SCENE--_Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young
Ladies (let them be distinguished as_ Miss CROSS and Miss ORTY)
_discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is
composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of_ Miss C.
and Miss O. _though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers,
having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to
three_ MILD MEN, _who advance to screen with a meekness designed to
propitiate. Instant transformation in both_ Miss C. and Miss O., _who
gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not
fond of animals_.
_First Mild Man (with apologetic cough)._ Oh, good-day! [_Slight pause._
_Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote)._
Yes, I said it to him just like that--it made me so wild!
_Miss Orty._ I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me.
_First M. M._ Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please?
[Miss Orty, _without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps,
and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen_.
_Second Mild Man._ Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to
inquire---- (Miss C. and Miss O. _regard him stonily, which has effect
of disconcerting him to some extent_). I--I ... there were some books I
sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may
remember it?--they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. _and_ Miss O.
_wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull
story_.) Some of my friends, er--I have been given to understand, that
two of the parcels have--well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you
kindly----
_Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows)._ Know anything about the
books?
_Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty
selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M._ Fill up
that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General.
_Second M. M._ But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid _here_?
You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps--er----
_Miss O._ Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form.
_Second M. M._ Quite so--but if you could only tell me----
_Miss O._ Can't do any more than I have done. (_To First M. M._) I gave
you your stamps some time ago, didn't I?
_First M. M._ Oh, yes--yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But--but (_with
manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject_) there was
my change--I--I gave you half a sovereign.
_Miss O. (with cold suspicion)._ Don't remember it. You should have
spoke about it at the time--but of course, if you say you haven't had
it--I suppose----
[_Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to
expect._
_Second M. M._ One moment--am I to leave this form with you?
_Miss C._ No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular
way--they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you
take the trouble to look.
_Second M. M._ Thank you _very_ much. Good morning.
[Miss C. _and_ Miss O. _naturally take no notice of this piece of
familiarity, and_ Second M. M. _departs crushed, and gradually realises
that he is slightly annoyed_.
_Third M. M. (presenting a telegram)._ Will you send this off at once,
please?
_Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather
as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer)._
"Post mortem's" _two_ words.
_Third M. M._ I have no objection--but it's rather important. I want it
delivered, and _soon_.
_Miss O._ You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then.
_Third M. M._ But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo."
_Miss O. (who seems to consider_ "Rumbo" _somewhat too frivolous_).
Well, if you like to leave it so, I can _send_ it--it's at your risk.
(_She leaves the form on the counter._) Eightpence-halfpenny.
_Enter_ Footman, _with parcel_.
_Footman._ How much to pay on this, Miss, please?
[Miss Cross _takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite
contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to_
Footman, _with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively_.
Footman, _after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in
a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated
to ask for further instructions_.
_Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote)._ I _should_ laugh if he
came again next Sunday, just the same--shouldn't you?
_Miss O._ I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know!
_Miss C._ Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way.
(_Perceives_ First M. M. _evidently awaiting her leisure_.) Was there
anything else you were waiting for?
_First M. M._ Er--yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for
six-and-sixpence?
_Miss C. (with decision)._ No, I can't!
_First M. M. (surprised)._ But surely----!
_Miss C._ Give you two--one for five shillings, and one for
eighteen-pence, if _that_ will do?
_First M. M._ Of course, that's what I meant!
_Miss Cross._ It's not what you _said_--you said _a_ order. (_Makes out
the orders with much disdain._) Three-halfpence to pay.
_Second M. M. (returning)._ Oh, I quite forgot--will you kindly cash
this order for me?
_Miss O._ Not till you've signed it.
_Second M. M._ Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed!
Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment?
_Miss O._ There's a desk over there for all that.
_Second M. M._ I--I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would
save time--the desk is occupied at present I observe.
_Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through
the wire net-work.)_ Give it back when you've finished with it.
[_She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir._
_Enter_ Imperious Customer, _and approaches screen with lordly air_.
_Imperious Customer (blusterously)._ Here you--one of you, let me have a
penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny
wrappers, will you? and look sharp!
_Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.)_ Certainly, Sir.
(_They vie with one another in activity._) Postcards in that drawer ...
I'll get the wrappers--ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good
morning, Sir.
[_Exit_ Imperious Stranger _snatching up his purchases and ignoring
parting smiles from behind the screen_. Mild Men _store up the lesson
for use on future occasions. Scene closes in_.
* * * * *
How's That?
"THE A B C of Cricket you must get,"
Says a great Critic, "if you would succeed."
_Punch_ then presumes 'tis by that Alphabet
A Cricketer may learn to (WALTER) READ!
* * * * *
COINS OF THE REALM.--'ARRY remarks that the Tories are led by a "Bob"
(CECIL), the Parnellites can boast the possession of a "TANNER," whilst
the Liberal Unionists make the most of their "JOEY."
* * * * *
ON THE JAR.--The French have a proverb, "_il faut qu'une porte soit
ouverte ou fermee_." This evidently does not apply to the Sublime Porte,
which seems generally "neither one thing nor t' other."
* * * * *
IT was settled at the last meet of the Coaching Club that Mr. EATON,
M.P., the new Peer, is to be crowned not with laurels, but with his own
bays.
* * * * *