[_Hysterically._] Horace!
VALE.
I beg your pardon.
CHARLOTTE.
It's Horace, Captain Vale.
VALE.
[_Coming from behind the curtain, looking terribly wet._]
Charlotte--Miss Verrinder.
CHARLOTTE.
What are you doing here? What a fright you look.
VALE.
What am I doing here, Miss Verrinder? Really, Lukyn, your conduct
calls for some little explanation.
LUKYN.
My conduct, sir?
VALE.
You make some paltry excuse to turn me out in the rain while you
entertain a lady who you know has very recently broken my heart.
LUKYN.
I didn't know anything of the kind.
VALE.
I told you, Colonel Lukyn--this isn't the conduct of an officer and a
gentleman.
LUKYN.
Whose isn't, yours or mine?
VALE.
Mine. I mean yours.
LUKYN.
You are in the presence of ladies, sir; take off my hat.
VALE.
I beg your pardon. I didn't know I had it on.
[_He throws the hat away, and the two men exchange angry words._
CHARLOTTE.
He's a very good-looking fellow; you don't see a man at his best when
he's wet through.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To LUKYN._] Colonel Lukyn, do you ever intend to send for a cab?
LUKYN.
Certainly, madam.
VALE.
One moment. I have some personal explanation to exchange with Miss
Verrinder.
CHARLOTTE.
[_To AGATHA POSKET._] The slippers. [_To VALE._] I am quite ready,
Captain Vale.
VALE.
Thank you. Colonel Lukyn, will you oblige me by stepping out on to
that balcony?
LUKYN.
Certainly not, sir.
VALE.
You're afraid of the wet, Colonel Lukyn; you are no soldier.
LUKYN.
You know better, sir. As a matter of fact, that balcony can't bear a
man like me.
VALE.
Which shows that inanimate objects have a great deal of common-sense,
sir.
LUKYN.
You don't prove it in your own instance, Captain Vale.
VALE.
That's a verbal quibble, sir.
[_They talk angrily._
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To CHARLOTTE._] It's frightfully late. Tell him to write to you.
CHARLOTTE.
I must speak to him to-night; life is too short for letters.
AGATHA POSKET.
Then he can telegraph.
CHARLOTTE.
Half-penny a word and he has nothing but his pay.
AGATHA POSKET.
Very well, then, Lady Jenkins has a telephone. I'll take you there to
tea to-morrow. If he loves you, tell him to ring up 1338091.
CHARLOTTE.
You thoughtful angel!
LUKYN.
Mrs. Posket--Miss Verrinder--ahem--we----
VALE.
Colonel Lukyn and myself----
LUKYN.
Captain Vale and I fear that we have been betrayed, in a moment of----
VALE.
Natural irritation.
LUKYN.
Natural irritation, into the atrocious impropriety of differing----
VALE.
Before ladies.
LUKYN.
Charming ladies----
VALE.
We beg your pardon--Lukyn!
LUKYN.
Vale. [_They grasp hands._] Mrs. Posket, I am now going out to hail a
cab.
AGATHA POSKET.
Pray do.
LUKYN.
Miss Verrinder, the process will occupy five minutes.
VALE.
[_Giving his hat to LUKYN._] Lukyn, I return your kindness--my hat.
LUKYN.
Thank you, my boy.
[_LUKYN puts on VALE'S hat, which is much too small for him. As he is
going out there is a knock at the door; he opens it; BLOND is
outside._
BLOND.
Colonel, it is ten minutes past the time of closing, may I ask you to
dismiss your party?
LUKYN.
Pooh! Isn't this a free country?
[_He goes out._
BLOND.
Yes, you are free to go home, Colonel. I shall get into trouble.
[_Following him out._
CHARLOTTE.
[_To AGATHA POSKET._] I'll have the first word. Really, Captain Vale,
I'm surprised at you.
VALE.
There was a happy time, Miss Verrinder, when I might have been
surprised at you.
CHARLOTTE.
A few hours ago it was--"By Jove, all is over." Now I find you with a
bosom friend enjoying devilled oysters.
VALE.
I beg your pardon, I find you enjoying devilled oysters.
CHARLOTTE.
Horace Vale, you forget you have forfeited the right to exercise any
control over my diet.
VALE.
One would think I had broken off our engagement.
CHARLOTTE.
If you have not, who has? I have your letter saying all is over
between us. [_Putting her handkerchief to her eyes._] That letter will
be stamped tomorrow at Somerset House. I know how to protect myself.
VALE.
Charlotte, can you explain your conduct with Gordon Bristow?
CHARLOTTE.
I could if I chose; a young lady can explain anything.
VALE.
But he is showing your gift to our fellows all over the place.
CHARLOTTE.
It was a debt of honour. He laid me a box of gloves to a pair of
slippers about "Forked Lightning" for the Regimental Cup, and "Forked
Lightning" went tender at the heel. I couldn't come to you with debts
hanging over me. [_Crying._] I'm too conscientious.
VALE.
By Jove, I've been a brute.
CHARLOTTE.
Y-y-yes.
VALE.
Can you forget I ever wrote that letter?
CHARLOTTE.
That must be a question of time. [_She lays her head on his shoulder
and then removes it._] How damp you are. [_She puts her handkerchief
upon his shoulder, and replaces her head. She moves his arm gradually
up and arranges it round her shoulder._] If you went on anyhow every
time I discharged an obligation, we should be most unhappy.
VALE.
I promise you I won't mention Bristow's slippers again. By Jove, I
won't--there.
CHARLOTTE.
Very well, then, if you do that I'll give you my word I won't pay any
more debts before our marriage.
VALE.
My darling!
[_About to embrace him, but remembering that he is wet._
CHARLOTTE.
No--no--you are too damp.
ISIDORE.
[_Outside._] I beg your pardon, it is a quarter of an hour over our
time.
[_AGATHA POSKET has been sitting on the sofa; suddenly she starts,
listening intently._
MR. POSKET.
[_Outside._] I know--I know. I'm going directly I can get the boy
away.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To herself._] Æneas!
CIS.
[_Outside._] All right, Guv, you finish your bottle.
AGATHA POSKET.
My boy.
ISIDORE.
[_Outside._] Gentlemen, come--come.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To herself._] Miserable deceiver! This, then, is the club, and the
wretched man conspires to drag my boy down to his own awful level.
What shall I do? I daren't make myself known here. I know; I'll hurry
home, and if I reach there before Æneas, which I shall do, I'll sit up
for him.
_LUKYN returns._
AGATHA POSKET.
Is the cab at the door?
LUKYN.
It is.
AGATHA POSKET.
Charlotte! Charlotte!
[_Drawing her veil down._
CHARLOTTE.
I'm ready, dear. [_To VALE._] Married sisters are always a little
thoughtless.
VALE.
[_Offering his arm._] Permit me.
LUKYN.
[_Offering his arm to AGATHA POSKET._] My dear madam.
_They are all four about to leave when BLOND enters hurriedly._
BLOND.
[_Holding up his hand for silence._] Hush! Hush!
LUKYN.
What's the matter?
BLOND.
The police!
ALL.
[_In a whisper._] The police!
BLOND.
[_Quietly._] The police are downstairs at the door. I told you so.
CHARLOTTE.
[_Clinging to VALE._] Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
AGATHA POSKET.
Gracious powers!
BLOND.
Keep quiet, please. They may be satisfied with Madame Blond's
assurances. I must put you in darkness; they can see the light here if
they go round to the back.
[_Blows out candles, and turns down the other lights._
AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.
Oh!
BLOND.
Keep quiet, please! My licence is once marked already. Colonel Lukyn,
thank you for this.
[_He goes out._
AGATHA POSKET.
[_Whimpering._] Miserable men! What have you done? Are you criminals?
CHARLOTTE.
You haven't deserted or anything on my account, have you, Horace?
LUKYN.
Hush! Don't be alarmed. Our time has passed so agreeably that we have
overstepped the prescribed hour for closing the hotel. That's all.
AGATHA POSKET.
What can they do to us?
LUKYN.
At the worst, take our names and addresses, and summon us for being
here during prohibited hours.
AGATHA POSKET.
Oh!
CHARLOTTE.
[_To VALE._] Horace, can't you speak?
VALE.
By Jove, I very much regret this.
_ISIDORE enters._
LUKYN.
Well, well?
ISIDORE.
I beg your pardon, the police have come in.
LUKYN.
The devil! [_To AGATHA POSKET._] My dear lady, don't faint at such a
moment.
_BLOND enters quickly, carrying a rug._
BLOND.
They are going over the house! Hide!
AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.
Oh!
[_There is a general commotion._
BLOND.
They have put a man at the back. Keep away from the window. [_They are
all bustling, and everybody is talking in whispers; LUKYN places
AGATHA POSKET under the table, where she is concealed by the cover; he
gets behind the overcoats hanging from the pegs; VALE and CHARLOTTE
crouch down behind sofa._] Thank you very much. I am going to put
Isidore to bed on the sofa. That will explain the light which has just
gone out. [_ISIDORE quietly places himself upon the sofa; BLOND
covering him with the rug._] Thank you very much.
[_He goes out._
AGATHA POSKET.
[_In a stifled voice._] Charley! Charley!
CHARLOTTE.
Yes.
AGATHA POSKET.
Where are you?
CHARLOTTE.
Here.
AGATHA POSKET.
Oh, where is Captain Vale?
CHARLOTTE.
I think he's near me.
VALE.
By Jove, Charlotte, I am!
AGATHA POSKET.
Colonel Lukyn!
LUKYN.
[_From behind the coats._] Here, madam!
AGATHA POSKET.
Don't leave us.
LUKYN.
Madam, I am a soldier.
CHARLOTTE.
[_To VALE._] Oh, Horace, at such a moment what a comfort we must be to
each other.
VALE.
My dear Charlotte, it's incalculable.
[_ISIDORE gently raises himself and looks over the back of sofa._
CHARLOTTE.
[_In terror._] What's that?
ISIDORE.
[_Softly._] I beg your pardon.
_BLOND enters quietly, followed by CIS and MR. POSKET on tip-toe, MR.
POSKET holding on to CIS._
BLOND.
This way; be quick. Excuse me, the police are just entering the room
in which these gentlemen were having supper. One of them is anxious
not to be asked any questions. Please to hide him and his friend
somewhere. They are both very nice gentlemen.
[_He goes out, leaving CIS and MR. POSKET._
MR. POSKET.
Cis, Cis. Advise me, my boy, advise me.
CIS.
It's all right, Guv, it's all right. Get behind something.
[_AGATHA POSKET peeps from under the table-cloth._
AGATHA POSKET.
Æneas, and my child!
[_MR. POSKET and CIS wander about, looking for hiding-places._
VALE.
[_To CIS._] Go away.
CIS.
Oh!
LUKYN.
[_To MR. POSKET, who is fumbling at the coats._] No, no.
BLOND.
[_Popping his head in._] The police--coming.
[_CIS disappears behind the window-curtain. MR. POSKET dives under the
table._
AGATHA POSKET.
Oh!
MR. POSKET.
[_To AGATHA POSKET in a whisper._] I beg your pardon. I think I am
addressing a lady. I am entirely the victim of circumstances. Accept
my apologies for this apparent intrusion. [_No answer._] Madam, I
applaud your reticence, though any statement made under the present
circumstances would not be used against you. Where is that boy? Oh!
Madam, it may be acute nervousness on your part, but you are certainly
pinching my arm.
[_There is the sound of heavy feet outside, then MESSITER, a gruff
matter-of-fact Inspector of Police, enters, followed by HARRIS, a
constable, and ACHILLE BLOND._
BLOND.
You need not trouble yourself--take my word for it.
MESSITER.
No trouble, Mr. Blond, thank you. [_Sniffing._] Candles--blown
out--lately. This is where the light was.
BLOND.
Perhaps. My servant, Isidore, sleeps here; he has only just gone to
bed.
MESSITER.
Oh! [_Taking a bull's-eye lantern from HARRIS and throwing the light
on ISIDORE, who is apparently sleeping soundly._] Dead tired, I
suppose?
BLOND.
I suppose so.
MESSITER.
[_Slightly turning down the covering._] He sleeps in his clothes?
BLOND.
Oh yes.
MESSITER.
Always?
BLOND.
Always--it is a rule of the hotel.
MESSITER.
Oh!--why's that?
BLOND.
To be ready for the morning.
MESSITER.
All right--all right. [_Throwing the rug and blanket aside._] Isidore,
go downstairs and give your full name and particulars to Sergeant
Jarvis.
ISIDORE.
[_Rising instantly._] Yes, sir--very good.
BLOND.
[_To ISIDORE._] Why do you wake up so soon? Devil take you!
ISIDORE.
I beg your pardon.
[_He goes out._
MESSITER.
What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond?
BLOND.
The skylight over the kitchen--devil take it!
MESSITER.
Thank you--_you_ can go down to the sergeant now, Mr. Blond.
BLOND.
With pleasure--devil take me!
[_He goes out._
MESSITER.
Now then, Harris.
HARRIS.
Yes, sir.
MESSITER.
Keep perfectly still and hold your breath as long as you can.
HARRIS.
Hold my breath, sir?
MESSITER.
Yes--I want to hear how many people are breathing in this room. Are
you ready?
HARRIS.
Yes, sir.
MESSITER.
Go! [_HARRIS stands still, tightly compressing his lips; MESSITER
quickly examines his face by the light of the lantern, then walks
round the room, listening, and nodding his head with satisfaction as
he passes the various hiding-places. HARRIS writhes in agony; in the
end he gives it up and breathes heavily._] Harris!
HARRIS.
[_Exhausted._] Yes, sir!
MESSITER.
You're breathing.
HARRIS.
Oh lor', yes, sir!
MESSITER.
You'll report yourself to-night!
HARRIS.
I held on till I nearly went off, sir.
MESSITER.
[_Giving him the bull's-eye._] Don't argue, but light up. There are
half a dozen people concealed in this room. [_There is a cry from the
women. CHARLOTTE and VALE rise; LUKYN steps from behind the coats._] I
thought so. [_As MESSITER turns, AGATHA POSKET and MR. POSKET rise,
CIS comes quickly, catches hold of MR. POSKET, and drags him across to
the window._]
CIS.
[To MR. POSKET.] Come on, Guv. Come on!
[_They disappear through the curtain as HARRIS turns up the lights.
Then then is a cry and the sound of a crash._
AGATHA POSKET.
They're killed!
[_MESSITER looks through the window._
MESSITER.
No, they're not; they've gone into the kitchen and the balcony with
them. Look sharp, Harris.
[_HARRIS goes out quickly._
LUKYN.
[_To MESSITER._] I shall report you for this, sir.
MESSITER.
[_Taking out his note-book._] Very sorry, sir; it's my duty.
LUKYN.
Duty, sir! Coming your confounded detective tricks on ladies and
gentlemen! How dare you make ladies and gentlemen suspend their
breathing till they nearly have apoplexy? Do you know I'm a
short-necked man, sir?
MESSITER.
I didn't want you to leave off breathing, sir. I wanted you to breathe
louder. Your name and address, sir.
LUKYN.
Gur-r-r-h!
MESSITER.
Army gentleman, sir?
LUKYN.
How do you know that?
MESSITER.
Short style of speaking, sir. Army gentlemen run a bit brusquish when
on in years.
LUKYN.
Oh! Alexander Lukyn--Colonel--Her Majesty's Cheshire Light Infantry,
late 41st Foot, 3rd Battalion--Bengal--Retired.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Hotel or club, Colonel?
LUKYN.
Neither. 19A, Cork Street--lodgings.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you.
LUKYN.
Bah!
MESSITER.
Other gentleman?
VALE.
[_With languid hauteur._] Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale.
Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers--Stark's Hotel, Conduit Street.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Retired, sir?
VALE.
No, confound you--active!
MESSITER.
Thank you, Captain. Ahem! Beg pardon. The--the ladies.
[_CHARLOTTE clings to VALE, AGATHA POSKET to LUKYN._
CHARLOTTE AND AGATHA POSKET.
No--no! No--no!
LUKYN.
[_To AGATHA POSKET._] All right--all right--trust to me! [_To
MESSITER._] Well, sir?
MESSITER.
Names and addresses, please.
LUKYN.
Officer--my good fellow--tell me now--er--um--at the present moment,
what are you most in want of?
MESSITER.
These two ladies' names and addresses, please. Be quick, Colonel.
[_Pointing to AGATHA POSKET._] That lady first.
LUKYN.
Christian names--er--ah--er--Alice Emmeline.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Alice Emmeline. Surname?
LUKYN.
Er--um--Fitzgerald--101, Wilton Street, Piccadilly.
MESSITER.
Single lady?
LUKYN.
Quite.
MESSITER.
Very good, sir.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To LUKYN, tearfully._] Oh, thank you, such a nice address too.
MESSITER.
[_To VALE._] Now, Captain, please--that lady.
VALE.
[_Who has been re-assuring CHARLOTTE._] Haw! ha! this lady
is--ah--um--the other lady's sister.
MESSITER.
Single lady, sir?
VALE.
Certainly.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Christian name, Captain?
VALE.
Ah--um--Harriett.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Surname.
VALE.
Er--Macnamara.
MESSITER.
[_With a grim smile._] Quite so. Lives with her sister, of course,
sir?
VALE.
Of course.
MESSITER.
Where at, sir?
VALE.
Albert Mansions, Victoria Street.
CHARLOTTE.
[_To VALE._] Oh, thank you, I always fancied that spot.
MESSITER.
Very much obliged, gentlemen,
LUKYN.
[_Who has listened to VALE'S answers in helpless horror._] By George,
well out of it!
[_CHARLOTTE totters across to AGATHA POSKET, who embraces her._
LUKYN.
[_Taking down the overcoats and throwing one to VALE._] Vale, your
coat.
_HARRIS enters._
HARRIS.
[_To MESSITER._] Very sorry, sir; the two other gentlemen got clean
off, through the back scullery door--old hands, to all appearance.
[_MESSITER stamps his foot, with an exclamation._
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To herself._] My boy--saved!
LUKYN.
[_To HARRIS, who stands before the door._] Constable, get out of the
way.
MESSITER.
[_Sharply._] Harris!
HARRIS.
[_Without moving._] Yes, sir.
MESSITER.
You will leave the hotel with these ladies, and not lose sight of them
till you've ascertained what their names _are,_ and where they _do_
live.
LUKYN AND VALE.
What!
AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.
Oh!
MESSITER.
Your own fault, gentlemen; it's my duty.
LUKYN.
And it is _my_ duty to save these helpless women from the protecting
laws of my confounded country! Vale!
VALE.
[_Putting his coat on the sofa._] Active!
LUKYN.
[_To HARRIS._] Let these ladies pass! [_He takes HARRIS by the collar
and flings him over to VALE, who throws him over towards the ladies,
who push him away. MESSITER puts a whistle to his mouth and blows;
there is an immediate answer from without._] More of your fellows
outside?
MESSITER.
Yes, sir, at your service. Very sorry, gentlemen, but you and your
party are in my custody.
LUKYN AND VALE.
What?
AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.
Oh!
MESSITER.
For assaulting this man in the execution of his duty.
LUKYN.
You'll dare to lock us up all night?
MESSITER.
It's one o'clock now, Colonel--you'll come on first thing in the
morning.
LUKYN.
Come on? At what Court?
MESSITER.
Mulberry Street.
AGATHA POSKET.
Ah! The magistrate?
MESSITER.
Mr. Posket, mum.
[_AGATHA POSKET sinks into a chair, CHARLOTTE at her feet; LUKYN,
overcome, falls on VALE'S shoulders._
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THE THIRD ACT
_The first scene is the Magistrate's room at Mulberry Street Police
Court, with a doorway covered by curtains, leading directly into the
Court, and a door opening into a passage. It is the morning after the
events of the last Act._
_POLICE SERGEANT LUGG, a middle-aged man with a slight country
dialect, enters with "The Times" newspaper, and proceeds to cut it and
glance at its contents, while he hums a song._
_MR. WORMINGTON, an elderly, trim and precise man, enters._
MR. WORMINGTON.
Good morning, Lugg.
LUGG.
Morning, Mr. Wormington.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Mr. Posket not arrived yet?
LUGG.
Not yet, sir. Hullo! [_Reading._] "Raid on a West End Hotel.--At an
early hour this morning----"
MR. WORMINGTON.
Yes, I've read that--a case of assault upon the police.
LUGG.
Why, these must be the folks who've been so precious rampageous all
night.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Very likely.
LUGG.
Yes, sir, protestin' and protestin' till they protested everybody's
sleep away. Nice-looking women, too, though, as I tell Mrs. Lugg,
now-a-days there's no telling who's the lady and who isn't. Who's got
this job, sir?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Inspector Messiter.
LUGG.
Messiter! That's luck! Why he's the worst elocutionist in the force,
sir.[*] [_As he arranges the newspaper upon the table, he catches
sight of MR. WORMINGTON'S necktie, which is bright red._] Well,
I--excuse me, Mr. Wormington, but all the years I've had the honour of
knowin' you, sir, I've never seen you wear a necktie with, so to
speak, a dash of colour in it.
----------
[*] A City magistrate, censuring a constable for the indistinctness of
his utterances in the witness box, suggested that the police should be
instructed in a method of delivering evidence articulately.
----------
MR. WORMINGTON.
Well, Lugg, no, that's true, but to-day is an exceptional occasion
with me. It is, in fact, the twenty-fifth anniversary of my marriage,
and I thought it due to Mrs. Wormington to vary, in some slight
degree, the sombreness of my attire. I confess I am a little uneasy in
case Mr. Posket should consider it at all disrespectful to the Court.
LUGG.
Not he, sir.
MR. WORMINGTON.
I don't know. Mr. Posket is punctiliousness itself in dress, and his
cravat's invariably black. However, it is not every man who has a
silver wedding-day.
LUGG.
It's not every one as wants one, sir.
[_MR. WORMINGTON goes out; at the same moment MR. POSKET enters
quickly, and leans on his chair as if exhausted. His appearance is
extremely wretched; he is still in evening dress, but his clothes are
muddy, and his linen soiled and crumpled, while across the bridge of
his nose he has a small strip of black plaster._
MR. POSKET.
[_Faintly._] Good morning, Lugg.
LUGG.
Good morning to you, sir. Regretting the liberty I'm taking, sir--I've
seen you look more strong and hearty.
MR. POSKET.
I am fairly well, thank you, Lugg. My night was rather--rather
disturbed. Lugg!
LUGG.
Sir?
MR. POSKET.
Have any inquiries been made about me, this morning--any messenger
from Mrs. Posket, for instance, to ask how I am?
LUGG.
No, sir.
MR. POSKET.
Oh! my child, my stepson, young Mr. Farringdon, has not called, has
he?
LUGG.
No, sir.
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Where can that boy be? [_To LUGG._] Thank you, that's
all.
LUGG.
[_Who has been eyeing MR. POSKET with astonishment, goes to the door,
and then touches the bridge of his nose._] Nasty cut while shavin',
sir?
[_LUGG goes out._
MR. POSKET.
Where can that boy have got to? If I could only remember how, when,
and where we parted! I think it was at Kilburn. Let me think--first,
the kitchen. [_Putting his hand to his side as if severely bruised._]
Oh! Cis was all right, because I fell underneath; I felt it was my
duty to do so. Then what occurred? A dark room, redolent of onions and
cabbages and paraffine oil, and Cis dragging me over the stone floor,
saying, "We're in the scullery, Guv; let's try and find the
tradesmen's door." Next, the night air--oh, how refreshing! "Cis, my
boy, we will both learn a lesson from to-night--never deceive." Where
are we? In Argyll Street. "Look out, Guv, they're after us."
Then--then, as Cis remarked when we were getting over the railings of
Portman Square--then the fun began. We over into the square--they
after us. Over again, into Baker Street. Down Baker Street. Curious
recollections, whilst running, of my first visit, as a happy child, to
Madame Tussaud's, and wondering whether her removal had affected my
fortunes. "Come on, Guv--you're getting blown." Where are we? Park
Road. What am I doing? Getting up out of puddle. St. John's Wood. The
cricket-ground. "I say, Guv, what a run this would be at Lord's,
wouldn't it? and no fear of being run out either, more fear of being
run in." "What road is this, Cis?" Maida Vale. Good gracious! A pious
aunt of mine once lived in Hamilton Terrace; she never thought I
should come to this. "Guv?" "Yes, my boy." "Let's get this
kind-hearted coffee-stall keeper to hide us." We apply. "Will you
assist two unfortunate gentlemen?" "No, blowed if I will." "Why not?"
" 'Cos I'm agoin' to join in the chase after you." Ah! Off again,
along Maida Vale! On, on, heaven knows how or where, 'till at last, no
sound of pursuit, no Cis, no breath, and the early Kilburn buses
starting to town. Then I came back again, and not much too soon for
the Court. [_Going up to the washstand and looking into the little
mirror, with a low groan._] Oh, how shockingly awful I look, and how
stiff and sore I feel! [_Taking off his coat and hanging it on a peg,
then washing his hands._] What a weak and double-faced creature to be
a magistrate! I really ought to get some member of Parliament to ask a
question about me in the House. Where's the soap? I shall put five
pounds and costs into the poor's box to-morrow. But I deserve a most
severe caution. Ah, perhaps I shall get that from Agatha. [_He takes
off his white tie, rolls it up and crams it into his pocket._] When
Wormington arrives I will borrow some money and send out for a black
cravat! All my pocket money is in my overcoat at the Hotel des
Princes. If the police seize it there is some consolation in knowing
that that money will never be returned to me. [_There is a knock at
the door._] Come in!
_LUGG enters._
LUGG.
Your servant, Mr. Wyke, wants to see you, sir
MR. POSKET.
Bring him in. [_LUGG goes out._] Wyke! From Agatha! From Agatha!
_LUGG re-enters with WYKE._
WYKE.
Ahem! Good morning, sir.
MR. POSKET.
Good morning, Wyke. Ahem! Is Master Farringdon quite well?
WYKE.
He hadn't arrived home, when I left, sir.
MR. POSKET.
Oh! Where is that boy? [_To WYKE._] How's your mistress this morning,
Wyke?
WYKE.
Very well, I hope, sir; _she_ ain't come home yet, either.
MR. POSKET.
Not returned--nor Miss Verrinder?
WYKE.
No, sir--neither of them.
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Lady Jenkins is worse, they are still nursing her!
Good women, true women!
WYKE.
[_To himself._] That's eased his deceivin' old mind.
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Now, if the servants don't betray me and Cis returns
safely, the worst is over. To what a depth I have fallen when I
rejoice at Lady Jenkins' indisposition!
WYKE.
Cook thought you ought to know that the mistress hadn't come home,
sir.
MR. POSKET.
Certainly. Take a cab at once to Campden Hill and bring me back word
how poor Lady Jenkins is. Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment
the Court rises.
WYKE.
Yes, sir.
MR. POSKET.
And, Wyke. It is not at all necessary that Mrs. Posket should know of
my absence with Master Farringdon from home last night. Mrs. Posket's
present anxieties are more than sufficient. Inform Cook, and Popham,
and the other servants that I shall recognise their discretion in the
same spirit I have already displayed towards you.
WYKE.
[_With sarcasm._] Thank you, sir. I will. [_He produces from his
waistcoat-pocket a small packet of money done up in newspaper, which
he throws down upon the table._] Meanwhile, sir, I thought you would
like to count up the little present of money you gave me last night,
and in case you thought you'd been over-liberal, sir, you might halve
the amount. It isn't no good spoiling of us all, sir.
_LUGG enters._
MR. POSKET.
You are an excellent servant, Wyke; I am very pleased. I will see you
when you return from Lady Jenkins's. Be quick.
WYKE.
Yes, sir. [_To himself._] He won't give me twopence again in a hurry.
[_He goes out; LUGG is about to follow._
MR. POSKET.
Oh, Lugg, I want you to go to the nearest hosier's and purchase me a
neat cravat.
LUGG.
[_Looking inquisitively at MR. POSKET._] A necktie, sir?
MR. POSKET.
Yes. [_Turning up his coat collar to shield himself from LUGG'S
gaze._] A necktie--a necktie.
LUGG.
What sort of a kind of one, sir?
MR. POSKET.
Oh, one like Mr. Wormington's.
LUGG.
One like he's wearing this morning, sir?
MR. POSKET.
Of course, of course, of course.
LUGG.
[_To himself._] Fancy him being jealous of Mr. Wormington, now. Very
good, sir--what price, sir?
MR. POSKET.
The best. [_To himself._] There now, I've no money. [_Seeing the
packet on table._] Oh, pay for it with this, Lugg.
LUGG.
Yes, sir.
MR. POSKET.
And keep the change for your trouble.
LUGG.
Thank you, sir; thank you, sir--very much obliged to you, sir. [_To
himself._] That's like a liberal gentleman.
[_LUGG goes out as MR. WORMINGTON enters through the curtains with the
charge sheet in his hand. MR. WORMINGTON, on seeing MR. POSKET,
uneasily tucks his pocket-handkerchief in his collar so as to hide his
necktie._
MR. WORMINGTON.
H'm! Good morning.
MR. POSKET.
Good morning, Wormington.
MR. WORMINGTON.
The charge sheet.
MR. POSKET.
Sit down.
[_MR. WORMINGTON puts on his spectacles; MR. POSKET also attempts to
put on his spectacles, but hurts the bridge of his nose, winces, and
desists._
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] My nose is extremely painful. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._]
You have a bad cold I am afraid, Wormington--bronchial?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Ahem! Well--ah--the fact is--you may have noticed how very chilly the
nights are.
MR. POSKET.
Very, very.
MR. WORMINGTON.
The only way to maintain the circulation is to run as fast as one can.
MR. POSKET.
To run--as fast as one can--yes--quite so.
MR. WORMINGTON.
[_To himself, looking at MR. POSKET'S shirt front._] How very
extraordinary--he is wearing no cravat whatever!
MR. POSKET.
[_Buttoning up his coat to avoid MR. WORMINGTON'S gaze._] Anything
important this morning?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Nothing particular after the first charge, a serious business arising
out of the raid on the "Hotel des Princes."
MR. POSKET.
[_Starting._] "Hotel des Princes?"
MR. WORMINGTON.
Inspector Messiter found six persons supping there at one o'clock this
morning. Two contrived to escape.
MR. POSKET.
Dear me--I am surprised--I mean, did they?
MR. WORMINGTON.
But they left their overcoats behind them, and it is believed they
will be traced.
MR. POSKET.
Oh, do you--do you think it is worth while? The police have a great
deal to occupy them just now.
MR. WORMINGTON.
But surely if the police see their way to capture anybody we had
better raise no obstacle.
MR. POSKET.
No--no--quite so--never struck me.
MR. WORMINGTON.
[_Referring to charge sheet._] The remaining four it was found
necessary to take into custody.
MR. POSKET.
Good gracious! What a good job the other two didn't wait. I beg your
pardon--I mean--you say we have four?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Yes, on the charge of obstructing the police. The first assault
occurred in the supper-room--the second in the four-wheeled cab on the
way to the station. There were five persons in the cab at the
time--the two women, the two men, and the Inspector.
MR. POSKET.
Dear me, it must have been a very complicated assault. Who are the
unfortunate people?
MR. WORMINGTON.
The men are of some position. [_Reading._] "Alexander Lukyn,
Colonel"----
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn! I--I--know Colonel Lukyn; we are old schoolfellows.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Very sad! [_Reading._] The other is "Horace, &c. &c.
Vale--Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers."
MR. POSKET.
And the ladies?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Call themselves, "Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara."
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Which is the lady who was under the table with me?
MR. WORMINGTON.
They are not recognised by the police at present, but they furnish
incorrect addresses, and their demeanour is generally violent and
unsatisfactory.
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Who pinched me--Alice or Harriet?
MR. WORMINGTON.
I mention this case because it seems to be one calling for most
stringent measures.
MR. POSKET.
Wouldn't a fine, and a severe warning from the Bench, to the two
persons who have got away----
MR. WORMINGTON.
I think not. Consider, Mr. Posket, not only defying the licensing
laws, but obstructing the police!
MR. POSKET.
That's true--it is hard, when the police are doing anything, that they
should be obstructed.
_LUGG enters._
LUGG.
[_Attempting to conceal some annoyance._] Your necktie, sir.
MR. POSKET.
S-ssh!
MR. WORMINGTON.
[_To himself._] Then he _came_ without one--dear me!
LUGG.
[_Clapping down a paper parcel on the table._] As near like Mr.
Wormington's as possible--brighter if anything.
MR. POSKET.
[_Opening the parcel, and finding a very common, gaudy neckkerchief._]
Good gracious! What a horrible affair!
LUGG.
According to my information, sir--like Mr. Wormington's.
MR. POSKET.
Mr. Wormington would never be seen in such an abominable colour.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Well--really--I--[_Removing the handkerchief from his throat._] I am
extremely sorry.
MR. POSKET.
My dear Wormington!
MR. WORMINGTON.
I happen to be wearing something similar--the first time for
five-and-twenty years.
MR. POSKET.
Oh, I beg your pardon. [_To himself._] Everything seems against me.
LUGG.
One-and-nine it come to, sir. [_Producing the paper packet of money
and laying it upon the table._] And I brought back all the money you
gave me, thinking you'd like to look over it quietly. Really, sir, I
never showed up smaller in any shop in all my life!
MR. POSKET.
Upon my word. First one and then another! What _is_ wrong with the
money. [_Opens the packet._] Twopence! [_To himself._] That man Wyke
will tell all to Agatha! Oh, everything is against me.
[_LUGG has opened the door, taken a card from some one outside, and
handed it to MR. WORMINGTON._
MR. WORMINGTON.
From cell No. 3.
[_Handing the card to MR. POSKET._
MR. POSKET.
[_Reading._] "Dear Posket, for the love of goodness see me before the
sitting of the Court. Alexander Lukyn." Poor dear Lukyn! What on earth
shall I do?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Such a course would be most unusual.
MR. POSKET.
Everything is unusual. Your cravat is unusual. This prisoner is
invited to dine at my house to-day--that's peculiar. He is my wife's
first husband's only child's god-father--that's a little out of the
ordinary.
MR. WORMINGTON.
The charge is so serious!
MR. POSKET.
But I am a man as well as a magistrate, advise me, Wormington, advise
me!
MR. WORMINGTON.
Well--you can apply to yourself for permission to grant Colonel
Lukyn's request.
MR. POSKET.
[_Hastily scribbling on LUKYN'S card._] I do--I do--and after much
conflicting argument I consent to see Colonel Lukyn here, immediately.
[_Handing the card to MR. WORMINGTON who passes it to LUGG, who then
goes out._] Don't leave me, Wormington--you must stand by me to see
that I remain calm, firm, and judicial. [_He hastily puts on the red
necktie in an untidy manner._] Poor Lukyn, I must sink the friend in
the magistrate, and in dealing with his errors apply the scourge to
myself. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._] Wormington, tap me on the shoulder when
I am inclined to be more than usually unusual.
[_MR. WORMINGTON stands behind him, and LUGG enters with LUKYN.
LUKYN'S dress-clothes are much soiled and disordered, and he, too, has
a small strip of plaster upon the bridge of his nose. There is a
constrained pause, LUKYN and MR. POSKET both cough._
LUKYN.
[_To himself._] Poor Posket!
MR. POSKET.
[_To himself._] Poor Lukyn!
LUKYN.
[_To himself._] I suppose he has been sitting up for his wife all
night, poor devil! [_To MR. POSKET._] Ahem! How are you, Posket?
[_MR. WORMINGTON touches MR. POSKET'S shoulder._
MR. POSKET.
I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn.
LUKYN.
By George, old fellow, I regret to find myself in it. [_Sitting, and
taking up newspaper._] I suppose they've got us in the "Times,"
confound 'em!
[_While LUKYN is reading the paper, MR. POSKET and MR. WORMINGTON hold
a hurried consultation respecting LUKYN'S behaviour._
MR. POSKET.
H'm! [_To LUGG._] Sergeant, I think Colonel Lukyn may be accommodated
with a chair.
LUGG.
He's in it, sir.
LUKYN.
[_Rising and putting down paper._] Beg your pardon, forgot where I
was. I suppose everything must be formal in this confounded place?
MR. POSKET.
I am afraid, Colonel Lukyn, it will be necessary even here to preserve
strictly our unfortunate relative positions. [_LUKYN bows._] Sit down.
[_LUKYN sits again. POSKET takes up the charge sheet._] Colonel Lukyn!
In addressing you now, I am speaking, not as a man, but, as an
instrument of the law. As a man I may, or may not, be a weak, vicious,
despicable creature.
LUKYN.
Certainly--of course.
MR. POSKET.
But, as a magistrate I am bound to say you fill me with pain and
astonishment.
LUKYN.
Quite right--every man to his trade, go on, Posket.
MR. POSKET.
[_Turning his chair to face LUKYN._] Alexander Lukyn--when I look at
you--when I look at you---- [_He attempts to put on his spectacles._]
Ah--my nose. [_To LUKYN._] I say, when I look at you, Alexander Lukyn,
I confront a most mournful spectacle. A military officer, trained in
the ways of discipline and smartness, now, in consequence of his own
misdoings, lamentably bruised and battered, shamefully disfigured by
plaster, with his apparel soiled and damaged--all terrible evidence of
a conflict with that power of which I am the representative.
LUKYN.
[_Turning his chair to face MR. POSKET._] Well, Posket, if it comes to
that, when I look at you, when I look at you--[_He attempts to fix his
glass in his eye._] Confound my nose! [_To MR. POSKET._] When I look
at you, _you_ are not a very imposing object, this morning.
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn!
LUKYN.
You look quite as shaky as I do--and you're not quite innocent of
court plaster.
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn! Really!
LUKYN.
And as for our attire, we neither of us look as if we had slipped out
of a bandbox.
MR. POSKET.
Don't, Lukyn, don't! Pray respect my legal status! [_MR. WORMINGTON
leads MR. POSKET, who has risen, back to his seat._] Thank you,
Wormington. Alexander Lukyn, I have spoken. It remains for you to
state your motive in seeking this painful interview.
LUKYN.
Certainly! H'm! You know, of course, that I am not alone in this
affair?
MR. POSKET.
[_Referring to charge sheet._] Three persons appear to be charged with
you.
LUKYN.
Yes. Two others got away. Cowards! If ever I find them, I'll destroy
them!
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn!
LUKYN.
I will! Another job for you, Posket.
MR. POSKET.
[_With dignity._] I beg your pardon, in the event of such a deplorable
occurrence, I should not occupy my present position. Go on, sir.
LUKYN.
Horace Vale and I are prepared to stand the brunt of our misdeeds.
But, Posket, there are ladies in the case.
MR. POSKET.
In the annals of the Mulberry Street Police Court such a circumstance
is not unprecedented.
LUKYN.
Two helpless, forlorn ladies.
MR. POSKET.
[_Referring to charge sheet._] Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet
Macnamara. Oh, Lukyn, Lukyn!
LUKYN.
Pooh! I ask no favour for myself or Vale, but I come to you, Posket,
to beg you to use your power to release these two ladies without a
moment's delay.
[_MR. WORMINGTON touches MR. POSKET'S shoulder._
MR. POSKET.
Upon my word, Lukyn! Do you think I am to be undermined?
LUKYN.
Undermine the devil, sir! Don't talk to me! Let these ladies go, I
say! Don't bring them into Court, don't see their faces--don't hear
their voices--if you do, you'll regret it!
MR. POSKET.
Colonel Lukyn!
LUKYN.
[_Leaning across the table and gripping MR. POSKET by the shoulder._]
Posket, do you know that one of these ladies is a married lady?
MR. POSKET.
Of course I don't, sir. I blush to hear it.
LUKYN.
And do you know that from the moment this married lady steps into your
confounded Court, the happiness, the contentment of a doting husband,
become a confounded wreck and ruin?
MR. POSKET.
Then, sir, let it be my harrowing task to open the eyes of this
foolish doting man to the treachery, the perfidy, which nestles upon
his very hearthrug!
LUKYN.
Oh, lor'! Be careful, Posket! By George, be careful!
MR. POSKET.
Alexander Lukyn, you are my friend. Amongst the personal property
taken from you when you entered these precincts may have been found a
memorandum of an engagement to dine at my house to-night at a quarter
to eight o'clock. But, Lukyn, I solemnly prepare you, you stand in
danger of being late for dinner! I go further--I am not sure, after
this morning's proceedings, that Mrs. Posket will be ready to receive
you.
LUKYN.
I'm confoundedly certain she _won't!_
MR. POSKET.
Therefore, Lukyn, as an English husband and father it will be my duty
to teach you and your disreputable companions [_referring to
charge-sheet_], Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara, some
rudimentary notions of propriety and decorum.
LUKYN.
Confound you, Posket--listen!
MR. POSKET.
I am listening, sir, to the guiding voice of Mrs. Posket--that
newly-made wife still blushing from the embarrassment of her second
marriage, and that voice says, "Strike for the sanctity of hearth and
home, for the credit of the wives of England--no mercy!"
MR. WORMINGTON.
It is time to go into Court, sir. The charge against Colonel Lukyn is
first on the list.
LUKYN.
Posket, I'll give you one last chance! If I write upon a scrap of
paper the real names of these two unfortunate ladies, will you shut
yourself up for a moment, away from observation, and read these names
before you go into Court?
MR. POSKET.
Certainly not, Colonel Lukyn! I cannot be influenced by private
information in dealing with an offence which is, in my opinion, as
black as--as my cravat! Ahem!
[_MR. WORMINGTON and MR. POSKET look at each other's necktie and turn
up their collars hastily._
LUKYN.
[_To himself._] There's no help for it. [_To MR. POSKET._] Then
Posket, you must have the plain truth where you stand, by George! The
two ladies who are my companions in this affair are----
MR. POSKET.
Sergeant! Colonel Lukyn will now join his party.
[_LUGG steps up to LUKYN sharply._
LUKYN.
[_Boiling with indignation._] What, sir? What?
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn, I think we both have engagements--will you excuse me?
LUKYN.
Posket! You've gone too far! If you went down on your knees, which you
appear to have been recently doing, and begged the names of these two
ladies, you shouldn't have 'em! No sir, by George, you shouldn't.
MR. POSKET.
Good morning, Colonel Lukyn.
LUKYN.
You've lectured me, pooh-poohed me, snubbed me--a soldier, sir--a
soldier! But when I think of your dinner-party to-night, with my empty
chair, like Banquo, by George, sir--and the chief dish composed of a
well-browned, well-basted, family skeleton, served up under the best
silver cover, I pity you, Posket! Good morning!
[_He marches out with LUGG._
MR. POSKET.
Ah! Thank goodness that ordeal is passed. Now, Wormington, I think I
am ready to face the duties of the day! Shall we go into Court?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Certainly, sir.
[_MR. WORMINGTON gathers up papers from the table. MR. POSKET with a
shaking hand pours out water from carafe and drinks._
MR. POSKET.
My breakfast. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._] I hope I defended the sanctity of
the Englishman's hearth, Wormington?
MR. WORMINGTON.
You did, indeed. As a married man, I thank you.
MR. POSKET.
Give me your arm, Wormington! I am not very well this morning, and
this interview with Colonel Lukyn has shaken me. I think your
coat-collar is turned up, Wormington.
MR. WORMINGTON.
So is yours, I fancy, sir.
MR. POSKET.
Ahem!
[_They turn their collars down; MR. POSKET takes MR. WORMINGTON'S arm.
They are going towards the curtains when WYKE enters hurriedly at the
door._
WYKE.
Excuse me, sir.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Hush! hush! Mr. Posket is just going into Court.
WYKE.
Lady Jenkins has sent me back to tell you that she hasn't seen the
missis for the last week or more.
MR. POSKET.
Mrs. Posket went to Campden Hill with Miss Verrinder last night!
WYKE.
They haven't arrived there, sir.
MR. POSKET.
Haven't arrived!
WYKE.
No sir--and even a slow four-wheeler won't account for that.
MR. POSKET.
Wormington! there's something wrong! Mrs. Posket quitted a fairly
happy home last night and has not been seen or heard of since!
MR. WORMINGTON.
Pray don't be anxious, sir, the Court is waiting.
MR. POSKET.
But I am anxious! Tell Sergeant Lugg to look over the Accident-Book,
this morning's Hospital Returns, List of Missing Children, Suspicious
Pledges People left Chargeable to the Parish, Attend to your Window
Fastenings----! I--I--Wormington, Mrs. Posket and I disagreed last
night.
MR. WORMINGTON.
Don't think of it, sir! you should hear me and Mrs. Wormington! Pray
do come into Court.
MR. POSKET.
Court! I'm totally unfit for business! totally unfit for business!
[_MR. WORMINGTON hurries him off through the curtains. LUGG enters,
almost breathless._
LUGG.
We've got charge one in the Dock--all four of 'em. [_Seeing WYKE._]
Hallo! you back again!
WYKE.
Yes--seems so. [_They stand facing each other, dabbing their foreheads
with their handkerchiefs._] Phew! you seem warm.
LUGG.
Phew! you don't seem so cool.
WYKE.
I've been lookin' after two ladies.
LUGG.
So have I.
WYKE.
I haven't found 'em.
LUGG.
If I'd known, I'd a been pleased to lend you our two.
[_From the other side of the curtains there is the sound of a shriek
from AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE._
WYKE.
Lor'! what's that!
LUGG.
That _is_ our two. Don't notice them--they're hystericals. They're
mild now to what they have been. I say, old fellow--is your guv'nor
all right in his head?
WYKE.
I suppose so--why?
LUGG.
I've a partickler reason for asking. Does he ever tell you to buy him
anything and keep the change?
WYKE.
What d'yer mean?
LUGG.
Well, does he ever come down handsome for your extry exertion--do you
ever get any tips?
WYKE.
Rather. What do you think he made me a present of last night?
LUGG.
Don't know.
WYKE.
Twopence--to buy a new umbrella.
LUGG.
Well, I'm blessed! And he gave me the same sum to get him a silk
necktie. It's my opinion he's got a softening of the brain. [_Another
shriek from the two women, a cry from MR. POSKET, and then a hubbub
are heard. Running up to the curtains and looking through._] Hallo!
what's wrong? Here! I told you so--he's broken out, he's broken out.
WYKE.
Who's broken out?
LUGG.
The lunatic. Keep back, I'm wanted.
[_He goes through the curtains._
WYKE.
[_Looking after him._] Look at the guv'nor waving his arms and going
on anyhow at the prisoners! Prisoners! Gracious goodness--it's the
missis!
[_Amid a confused sound of voices MR. POSKET is brought in, through
the curtains, by MR. WORMINGTON. LUGG follows._
MR. POSKET.
Wormington! Wormington! the two ladies! the two ladies! I know them!
MR. WORMINGTON.
It's all right, sir, it's all right--don't be upset, sir!
MR. POSKET.
I'm not well; what shall I do?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Nothing further, sir. What you have done is quite in form.
MR. POSKET.
What I _have_ done?
MR. WORMINGTON.
Yes, sir--you did precisely what I suggested--took the words from me.
They pleaded guilty.
MR. POSKET.
Guilty!
MR. WORMINGTON.
Yes, sir--and you sentenced them.
MR. POSKET.
Sentenced them! The ladies!
MR. WORMINGTON.
Yes, sir. You've given them seven days, without the option of a fine.
[_MR. POSKET collapses into MR. WORMINGTON'S arms._
THE SECOND SCENE.
_The scene changes to MR. POSKET'S drawing-room, as in the first act._
_BEATIE enters timidly, dressed in simple walking-costume._
BEATIE.
How dreadfully early. Eleven o'clock, and I'm not supposed to come
till four. I wonder why I want to instruct Cis all day. I'm not nearly
so enthusiastic about the two little girls I teach in Russell Square.
_POPHAM enters. Her eyes are red as if from crying._
POPHAM.
[_Drawing back on seeing BEATIE._] That music person again. I beg your
pardon--I ain't got no instructions to prepare no drawing-room for no
lessons till four o'clock.
BEATIE.
I wish to see Mrs. Posket.
POPHAM.
She hasn't come home.
BEATIE.
Oh then--er--um--Master Farringdon will do.
POPHAM.
[_In tears._] He haven't come home either!
BEATIE.
Oh, where is he?
POPHAM.
No one knows! His wicked old stepfather took him out late last night
and hasn't returned him. Such a night as it was, too, and him still
wearing his summer under-vests.
BEATIE.
Mr. Posket?
POPHAM.
Mr. Posket--no, my Cis!
BEATIE.
How dare you speak of Master Farringdon in that familiar way?
POPHAM.
How dare I? Because me and him formed an attachment before ever you
darkened our doors. [_Taking a folded printed paper from her pocket._]
You may put down the iron 'eel too heavy, Miss Tomlinson. I refer you
to _Bow Bells_--"First Love is Best Love; or, The Earl's Choice."
[_As POPHAM offers the paper, CIS enters, looking very pale, worn-out,
and dishevelled._
POPHAM AND BEATIE.
Oh!
CIS.
[_Staggering to a chair._] Where's the mater?
POPHAM.
Not home yet.
CIS.
Thank giminy!
BEATIE.
He's ill!
POPHAM.
Oh!
[_BEATIE, assisted by POPHAM, quickly wheels the large armchair
forward, they catch hold of CIS and place him in it, he submits
limply._
BEATIE.
[_Taking CIS'S hand._] What is the matter, Cis dear? Tell Beatie.
POPHAM.
[_Taking his other hand._] Well, I'm sure! Who's given you raisins and
ketchup from the store cupboard? Come back to Emma!
[_CIS, with his eyes closed, gives a murmur._
BEATIE.
He's whispering!
[_They both bob their heads down to listen._
POPHAM.
He says his head's a-whirling.
BEATIE.
Put him on the sofa.
[_They take off his boots, loosen his necktie, and dab his forehead
with water out of a flower-vase._
CIS.
I--I--I wish you two girls would leave off.
BEATIE.
He's speaking again. He hasn't had any breakfast! He's hungry!
POPHAM.
Hungry! I thought he looked thin! Wait a minute, dear! Emma Popham
knows what her boy fancies!
[_She runs out of the room._
CIS.
Oh, Beatie, hold my head while I ask you something.
BEATIE.
Yes, darling!
CIS.
No lady would marry a gentleman who had been a convict, would she?
BEATIE.
No; certainly not!
CIS.
I thought not! Well, Beatie, I've been run after by a policeman.
BEATIE.
[_Leaving him._] Oh!
CIS.
Not caught, you know, only run after; and, walking home from Hendon
this morning, I came to the conclusion that I ought to settle down in
life. Beatie--could I write out a paper promising to marry you when
I'm one-and-twenty?
BEATIE.
Don't be a silly boy--of course you could.
CIS.
Then I shall; and when I feel inclined to have a spree, I shall think
of that paper and say, "Cis Farringdon, if you ever get locked up,
you'll lose the most beautiful girl in the world."
BEATIE.
And so you will.
[_He goes to the writing-table._
CIS.
I'd better write it now, before my head gets well again.
[_He writes; she bends over him._
BEATIE.
You simple, foolish, Cis! If your head is so queer, shall I tell you
what to say?
_POPHAM enters, carrying a tray with breakfast dishes._
POPHAM.
[_To herself._] He won't think so much of _her_ now. His breakfast is
my triumph. [_To CIS._] Coffee, bacon, and a teacake.
BEATIE.
Hush! Master Farringdon is writing something very important.
POPHAM.
[_Going to the window._] That's a cab at our door.
CIS.
It must be the mater--I'm off!
[_He picks up his boots and goes out quickly._
BEATIE.
[_Following him with the paper and inkstand._] Cis! Cis! You haven't
finished the promise! You haven't finished the promise!
LUGG.
[_Heard outside._] All right, sir--I've got you--I've got you.
[_POPHAM opens the door._
POPHAM.
The master and a policeman! [_LUGG enters supporting MR. POSKET who
sinks into an armchair with a groan._] Oh, what's the matter?
LUGG.
All right, my good girl, you run downstairs and fetch a drop of brandy
and water.
MR. POSKET.
[_Hurrying out._] Oh!
LUGG.
Now don't take on so, sir. It's what might happen to any married
gentleman. Now, you're all right now, sir. And I'll hurry back to the
Court to see whether they've sent for Mr. Bullamy.
MR. POSKET.
My wife! My wife!
LUGG.
Oh, come now, sir, what _is_ seven days! Why many a married gentleman
in your position, sir, would have been glad to have made it fourteen.
MR. POSKET.
Go away--leave me.
LUGG.
Certainly, sir. [_POPHAM re-enters with a small tumbler of brandy and
water; he takes it from her and drinks it._] It's not wanted. I'm
thankful to say he's better.
POPHAM.
[_To LUGG._] If you please, cook presents her compliments, and she
would be glad of the pleasure of your company downstairs, before
leavin'.
[_They go out._
MR. POSKET.
Agatha and Lukyn! Agatha and Lukyn supping together at the Hotel des
Princes, while I was at home and asleep--while I ought to have been at
home and asleep! It's awful!
CIS.
[_Looking in at the door and entering._] Hallo, Guv!
MR. POSKET.
[_Starting up._] Cis!
CIS.
Where did you fetch, Guv?
MR. POSKET.
Where did I fetch! You wretched boy! I fetched Kilburn, and I'll fetch
you a sound whipping when I recover my composure.
CIS.
What for?
MR. POSKET.
For leading me astray, sir. Yours is the first bad companionship I
have ever formed! Evil communication with you, sir, has corrupted me!
[_Taking CIS by the collar and shaking him._] Why did you abandon me
at Kilburn?
CIS.
Because you were quite done, and I branched off to draw the crowd away
from you after me.
MR. POSKET.
Did you, Cis, did you? [_Putting his hand on CIS'S shoulder._] My
boy--my boy! Oh, Cis, we're in such trouble!
CIS.
You weren't caught, Guv?
MR. POSKET.
No--but do you know who the ladies are who were supping at the Hotel
des Princes?
CIS.
No--do you?
MR. POSKET.
Do I? They were your mother and Aunt Charlotte.
CIS.
The mater and Aunt Charlotte! Ha, ha, ha! [_Laughing and dancing with
delight._] Ha! ha! Oh, I say, Guv, what a lark!
MR. POSKET.
A lark! They were taken to the police station!
CIS.
[_Changing his tone._] My mother?
MR. POSKET.
They were brought before the magistrate and sentenced.
CIS.
Sentenced?
MR. POSKET.
To seven days' imprisonment.
CIS.
Oh!
[_He puts his hat on fiercely._
MR. POSKET.
What are you going to do?
CIS.
Get my mother out first, and then break every bone in that
magistrate's body.
MR. POSKET.
Cis! Cis! he's an unhappy wretch and he did his duty.
CIS.
His duty! To send another magistrate's wife to prison! Guv, I'm only a
boy, but I know what professional etiquette is! Come along! Which is
the police station?
MR. POSKET.
Mulberry Street.
CIS.
Who's the magistrate?
MR. POSKET.
I am!
CIS.
You! [_Seizing MR. POSKET by the collar and shaking him._] You dare to
lock up my mother! Come with me and get her out!
[_He is dragging MR. POSKET towards the door, when MR. BULLAMY enters
breathlessly._
MR. BULLAMY.
My dear Posket!
CIS.
[_Seizing MR. BULLAMY and dragging him with MR. POSKET to the door._]
Come with me and get my mother out.
MR. BULLAMY.
Leave me alone, sir! She _is_ out! I managed it.
MR. POSKET AND CIS.
[_Together._] How?
MR. BULLAMY.
Wormington sent to me when you were taken ill. When I arrived at the
Court, he had discovered, from your man-servant, Mrs. Posket's awful
position.
CIS.
You leave my mother alone! Go on!
MR. BULLAMY.
Said I to myself, "This won't do, I must extricate these people
somehow!" [_To MR. POSKET._] I'm not so damned conscientious as you
are, Posket.
CIS.
Bravo! Go on!
MR. BULLAMY.
[_Producing his jujube box._] The first thing I did was to take a
jujube.
CIS.
[_Snatching the jujube box from him._] Will you make haste?
MR. BULLAMY.
Then said I to Wormington, "Posket was _non compos mentis_ when he
heard this case--I'm going to re-open the matter!"
CIS.
Hurrah!
MR. BULLAMY.
And I did! And what do you think I found out from the proprietor of
the hotel!
MR. POSKET AND CIS.
What?
MR. BULLAMY.
That this young scamp, Mr. Cecil Farringdon, hires a room at the
"Hotel des Princes."
CIS.
I know that.
MR. BULLAMY.
And that Mr. Farringdon was there last night with some low stockbroker
of the name of Skinner.
CIS.
Go on--go on! [_Offering him the jujube box._] Take a jujube!
MR. BULLAMY.
[_Taking a jujube._] Now the law, which seems to me quite perfect,
allows a man who rents a little apartment at an inn to eat and drink
with his friends all night long.
CIS.
Well?
MR. BULLAMY.
So said I from the bench, "These ladies and gentlemen appear to be
friends or relatives of a certain lodger in the 'Hotel des Princes.' "
CIS.
So they are!
MR. BULLAMY.
"They were all discovered in one room."
MR. POSKET.
So we were--I mean, so they were!
MR. BULLAMY.
"And I shall adjourn the case for a week to give Mr. Farringdon an
opportunity of claiming these people as his guests."
CIS.
Three cheers for Bullamy.
MR. BULLAMY.
So I censured the police for their interference and released the
ladies on their own recognisances.
MR. POSKET.
[_Taking MR. BULLAMY'S hand._] And the men?
MR. BULLAMY.
Well, unfortunately, Wormington took upon himself to despatch the men
to the House of Correction before I arrived.
MR. POSKET.
I'm glad of it! They are dissolute villains! I'm glad of it.
_POPHAM enters._
POPHAM.
Oh, sir! Here's the missis and Miss Verrinder! In such a plight!
CIS.
The mater! Guv, you explain!
[_He hurries out. MR. POSKET rapidly retires into the window recess.
AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE enter, pale, red-eyed, and agitated.
POPHAM goes out._
AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.
[_Falling on to MR. BULLAMY'S shoulders._] O--o--h--h!
MR. BULLAMY.
My dear ladies!
AGATHA POSKET.
Preserver!
CHARLOTTE.
Friend!
AGATHA POSKET.
How is my boy?
MR. BULLAMY.
Never better.
AGATHA POSKET.
And the man who condemned his wife and sister-in-law to the miseries
of a jail!
MR. BULLAMY.
Ahem! Posket--oh--he----
AGATHA POSKET.
Is he well enough to be told what that wife thinks of him?
MR. BULLAMY.
It might cause a relapse!
AGATHA POSKET.
It is my duty to risk that.
CHARLOTTE.
[_Raising the covers of the dishes on the table._] Food!
AGATHA POSKET.
Ah!
[_AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE begin to devour a teacake voraciously._
MR. POSKET.
[_Advancing with an attempt at dignity._] Agatha Posket.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_Rising, with her mouth full, and a piece of teacake in her hand._]
Sir!
[_CHARLOTTE takes the tray and everything on it from the table and
goes towards the door._
MR. BULLAMY.
[_Going to the door._] There's going to be an explanation.
CHARLOTTE.
[_At the door._] There's going to be an explanation.
[_CHARLOTTE and MR. BULLAMY go out quietly._
MR. POSKET.
How dare you look me in the face, madam?
AGATHA POSKET.
How dare you look at anybody in any position, sir? You send your wife
to prison for pushing a mere policeman.
MR. POSKET.
I didn't know what I was doing.
AGATHA POSKET.
Not when you requested two ladies to raise their veils and show their
faces in the dock? We shouldn't have been discovered but for that.
MR. POSKET.
It was my duty.
AGATHA POSKET.
Duty! You don't go to the police court again alone! I guess now, Æneas
Posket, why you clung to a single life so long. _You liked it!_
MR. POSKET.
I wish I had.
AGATHA POSKET.
Why didn't you marry till you were fifty?
MR. POSKET.
Perhaps I hadn't met a widow, madam.
AGATHA POSKET.
Paltry excuse. You revelled in a dissolute bachelorhood!
MR. POSKET.
Hah! Whist every evening!
AGATHA POSKET.
You can't play whist _alone._ You're an expert at hiding too!
MR. POSKET.
If I were I should thrash your boy!
AGATHA POSKET.
When you wished to conceal yourself last night, you selected a table
with a lady under it.
MR. POSKET.
Ah, did you pinch me, or did Charlotte?
AGATHA POSKET.
I did--Charlotte's a single girl.
MR. POSKET.
I fancy, madam, you found my conduct under that table perfectly
respectful?
AGATHA POSKET.
I don't know--I was too agitated to notice.
MR. POSKET.
Evasion--you're like all the women.
AGATHA POSKET.
Profligate! You oughtn't to know that!
MR. POSKET.
No wife of mine sups, unknown to me, with dissolute military men; we
will have a judicial separation, Mrs. Posket.
AGATHA POSKET.
Certainly--I suppose you'll manage that at your police court, too?
MR. POSKET.
I shall send for my solicitor at once.
AGATHA POSKET.
Æneas! Mr. Posket! Whatever happens, you shall not have the custody of
my boy.
MR. POSKET.
Your boy! _I_ take charge of _him?_ Agatha Posket, he has been my evil
genius! He has made me a gambler at an atrocious game, called
"Fireworks"--he has tortured my mind with abstruse speculations
concerning "Sillikin" and "Butterscotch" for the St. Leger--he has
caused me to cower before servants, and to fly before the police.
AGATHA POSKET.
He! My Cis?
_CIS enters having changed his clothes._
CIS.
[_Breezily._] Hallo, mater--got back?
AGATHA POSKET.
You wicked boy! You dare to have apartments at the "Hotel des
Princes!"
MR. POSKET.
Yes--and it was to put a stop to that which induced me to go to Meek
Street last night.
CIS.
Don't be angry, mater! I've got you out of your difficulties.
MR. POSKET.
But you got me into mine!
CIS.
Well, I know I did--one can't be always doing the right thing! It
isn't Guv's fault--there!
MR. POSKET.
Swear it!
AGATHA POSKET.
No, he doesn't know the nature of an oath! I believe him! Æneas, I see
now, this is all the result of a lack of candour on my part. Tell me,
have you ever particularly observed this child?
MR. POSKET.
Oh!
AGATHA POSKET.
Has it ever struck you he is a little forward?
MR. POSKET.
Sometimes.
AGATHA POSKET.
You are wrong; he is awfully backward. [_Taking MR. POSKET'S hand._]
Æneas; men always think they are marrying angels, and women would be
angels if they never had to grow old. That warps their dispositions. I
have deceived you, Æneas.
MR. POSKET.
Ah! Lukyn!
AGATHA POSKET.
No--no--you don't understand! Lukyn was my boy's godfather in eighteen
sixty-six.
MR. POSKET.
1866?
CIS.
1886?
CIS AND MR. POSKET.
[_Together, reckoning rapidly upon their fingers._] 1886.
AGATHA POSKET.
S-s-s-h! Don't count! Cis, go away! [_To MR. POSKET._] When you
proposed to me in the "Pantheon" at Spa, you particularly remarked,
"Mrs. Farringdon, I love you for yourself _alone."_
MR. POSKET.
I know I did.
AGATHA POSKET.
Those were terrible words to address to a widow with a son of
nineteen. [_CIS and MR. POSKET again reckon rapidly upon their
fingers._] Don't count, Æneas, don't count! Those words tempted me. I
glanced at my face in a neighbouring mirror, and I said "Æneas is
fifty--why should I--a mere woman, compete with him on the question of
age? He has already the advantage--I will be generous--I will add to
it!" I led you to believe I had been married only fifteen years ago, I
deceived you and my boy as to his real age, and I told you I was but
one-and-thirty.
MR. POSKET.
It wasn't the truth?
AGATHA POSKET.
Ah! I merely lacked woman's commonest fault, exaggeration.
MR. POSKET.
But--Lukyn?
AGATHA POSKET.
Knows the real facts. I went to him last night to beg him not to
disturb an arrangement which had brought happiness to all parties.
Look. In place of a wayward, troublesome child, I now present you with
a youth old enough to be a joy, comfort, and support!
CIS.
Oh, I say, mater, this is a frightful sell for a fellow.
AGATHA POSKET.
Go to your room, sir.
CIS.
I always thought there was something wrong with me. Blessed if I'm not
behind the age!
[_CIS goes out._
AGATHA POSKET.
Forgive me, Æneas. Look at my bonnet! A night in Mulberry Street,
without even a powder-puff, is an awful expiation.
MR. POSKET.
Agatha! How do I know Cis won't be five-and twenty to-morrow?
AGATHA POSKET.
No--no--you know the worst, and as long as I live, I'll never deceive
you again--except in little things.
_LUKYN and VALE enter._
LUKYN.
[_Boiling with rage._] By George, Posket!
MR. POSKET.
My dear Lukyn!
LUKYN.
Do you know I am a confounded jail-bird, sir?
MR. POSKET.
An accident!
LUKYN.
And do you know what has happened to me in jail--a soldier, sir--an
officer?
MR. POSKET.
No!
LUKYN.
I have been washed by the authorities.
MR. POSKET.
Lukyn, no!
_CHARLOTTE has entered, and she rushes across to VALE._
CHARLOTTE.
Horace! Horace! Not you, too?
VALE.
By Jove, Charlotte, I would have died first.
_MR. BULLAMY enters quickly._
MR. BULLAMY.
Mr. Posket, I shall choke, sir! Inspector Messiter is downstairs and
says that Isidore, the waiter, swears that you are the man who escaped
from Meek Street last night.
LUKYN.
What?
MR. BULLAMY.
This is a public scandal, sir!
LUKYN.
Your game is up, sir!
MR. BULLAMY.
You have brought a stain upon a spotless police court!
LUKYN.
And lectured me upon propriety and decorum.
MR. POSKET.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, when you have heard my story you will pity me.
LUKYN AND MR. BULLAMY.
[_Laughing ironically._] Ha! ha!
MR. POSKET.
You will find your old friend a Man, a Martyr, and a Magistrate!
_CIS enters, pulling BEATIE after him._
CIS.
Come on, Beatie! Guv--mater! here's news! Beatie and I have made up
our minds to be married.
AGATHA POSKET.
Oh!
_POPHAM enters with champagne and glasses._
MR. POSKET.
What's this?
CIS.
Bellinger--'74--extra dry--to drink our health and happiness.
CHARLOTTE.
Champagne! It may save my life!
AGATHA POSKET.
Miss Tomlinson, go home!
MR. POSKET.
Stop! Cis Farringdon, my dear boy, you are but nineteen at present,
but you were only fourteen yesterday, so you are a growing lad; on the
day you marry and start for Canada, I will give you a thousand pounds!
POPHAM.
[_Putting her apron to her eyes._] Oh!
CIS.
[_Embracing BEATIE._] Hurrah! We'll be married directly.
AGATHA POSKET.
He's an infant! I forbid it!
MR. POSKET.
I am his legal guardian. Gentlemen, bear witness! I solemnly consent
to that little wretch's marriage!
[_AGATHA POSKET sinks into a chair._
THE END.
Printed by Ballantyne & Company Ltd
Tavistock Street Covent Garden London
Transcriber's Note
This transcription is based on scanned images of two different copies
posted by the Internet Archive. The primary source is posted at:
archive.org/details/magistratefarcei00pinerich
These images, scanned from a copy in the University of California,
Berkeley Library, are of an edition printed in London by William
Heinemann in 1914. Note that the Internet Archive identifier-access
page for this copy incorrectly lists the publisher as W. H. Baker. The
secondary source is posted at:
archive.org/details/cu31924013536556
These images, scanned from a copy in the Cornell University Library,
are of an edition printed in New York by the United States Book
Company.
The Heinemann (H) edition served as the copy-text for this
transcription. The United States Book Company (US) edition changed
spelling to American standards. For example, "colour" became "color",
"recognise" became "recognize", "some one" became "someone", and
"lor'" became "Lor'". The US edition also has minor deviations from
playscript formatting conventions fairly standard at the time. While
the H edition used the standard convention of printing entrances as
centered and italicized without brackets, the US edition printed them
with brackets. In addition, while the H edition generally did not
close the brackets on stage directions right after a line of dialogue,
the US edition did. Unfortunately, the H edition suffers from some
minor editorial problems and printing errors such as missing
punctuation marks, particularly next to margins and at the bottom of a
page. In contrast, the US edition has few editorial or printing
problems. When there was a question about the text in the H edition,
the US text was consulted. In general, where context made a reading
obvious, the obvious reading was given the benefit of the doubt
without comment.
The following changes were noted:
- p. v: ..."The Schoolmistress," 'Dandy Dick," and "The Cabinet
Minister."--Changed the single quotation mark before "Dandy" to a
double quotation mark.
- p. vii: Added periods after "Mrs. JOHN WOOD" and "Miss MARION TERRY"
for consistency.
- p. 8: ...but I feel like a grown up man!--Inserted hyphen between
"grown" and "up". (US)
- p. 14: May I promise that, m'am?--Changed "m'am" to "ma'am" to be
consistent with elsewhere in H and also US ed.
- p. 15: MR. BULLAMY--Added a period to end of character title.
- p. 26: He's a great favourite with all our friends--women friends
especially--Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 37: MR. POSKET--Added a period to end of character title.
- p. 37: [_Gives MR. POSKET the letter._]--Moved to next line (US) and
deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage directions
in H.
- p. 59: [_Produces a folded silk handerchief..._--Changed
"_handerchief_" to "_handkerchief_".
- p. 63: There's a little balcony to that window, step out...--Changed
comma to a semicolon. (US)
- p. 88: A few hours ago it was--"By Jove, all is over.'--Changed
closing single quotation mark to closing double quotation mark.
- p. 90: I know--I know. I'm going directly I can get the boy
away--Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 93: [_To VALE_] Horace, can't you speak?--Added period after
"VALE" for consistency.
- p. 98: To be ready for the morning--Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 99: What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond--Added question
mark to end of sentence.
- p. 100: You're breathing--Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 103: Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you--Added a period after
"Thank you".
- p. 103: Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale
Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers--Stark's Hotel, Conduit Street.--Added a
period after "Vale". (US)
- p. 110: ...a method of delivering evidence articulately--Added a
period to end of sentence.
- p. 113: "Cos I'm agoin' to join in the chase after you."--Inserted
an apostrophe before "Cos". (US)
- p. 114: Bring him in. [_LUGG goes out._ Wyke! From Agatha!--Added a
closing bracket after "out."
- p. 115: Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court
rises--Added a period to end of sentence.
- p. 119: Two contrived to escape--Added a period to end of sentence.
- p. 125: I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel
Lukyn--Added a period to end of sentence.
- P. 126: He's in it sir.--Added a comma after "it". (US and
consistent elsewhere in H)
- p. 126: [_LUKYN sits again._] [_POSKET takes up the charge
sheet._]--Deleted closing and opening brackets after "again." (US)
- p. 134: _They turn their collars down, MR. POSKET takes MR.
WORMINGTON'S arm._--Changed comma to a semicolon. (US)
- p. 136: I haven t found 'em.--Added an apostrophe between "haven"
and "t".
- p. 137: It's my opinion he's got a softening of the brain--Added
period to end of sentence.
- p. 137: [_He goes through the curtains._]--Moved to next line (US)
and deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage
directions in H.
- p. 144: [_Following him with the paper and inkstand_]--Added period
after inkstand for consistency. (US)
- p. 150: I'm going to re-open the matter!--Added closing double
quotation mark at end of sentence. (US)
- p. 153: ...who condemned his wife and sister in-law to the miseries
of a jail!--Inserted a hyphen between "sister" and "in-law".
- p. 159: S-s-s h! Don't count!--Added hyphen between "S-s-s" and "h!"
(US)
- p. 161: _CHARLOTTE has entered, and she rushes across to
VALE_--Added a period to the end of the sentence.
Some inconsistences that existed in both H and US were allowed to
stand. For example, characters are occasionally referred to slightly
differently in the stage directions, e.g., "POSKET" vs. "MR. POSKET".
The name of the hotel in Act Two is spelled with an "ô" in the cast
and scene lists at the beginning of the play but is spelled with an
"o" elsewhere in the text. Lugg's rank is spelled "Serjeant" in the
cast list and "Sergeant" elsewhere. Both "missis" and "missus" are
used. The number for Lukyn's address is both "19a" and "19A". Variant
spellings in H such as "neckkerchief" and "table-cloth" were not
changed.
The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the
printed text. However, some concessions have been made, partly to
simplify coding and partly to facilitate the generation of files from
the html file. For example, stage directions at the end of a line of
dialogue were placed on the next line, indented the same amount from
the left margin, and coded as hanging paragraphs. The layout of the
title page was simplified. The simultaneous speech on page 81 was
coded so as to avoid the use of an html table. The footnote on p. 110
was enclosed in a border.