Once there was a Husky employed to crack the Whip around a smoky Works
that did not offer an attractive Vista from the Car Window, although
it blossomed with a fragrant crop of Dividends every time the Directors
got together in the Back Room.
Most of the American Workingmen employed in this Hive of Industry came
from remote parts of Europe. Each wore his Head entirely in front of
his Ears and had taken an Oath to support the Constitution.
It was the duty of the Husky to keep these imported Rabbits on the Jump
and increase the Output.
He made himself so strong that he was declared In every time a Melon
was sliced, and when it came time to Scramble the Eggs and pull of the
grand Whack-Up, he was standing at the head of the Line with a Basket
on his Arm.
So it came about that one who started in a Thatched Cottage and grew
up on cold Spuds and never saw a Manicure Set until he was 38 years of
age, went home one day to find Gold Fish swimming about in every Room
and Servants blocking the Hallways.
He had some trouble finding Rings that would go over his Knuckles and
the Silk Kind felt itchy for quite a while, but finally he adjusted
himself to his new Prosperity and began to deplore the apparent Growth
of Socialism.
This rugged and forceful Character, to whom the Muck-Rakers referred as
a Baron, had a Daughter who started out as Katie when she carried the
Hot Coffee over to Dad every Noon.
When she got her first Chip Diamond and Father switched from the Dudeen
to Cigars, she was known in High School Circles as Katherine.
And when Pop got in on the main Divvy and began to take an interest in
Paintings, the name went down on the Register at the Waldorf as
Kathryn, in those peaked Sierra Nevada Letters about four inches high.
Katie used to go to St. Joseph's Hall once in a while with Martin, the
Lad who helped around the Grocery.
Katherine regarded with much Favor a Pallid Drug Clerk who acted as a
Clearing House for all Local Scandal.
But say, when Kathyrn came back from a vine-clad Institute overlooking
the historic Hudson and devoted to the embossing and polishing of the
Female Progeny of those who have got away with it, she began working
the Snuffer on all the Would-Bes back in the Mill Town. When she got
through extinguishing, the little Group that remained looked like the
Remnant of the Old Guard at Waterloo.
Father had to stick around because occasionally the eight thousand Good
Tempered Boys on the Pay Roll would begin to burn with Wood Alcohol and
the Wrongs of Labor and pull off a few Murders, merely to hasten the
Triumph of Justice.
By the way, Kathryn had a Mother who used to hide in a room upstairs
and timidly inspect her new Silk Dresses.
Kathryn applied the Acid Test to her People and decided that they never
could Belong.
She swung on the General Manager for a Letter of Credit big enough to
set Ireland free and went traipsing off to the Old World under the
chaperonage of a New York Lady who had seen Better Days.
Now it will be admitted that William J. Burns is Some Sleuth, but when
it comes to apprehending and running to Earth a prattling American
Ingenue with a few Millions stuffed in her Reticule, the Boy with the
mildewed Title who sits on the Boulevard all day and dallies with the
green and pink Bottled Goods has got it all over Burns like a Striped
Awning.
All the starving members of the Up-Against-It Association were waiting
at the Dock to cop the prospective Meal Ticket. Not one of them had
ever Shaved or Worked and each wore his Handkerchief inside his Cuff
and had Yellow Gloves stitched down the Back, and was fully entitled
to sit in an Electric Chair and have 80,000 Volts distributed through
the Steel Ribs of his Corset.
As soon as Kathryn began to meet the Roqueforts and Camemberts she
discovered that they had Lovely Eyes and certainly knew how to treat
a Lady.
Kathryn had been brought up on Philadelphia Literature, and even during
her most ambitious Social Flights she had encountered the Type of Man
who remains on the opposite side of the Room having trouble with his
White Gloves.
She never had been against those Willing Performers from Gascony who
wore Red Ribbons and Medals and who rushed over to kiss the Hand and
then look deep into her Eyes and throb like a Motor Boat.
This class of Work simply shot her Pulse up to 130 and made her think
that she was Cleopatra, floating in the Royal Barge and surrounded by
Crawling Slaves.
When a certain Markee crawled into her Lap and purred into her Ear and
threatened to curl up on the Rug and die if she Refused him, she simply
keeled over with Excitement.
After she recovered, she found herself actually Engaged to the
Representative of one of the Oldest Families in the Saucisson District
of the Burgoo Province and as manly a Chap as ever borrowed Money from
a Toe-Dancer.
She hurried home to keep it out of the Newspapers and to tell those who
would listen that American Men were Impossible. Then the Markee came
over with his Solicitor and a Bottle of Chloroform and a full kit of
Surgical Instruments, and the Wedding was fully reported by the
Associated Press.
The Captain of Industry sized up Son-in-Law, and knew that when the
Money was gone the Markee could always get a job hanging up Hats in the
Check-Room of a first-class Table d'Hote Restaurant.
From the window of her Chateau in the Burgoo Province the Lady Cashier
can see the American Tourists going by in their hired Motor Cars. Her
Cheek flushes with Delight when she happens to remember that in another
Three Months or so, Friend Husband will come home long enough to show
her where to sign her Name.
What is more, she has the Privilege of walking out at any time and
picking Flowers with the Understanding that she is not to let it be
known that she is related to any of her Relatives on either side of the
Atlantic.
MORAL: Europeans made the Money and they had a Right to pull it down.