Once there was a Hireling at the tail-end of a Pay Roll who longed to
get a Chunk of Money so that he could own a House and pick out his own
Wall-Paper.
He read an Ad in a Religious Weekly. It said to Hurry and get a Slice
of the Bullkon Mining Company because on July 1st the Price would be
whooped from $1 a Share to $2.75. The Guggenheims wanted it but the
Directors preferred to slip it to the American People.
The Property was right up against some other Property so rich that the
Workmen engaged in lifting out the Precious Metal had to wear Goggles
to keep from being blinded.
The Man fell for it. He rushed to the Savings Bank and drew his Wad
and sent it to a Man with several Chins, who had to sit at a Desk for
nearly an hour each Day taking Money out of Envelopes.
The Stockholder received a Certificate. It had at the Top an Engraving
of a Lady spilling Golden Nuggets out of a Cornucopia and below was a
Seal and the Signatures of all the Officers of the Company. Any one
standing off ten Feet from this Certificate couldn't have told it from
a 1915 Bond of the Pennsylvania Company.
Every Week the Stockholder found in his Mail a Report from the Expert
in charge of Shaft No. 13 in the Skiddykadoo Fields showing that the
Assay ran $42.16 and the Main Lateral had been opened as far as the
Mezzanine Drift, which meant that the $1 Shares would be selling around
$85 before the Holidays.
Whereupon he would pinch out some of the Money about to be frittered
away on Dress Goods and Cereals and send it to J. Etherington Cuticle,
Promoter, who was thus enabled to have a new Collar put on his Fur
Coat.
In course of Time the incipient Monte Cristo had a Bale of
Certificates. He could borrow a Pencil and figure out, in a few
Minutes, that when the Stock went to Par (as per Prospectus) he would
land a few feet behind Hetty Green and somewhat in advance of the
First National Bank.
While he was waiting for Dame Fortune, with the Sheet wrapped around
her, to begin rolling it out of the Cornucopia, as advertised on the
One-Sheets, he inadvertently up and died.
The Administrator and the Brother-in-Law went over the stuff at the
Safety Deposit. They checked all the Items from the outlawed Note
down to the Delinquent Tax Notice and then advised the Widow to pick
out a nice lucrative Position in a Hand Laundry.
Two Years passed by. The Family was now living in Comfort. Down in a
Bureau Drawer, with the Dance Programs and the High School Diplomas,
reposed the Stock Certificates of the Bullkon Gold and Silver Mining
and Development Company, Inc.
The Widow had been tempted to use them on the Shelves, but every time
she looked at the Litho of the Benevolent Female dumping the $20 Gold
Pieces out of the Cornucopia, and saw the Seal, and alongside of it the
majestic Signature of J. Etherington Cuticle, and noted that the total
Face Value was $80,000, she would replace the Elastic and decide to Wait.
One day a soft-spoken Gentleman met her as she returned from her Daily
Toil and said that a Syndicate was about to take over all the Holdings
of the Bullkon G. and S. M. and D. Co., Inc., and stood ready to
purchase her Stock.
With trembling Hands she undid the Bundle. It took a long time to make
the Count but when he got it all straightened out and figured up, he
looked her straight in the Eye and said: "It comes out to One Dollar
and Eighty-Two Cents."
MORAL: Fiction is stranger than Truth.