When John Stover, President of the Kennedy House, arrived at the
opening of the new scholastic year, he arrived magnificently in a
special buggy, his changed personal appearance spreading wonder and
incredulity before him. He was stylishly encased in a suit of tan
whipcord, with creases down his trousers front that cut the air like
the prow of a ship. On his head, rakishly set, was a Panama hat, over
his arm was a natty raincoat and he wore gloves.
"Who is it?" said the Tennessee Shad faintly.
"It's the gas inspector," said Dennis de Brian de Boru, who, though
now long of trousers, continued short of respect.
"Goodness gracious," said the Tennessee Shad, "can it be the little
Dink who came to us from the Green House?"
Stover approached serenely and shook hands.
"Heavens, Dink," said the Gutter Pup, "what has happened? Have you
gone into the clothing business?"
"Like my jibs?" said Stover, throwing back his coat. "Catch this!"
The front rank went over like so many nine pins. Stover, pleased with
the effect, waved his hand and disappeared to pay his militant
respects to The Roman who led him to the light and looked him over
with unconcealed amazement.
When Dink had gone to his old room the Tennessee Shad, the Gutter Pup
and Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan were already awaiting him, with
heads critically slanted.
"Tell us the worst," said the Gutter Pup.
"Are you married?" said the Tennessee Shad.
"Let's see her photograph," said Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan.
Now, Stover had foreseen the greeting and the question and had come
prepared. He opened his valise and, taking out a case, arranged a
dozen photographs on his bureau, artfully concealing the one and only
in a temporarily subordinate position.
The three village loungers arose and stationed themselves in front of
the portrait gallery.
"Why, he must be perfectly irresistible!" said the Gutter Pup.
"Dink," said Dennis, "do all these girls love you?"
Stover, disdaining a reply, selected another case.
"Razors!" said the Tennessee Shad.
"What for?" said Dennis.
"Oh, I shave, too," said the Gutter Pup, in whom the spirit of envy
was beginning to work.
"And now, boys," said Stover briskly, taking off his coat, folding it
carefully over a chair and beginning to unpack, "sit down. Don't act
like a lot of hayseeds on a rail, but tell me what the Freshmen are
like."
The manner was complete--convincing, without a trace of embarrassment.
The three wits exchanged foolish glances and sat down.
"What do you weigh?" said the Gutter Pup faintly.
"One hundred and fifty-five, and I've grown an inch," said Stover,
ranging on a ring a score of flashy neckties.
"I wish Lovely Mead could see those," said the Gutter Pup with a last
appearance of levity.
"Call him up. Look at them yourself," said Stover, tendering the
neckwear. "I think they're rather tasty myself."
Before such absolute serenity frivolity died of starvation. They made
no further attempt at sarcasm, but sat awed until Stover had departed
to carry the glad news of his increased weight to Captain Flash
Condit.
"Why he's older than The Roman," said the Tennessee Shad, the first to
recover.
"He's in love," said Dennis, who had intuitions.
"No, be-loved," said the Gutter Pup with a sigh, who was suffering
from the first case, but not from the second.
The amazement of rolling, old Sir John Falstaff at the transformation
of Prince Hal was nothing to the consternation of the Kennedy House at
the sudden conversion of Dink Stover, the fount of mischief, into a
complete disciplinarian.
Now the cardinal principle of House government is the division of the
flock by the establishing of an age line. The control of the
youngsters is almost always vigorously enforced, and though the
logical principles involved are sometimes rather dubious they are
adequate from the fact that they are never open to argument.
Occasionally, however, under the leadership of some president either
too indolent or incapable of leadership, this strict surveillance over
the habits and conduct of youth is relaxed, with disastrous results to
the orderly reputation of the House.
Stover, having been the arch rebel and fomenter of mischief, had the
most determined ideas as to the discipline he intended to enforce and
the respect he should exact.
The first clash came with the initial House Meeting, over which he
presided. Now in the past these occasions had offered Dennis de Brian
de Boru Finnegan and his attendant imps unlimited amusement, as King
Lentz had been almost totally ignorant of the laws of parliamentary
procedure.
Of a consequence, no sooner was a meeting fairly under way, than some
young scamp would rise and solemnly move the previous question, which
never failed to bring down a storm of hoots at the complete
mystification of the perplexed chairman, who never to his last day was
able to solve this knotty point of procedure.
Now, Dennis, while he had been impressed by Stover's new majesty,
retained still a feeling of resistance. So the moment the gavel
declared the meeting open he bobbed up with a wicked gleam and shrilly
announced:
"Mr. Chairman, I move the previous question."
"Mr. Finnegan will come to order," said Stover quietly.
"Oh, I say, Dink!"
"Are you addressing the chair?" said Stover sternly.
"Oh, no," said Finnegan, according to his usual manner, "I was just
whistling through my teeth, gargling my larynx, trilling----"
Crash came the gavel and the law spoke forth:
"Mr. Finnegan will come to order?"
"I won't!"
"Mr. Finnegan either apologizes to the chair, or the chair will see
that Mr. Finnegan returns to short trousers and stays there. Mr.
Finnegan has exactly one minute to make up his mind."
Dennis, crimson and gasping, stood more thoroughly amazed and
nonplussed than he had ever been in his active existence. He opened
his mouth as though to reply, and beheld Stover calmly draw forth his
watch. Had it been any one else, Dennis would have hesitated; but he
knew Stover of old and what the chilly, metallic note was in his
voice. He chose the lesser of two evils and gave the apology.
"The chair will now state," said Stover, replacing his watch, "for the
benefit of any other young, transcendent jokers that may care to
display their side-splitting wit, that the chair is quite capable of
handling the previous question, or any other question, and that these
meetings are going to be orderly proceedings and not one-ring circuses
for the benefit of the Kennedy Association of Clowns. The question
before the House is the protest against compulsory bath. The chair
recognizes Mr. Lazelle to make a motion."
The cup of Finnegan's bitterness was not yet filled. Stover's first
act of administration was to forbid the privileges of the cold-air
flues and the demon cigarette to all members of the House who had not
attained, according to his judgment, either a proper age or a
sufficient display of bodily stature. Among the proscribed was Dennis
de Brian de Boru Finnegan, whose legs, clothed in new dignity, fairly
quivered under the affront, as he tearfully protested:
"I say, Dink, it's an outrage!"
"Can't help it. It's for your own good."
"But I'm fifteen."
"Now, see here, Dennis," said Stover firmly, "your business is to grow
and to be of some use. No one's going to know about it unless you yell
it out, but I'm going to see that you turn out a decent, manly chap
and not another Slops Barnett."
"But you went with Slops yourself."
"I did--but you're not going to be such a fool."
"Why, you're a regular tyrant!"
"All right, call it that."
"And I elected you," said Dennis, the aggrieved and astounded modern
politician. "This is Goo-gooism!"
"No, it isn't," said Stover indignantly. "I'm not interfering with any
fellow who's sixteen--they can do what they darn please. But I'm not
going to have a lot of kids in this House starting sporting life until
they've grown up to it, savez? They're going to be worth living with
and having around, and not abominations in the sight of gods and men.
Pass the word along."
The revolt, for a short while, was furiously indignant, but the
prestige of Stover's reputation forestalled all thought of
disobedience. In such cases absolute power is in the hands of him who
can wield it, and Stover could command.
In short order he had reduced the youngsters to respect and
usefulness, with the following imperial decrees:
1. All squabs are to maintain in public a deferential and
modest attitude.
2. No squab shall talk to excess in the presence of his
elders.
3. No squab shall habitually use bad language, under
penalty of an application of soap and water.