DESCRIBES CERTAIN LIVELY HAPPENINGS AT THE "JOLLY WAGGONER" INN
We had gone thus no great distance when we heard a sound of hoofs and
wheels and perceived an open travelling chaise coming up behind us.
The lane was narrow and rutted and thus the vehicle was progressing at
an inconsiderable pace, and as it passed us where we stood in the
hedge, I saw it contained a man and a woman. This man was richly
dressed, and handsome in a big, plethoric fashion, but beholding his
face, the small eyes, heavy jowls and fleshy nose, I took an instant
aversion to him.
"Did you notice that fellow?" I enquired, brushing the dust from me.
"Did you see--her?" exclaimed Anthony.
"A fleshly brute if ever there was one!" said I.
"Such glorious eyes and hair--a sweet angelic creature, Perry. Her
eyes seemed so big and appealing. Oh, curse it, why must women have
such eyes. Damn everything!"
"It will be a beautiful night!" said I, staring up at the purple vault
where stars began to wink.
"She looked--miserable--almost like one afraid."
"I wonder where we shall sleep, Anthony?"
"Oh, anywhere, in some barn, under a hedge, in a rick--what matter?
Why should she look afraid, I wonder?"
I made no answer, for truth to tell my mind yearned and my body
hungered for the sweet, cool luxury of lavender sheets; the thought of
a draughty barn or comfortless ditch appalled me, but I held my peace,
only I scanned the dim road before me with eager eyes for some sign of
tavern or inn.
And presently from the loom of trees I espied a twinkling light that
upon our nearer approach I saw proceeded from a wayside inn with a
great trough of water before it and a signboard whereon, though
evening was falling apace, I could make out the legend--
THE JOLLY WAGGONER
and above this the dim semblance of a man in gaiters and smock,
bearing a whip in one hand while in the other he upheld a foaming
beaker--but never in nature did ale or beer ever so foam, froth,
bubble and seethe as did this painted waggoner's painted beer.
"What now?" enquired my companion, for I had halted. "What is it,
Peregrine?"
"The beer!" said I.
"Where, man, where?"
"Yonder!" and I pointed to the sign. "Did ever eyes behold beer so
preternaturally frothy?"
"Of course not, Perry my lad, because reality is never so perfect as
the dream! The cove who painted that was damnably dry, perishing of a
noble thirst, not a doubt of it, and being a true artist he painted it
all in--egad, there's thirst in every inch of that foam--it's a
masterpiece!"
"It's a daub--and a bad one!" said I. "Indeed, on closer inspection
the foam looks very like cheese!"
"Excellent--the poor painting-cove was hungry also, and there you are!
I'd hang that thing in my dining room (supposing I had one) to get me
an appetite--it's made me hungry already and as for the thirst--Oh,
confound it--come on--"
"By no means!" said I resolutely. "Here is a cosy inn; here will we
eat and sleep--"
"At your expense? Curse me, no, Peregrine."
"Damme, yes, Anthony."
"I say positively I'll not--"
"Look at that cheese-like foam, Anthony!"
"Curse your pitiful eighteen pounds!"
"A dinner, a glass and a downy bed with sheets, Anthony!"
"Remember I'm a man of astonishing determination, Peregrine!"
"Forget your ridiculous pride, Anthony!"
"Ha--ridiculous, d'ye say, sir?"
"And utterly preposterous, sir!"
"Preposterous! By heaven!" he exclaimed, cocking the battered hat very
ferociously over one eye. "Were you a little nearer my weight and
size, sir--"
"Sir," quoth I, nettled by the allusion, "does my size offend you--"
"Rather say lack of size, sir--"
"Sir?"
"Sir!"
Now while we stood glaring upon each other in this very ridiculous
manner, we were startled by a clatter of hoofs from the inn yard, and
the snorting squeal of a horse in pain.
"By heaven, Perry!" he exclaimed, forgetting his ferocity and settling
his hat more firmly with a blow of his fist, "I believe some damned
scoundrel is kicking a horse!" And away he strode forthwith and I
hastened after him. Reaching the yard behind the inn we perceived an
ostler and a postboy who cherished a trembling horse between them,
talking together in hushed but sullen tones.
"Who's been savaging the horse, my lads?" demanded Anthony, running a
hand over the sweating animal with the caressing touch of a true
horseman. "Come, speak up and no mumbling!"
"'T were the genelman in the blue spencer as druv up 'ere a while ago
cursing 'orrid, an' 'im wi' a young fe-male. A bad 'un by 'is looks
an' ways, I think, an' I don't care if 'e 'ears me say it."
"Ah--with a lady, was he?"
"'E were!"
"A very beautiful lady--young, with hair--eyes--"
"W'y, she may 'ave 'ad heyes an' she might 'ave 'ad 'air--likewise she
may not--she may ha' been as bald as a coot an' as blind as a mole for
all I see--"
"That'll do, my lad, that'll do! But she was young, wasn't she?"
"'Ow should I know?" exclaimed the ostler, his manner losing all
respect as he observed Anthony's general down-at-heel appearance. "I
didn't think to open 'er mouth nor yet ob-serve 'er teeth--"
"That'll do, my lad, that'll do--"
"Oh, will it an' all--why then, git out o' this yere yard. Who are you
t' ax questions--out wi' ye an' quick's the word!" Saying which, the
tall ostler approached in a very dangerous and threatening fashion;
but even as he moved, so moved Anthony, only infinitely quicker, and
lo! in place of large, scowling visage were two large hobnailed shoes
that wavered uncertainly aloft in air while their owner rolled upon a
pile of stable sweepings.
"That was what Natty Bell would call 'one to go on with!'"
"Lorramity!" gasped the ostler, sitting up and glancing about in dazed
fashion. "Lorramity--that's done it, that 'as!"
"If it hasn't, we'll try another!" suggested Anthony in cheery tone.
"By cripes!" exclaimed the ostler, taking up a handful of stable
sweepings in an aimless sort of manner. "That was a one-er, that was!"
"I believe you!" quoth the postboy. "It were a leveller as you was a
fair askin' an' a-pleading for, an' you got it!"
"Is the lady stopping here to-night?" enquired Anthony.
"She are, sir!" answered the postboy.
"She am, sir!" answered the other, "an' because why, sir--I'll tell ye
true, if you won't go a-landin' me no more o' them one-er's--"
"Because 'is near 'orse cast a shoe, sir," explained the postboy.
"An' no smith nigher than Sevenoaks, which is seven miles away."
"Peregrine," said my companion, turning towards the inn, "remembering
the foam and your magnanimous offer we will reconsider our decision.
This way!" And pushing open a door, we found ourselves in a
comfortable chamber, half bar, half kitchen, where was a woman of
large and heroic proportions who, beholding Anthony's draggled
exterior, frowned, but the sight of my silver buttons and tasseled
Hessians seemed to reassure her, for she smiled and bobbed a curtsey
to them and asked my pleasure. At my suggestion of supper and beds for
two, she turned to frown at Anthony's attire again and called,
"Susie!"
In answer to which summons presently appeared a trim maid who, at her
mistress's bidding, forthwith brought us to a small chamber none too
comfortable, and there left us to kick our heels.
"As lovely a pair of eyes that ever eyes looked into, Perry!"
"Why, she's a fine, plump, buxom kind of creature," said I, "but I
think she squints a little--"
"Squints!" cried Anthony, turning with a kind of leap--"I'll be damned
if she does--"
"Well, then, take notice when she comes to lay the table--"
"What table? Who?"
"Why, the maid--"
"Ass! I meant the Lady of the Chaise! And she was frightened,
Perry--and no wonder--a man who would kick a horse would savage a
woman--by heaven, there are times when murder is a virtue!" Here he
rose suddenly as a heavy, trampling footstep shook the ceiling above
us. "Peregrine," said he, tossing his hat into a corner, "while you
remain here to observe the squint-eyed maid, I will forthwith
investigate."
Left alone, I sat impatiently enough, twiddling my thumbs; but as time
passed and brought neither Anthony nor the maid with supper, my
impatience redoubled, so that I rose and, opening a door, found myself
in a passage wherein were other doors, from behind one of which came
the dull, low sound of a woman's passionate weeping. Inexpressibly
moved by this, I hastened forward impulsively and, opening this door,
stepped into the room beyond.
She was crouching at the table, a slender, desolate figure, her face
hidden in her arms, but hearing my footstep, she lifted her head with
a weary gesture and, looking into the beauty of this pale, tear-wet
face, I read there a hopeless terror that went far beyond fear.
At sight of me she half rose, then sank down again, as from an inner
chamber strode a tall, heavily built man in whom I instantly
recognised the gentleman of the chaise. Beholding me, he halted
suddenly and stood a minute like one utterly amazed, then his face was
convulsed with sudden fury, his full lips curled back from strong,
white teeth, and uttering a snarling, inarticulate sound, he caught up
a heavy walking cane and strode towards me, whereupon I retreated so
precipitately that my heel catching in the worn floor-covering, I
tripped and fell; then, or ever I could rise, he stooped and catching
me in merciless hands, shook me like the savage monster he was and
dragging me across the floor, hurled me into the passage; lying
breathless and half-stunned, I heard the slam of the door, the rattle
of a bolt and thereafter the sound of his voice, hoarse and muffled
and very evil to be heard. I was upon my knees and groping for my hat
when powerful arms caught me and lifted me to my feet.
"Why, Perry--curse and confound it!" exclaimed Anthony. "What in the
name of--"
He broke off suddenly and I felt the arm about me grow tense and rigid
as from beyond the bolted door the harsh voice reached us, fiercer,
louder than before.
"Let you go back--and be laughed at for a fool? Not I! Little fool....
No, by God ... weep your eyes out ... we're as good as married ...
to-morrow morning ... come here ... obey me--"
"God!" exclaimed Anthony between shut teeth.
"And the door is bolted!" said I.
"No matter! Out o' my way!"
I saw him leap, saw his foot shoot out, heard a rending crash and next
moment he was in the room and I behind him. The man in the blue
spencer was in the act of locking the door of the inner room and
stood, his hand upon the key, glaring at us beneath drawn brows.
"What the devil!" quoth he, and snatching the stick where it lay on
the table, turned upon Anthony with the weapon quivering in his big
fist. "Out of this!" he snarled. "Back to the mud that bred you--d'ye
hear!"
"One moment!" said Anthony, his grey eyes very wide and bright. "There
is a lady in the room yonder and the doors are devilish flimsy,
otherwise I should endeavour to describe the kind of thing you are--I
intend very shortly to tread on you, but first--"
I saw the heavy stick whirl high, to fall whistling on empty air as
Anthony, timing the blow, sprang lightly aside, then leapt heavily in
with stiffened arm and fist that smote the scowling face reeling back
to the wall. And now rose sounds evil to hear, fierce-panted oaths,
the trampling of quick, purposeful feet, and a dust wherein they
swayed and smote each other in desperate, murderous fashion; sickened
by this beastly spectacle I shrank away, then ran to catch up the
flickering lamp and with this grasped in tremulous hands, waited for
the end. They were down at last, rolling upon the floor; then I saw
the shabby, weather-beaten figure was uppermost, saw this figure reach
for and grasp the heavy cane, saw the long arm rise and fall, heard a
muffled groan, a sharp cry, a shout of agony; but the long arm rose
and fell untiring, merciless, until all sounds were hushed save for a
dull moaning and the monotonous sound of blows.
"Anthony--for God's sake--don't kill him!" I cried.
"Murder--sometimes--virtue!" he gasped. At this I set down the lamp in
a safe place and, running in, caught that merciless arm, commanding
and beseeching in turn. "Right, Peregrine--loose my arm--he's had
about--enough--besides, I'm devilish blown!"
So I loosed him and, standing back, saw beyond the door a throng of
pale, fearful faces, that parted suddenly to make way for a short,
squat man who carried a blunderbuss. Anthony saw him too, for in a
moment he was up and, thrusting hand into his bosom, drew thence a
small pistol.
"Put down that blunderbuss!" he commanded; whereupon, after a
momentary hesitation, the squat fellow stepped forward and laid it
sulkily upon the table. "Here, Peregrine," said Anthony, "take this
pistol and keep 'em quiet while I walk on this scoundrel a little!"
Unwillingly enough, I took the weapon, while Anthony forthwith stood
upon his prostrate antagonist and proceeded very deliberately to wipe
his villainous-looking boots upon the gentleman's fine blue spencer;
this done, he stepped down and beckoned the squat man to approach, who
came in, though very unwillingly, and closely followed by the ostler
and postillion.
"'Ave ye killed the pore soul?" questioned the squat fellow, eyeing
the prostrate man very much askance.
"Alas, no--so I will ask you and these good fellows to carry him out
and lay him in the horse-trough--"
"'Orse-trough?" exclaimed the landlord.
"Horse-trough!" nodded Anthony.
"Not us!" answered the landlord.
"Think again!" said Anthony, taking up the blunderbuss.
"Ye mean t' say--" began the landlord.
"Horse-trough!" said Anthony, levelling the ungainly weapon.
"Come on, master," quoth the ostler, "'e du be a mortal desp'rit cove
for sure! An' what's a little water; 't will du un good!" So in the
end they raised the groaning man and bore him forth, followed by
Anthony with the blunderbuss across his arm. And presently from
without came a splash, a fierce sputtering and a furious torrent of
gasping oaths, which last sound greatly relieved me; and now, what
with this and the excitement of the whole affair, I sank down in a
chair, trembling from head to foot and my head bowed upon my hands.
But hearing a light footstep, I looked up to behold the lady, a
bewitching vision despite red eyes and pallid cheeks, where she stood
surveying me--then all at once she came forward, impetuous, her hands
clasped.
"Oh, sir, how can I ever thank you--and my nose so red and my eyes so
dreadfully bleared!"
And in the extremity of her gratitude I believe this beautiful young
creature would have knelt to me but that I caught and held her hands
in mine; and it was at this moment that Anthony strode in, still a
little breathless by reason of his late exertions.
"Oh, Peregrine--" he began and stopped, for at sight of him the lady
shrank closer to me, viewing him with terrified eyes, as indeed well
she might, for now, in addition to the woeful misery of his garments
and stubble of beard, his wild and desperate appearance was heightened
by a smear of blood across his pallid cheek. "Ah!" said he, beholding
her instinctive gesture of aversion. "Pray assure madam that in spite
of my looks she has nothing to fear!" and with one of his grand
obeisances he turned to go, but in that moment I had him by the
sleeve.
"Madam," said I, bowing to her as she stood viewing us with startled
eyes, "I have the honour to present your deliverer and my friend, Mr.
Anthony Vere-Manville!" And now I saw that her eyes indeed were very
beautiful. So I turned away and left them together.