In a sequestered Dump lived two Urchins, Edgar and Rufus, who went to
the Post with about an equal Handicap.
They got away together down the broad Avenue of Hope which leads one
Lad over the hills and far away to the United States Senate Chamber and
guides another unerringly to the Federal Pen near Leavenworth, Kansas.
When Edgar was a Tootsey he received a frequent dusting with Extreme
Violet Talcum Powder.
About the same time Rufus was propped up to look at Pictures of
Napoleon and John L. Sullivan and Sitting Bull.
At School each was a trifle Dumb.
If Edgar fell down on an Exam, his Relatives would call a Mass Meeting
to express Regrets and hang Crape all over the Place.
If Rufus got balled up in his Answers, his immediate Kin would pat him
on the Back and tell him he was right and the Text-Book was wrong.
Edgar would emerge from the Feathers every morning to find his Parents
all lined up to wish him a new set of Police Regulations.
They held up the Rigid Forefinger and warned him that he was merely a
Grain of Dust and a Weakling and a poor juvenile Mutt whose Mission in
Life was to Lie Down and Behave.
Rufus would be aroused each Sunrise by a full Military Band of 60
Pieces playing "Hail to the Chief who in Triumph Advances."
Whenever Edgar was forced into a Battle and came home smeared and
disarranged, his Mother would go to her Room and Cry softly and Father
would paint a vivid Word-Picture of a Wretch standing on the Gallows
with a Black Cap over his Head.
Then Edgar would crawl to the Hay Mow and brood over his Moral
Infirmities and try in a groping way to figure out his Relation to
Things in General.
But, when Rufus appeared all dripping with Gore, his Seconds would cool
him out and rub him with Witch Hazel and pin Medals on him.
No wonder he became as pugnacious as U. S. Grant, as conceited as a
Successful Business Man and as self-assured as a Chautauqua Lecturer.
Every one disliked him intensely. But just the same, they stepped off
into the Mud and gave him the entire double width of the Cement
Sidewalk.
Edgar, on the other hand, was one of the most popular Door-Mats that
ever had "Welcome" marked up and down his Spinal Column.
All those who scratched Matches on him and used him as a Combination
Hall-Tree and Hitching Post used to remark that he didn't have an Enemy
in the World.
They had corralled his Goat, so he had to play the Part himself.
It had been dinged into him that True Politeness means to wait until
every one else has been Served and then murmur a few Thanks for the
Leavings.
Besides, his Parents had convinced him that if he went Fishing he
wouldn't get a Nibble, and if he climbed a Tree he would fall and break
his Leg, and if he tried to manipulate more than Two Dollars at one
time, he would go Blind.
Therefore, when both were in College, Rufus acted as plunging Half-
Back, with Blue Smoke coming from his Nostrils, and achieved the
undying Distinction of being singled out by Walter Camp.
Edgar sat up on the Bleachers with 2,000 other Mere Students and lent a
quavering Tenor to a Song about Alma Mater.
Even the Undergrads could not take the Tuck out of Rufus.
He was fresher than Green Paint and his Work was Raw, but he was so
Resilient that no one could pin him to the Mat and keep him there.
When a Boy has been told 877 times a Day for many Years that he is the
Principal Feature of the Landscape, it takes more than an ordinary
Doctoring to Cure him.
He left College thoroughly convinced that the World was his Oyster and
he had an Opener in every Pocket.
He began grabbing Public Service Utilities by Strong-Arm methods,
whereupon a lot of Uplifters became excited and wanted some one else
to head him off.
He put things Across because when he tucked the Ball under his Arm and
began to dig for the Goal of his Immediate Ambition all the Friends of
Public Weal were scared Blue and retired behind the Ropes.
Edgar took his Degree out into the Cold World and began to make
apologetic Inquiries regarding Humble Employment which would involve
no Responsibilities.
He became an Office Lawyer of the dull gray Variety with a special
Aptitude for drawing up Leases and examining Abstracts.
He could not face a Jury or fight a Case because the fond Parents had
put the Sign on him and robbed him of all his Gimp.
But a Nice Fellow?
You know it.
Any one who had a Book to sell, or a Petition to be signed, or a Note
that needed endorsing came dashing right into Edgar's Office and hailed
him as the Champion Patsy.
Not one of these ever ventured into the Lair of the Street Railway
Czar, for he knew that Rufus might jump over the Mahogany Table and
bite him in the Arm.
Even Edgar, when he made a Business Call on Boyhood Friend and loving
Classmate, was permitted to wait in the Outer Room, resting his Hat on
his knees, and mingling on terms of Equality with the modish Typist and
the scornful Secretary.
And when they went away to look at some Properties, Rufus took the
Stateroom while Edgar drew an Upper.
Every one at the Club referred to Edgar as a Good Old Scout, but when
all the Push gathered at the Round Table and some one let fall the Name
of the High-Binder, they would open up on Rufus and Pan him to a
Whisper.
Then Rufus would enter in his Fur Coat, upsetting Furniture and
Servants as he swept through the Lounging Room.
Immediately there would be an Epidemic of Goose Pimples and a Rush to
shake hands with him.
Rufus was sinfully Rich, but nevertheless Detestable, because his
Family had drilled into him the low-down Habit of getting the Jump
on the Other Fellow.
Edgar may live in a Rented House, but he will always have the inward
Satisfaction of knowing that he is a sweet and courteous Gentleman
with Pink Underwear, and a Masonic Charm on his Watch Chain.
When Edgar answers the Call, the Preacher will speak briefly from the
Text, "Blessed are the Meek."
If the Death Angel succeeds in pulling down Rufus, the same Minister
will find a suggestion for his Remarks in those inspiring Words, "I
have fought the Good Fight."
MORAL: The Scrapper is seldom beloved, but he gets a Run for his Ticket.