Macnooder, that night, formed the Eureka Purchasing Company,
incorporated himself, and secured, at jigger rates, every second-hand
alarm clock on which he could lay his hands--but more of that
hereafter.
At five o'clock the next afternoon the combined Kennedy House packed
itself into the Tennessee Shad's room, where Doc Macnooder rose and
addressed them:
"Gentlemen of the Kennedy: I will only detain you an hour or so; I
have only a few thousand words to offer. We are gathered here on an
auspicious occasion, a moment of history--the moment _is_ historical.
Your esteemed Housemate, Mr. Dink Stover, has completed, after years
of endeavor, an invention that is destined to be a household word from
the northernmost wilds of the Davis House to the sun-kissed fragrance
of the Green, from the Ethiopian banks of the fur-bearing canal to the
Western Tins of Hot-dog Land! Gentlemen, I will be frank----"
"Cheese it!" said a voice.
"I will be frank," repeated Macnooder, turning on them a countenance
on which candor struggled with innocence. "I did not wish or
encourage the present method of procedure. As a member of the
Dickinson House I combated the proposition of Mr. Stover and his
associates to make this invention a Kennedy House sinecure. I still
combat it--but I yield. If they wish to give away their profits they
can. Gentlemen, in a few moments I shall have the pleasure of placing
before you an opportunity to become shareholders in one of the most
epoch-making inventions the world has ever known."
"What's it called?" said a voice.
"It's called," said Macnooder slowly, secure now of the attention of
his audience, "it's called The Complete Sleep Prolonger. The title
itself is a promise and a hope. I will claim nothing for this
wonderful little invention. It not only combats the cold, but it
encourages the heat; it prolongs not only the sleep, but the
existence; it will increase the stature, make fat men thin, thin men
impressive, clear the complexion, lighten the eye and make the hair
long and curly."
"Let's have it," cried several voices.
"Gentlemen," said Macnooder, seeing that no further delay was
possible, "our first demonstration will be entitled The Old Way."
Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan, in pajamas, appeared from a closet,
went to the window, opened it, shut the register, yawned, went to his
bed and drew the covers over his head. The faint sounds of a mandolin
were heard from the expert hands of the Tennessee Shad.
"Scene," said Macnooder, fitting his accents to low music as is the
custom of vaudeville--"scene represents the young Lawrenceville boy,
exhausted by the preparation of the next day's lessons, seeking to
rest his too conscientious brain. The night passes, the wind rises. It
grows cold. Hark the rising bell. He hears it not. What now? He rises
in his bed, the room is bitter cold. He bounds to the window over the
frozen ground. He springs to the register and back to his bed. He
looks at his watch. Heavens! Not a moment to lose. The room is bitter
cold, but he must up and dress!"
Finnegan, completing the pantomime, returned with thunders of
applause.
"Gentlemen," cried Macnooder, "is this picture a true one?"
And the roar came back:
"You bet!"
"Our next instructive little demonstration is entitled The Scientific
Way or The Sleep Prolonger Watches Over Him. Observe now the modest
movements of the Dink, the Kennedy House Edison."
Dink, thus introduced, connected the hot-air register to the window
sash, the window sash to the weight--specially covered with tin
foil--and brought forth the table on which was the now completed Sleep
Prolonger. Only the face of the clock appeared, the rest was buried
under an arrangement of cardboard boxes and perfectly useless spools,
that turned with the rope that took a thrice devious way to the alarm
key. In front, two Kennedy House flags were prominently displayed.
"Is everything ready, Mr. Stover?" said Macnooder, while the crowd
craned forth, amazed at the intricacy of the machine.
"Ready, Mr. President."
"Second demonstration," said Macnooder.
Finnegan again entered, fixed the register, lowered the window and,
going to the clock, set the alarm.
"He sets the alarm for half-past seven," said Macnooder in cadence.
"One half-hour gained. The night passes. The wind rises. It grows
cold. Hark the rising bell. He hears it not; he doesn't have to. The
Sleep Prolonger is there."
The alarm shot off with a suddenness that brought responsive jumps
from the audience, the weight fell, and to the amazement of all, the
window closed and the register opened.
"Watch him now, watch him," cried Macnooder, hushing the tumult of
applause. "Observe the comfort and the satisfaction in his look. He
has not stirred, not a limb of his body has been exposed, and yet the
room grows warm. His eye is on the clock; he will rise in time, and he
will rise in comfort!
"Gentlemen, this great opportunity is now before you. This marvel of
human ingenuity, this baffling example of mechanical intricacy is now
within your reach. It can do anything. It is yours. It is yours at
prices that would make a miner turn from picking up gold nuggets. It
is yours for one dollar and twenty-five cents--twenty-five cents is
our profit, gentlemen, and you get one profit-sharing bonus. And,
furthermore, each of the first fifteen purchasers who will pay the sum
of one-fifty will receive not one, but three eight-per-cent.,
accumulative, preferred bonuses."
"Bonus for what?" said an excited voice.
"Twenty-five per cent. of the net profits," cried Macnooder, thumping
the table, "will be set aside for pro-rata distribution. The device
itself remains for three days a secret, until the completion of the
patents. Orders from the model set up and installed in twenty-four
hours now acceptable, cash down. No crowding there, first fifteen get
three bonuses--one at a time; keep back there--no crowding, no
pushing--no pushing, boys. Here, stop! Owing to the extraordinary
demand, have I the advisory board's consent to give every purchaser
present who pays one-fifty three bonuses? I have? Let her go! Mr.
Finnegan, take down the names. Cash, right over here!"
"I don't like this idea of bonuses," said Finnegan, when the rooms had
returned to their quiet again.
"Twenty-five per cent., Doc!" said the Tennessee Shad reproachfully.
"Why, you chump," said Macnooder proudly, "that's what's called the
profit-sharing system. It keeps 'em quiet, and it also keeps 'em from
going out and giving the game away. Mark my words."
"But twenty-five per cent.," said the Tennessee Shad, shaking his
head.
"Of the profits--net profits," said Macnooder. "There's a way to get
around that. I'll show you later."
"We must get to work and round up some alarm clocks," said Stover.
"I've already thought of that," said Doc, as he took his leave. "Don't
worry about that. Now I'll canvas the Dickinson."
"A slight feeling of uneasiness," said the Tennessee Shad solemnly,
when Macnooder had departed--"a slight feeling of uneasiness is
stealing over me, as the poet says."
"Let's have a look at the articles of incorporation," said Stover, who
sat down with Dennis to study them.
"We're the advisory board," said Dennis stoutly.
"He's got fifty-one per cent. of the stock, though," said Dink.
"But we've got forty-nine!"
The Tennessee Shad, who had not risen from his chair as it involved
extraordinary exertion, was heard repeating in a lonely sort of way to
himself:
"A slight feeling of uneasiness."
By the next nightfall every room in the Kennedy was equipped with a
Complete Sleep Prolonger. Their reception was exactly as Macnooder had
foreseen. At first a roar went up as soon as the simplicity of the
device was unearthed, but the thought of the precious bonuses soon
quelled the revolt.
Besides, there was no doubt of the great humanizing effects of the
invention, and the demand that it would awaken throughout the whole
school.
But an obstacle arose to even the deep-laid plans of Macnooder
himself. As the Third Triumvirate Manufacturing Company had bought
its stock from the Eureka Purchasing Company--which had cornered the
alarm-clock market--it followed that the alarm clocks were distinctly
second rate.
The consequence was that, though all were set for half-past seven, the
first gun went off at about quarter-past two in the morning, bringing
Mr. Bundy, the assistant house master, to the middle of the floor in
one terrified bound, and starting a giggle that ran the darkened house
like an epidemic.
At half-past three another explosion took place, aggravated this time
by the fact that, the window pulleys being worn, the sash flew up with
enough force to shatter most of the glass.
At four o'clock, when three more went off in friendly conjunction, The
Roman met Mr. Bundy in the hall in light marching costume, and made a
few very forcible remarks on the duties of subordinates--the same
being accentuated by the wailing complaint of the youngest Roman which
resounded through the house.
From then on the musketry continued intermittently until half-past
seven, when such a salvo went off that the walls of the house seemed
jarred apart.
The Third Triumvirate went down to breakfast with small appetite. To
add to their apprehension, during the long wakeful reaches of the
night there had been borne to their ears faint but unmistakable sounds
from the opposite Dickinson and the Woodhull, which had convinced them
that there, too, the great invention of the age had been betrayed by
defective supplies.
The Roman looked haggard; Mr. Bundy haggard and aggressive.
"Northwester coming," said the Tennessee Shad under his breath. "I
know the signs."
"It's all Macnooder," said Stover bitterly.
At first recitation The Roman flunked Stover on the review, on the
gerund and gerundive, on the use of hendiadys--a most unfair
exhibition of persecution--on several supines, and requested him to
remain after class.
"Ahem, John," he said, bringing to bear the batteries of his eyes on
the embattled Dink, "you were, I take it, at the bottom, so to speak,
of last night's outrage. Yes? Speak up."
"May I ask, sir," said Dink, very much aggrieved--for masters should
confine themselves to evidence and not draw deductions--"I should like
to know by what right you pick on me?"
The Roman, knowing thoroughly the subject under hand, did not
condescend to argue, but smiled a thin, wan smile.
"You were, John, weren't you?"
"I was--that is, I invented it."
"Invented it?" said The Roman, sending one eyebrow toward the ceiling.
"Invented what?"
"The Sleep Prolonger," said Dink very proudly.
"Prolonger!" said The Roman, with the jarring memories of the night
upon him. "Explain, sir!"
Dink went minutely over the detailed construction of the invention of
the age. By request, he repeated the same while The Roman followed,
tracing a plan upon his pad. At the conclusion Dink waited
aggressively, watching The Roman, who continued to stare at his
sketch.
"One question, John," he said, without raising his eyes. "Was the
Kennedy the only house thus favored?"
"No, sir. Macnooder installed them in the Dickinson and the Woodhull."
"Ah!" As though finding comfort in this last statement, The Roman
raised his head and said slowly: "Dear me! I see, I see now. Quite a
relief. It is evident from your recital, John, that at least there was
no concerted effort to destroy the property of the school. I withdraw
the term outrage, in so far as it may suggest outrages of pillage or
anarchy. As to the continued usefulness of what you so felicitously
term the Sleep Prolonger, that will have to be a subject of
consultation with the Doctor, but--but, as your friend, I should
advise you, for the present, not to risk any further capital in the
venture. Don't do it, John, don't do it."
"Tyrant!" said Stover to himself. Aloud he asked: "Is that all, sir?"
"One moment--one moment, John. Are you contemplating any further
inventions?"
"Why, no, sir."
"On your honor, John?"
"Why, yes, sir."
"Good--very good. You may go now."
At noon, by virtue of an extraordinary order from headquarters, all
alarm clocks were confiscated and ordered to be surrendered.
"It's all the Old Roman," said Stover doggedly. "He knew it was my
invention. He's got it in for me, I tell you."
"Anyhow," said Finnegan, "since Doc planted a few Prolongers in the
Dickinson and the Woodhull we ought to be able to stack up a few nice,
round plunks."
The Tennessee Shad looked very thoughtful.
At this moment the Gutter Pup and P. Lentz, representing the
profit-sharing stockholders, called to know when the surplus was to be
divided.
"Macnooder is now at work on the books," said Dink. "We expect him
over at any time."
But when at eight o'clock that evening no word had been received from
the president, the Third Triumvirate held a meeting and sent the
Tennessee Shad over to the Dickinson, with orders to return only with
the bullion, for which purpose he was equipped with a small, black
satchel.
Just before lights the Tennessee Shad's dragging step was heard
returning.
"I don't like the sound," said Dink, listening.
"He always shuffles his feet," said Dennis, clinging to hope.
The door opened and the Tennessee Shad, carrying the black satchel,
solemnly entered. Dink flung himself on the bag, wrenched it open and
let it drop, exclaiming:
"Nothing!"
"Nothing?" said Dennis, rising.
"Nothing," said the Tennessee Shad, sitting down.
"But the profits?"
"The profits," said the Tennessee Shad, pointing sarcastically to the
bag, "are in there."
"Do you mean to say----" began Dink and stopped.
"I mean to say that the Third Triumvirate Manufacturing Company is
insolvent, bankrupt, busted, up the spout."
"But then, who's got the coin?"
"Doc Macnooder," said the Tennessee Shad, "and it's all legal."
"Legal?"
"All legal. It's this way. Our profits depended upon the price we paid
for alarm clocks. See? Well, when Doc Macnooder, as president of the
Third Triumvirate Manufacturing Company looked around for clocks, he
found that Doc Macnooder, as president of the Eureka Purchasing
Company, had cornered the market and could dictate the price."
"So that?" said Stover indignantly.
"So that each clock was charged up to us at a rate ranging from one
dollar and forty cents to one dollar and fifty."
"By what right?" said Dennis.
"It's what is called a subsidiary company," said the Tennessee Shad.
"It's quite popular nowadays."
"But where's the stock we subscribed?" said Dennis, thinking of his
one dollar and fifty cents. "We get that back?"
"No."
"What!" said the two in unison.
"It's this way. Owing to executive interference, the Third Triumvirate
Manufacturing Company is liable to the Eureka Purchasing Company for
ten alarm clocks, which it has ordered and can't use."
"But then, out of the whole, blooming mess," said Dennis, quite
overcome, "where do I stand?"
The Tennessee Shad unfolded a paper and read:
"You owe the Eureka, as your share of the assessment, two dollars and
forty cents."
"Owe!" said Finnegan with a scream.
"Just let him come," said Dink, doubling up his fists. "Let him come
and assess us!"
The three sat in long silence. Finally the Tennessee Shad spoke:
"I am afraid Doc was sore because we tried to freeze him out at first.
It was a mistake."
No one noticed this.
"Great Willie Keeler!" said Dennis suddenly. "If this thing had been a
success we'd have been ruined!"
"But what right," said Dink, unwilling to give up the fight, "had he
to pay the Eureka such prices. Who authorized him?"
"A vote of fifty-one per cent. of the stock," said the Tennessee Shad.
"But he never said anything to us--the forty-nine per cent. Has the
minority no rights?"
"The minority," said the Tennessee Shad, speaking beyond his horizon,
"the minority has only one inalienable right, the right to indorse."
"I'll get even with him," said Dink, after a blank period.
"I suppose," said Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan, "that's what's
called Finance."
And the Tennessee Shad nodded assent:
"Higher Finance, Dennis."