy” never grieved me; in fact, I think I was rather
proud of the epithet than otherwise.
Now came the age when it was wiser for us to go to the village to attend
the higher schools.
At this time came my first impression of a girl as a desirable friend.
“We boys” had discussed certain girls whom we had met at Sunday School
and who used to come occasionally to our homes with their parents to
visit. One of these girls was a conspicuous choice among us all. I was
obliged to join groups of girls rather than boys at the larger schools
as it was not the custom for any one girl to play with the boys and I
did not want to be conspicuous in that regard. The girls were mostly
occupied in talking about the boys, having sweethearts, and so forth.
Never in my life did I tell any one of the knowledge I had gained, but
many of these girls had information galore on subjects which I so
despised.
I hadn’t a sweetheart, nor did I think I ever would want one. I found I
was very much attracted by this one girl, who was also very popular with
all the boys, including my older cousin. I was timid in my approach in
trying to win her attention and interest. I would give her little
trifles of fruit or candy, and felt that I was experiencing toward her
the feeling that was termed love.
I did not get very far in my demonstrations of affection. When I wanted
her to kiss me good night, she made fun of me and said it was silly for
girls to kiss. Still I was strangely stirred by her. I wanted to kiss
her. I wanted to touch her hand, to write little notes to her, but
finally her ridicule ended all outward demonstration and I had to give
it up. A real “boy’s puppy love.” Her charm for me lasted for years,
though we were separated most of the time.
After I had finished my university course and was in Boston for a time,
teaching in a very select girls’ day school on Beacon Hill, this same
girl was studying music with the friend whose music had so attracted me
at my home when I was very young. Fate had thrown my first love in the
old school days into my life again, for we lived together. Her music was
an added charm, but still she would not accept any of my demonstrations
of love.
This recalls an incident which will show that youth has ever been on the
alert for things forbidden in matters of sex.
It was one of my duties to take a group of girls (girls whose names have
often appeared in the select society columns of the press of exclusive
Boston and who belonged to the “First Families”) for a walk around
Louisburg Square. I noticed that they always wanted to pass one house
very frequently, and would beg to go back and forth in front of this
house. There seemed to be a great but secret interest in that one spot.
I questioned one of the maiden dames who owned the school about this,
and she was horrified. She told me that the house was one of the most
notorious houses of assignation in the city.
Without further comment here I will now go back to the grammar school
days.
I was always at the head of my classes, as it was very easy for me to
learn and master the tasks before me. I was popular with both pupils and
teachers. I soon organized a girls’ baseball club, and was captain of
the team. Such a thing was unheard-of before in the annals of the
school. It was always thought as unladylike to play ball. Much more
ladylike to sit and talk about things which to my mind were vulgar and
degrading, thought I. We had a real “nine” and we often won in the
matches with the boys.
Even now, when I am approaching the age of seventy, I sit and listen to
the broadcasting of baseball games with the same enthusiasm, and play
with them as hard as I did many years ago.
Both of my older sisters married when I was quite young. As the youngest
child of the family I was always a pet of the suitors both before and
after they were married. I was showered with gifts of candy and toys by
the one who came from the city and was very rich and by the other who
lived in the village. The latter would take me for long walks and
drives, when my sister was occupied.
When I was about twelve I made my first visit to my sister, who lived in
Boston in the winter and at the seashore in the summer.
My sister’s husband, besides being a very successful business man, was a
talented musician, as was his sister. He played the violin and sang,
while she made a specialty of the piano. When she made visits to our
home, long before my sister was married (as the families were old
friends), I would sit by the hour near the piano to listen to her music.
I was so small that my feet would not touch the floor from the chair in
which I sat. Chopin was my favorite composer, though I did not know his
name. I would indicate by humming some little melody which selection I
wanted her to play. I believe this was considered quite remarkable at my
age. I even delighted in her playing of the scales, they were so
wonderfully well executed.
My sister’s home in the city and at the shore was always a popular
musical and literary center. My joy was very great during that first
visit. Swimming and rowing were my great delight, and my girl friend at
the time, who was a younger sister of one of my sister’s friends, owned
a lovely boat, anchored at a private pier almost in front of my sister’s
house. She was a gentle, quiet girl and I assumed the role of the male
in my care and consideration of her. I could row the best and without
tiring, and it all seemed very natural for us both. I began to feel for
her the same as I did for the girl at school already mentioned, but this
one reciprocated my affection. We were constantly together during the
days. No one seemed to think anything strange of this absorbing
friendship, but rather expected to see us always together. I liked to
kiss her and she always returned my kisses very willingly. When we were
seeing the other part way home after our day together we had the
proverbial long farewells. The only sensation I felt was a great thrill
right at the end of my breast bone. I could feel my heart beating
faster, but there was no desire for anything more than that sweet
response to my love.
We spent many nights together, always in loving embrace, repeating all
the little love sayings, and sleeping in each other’s arms, perfectly
happy. In fact, the sensation was to me so perfect that I never dreamed
there could be any greater happiness involved in physical contact.
One day, when I was preparing for my usual swim, I noticed with dismay
indications that things were occurring which the undesirable girl had
told me of. But I also remembered what she had told me about putting my
feet in cold water, so I went ahead and had my swim. The cold water did
not seem to function and I was in a dilemma as to how I should conceal
things from my sister, to whom I had never even broached such subjects.
I felt that I would be disgraced for life if anyone knew that the awful
blight was upon me. The cold bath did function to bring on severe pains
and, before morning, I was obliged to let my sister know what was the
matter. She surprised me with a great scolding, and told me how naughty
it was for me to go into the water at such a time, and said I was never
to do it again. She probably did something for the pain I was having,
but the unfair scolding took hold of my thoughts. Why couldn’t she have
been reasonable and have explained things to me? Of course I did not
tell her about my only source of information on the subject, nor, alas!
could I tell her that my mother told me all about things, because she
had not done so.
How I writhed in pain, and more so in rebellion, at being doomed to bear
that degrading weakness all of my life! From that time on I always
suffered intensely at every period.
After that wonderful summer with my sister and the sweet girl with whom
I was, as I thought, deeply in love, new plans were made for me for the
opening term of school.
I realized later that, as I had now reached maturity, it was felt that
there might be times when it would not be wise for me to take the long
walks to and from school. Arrangements were made for me to board through
the week with a very dear friend of my mother’s, going home on Friday
nights and returning Monday morning.
I was now absorbed in the frequent letters from my sweet girl friend,
and so gave up further advances towards the one at home, though I always
had a very tender feeling for her.
In the winter there was skating, which I loved, and dancing, which was
new for me—that is, the round dances which were just beginning to be
popular.
There was a dancing school in the village that winter and all of my
mates attended. The lady with whom I was boarding wanted me to go, as
her son, about my age, was going. For some unknown reason, however, my
mother would not consent to my attending, so that ended the matter, much
to my sorrow.
Nevertheless, with very little help from the girls during the recess
hours at school, I was able to dance as well as any of them, and I could
lead much better. It came more natural for me to take that part, so a
new joy was added to my life. The combination of the music, such as it
was, and the rhythm of the dance went right to my heart and oh! how I
always loved to dance.
Even now, although my feet have long since ceased to function on the
dance floor, I never hear a lovely waltz that I do not live over again
many of the thrills I experienced so long ago, when I was with the right
partner. I was simply on air when dancing.
The obdurate girl relaxed somewhat when we danced together, as she
considered me the best partner among the girls. Yet the lovemaking was
never pressed beyond holding her rather closely and squeezing her hand.
I was now getting a real joy out of life. The contact with the boy
cousins and my brother, being broken by my staying in the village, was
never resumed and I could now easily evade the awful Mr. W. on my short
weekly visits home.
My next summer was spent with my sister at the shore, much to my
delight. My “summer girl” was as near and dear to me as ever, and
equally glad to have me back again. And a new thrill was to be added to
my life this summer. I had never been to a real society ball. The dances
in our little village were never honored by the word “ball.” There was
approaching the great Charity Ball at the shore, the leading social
event of the summer. When my going was discussed, I was put through a
test as to my ability to dance. It was found that I was not quite up to
the latest society waltz and polka, so my brother-in-law, who was a
perfect dancer, took me in hand and in a short time I was pronounced
“foot perfect.” My sister had a lovely little gown made for me and, with
costume complete and feet “rarin’ to go,” what could have been more
perfect! The only fly in the ointment was that I could not dance with my
sweet girl! That real music and the wonderful dancers I had for partners
I shall never forget.
It was the first real party for my girl also, consequently we had enough
to fill our time and minds. So we were happy and content with the little
chats and comparisons of mental notes of our several partners, with
occasional sly words of love which we felt for each other. I know I
danced well. I never sat through a dance, and had to refuse many, as my
card was over-full all the time. I was full of life and enthusiasm, good
color, probably was considered not unattractive looking, although I had
too many brothers and sisters to think much of my own looks at that
time, as one rarely gets compliments from one’s kin. The “sweet
nothings” poured into my ears during the dances were in reality “sweet
nothings” to me, and did not appeal to me at all.
A man, as a male, had no attraction for me, even in dancing. The only
impression he left with me and the only thrill I got was from the way he
danced. If our steps matched, I seemed to be in a rhythmic heaven, and
when it was over, all the squeezings and cooings passed away in the
mist.
My brother-in-law was by far the best dancer on the floor. I not only
felt this but it was the general verdict as well. He danced often with
me, as my sister was not very fond of dancing and was glad to have him
with me. He seemed to think I had been a very apt pupil and was proud of
his success, and said the usual silly things, which I laughed off,
though there will be a revelation on this score further along in my
story.