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JONATHAN AND HIS
CONTINENT
_RAMBLES THROUGH AMERICAN SOCIETY_
BY
MAX O'RELL
AUTHOR OF
"JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," "FRIEND MAC DONALD," ETC.
AND
JACK ALLYN
TRANSLATED BY
MADAME PAUL BLOUET
BRISTOL
J. W. ARROWSMITH, 11 QUAY STREET
LONDON
SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO., 4 STATIONERS' HALL COURT
1889
_All rights reserved_
TO JONATHAN.
You have often asked me to write my impressions of America and the
Americans, and your newspapers have been good enough to suggest
_Jonathan and his Continent_ as a title for the book.
The title is good, and I accept it.
As for the book, since you wish it, here it is. But I must warn you that
if ever you should fancy you see in this little volume a deep study of
your great country and of your amiable compatriots, your worldwide
reputation for humour would be exploded.
However, as my collaborator, JACK ALLYN, is an American citizen, some at
least of the statements here set down regarding Jonathan ought to have
weight and authority.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.--Population of America.--An Anecdote about the Sun.--Where is
the Centre of America?--Jonathan cannot get over it, nor can
I.--America, the Land of Conjuring.--A Letter from Jonathan decides me
to set out for the United States.
CHAPTER II.--Jonathan and his Critics.--An eminent American gives me
Salutary Advice.--Travelling Impressions.--Why Jonathan does not love
John Bull.
CHAPTER III.--Characteristic Traits.--A Gentleman and a Cad.--Different
Ways of Discussing the Merits of a Sermon.--Contradictions and
Contrasts.--Sacred and Profane.--Players of Poker on Board Ship.--A Meek
and Humble Follower of Jesus.--The Open Sesame of New York, Boston, and
Philadelphia.--The Childish Side of American Character.--The Three
Questions Jonathan puts to every Foreigner who lands in
America.--Preconceived Notions.--Request of an American Journalist.--Why
the English and the French do not put Questions in their Countries to
the Foreigner who visits them.
CHAPTER IV.--Types.--Manly Beauty.--The Indian Type.--Second Beauty in
the Women of the New World.--Something Wanting in the Beauty of Most
American Women.
CHAPTER V.--All that Glitters is not Gold, especially in America.--The
Dollar is the Unity of the Metrical System.--Jonathan is
Matter-of-fact.--How he Judges Man.--The Kind of Baits that
Take.--Talent without Money is a Useless Tool.--Boston and Kansas.
CHAPTER VI.--Diamonds.--How Diamonds are Won and Lost in Tripping.--The
Sweat of Jonathan's brow crystallized in his Wife's Ears.--Avarice is a
vice little known in America.--Jonathan is not the Slave of the Almighty
Dollar to the Extent that he is believed to be.
CHAPTER VII.--Notes on the great American Cities.--New York.--
Boston.--A Visit to Oliver Wendell Holmes.--Washington.--Mount
Vernon.--Philadelphia.--Chicago.--Rivalry between these Cities.--Jokes
they indulge in at each other's Expense.
CHAPTER VIII.--American Houses.--Furniture.--Luxury.--The Clubs.--An
Evening at the Authors' Club.--An Eyesore.--A Wonderful Shot.--Bang,
right in the Bull's-eye!
CHAPTER IX.--Society Jottings.--Blue Blood in the United
States.--Fashionable Society.--Plutocracy.--Parvenus and
Arrives.--Literary and Artistic Society.--Provincialism.--All the
Americans have two Family Names.--Colonels and Judges.--American
Hospitality.--Terrapin and Raw Duck.
CHAPTER X.--Millionaires.--A List of the Great American Fortunes.--The
Stock Exchange.--A Billionaire's House.--Benevolent Acts.--A Democracy
Ruled by many Kings.
CHAPTER XI.--The American Girl.--Her Liberty.--Her Manners.--Respect for
Woman.--Youthful Reminiscences.--Flirtation Perfected.--The
"Boston."--Why the Young American Lady does not Object to the Society of
Men.--European Coats of Arms Regilt and Redeemed from Pawn.--Americans
of the Faubourg Saint Germain.--Lady Randolph Churchill.--Mating of May
and December.--Stale Theme of American Plays.--An Angel.--The Tell-tale
Collodion.--The Heroine of "L'Abbe Constantin."--What American Girls
Admire in a Man.
CHAPTER XII.--The Emancipation of Woman.--Extinction of Man.--War
against Beards.--Ladies Purifying the Streets of New York.--The Ladies
"Go it" Alone, and have a "Good Time."
CHAPTER XIII.--Prudery.--"Shocking" Expressions.--Transformation of the
Vocabulary.--War on Nudities.--The Venus of Milo does not Escape the
Wrath of the Puritans.--Mr. Anthony Comstock in Chief Command.--New
England Prudes.--Tattling or Calumny?
CHAPTER XIV.--John Bull's Cousin German.--A Salutary Lesson.--Women's
Vengeance.--A Battle with Rotten Eggs.--An Unsavoury Omelette.--Tarring
and Feathering.--Description of the Operation.--An Awkward
Quarter-of-an-hour.--Vengeance of a Ladies' School.--A Town Council of
Women.--Woman's Standing in the States.--Story of a Widow and her Two
Daughters.
CHAPTER XV.--Dress.--My Light-Grey Trousers create a Sensation in a
Pennsylvanian Town.--Women's Dress.--Style and Distinction.--Bonnets fit
to Frighten a Choctaw.--Dress at the Theatre.--Ball Toilettes.--Draw a
Veil over the Past, Ladies.--The Frogs and the Oxen.--Interest and
Capital.--Dogs with Gold-filled Teeth.--Vulgarity.
CHAPTER XVI.--High Class Humour.--Mr. Chauncey Depew and General Horace
Porter.--Corneille had no Humour.--A Woman "sans pere et sans
proche."--Mark Twain.
CHAPTER XVII.--Boisterous Humour and Horseplay Wit.--A Dinner at the
Clover Club of Philadelphia.--Other "Gridiron" Clubs.
CHAPTER XVIII.--Western and Eastern Wit.--Two Anecdotes in the way of
Illustration.
CHAPTER XIX.--Journalism.--Prodigious Enterprises.--Startling
Headlines.--"Jerked to Jesus."--"Mrs. Carter finds Fault with her
Husband's Kisses."--Jacob's Ladder.--Sensational News.--How a Journalist
became Known.--Gossip.--The Murderer and the Reporters.--Detective
Journalists.--"The Devil Dodged."--Ten Minutes' Stoppage in
Purgatory.--French, English, and American Journalists.--A Visit to the
Great Newspaper Offices.--Sunday Papers.--Country Papers.--Wonderful
Eye-ticklers.--Polemics.--"Pulitzer and Dana."--Comic and Society
Papers.--The "Detroit Free Press" and the "Omaha World."--American
Reviews.
CHAPTER XX.--Reporting.--For the American Reporter Nothing is
Sacred.--Demolition of the Wall of Private Life.--Does your Husband
Snore?--St. Anthony and the Reporters.--I am Interviewed.--My Manager
drops Asleep over it.--The Interview in Print.--The President of the
United States and the Reporters.--"I am the Interviewer."
CHAPTER XXI.--Literature in the United
States.--Poets.--Novelists.--Essayists.--Critics--Historians.--
Humorists.--Journalists.--Writers for the Young.--Future of American
Literature.
CHAPTER XXII.--The Stage in the United States.--The "Stars."--French
Plays.--Mr. Augustin Daly's Company.--The American Public.--The
Theatres.--Detailed Programmes.--A Regrettable Omission.
CHAPTER XXIII.--The Religion of the Americans.--Religious Sects.--Why
Jonathan Goes to Church.--Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, "this is the
Place to be Saved and Happy."--Irresistible Invitations.--The
Esoterists.--Why Die when Immortality is Attainable?--The Recipe.--Faith
Cure.--A Highly-recommended Book.--Seventh Day Hypocrisy.--To Choose
Goods is not to Buy Them.--"Great Scott!"--Religion and Republicanism
Live Happily together in America.
CHAPTER XXIV.--Colonel Ingersoll's Ideas.--The Man.--His Life.--His
Works.--A Minister declines to take his Place either in this World or
the Next.
CHAPTER XXV.--Justice.--Comparison Favourable to America.--Judicial
Procedure.--The Accused was Paid Cash.--A Criminal Hunt.--The Juries and
their Powers.--Slow Dealings of American Justice.--False
Philanthropy.--Twelve or Sixteen Minutes at the Wrong End of a Rope.--A
Savage Club Anecdote.
CHAPTER XXVI.--Lynch Law.--Hanged, Burned, and Shot.--The Gaolers do not
Answer for their Boarders.--The Humours of Lynching.
CHAPTER XXVII.--A Word on Marriage and Divorce.--Scenes for an
Opera-Bouffe.--An Amateur Dentist.
CHAPTER XXVIII.--Mr. Grover Cleveland, President of the United
States.--A Public Reception at the White House.--A Private
Audience.--Why a Yankee Refrained from Accompanying Me.--What the
President Costs the Nation.--Mrs. Cleveland.--Her Popularity.--Life at
the White House.
CHAPTER XXIX.--Politics.--Parties.--The Gentleman and the
Politician.--"Honest John" and "Jolly Roger."--The Irish in
America.--Why the Americans are in favour of Home Rule.--The Mayor of
New York and the Green Flag.--The German Yankees.--The American
Constitution and the President.--Executive and Legislative
Powers.--England is a Freer Country than America.--The Elections.--An
Anecdote of M. Jules Grevy.
CHAPTER XXX.--The Ordinary American.--His Voice, his Habits, his
Conversation.--He Murders his Language and your Ears.--Do not judge him
too quickly.
CHAPTER XXXI.--American Activity.--Expression of the Faces.--Press the
Button, S.V.P.--Marketing in the House.--Magic Tables.--The Digestive
Apparatus in Danger.--Gentlemen of Leisure.--Labour Laws.--A Six Days'
Journey to go to a Banquet.--My Manager cuts out Work for Me.--A
Journalist on a Journey.--"Don't wait dinner, am off to Europe."
CHAPTER XXXII.--The "XIXth Century Club."--Intellectual
Activity.--Literary Evenings.--Light Everywhere.
CHAPTER XXXIII.--Climate Incites Jonathan to Activity.--Healthy
Cold.--Why Drunkenness is Rare in America.--Do not Lose Sight of your
Nose.--Advice to the Foreigner intending to Visit Jonathan in the
Winter.--Visit to the Falls of Niagara.--Turkish Baths offered Gratis by
Nature.
CHAPTER XXXIV.--Jonathan's Eccentricities.--The Arc de Triomphe not
being Hirable, an American proposes to Buy it.--The Town Council of
Paris do not Close with Him.--Cathedrals on Hire.--Companies Insuring
against Matrimonial Infidelity.--Harmony Association.--Burial of a
Leg.--Last Will and Testament of an American who Means to be Absent on
the Day of Judgment.
CHAPTER XXXV.--Advertisements.--Marvellous Puffs.--Illustrated Ditto.--A
Yankee on the Look-out for a Living,--"Her Heart and a Cottage."--A
Circus Proprietor and the President of the United States.--Irresistible
Offers of Marriage.--A Journalist of all Work.--Wanted, a Frenchwoman,
Young, Pretty, and Cheerful.--Nerve-calming Syrup.--Doctors on the
Road.--An Advocate Recommends Himself to Light-fingered Gentlemen.--Mr.
Phineas Barnum, the King of Showmen.--Nothing is sacred in the Eyes of
Phineas, the Modern Phoenix.--My Manager Regrets not being able to
Engage Mr. Gladstone and Lord Randolph Churchill for Platform Work in
the United States.
CHAPTER XXXVI.--Railways.--Vestibule Trains.--Hotels on Wheels.--Windows
and Ventilators, and their Uses.--Pitiless Firemen.--Conductors and
their Functions.--A Traveller's Perplexity.--Rudeness of Railway
Servants.--The Actress and the Conductor.--An Inquisitive Traveller.--A
Negro in a Flourishing Way.--Commerce on board the Cars.--"Apples,
Oranges, Bananas!"--The Negro Compartment.--Change of Toilette.--"Mind
your own business."
CHAPTER XXXVII.--Jonathan's Domestics.--Reduced Duchesses.--Queer Ideas
of Equality.--Unchivalrous Man.--The Ladies of the Feather-broom.--Mr.
Vanderbilt's Cook.--Negroes.--Pompey's Wedding.--Where is my
Coat?--Kitchen Pianists.--Punch's Caricatures Outdone by Reality.--A
Lady seeks a Situation as Dishwasher.--Why it is Desirable not to Part
with your Servants on Bad Terms.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.--Jonathan's Table.--Danger of Steel Knives.--The
Americans are Water-drinkers.--I Discover a Snake in my Tumbler.--The
Negro Waiter Comforts Me.--Accommodation for Travellers.--The
Menu.--Abbreviated Dinner.--The Little Oval Dishes.--Turkey and
Cranberry Sauce.--A not very Tempting Dish.--Consolation of Knowing that
the Waitresses are well cared for.--Something to Eat, for Heaven's
Sake!--Humble Apologies to Mine Host.
CHAPTER XXXIX.--How the Americans take their Holidays.--The Hotel is
their Mecca.--Mammoth Hotels.--Jacksonville and St. Augustine.--The
Ponce de Leon Hotel.--Rocking-chairs.--Having a "Good Time!"--The
American is never Bored.--The Food is not very Salt, but the Bill is
very Stiff.--The Negroes of the South.--Prodigious Memories.--More
"Duchesses."--The Negresses.--I Insult a Woman.
CHAPTER XL.--The Value of the Dollar.--A Dressmaker's Bill.--What
American Women must Spend on Dress.--Why so many Americans come to
Europe every year.--Current Prices.--The Beggar and the Nickel.--Books
and Oysters are Cheap.--Salaries.--"I can afford it."
CHAPTER XLI.--Conclusion.--Reply to the American Question.--Social
Condition of Europe and America.--European Debt and American
Surplus.--The Americans are not so Happy as the French.--What Jonathan
has Accomplished.--A Wish.
Jonathan and his Continent
CHAPTER I.
_Population of America.--An Anecdote about the Sun.--Where is
the Centre of America?--Jonathan cannot get over it, nor can
I.--America, the Land of Conjuring.--A Letter from Jonathan
decides me to set out for the United States._
The population of America is about sixty millions--mostly colonels.
Yes, sixty millions--all alive and kicking!
If the earth is small, America is large, and the Americans are immense!
* * * * *
An Englishman was one day boasting to a Frenchman of the immensity of
the British Empire.
"Yes, sir," he exclaimed to finish up with, "the sun never sets on the
English possessions."
"I am not surprised at that," replied the Frenchman; "the sun is obliged
to keep an eye on the rascals."
However, the sun can now travel from New York to San Francisco, and
light, on his passage, a free nation which, for the last hundred years,
has been pretty successful in her efforts to get on in the world without
John Bull's protection.
From east to west, America stretches over a breadth of more than three
thousand miles. Here it is as well to put some readers on their guard,
in case an American should one day ask them one of his favourite
questions: "Where is the centre of America?" I myself imagined that,
starting from New York and pushing westward, one would reach the
extremity of America on arriving at San Francisco. Not so; and here
Jonathan has you. He knows you are going to answer wrongly; and if you
want to please him, you must let yourself be caught in this little trap,
because it will give him such satisfaction to put you right. At San
Francisco, it appears you are not quite half-way, and the centre of
America is really the Pacific Ocean. Jonathan more than doubled the
width of his continent in 1867, when for the sum of four[1] million
dollars he purchased Alaska of the Russians.
[1] I have also heard "seven" million dollars.
Not satisfied with these immensities, Jonathan delights in contemplating
his country through magnifying glasses; and one must forgive him the
patriotism which makes him see everything double.
To-day population, progress, civilisation, every thing advances with
giant's stride. Towns seem to spring up through the earth. A town with
twenty thousand inhabitants, churches, libraries, schools, hotels, and
banks, was perhaps, but a year or two ago, a patch of marsh or forest.
To-day Paris fashions are followed there as closely as in New York or
London.
In America, everything is on an immense scale: the just pride of the
citizens of the young Republic is fed by the grandeur of its rivers,
mountains, deserts, cataracts, its suspension bridges, its huge cities,
etc.
* * * * *
Jonathan passes his life in admiration of all that is American. He
cannot get over it.
I have been through part of the country, and I cannot get over it
either. I am out of breath, turned topsy-turvy. It is pure conjuring; it
is Robert Houdin over again--occasionally, perhaps, Robert Macaire
too--but let us not anticipate. Give me time to recover my breath and
set my ideas in order. Those Americans are reeking with
_unheard-of-ness_, I can tell you that to begin with. My ideas are all
jostling in my poor old European brain. There is no longer anything
impossible, and the fairy tales are child's play compared to what we may
see every day. Everything is prodigious, done by steam, by electricity;
it is dazzling, and I no longer wonder that Americans only use their
adjectives in the superlative.
As an illustration of what I advance, here is a letter that I received
from an American, in the month of May, 1887, and which finally decided
me to go and see America. It is dated from Boston:
"Dear Sir,--I was on the point of taking the boat at twelve
to-day to go and have a talk with you about an idea which
occurred to me yesterday; but as I have already been across
three times this year, and, in a month or six weeks, shall
have to set out for St. Petersburg and Japan, I am desirous,
if possible, of arranging the matter I have at heart by
correspondence...."
"I must make the acquaintance of that man," I exclaimed; "I must go and
see Jonathan at home one of these days."
And as soon as circumstances allowed, I packed my trunks, took a cabin
on board one of the brave "White Star" Liners, and set out to see
Jonathan and his Continent.