I'VE paid my second wisit to this most emusing place, and have to report
a grate improvement in its inside, witch is gradawally a filling up like
an hungry Alderman at a nice rich fust class dinner.
But this time I paid speshal attention to the outside emusements, and
them as carnt find no fun and xcitement in them, had better go off at
wunce to the Amerrycan Bar for a "Coaxer," and that, as I found, will
soon pick him up. I never saw such a site as BUFFERLOW BILL'S Wild West
in South Kensington, the werry recklekshun of it sets me off so that I
must pull myself together with one of BERTRAM'S "Brighton Steadiers," or
I shall get too exsited to write strait.
[Illustration: Robert Tobogganing.]
Well, I spose it was because they was jest a little late that the whole
blooming lot of 'em, Amerrycans and Cow Boys, and Mexicans and Injians
with their Squalls and Porposes, and Gals a riding like gals generally
rides, and Gals a riding like men, all cum a galloping in at such a
whirling pace that it litorally took away all my pore breth, and they
screamed as they galloped, and their crimson and blue and scarlet and
yeller clokes all shone in the sunlight and fluttered in the breeze, and
when they came jest in front of me, where I was setting with dignerty in
a reserwed seat at the small charge of 1s., they pulled up bang, as if
they was all shot, and all sat as still as mice.
Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they
was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by
BUFFERLOW BILL and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty
of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the
jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away
after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to
deceeve the enemy.
[Illustration: A Little Indian Rubber.]
Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many
Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? We wound up with a Bufferlow hunt,
but as the animals was jest as uncurry-combed and as dirty as afore, I
gammoned Mrs. ROBERT, who was with me, that it was ardly a site for a
reel dellycat lady to witness, so we went off to see the Toboggening,
and grate fun it was to look at. But, to my extreme estonishment nothink
wood do but Mrs. ROBERT must try it, and, in spite of all my
remonstrances, I presently found myself a seated with my bitter arf on
the top of an high hill, about to be launched hedlong on our wild career
with ony a piece of rope to guide us and nothink to stop us. Oh, that
dedly moment of hezitashun! and then the rush through the hair with
sitch litening speed as made Mrs. ROBERT give jest a little squeal. How
any sane person having wunce tried this new game, which recalled to fond
memory the sensashun of my fust swing, can wish to repeat the dose, I
carnt understand. He suttenly ought to have the stummuck of a
Horsestrich rather than of a Halderman. The fond partner of my fate
having a little hedake after her rash xperryment, which she insisted
upon declaring was owing to the rifle-shooting, I adwised her to leave
the noisy scene and seek the cumfort of her quiet home, promising to
jine her hurly, so she went. I was afterwards asked to try the
Switch-back Railway, but learning from a prewious wictim as how the
sensation reminded him of the fust time as he crossed the Channel, I
declined with thanks.
Hoping to meet with the Kernel who had promised to introduce me to the
Hon. Mr. WILLIAM BUFFERLOW, Esquire, wulgerly called BUFFERLOW BILL, I
sauntered round to the Injians encampment, but was there told he had
gone to dine with some other Savages at the Savage Club, so I coudn't
see him. Howsumever I fell into conwersation with one of the tip-top
managers, and he introduced me to sum of the principal Braves, as they
calls 'em, and their Squaws, and porposes. They was worry affable and
perlite, as I'm told as all reel savages is, but I carnt say much for
their hartistick taste. There was one savage lady with a savage dorter
and a pickaninny about rising four, as grately surprised me. The yung
lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but
she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners
is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was
painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all
his air a brite green. But such is my natral perliteness, that when his
fond Ma held him up to me and said, "Lookee, lookee, ain't him Booty?" I
said, "Oh! yessee, yessee!" I didn't dare to kiss it, for fear its face
wood have stuck to mine, witch woudn't ha bin nice.
I spent a werry plessent evening with the principle performers such as
RED SHIRT, and CUT MEAT, and sum others, and whenever the conwersashun
flagged I surgested a adjurnment to the Amerrycan Bar, and we allus
tried a new drink, and this I will say for my forren frends that they
took them all with the same coolness as if they had been the native
drinks of the Far West End. The larst one we tried was called "A Yard of
flannel," and for warmth and cumfort it was well-named, but somehows I
fancy it must ha bin rayther a staggerer, for I remember werry little of
what took place afterwards. But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at
cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on
sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money,
and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, ROBERT, you've lost your Injian
Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. How I got home I don't werry well
remember, but I do remember, and shall probberbly never forget, the
werry warm recepshun I met when at length I arrived there, or the nex
morning's hed hake. I don't think I shall try "a yard of flannel," again
in an hurry.