The Young Father-to-be:
His Amazements
Till from some wonder of new woods and streams
He woke, and wondered more; for there she lay.
D. G. ROSSETTI.
The young father-to-be, though a real and very important person, has
been curiously neglected by all and sundry who concern themselves with
the affairs of the “expectant mother,” “child welfare,” and the other
social and semi-eugenic matters about which well-meaning people have so
voluminously written and so sedulously talked.
Sometimes jesting reference is made to the rather strange fact that,
in some savage races, it is the father and not the mother who lies in
bed for weeks after the birth of the child, but of the material and
very real psychological experiences and physical difficulties which
the young father is encountering and living through during the months
before the advent of his first-born, few have any knowledge. Fewer
still have offered the father-to-be any sympathy or help. Nevertheless
with the increasingly perceptive and specialized individuals comprising
our civilization, there arises an increasing number of young men
capable of feeling and suffering in some degree corresponding to the
great realities of which, for each, his home is the centre. And,
moreover, it must not be forgotten that among our thoughtful classes
are now growing up the young men whose mothers were among the pioneers
of women’s emancipation, whose mothers, therefore, were _voluntary_
mothers who have trained their sons consciously and unconsciously,
directly and indirectly, to be more in harmony with the true and
natural attitude of a sensitive human being to its mate than are the
average gross and over-bearing males, sons of enslaved and involuntary
mothers. The sensitiveness of the modern young man towards his duties
as a father, towards his wife as the mother of his child is, in my
experience, very remarkable in its extent and its beauty. I have direct
and indirect evidence from thousands that among the young Army men in
various messes on the continent in recent years, an unexpected racial
seriousness of attitude was shown when the necessary key that unlocked
the secret chamber was available. Although it is a most deplorable
truth, that there has been an increase in the racial diseases and an
outward levity towards women, this is less an inherent baseness on
the part of the young men than the result of the existence of the
false conditions in which they have been placed, due to the criminal
mishandling the whole racial problem has received from those older and
in a position of authority.
In the nature of things, at first the young man can scarcely avoid
taking fatherhood much more lightly than the girl takes motherhood.
In normal, sweet, and healthy men, a desire for children of their own
is very strong. Yet, however sympathetic their dispositions, however
observant they may be of others, the unmarried young men cannot, under
present conditions, have a full comprehension of what the attainment
of motherhood involves in sacrifice for the mother. Hence the ideally
mated young couple embarking upon parenthood set about it gaily, but
before many months have passed, the young father-to-be must also be
filled with amazements. For, control her impulse to be alone as she may
(see Chapter III), curb her induced fretfulness as she may, the general
psychological attraction between the man and the woman must be affected
by the physiological state of the mother. The young man should find
himself, if not actually repelled as the months progress, at least
much more able to give his wife an impersonal tenderness in place of an
active desire for physical union than he would have imagined possible.
However sweet their love, if they are average human beings and not
exceptional, he will perhaps, from time to time, be amazed and pained
by unexpected peevishness and fretfulness, perhaps by what appear to
be quite irrational and unjustifiable complaints from his wife. He
should be made acquainted with the facts on page 33, and should apply
them to himself and his wife. Knowing of the liability of such a
temporary development, he can guard against any permanent injuries to
love arising from the experience, such as often do result when it is
unexpected and misunderstood.
I remember once being told by a nurse who had been at a large maternity
home that of those who came there for the birth of their child she had
only seen one couple between whom there was no bickering, not even
infinitesimal criticisms and gusts of temper to ruffle the surface
of their intense and romantic devotion. “Generally the women at this
time,” she said, “lead their husbands an awful dance, and are always
snapping at them, but they do not really mean it, of course.”
Men, on the whole, I think (although it is difficult and dangerous to
generalize) are less tolerant of “superficial snappiness” than women,
and the ruffling of the surface which comes with a few angry words
enters probably deeper into the life of a sensitive man than it does in
the life of a girl of corresponding type, although, on the other hand,
a man may very quickly acclimatize himself to ignoring such comparative
trivialities. Yet at first, at any rate, they not only amaze but
distress, and when they appear irrational and swiftly pass, they may,
although a trifle in themselves, be the cause of much misunderstanding
and may be the foundation of more serious later disharmonies.
To the man who has any biological knowledge, all the wonderful
processes of the growth of the unseen embryo, leading up to birth, are
full of amazed wonder. If a man knows, as all should in these days
(see my book, _Married Love_, for information about the fundamental
processes of mating) how minute is the single sperm cell from which
his growing child takes its rise, the immensity of the results of the
activity of that tiny cell appear indeed stupendous. His flower-like
bride is changed, her whole body is permeated, altered and impressed by
the activities of this particle of himself united with its counterpart
within her.
Only for the utterly callous can the experience of the months of
waiting be anything but full of continual reminders of the amazing
complexity of life. Long ago Tennyson felt:--
Flower in the crannied wall,
I pluck you out of the crannies,
I hold you here, root and all, in my hand,
Little flower--but _if_ I could understand
What you are, root and all, and all in all,
I should know what God and man is.
Even more filled with humble and profound amazement must be the future
father, who feels that his wife is now the very centre of the greatest
mystery and wonder of the universe. Looking at her, brooding in her
dreams, his mind must be continually filled with the consciousness of
the eager active growth that is in progress, and the intense desire to
take part in the mystical processes.